Dad's overnight on postnatal wards - yay or nay?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Taking this debate off another thread so as not to derail

For me, unless you book and pay for a private room, overnights are for mums and their babies only.

No recovering woman should have to handle overnights with upwards of 4 stranger men sitting in chairs in close proximity to their bed.

Dad's there to care for the woman and baby is unacceptable - not their job. Not at the expense of the other women wanting privacy overnight.

Also. If I hadn't been able to book into this hospital, I would have opted for a home birth, purely because of how uncomfortable I felt.

I think women should have a choice whether they are comfortable being in an area where partners stay overnight or whether they want just mums and their babies.There should be single sex spaces for women at a vulnerable time.

Pigs will fly before that happens though.

@TheMagicSword I think the problem with this is it's so open to abuse- when I had DD during COVID I saw a man allowed onto the post natal ward when it was strictly forbidden for everyone else because they'd kicked off massively at the doors and were being aggressive towards the midwives and other staff. Presumably they didn't feel like if they called security they would get a timely response or they didn't want to cause more drama and upset for the women after him shouting and swearing and kicking things so they let him stay.
I don't think partners should be allowed to stay overnight personally because not everyone is considerate of others and like PP say when you are half naked and hobbling to the loo with blood pouring out of you the last thing you want is some random man wandering around getting a coffee and making phone calls.

It's a no from me. Visiting was from 8 to 8 at my hospital and my DH went home at 8... but he was the only one. All the others stayed until at least 10, when the poor nurses (who have much more important things to do!) had to kick them out. I also had the added joy of having a woman in the bed next to be who on one night started a two hour long FaceTime argument with her partner at 1am because she was "stuck in hospital with a baby" and he got to sleep. Even though there were signs everywhere that said no calls after 8pm. It was great.

I don't think that's been established by the post natal ward

One of the things I worry about is the opportunity it gives an abuser to control and prevent the woman from disclosing the abuse.

they 100% should be aloud yes. There aren’t enough midwives to help the women. It’s ok if you’ve had a straightforward labour but if you’ve had complications and can’t stand up then the help is vital.

Unless they are in a private room - absolutely not.

It's not appropriate to use the men to plug this gap.

So what is your suggestion?

My mum is a nurse and had a family member (a brother of a woman who had just given birth, not even partner or birth partner) spit in her face during COVID because he wasn't allowed in to see his new niece or nephew. What an awful time that was.

Nope. Like most people, I'd like my husband there but noone else's so that means no Dads. If we're talking perfect world, the ward is well-staffed enough for everyone to be looked after by staff.

I had a COVID baby in and got discharged onto a well-staffed ward, it so was peaceful. The midwives were saying it was the best it had been in years without visitors around.

Anyone remember that idiot who wouldn't get changed out of his wee Willie Winkie nightdress and the midwives told him he had to get properly dressed so he kicked off? Ugh. Men.

Post section I really couldn't manage alone. With my first I ended up sitting up holding DS all night because I couldn't get up to put him in the cot (couldn't use arms to push myself up because I was holding baby, tummy muscles out of action). Second DC was at a different hospital where everyone got private room, DH stayed and it was so much easier.

Ideally there should be enough staff to help new mums, but a cheaper alternative is probably enough private rooms that partners can stay without introducing on others.

No one should be expected to pay for their partner to give care that should have been provided by staff anyway, and limiting the ability to access any care to those who can afford to pay for a room is awful.

I think I agree with this.

I had an experience like you had with your second. I got lots of sleep and care and it was lovely. My husband really wouldn't have had anything to do and he was exhausted after being awake for 30 hours and slept better at home.

The poor woman next to me couldn't get out of bed or lift her baby after an emergency C-Section and her baby wouldn't breastfeed and cried all night. I wish her husband had been there to help.

Yay from me and it was a positive experience as all the other partners were considerate and well behaved.

We’d all had complicated CSs and needed loads of help, we were in recovery overnight as I’d had a GA then was still in a bad way when moved to postnatal. DH did everything for the baby but feed her.

The whole ward was run relying on partners to look after the women and babies. The only annoying person was one woman’s mum who kept popping in and having a go at the poor woman but her DH was nice and no complaints about the other husbands/partners. We were in for a week in the end, DH slept in a chair next to me.

I wish her husband could have been there

Surely if you have a wish to grant on this it would be I wish maternity wards were properly staffed

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz no it’s not but if that’s all there is it’s better than nothing.
I have had two c sections the first was emergency and they suspected my dd had Down syndrome at that point partners weren’t aloud to stay I could barely stand, I was an emotional wreck and there wasn’t a midwife to be seen. With my second child I had a straightforward c section and my dh didn’t spend the first night with us, I have to admit my curtain was open and I couldn’t get up to close it, there were other men there and I did feel vulnerable but in all honesty the men couldn’t give a shit they’re all busy looking after their partners and babies. The next night my dh stayed and it was an absolute life saver. I think for women who have uncomplicated deliveries their partners should be sent home for everyone that needs the help they should have the choice to stay because they don’t have the staff.

This. I wasn't allowed out of bed, I couldn't change a nappy until day 3. My husband did it all

I actually find this topic so frustrating. When DH went home I had absolutely 0 support from staff despite trying to call for help a number of times. After a C-section just picking baby up out of the cot was nearly impossible, not to mention getting to the toilet myself.

The problem is that there is just not enough staff, and rather than allowing men to stay they opt to leave women without any support. So frustrating!

This is such a tired debate.

If you had a birth where you can’t physically pick up your baby, sit up to take pain relief and are terrified after emergency surgery you’d be glad of your partner providing one to one support. If you feel vulnerable after birth and are uncomfortable being around strangers you might prefer fewer visitors, particularly men.

Neither position is unreasonable, so what’s to be gained by fighting about it?

The Dad and man bashing on this platform is disgusting. Why do so many women, as soon as baby has been conceived see it as solely theirs?
Dads are 100% equal and should be treated so. If allowed they have a right to be there, obviously remaining respectful to other patients.
Hate to break it to you but they are there for their partner and THEIR brand new baby, what makes you think they'd be interested in you?!!

Perhaps we need a system of national maternity volunteers. Women who have been vetted, who are retired midwives or nurses or women who have had experience with their own babies, used as assistants to help lift babies up to their mothers, fetch drinks, help get them to the loo, etc.

I would happily do an occasional night, too, to help women and babies get some rest, if it meant some of these obnoxious males could be excluded.

Oh, how many women would love to do that? Bit of a new baby cuddle, bit of a new mum pep talk.

I know it shouldn't be needed but it does sound lovely.

Nay nay and 3 times nay, as my dear late mother would have said. This is woman territory. When I gave birth to my first one 42 year ago my partner wasn't even allowed in the delivery room

@rebecca100 🙄 hope he sees it, hun.