35 weeks pregnant, how to put baby up for adoption

[solosunflower]

As the title says really, how would I start this process?

Op I hope you are OK.
You might not have a huge support network but having a baby and building friendships with other new mums would be a good start.

It wouldn't be easy but neither is giving your baby away. There is a reason you didn't decide to abort the baby months ago.
Speak with your HV and see what support they can give you.

Contact social services. They arrange adoptions.

No advice but sending you much love. This can’t be an easy decision and I think it’s a courageous one.

I do think you’re idealising what a well off couple might be able to offer. I know a couple of people who have adopted children and I wouldn’t be happy with the dynamic for a child of mine tbh even if I was in a poor financial position. When I had my first daughter I was a single mother and I didn’t have a lot of money. Universal credit made a big difference. I got a bit of money from child maintenance. You may not be as badly off as you think. There’s also the new childcare funding which will hopefully happen which would allow you to carry on working.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn

I have years of experience working in children’s services. Admittedly I now work in a different field in the NHS but I don’t think that how social services approaches adoption has changed within the last 2 years , and that the key principle is that adoption begins with loss.

Which area of social services do you work in? And how does your experience differ to this position?

I am sorry you are in this predicament - have you considered an open adoption? Finding a couple that’s happy for you to stay in the baby’s life in some way?

there are a lot of assumptions here that should the op decide that this is what she wants to do, that the baby would go to a couple
Single people also adopt - male and female, straight and gay
same sex couples also adopt,
the op would have no say in this

One issue with open adoption, couples may nod and say yes we are happy with open adoption.
But the second those papers are signed and the child is theirs, they can cut contact and their is nothing Op can do.

Op I agree with the poster up thread you might be looking with Rose Tinted glasses. Anything can happen to a family, death, illness, divorce.
How would you feel if you found out in years to come your child was raised by a single mum because her DH walked out or something?

OP, so sorry to hear you feel you cannot keep your baby. It sounds as if your mind is made up, and that you feel you're making your decision based on logical, rational considerations with your baby's best interests at heart. That's very brave and you clearly care very deeply for your baby's future.

However, with that in mind, please PLEASE be very honest with yourself that giving your baby up for adoption will have a life-long impact on you and on the child. It is not the neat and logical solution you might be hoping it is.

I have a very good friend, now in their early 40s, who was adopted at birth for similar reasons (young mum, little support hoping to give her baby better prospects). They grew up in a happy and stable home, adoptive parents were wonderful. and very honest with them about being adopted.

However, they has struggled throughout life with self-esteem and self-acceptance. They now view having been adopted at birth as a trauma. A few years ago they met birth mother for the first time. Birth mother told them more about thesense of loss and emptiness she's felt down the years.

All I am saying is.... consider that this will have a lifelong emotional impact on you and th child, even if the outcome is the happiest it can be. As a single mother you can get practical and financial support to get through tough times while you improve your prospects. That is temporary. The impact of adoption is permanent.

Op I agree with the poster up thread you might be looking with Rose Tinted glasses. Anything can happen to a family, death, illness, divorce.
How would you feel if you found out in years to come your child was raised by a single mum because her DH walked out or something?

Exactly this. Giving your baby up is NO guarantee that it would have a better life than it would have had with you.

Consider all of this, OP, before you give up a baby you clearly do care about.

You completely need to do what is best for you and your baby. The only thing I wanted to add is have a quick look at HomeStart - I believe they can offer support to Mum’s who have no support network. Home visits, looking after the baby, tidying your home. As above you obviously need to do what is best for you but I wanted to share HomeStart just in case you hadn’t come across it and it was helpful. Id also explain your situation to the midwives - they should have asked about your support network at the outset. Xxx

OP, have you spoken to your midwife about adoption yet? I know someone who I tended to put her baby up for adoption and inthe end decided not to but social services were aware and were supportive. Do tell someone (eg midwife, social services) so that you can be supported now and once the baby arrives, whatever you decide

I agree Home Start is good, but not sure how much practical support there is with holding the baby or tidying tbh. I’m not sure there’s time for much of that

Op you must have friends who'd help you.
Do you have any extended family who'd step up and give you a bit of support?

You don't sound like a young teenager. I honestly think you could end up deeply regretting this decision.

I've just been approved to adopt via my local authority, so I potentially could be the adoptive mother (I'm single) of your child if you did chose adoption and I was chosen as a 'match'.

I'm researching and learning about all aspects of adoption as part of my preparation to adopt. I also know a few adopted children/adults who are friends/family who grew up in wonderful loving adoptive homes.

I obviously would love to give a home to a baby or a child as I was not able to have children myself. I have a secure and comfortable home and think I would be a loving and thoughtful parent who could support that child into their adulthood and beyond. I don't have an amazing support network, but obviously it was deemed good enough by the approving authority and I have the tenacity and resources to provide for them (but I'm not rich).

But honestly if I could advise you anything is that the baby/child who almost always be better off with their birth parents if they were capable of giving that child the basics and a safe home.
I obviously have 'skin in the game' but I promise you, if you can reach out and dig deep (as all parents have to) there is support for women like you. Your child doesn't have to experience the negative childhood you had because you recognise the impact that's had and you want better for them and that's half the battle.

The trauma of being adopted is huge and not to be dismissed. Even in lovely beautiful newborns who are relinquished at birth to lovely adoptive parents.
This trauma doesn't mean they can't have a lovely life, but it's a biological thing and it will be there.

The bar for removing children from terrible parenting/home lives is very very high in this country, because the research shows that removal from their parent/s will likely set that child up for incredible emotional difficulties.

The bar for being approved to adopt a child is also very very high (rightly so) because adopting a child is very likely to be challenging, much more than raising your own birth children, largely because of the trauma of losing their main caregiver/parent/s.

I'm not trying to guilt you, that's the last thing I want.
But honestly the posts you've written on here make me feel you would be a wonderful mother and you have the strength to get through the tough times together with your child, protecting them as you bring them up.

In general in the UK the children who end up being adopted have been seriously abused or neglected. Nothing in your posts seem to indicate to me that you would do that to your child.

Someone else mentioned social services will look at your family and the father/his family and try and place the child with them first. They will not necessarily reach the higher standard required by someone like me applying who has no blood connection to you child (but they will be vetted).

There is so much more to this than just handing over your baby, please ask social services or your midwife for support.

Good luck, I wish you and your baby so well, and everything works out for you both.

I think you should consider who else they may approach for a family adoption and how you would feel about that.
For example they would ask the fathers permission for the adoption and he could apply for custody. I'm not sure if they would consider your wider family and his wider family or not.
I'd strongly advise you talk to a family law solicitor or a social worker about it might go.

@saltandshake2 that's a very thoughtful post. I wish you luck in getting a successful match.

Op please reach out to your MW. I think you can give your baby as good a start in life as anyone else can.

Fathers’ Rights As the child’s father you’ll be asked to agree to the adoption - but only if you have parental responsibility. If you were never married to the child’s mother or named on the birth certificate, you can apply to the court for a Parental Responsibility Order to get parental responsibility."

it really isn't anything to do with the bio father if he has already cut the mum off, is it? He's not likely to make it onto the birth certificate, or try to get parental responsibility.

I'm sure the adoption agencies would ask about the fathers details, for the babies records even if nothing else.

It's generally accepted children do better staying within their own family so yes they are likely to look at both her extended family and his.

Adoption isn't like what it was in the 60s and 70s. Adoption parents are likely to be older too having spent a lot of time doing IVF etc. Which wasn't available back then.

Have you done a universal credit calculation based on maternity pay and also when in work? The website entitled to is really useful for working out what you may get a citizens advice can advise on benefits. This isn't a pushing you to keep the baby just that I saw in one of your updates you were looking at what you would be entitled to. I wish you all the best op what ever comes

It's true that it's different to the US buy most of these points are untrue.

@solosunflower It varies by local authority so I can only speak to my LA procedures

Firstly prior to birth they will ask you if any relatives would be able to take care of the child. If you have reasons why they would not be suitable and provide reasons why you do not want them contacted (especially in regards to safe guarding or poor parenting) they will respect this.

Before the birth they will discuss options with you including your preference over weather you would want to look after the baby until a placement could be found or if you would want baby to be placed instantly from the hospital. If you decide the second option then foster to adopt would be most LA's preference which is where the baby is fostered by the person or people who have been matched to it and will likely go on to adopt. If Foster to adopt can not be found in time then a short term foster will be arranged while a match is found.

Once baby is born its details will go to a matching panel where potential matches are discussed, once a good match has been found and the LA believes this could be the right adoptive placement for baby then you will be provided basic details (you can also express your preferences for a match such as age, family set up etc and this will be considered before suggesting a match) . You have the power to refuse a match (though if you refuse too many without reason they may give you an ultimatum of either taking baby out of authority care or no longer giving you a say).

As for the father if you do not give hos details they will not search for him and baby will be listed as father unknown , if you do give his details they will ask for his consent.

Overall there are very few voluntary adoptions in the UK but that does not mean it is the wrong choice. I would contact your local authority directly to get the ball rolling as they will help explain the processes and options as well as discussing alternatives.

Also please don't worry too much about the studies talking about harm and trauma of adoption as it is very hard to apply these to your situation. Most are adopted older and even babies adopted from birth have mostly been taken from the parent due to extreme circumstances (often abuse, risky behaviour or substance misuse). There are not enough healthy , cared for infants adopted from birth to draw a meaningful conclusion from these statistics.

Feel free to PM me if you have anymore questions or want to discuss further

There are a few posters who don't know the law around adoption (it's incredibly serious to legally sever the relationship between parents and child and requires due process as well as a court hearing for a judge to decide).
The father has the same legal rights as the mother, even if he's not been around or supportive during the pregnancy. The child has his DNA, therefore the father has rights. He might decide to never exercise those rights, but the legal process of adoption will include him.

There are also lots of posters saying they have friends and family who are adopted and they are wonderfully happy. Of course this can be true. It's the same for the children and people I know who have been adopted. But also in many of them, if you are in their 'inner circle' and they are honest with you and not putting a brave face on for the world so they aren't pitied or feel shame, there's a hell of a lot going on for them internally that I as a child who was raised by my birth parents with my siblings will never ever have to think about/feel.

Shame, identity, rejection all things they deal with, but they don't do that in public. In public (even with their close friends and family) they hide that part of them. They know the world wants to see the 'happy face' of adoption and they give the world want they want to see. We all mask to a certain extent, but most of us haven't been abandoned by our tribe. It's such a significant thing, but you can understand why it's not necessarily something they want to share with everyone.

Sorry, don't want to derail, but I feel really strongly about the misconceptions surrounding adoption.

@littlefirecar there are lots of studies on non-neglected adoptive babies who are now adults.

Adoption like this was very common in the UK and all over the world - unmarried mothers are not new, just the way society treats them has changed (due to the studies)

I'm not coming back to this thread now as I am totally over-stepping, but all the best if you are still reading this op.

Hope you are ok op and have managed to get some advice and spoken to a midwife. Have you tried talking to Citizens advice or perhaps your GP surgery has a social prescriber who could help? There maybe other avenues to try for financial support. Hope your ok x x

@saltandshake2 I wanted to say I know what you are saying to be so so true. Thank you for expressing it. It is not expresssed anything like enough.
@solosunflower all the very best to you as you make this very difficult decision for you and for your baby. You sound so thoughtful and loving already.