Dad's overnight on postnatal wards - yay or nay?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Taking this debate off another thread so as not to derail

For me, unless you book and pay for a private room, overnights are for mums and their babies only.

No recovering woman should have to handle overnights with upwards of 4 stranger men sitting in chairs in close proximity to their bed.

Dad's there to care for the woman and baby is unacceptable - not their job. Not at the expense of the other women wanting privacy overnight.

All older women who had babies during a time of a functioning NHS are all going to say no and all women who have had straight forward uncomplicated births are going to say no too but I can guarantee you that pretty much every woman who had a traumatic birth in recent years where there were no staff to help will be 100% for it. Leaving vulnerable women on wards after complicated births and serious surgery without any care while their new baby cries and they can’t get up to lift them out of the crib and feed them is an absolutely harrowing experience and it happens to so many women.

@Princesspollyyy
Yes, the MLU at the Rosie in Cambridge has double beds, ensuite, you can order a deliveroo... They are very proud of it! It's basically all they show you on the tour, and most people never get to use it. 🙃

It's a no from me

I'm not too sure what looking after the baby needs overnight that the mum cannot provide
Funny this argument is never used when lazy men don’t step up to do night feeds / settles / changes. It’s absolutely fine to do it all when you’ve just torn yourself in half / been sliced in half though. Also, what about the care for mum?

And sometimes HCP just don’t cut it. HCP told me to “pull myself together” when I couldn’t stop crying on the ward, she had sat with me for 5 minutes but clearly just thought I needed to get over myself. I needed that comfort my husband should have been able to provide. I fully believe if I had that close emotional support from my partner I wouldn’t have spiralled into a dark pnd.

If we could ban FaceTime on wards that would be good. Talk about an invasion of privacy

It's still a big fat NAY from me.

A massive NO from me.

I felt extremely vulnerable after each of my three births, which were all traumatic in their own ways. I would absolutely NOT have wanted a bunch of strange men near me overnight, sometimes just inches away on the other side of a flimsy curtain. I appreciate that that meant my own DH would have to go home, and accepted that.

During daytime visiting hours then fine, but even so, there was still the odd boorish oaf who we were all glad to see the back of when the time came.

At night to settle the mum and baby if the birth has just taken place then also fine, but they don't need to stay very long then. Half an hour at most.

They should only be allowed to stay overnight in very specific circumstances, and ideally with the use of a private room or a specific area set aside for the purpose.

It’s a nay from me.

No from me. I’ve had one discharged after 6 hours in labour room and youngest dc was born in a new maternity unit with all private rooms but both my other 2 labours/post natal care I’ve had issues with absolute arsehole men. Men who won’t shut up and let women rest, men who order the staff around like servants, men who encroach into your bed area, men pulling curtains back on other women, men shouting at women using the (patient) toilet, men being hugely abusive to even their own partners. With dc 3 there was visiting in the morning, (roughly 10-12), then two later sessions roughly 2-5 and 6-8) but there was time to rest with the ward quiet. I understand that some women need additional support (I’ve had a C-section too - it is hard) but when I needed additional support it made it a million times worse that men were being arseholes feet away from me when I was struggling to move. Even kind, respectful, nice men make noise and take up space. There are usually some side rooms that could be used for disabled and post section women if they need longer visiting hours. staffing is obviously a huge problem (but some men cause more work for staff, not less) and I think it is an area where specially trained volunteers could be helpful (although the noise and space could still be an issue). It would also be good to have day rooms where dads could sit with their babies, with or without the mothers so mothers in beds could rest. My sil had my niece in a hospital with 1 visitor allowed 8am to midnight. She was demented with the noise. Much better for her if the visitor had to spend chunks of several hours at a time in a day room instead of inches from her bed.

I had my children 30 plus years ago. No men overnight but much more help and care. There were I think nursery nurses to look after the babies and you stayed in hospital for several days resting and being cared for.

They're not just 'men' they're new dads who have also had their baby enter the world.

God this thread was painfully naive towards mothers who have had complicated births or have disabilities. I appreciate that you've now changed your tune to "surely the maternity wards should be adequately staffed rather than fathers being needed to provide support" - which is true - but the early responses (including OPs) saying what could the baby need that the mother couldn't do herself were.... quite something.

Until you've been stuck lying there unable to sit up with your baby screaming next to you and no member of staff coming to help then you clearly have no idea.

It really seems like a race to the bottom in the UK, this sounds appalling. And you are all just so accepting of it.

When I gave birth, not in the UK thank goodness, I had my own room. Dads were not allowed to stay through the night, but they were allowed extended visiting, so I think it was something like 10-8 they were expected not to be there during the post natal stay. At night (and the rest of the time) there were staff who came if you rang. It's so weird that all think the NHS is so fantastic and yet you don't have this.

No no no no no! Men do not belong on a post natal ward over night, EVER. I was horrified when I gave birth to my first to find that a dad in the bed opposite mine was staying overnight to " help" and then claimed the bed as bd say his Mrs on the plastic chair. We then proceeded to hear him tell her REPEATEDLY what she was doing wrong. Not just with the baby, but life in general. He snored and farted all night long and I am sure he asked her for "a wank or a blowie" At some point. I couldn't get out of there fast enough and as such my breastfeeding failed miserably and I left far earlier than I should have done.

I get it.

It's still a no.

Yeah, and they still have no place around vulnerable women imo.

@Topseyt123 You'd allow half an hour at most? Blimey...

God this thread was painfully naive towards mothers who have had complicated births or have disabilities.

As a disabled woman I'm even more vulnerable and have the right to privacy, safety, and dignity. No men overnight. More staff.

Nay.

When I had my second, I was on a ward and the mum opposite had her partner there from 7am to 11pm at night and we weren't allowed to close the curtains. It was awful. He kept staring at me and the other mums wouldn't of stayed if he was allowed to stay over night!

Definitely not. In fact it puts me off a hospital birth entirely - cannot stand other people in general 😂

No men and no loud phone calls please ( and we definitely don't need to hear the person at other end of the phone)

Ahahahahaha

assuming the wards have staff. Assuming the staff actually care. Assuming the woman is able bodied and capable after the birth. Assuming not a c section or a hard birth. Assuming there are services and abundance of them for “the right kind of woman “women to Swan into. Assuming women aren’t traumatised by any of the above not happening.

my son and I nearly died because of the lack of care I received on the post natal ward, him from fluid in his lungs that the midwives swore didn’t exist until he was blue and choking (I’d left him for 2 minutes to go to the bathroom and had to run him to the nursery station where they were all chilling, 12 hours post c section) and me from lack of sleep, infection and post natal high blood pressure. I have scaring from running around after my c section, in trauma and adrenaline with no one to look after us, it has affected my physical and mental ability to have another child for which I am very bitter. You wouldn’t treat an animal the way we were treated. I wish my husband hadn’t been sent home because maybe having an advocate and cater might have saved me from ptsd from the whole thing.

The worse maternity services are, the more arbitrary rules like this, the worse the outcomes are for women. We need to make these judgement on what is needed for worst case scenario. Not for effortless Catherine from the Home Counties who breathes out her tiny baby floating on a flower and then wafts her way home and is ready for a game of tennis the following day.

how dare you shame women for needing help, ie the baby’s father, in situations they can’t be expected to control.

@aSofaNearYou it really is. I’m actually going to have to stop looking at it. It’s really upsetting. People don’t understand that the lack of staff means that women who have just had complex births and surgery or women with disabilities are being left completely alone with a crying baby they can’t pick up or a finally sleeping baby they can’t put back down, so they’re having to fight to stay awake with a sleeping baby when they should themselves be recovering. It’s the worst feeling I’ve ever felt in my life and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. In an ideal world there would be enough midwives and nurses to help but there isnt.

Absolutely shouldn’t be allowed and provision urgently needs to be made for women’s needs to be supported by staff. It’s so unacceptable that women are expected to have strange men in their bay overnight. Postnatal is already hell on earth but a large part of that is people’s noisy, awful husbands and partners snoring, complaining, using the bathrooms, shoving their chairs through the curtains, bringing their abuse into the hospital, making demands of the staff, playing shite on their phones with the volume turned up, and generally being arseholes. (And even if your husband is the nicest man on earth, I still don’t want him near me while I’m sleeping.)

Absolutely not. Exceptional circumstances only.

So, what would have happened if one of the parents had needed a routine operation? Would the surgical ward have been expected to accommodate the whole family?