Dad's overnight on postnatal wards - yay or nay?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Taking this debate off another thread so as not to derail

For me, unless you book and pay for a private room, overnights are for mums and their babies only.

No recovering woman should have to handle overnights with upwards of 4 stranger men sitting in chairs in close proximity to their bed.

Dad's there to care for the woman and baby is unacceptable - not their job. Not at the expense of the other women wanting privacy overnight.

@CastleTower @Princesspollyyy yes it was the Rosie! I gave birth in the pool both times and sheets were changed on the bed when I stayed overnight (DC2 born at 1am) so DH did sleep on the bed.

No men don't belong on the maternity ward outside of visiting hours. Happy to have generous visiting daytime windows but not overnight in shared spaces.

Women need some privacy, dignity and safety when we are at our most vulnerable. Male visitors are not DBS or security checked in the way that regular staff would be and if staffing is a problem then that is what we should be escalating - not replacing qualified and checked staff with unchecked and unqualified men.

*I get it.

It's still a no.*

Still doesn't really excuse all the "why doesn't the mother just handle it" responses.

Generally after a routine operation. You’re not expected to keep a tiny vulnerable human, who needs feeding and changing every 1-2 hours alive while in recovery yourself.

stupid comment.

Yes from me.

I had my first alone and trying to take care of a very unsettled newborn after an epidural and a long, difficult labour with no sleep was horrendous. Midwife took DD to settle her for me but then brought her back after ten minutes as she wouldn't settle.

DP was there with me after our second and he quietly took care of DS while I slept, on and off, for probably around 24 hours. It was much needed, I recovered much quick from the labour in general.

I would absolutely support separate spaces though for those who wanted them.

As a disabled woman I'm even more vulnerable and have the right to privacy, safety, and dignity. No men overnight. More staff.

Yes, more staff. I'm not really arguing that men should be allowed, more that a lot of the responses here have been very dismissive of mothers being unable to adequately look after their babies on their own after the birth.

We’ll wave your magic wand and make the staffing rations happen then. Until then women need someone with a vested interest in caring for her and the baby/babies and keeping them alive around. And that’s the dad for most people.

Nope I don't think it's appropriate unless it's medically necessary and a private room is provided. I gave birth on the midwife led unit and they offered for my partner to stay with us in that room until the morning - it didn't actually happen because it went wrong and I ended up staying on the post natal ward. He could visit til midnight though and that was ok, yes it was hard as I'd just had surgery but it makes sense to not have men staying over

I totally understand why it's a no, but I do think there needs to be single rooms and provisions for certain circumstances.

DH stayed with me after out first born. The alternative would have been him sitting in reception or outside the hospital all night because we knew at any minute he could crash in NICU and die. He couldn't have just gone home and frankly he made the nurses life easier because I wasn't hysterical when I had him to push me to and from NICU.

When I had the twins via C Sec he stayed two nights because whilst caring for his children wasn't his job, I had dodgy BP and there weren't enough staff to support me with two babies.
Both times we had a private room, he didn't leave the room after bedtime, he only left it fully dressed.
He didn't wee on the ward.

I know some people will still call me a selfish self absorbed bitch who cares nothing for he trauma of others but with the first born, I want capable of any thought beyond my baby dying and with the twins I needed to not collapse and drop them.

There needs to be adequate provision for everyone's needs

No from me. If all men could be trusted to be respectful and polite then yeah they’d be fine to be there. But they can’t, no point in saying ‘but my husband is lovely’, because not all men are and midwives shouldn’t be put in the position where they are having to ask men to leave. Very glad I didn’t make it to the postnatal ward with my second, we went home straight from the delivery room as postnatal was full. I was 20 when I had my first, everyone else’s husband went home but of course the burley aggressive loud mouth got to stay. Farting and burping all night, shouting, watching television turned up to loud on his phone, poking his head round curtain that weren’t fully closed to be a nosey twat, it was shit, they wanted me to stay another night but I said I couldn’t bear it.

The postnatal wards were akin to prison were I was. I had almost zero care due to very poor staffing and the care I had was an abusive maternity assistant. Until and unless they fund postnatal wards properly and provide sufficient well trained people, they have absolutely no business restricting access to family care (male or female). Without my husband I really think me and my child would have been at risk of harm.

@Theresahippopotamusonourroofeatingcake Ah the Rosie! Love them dearly in many ways, but the differential between the birth centre and the Lady Mary postnatal ward (which I think 80+ percent of of their patients have to go to, and regularly describe as the worst night of their lives ime) is totally shocking - particularly when the tour is all about the wonders of the birth centre!

All that said, really pleased you got to have that experience, it sounds lovely. I wish it was available for the high risk women too, that's all.

I had a complicated birth last time, so got my own room. It had a private room due to the complicated birth. I couldn't look after myself or my baby for a few days, the nurses were too busy to help much, so they let my husband stay if he didn't leave the room between certain hours. It was very helpful.

I had a very similar experience with my first, and yes it was awful! I don't dispute that the solution is more staff, but it is really upsetting reading so many people saying the mother should be able to just get on with it.

When my friend gave birth , dad wasn't ( and still isn't )around.

They let me stay with my friend on the ward for 1st night despite not being one of the birth partners.
This was kind as she needed support.

If you do stop husbands and partners staying it would have to be a blanket on any visitors staying male or female

I think it should be consistent at least.

I had a crap experience anyway but I couldn't understand why, when my husband was kicked out at 1am another woman's husband was allowed to stay the following night - the only reason I could see was that they kicked up a massive fuss. I didn't overly mind DH having to go, not least because of his bloody snoring! - but the inconsistency annoyed me. Particularly as, when I was admitted, I was the only person in that 4 bed bay however when this couple came in, it was full.

I was lucky enough to stay in a private room with both my children, however gave birth overnight and home by lunchtime.

If practical could some wards be allocated to women who are happy to have dads around and others wards kept men free, give the mums the option.

I don't know why posters are taking umbridge to a discussion of what 'good' maternity care would look like to mums.

Plenty of countries manage it, it's not beyond the pale. Have we become so unaspirational in the UK that we can't even discuss the idea of a well-staffed ward existing?

Are we just stereotyping that every man will be like this?? And why does it mean they're bringing 'abuse' with them? News flash, not every man is an abuser!!
I guarantee that this wouldn't be an issue if it were a female couple. Would anyone even question a female partner staying over night? Probably not.

A C Section isn't routine, it's major abdominal surgery. Most new mothers would go for routine surgery within hours or days of giving birth so Dad would be able to stay at home with the baby. >is just a nonsensical comparison

@aSofaNearYou the other thing to take into consideration is if someone has had a straightforward birth the chances are not only will they need less help they will only be staying one night. The women who need the support are going through multiple nights of pain, a screaming baby and no help at the most vulnerable time of their lives. It’s really traumatic.

Never understood why birth centres, which are for uncomplicated births, people get private rooms and partners staying over whereas you can have a complicated birth and be shoved on a ward with no support. There's probably space and staffing reasons or something but it does seem arse about face.

100% agree with you. First child was born on the Lady Mary ward (before the MLU was revamped to be fair) and the contrast in experiences was night and day.

I think I had some form of PTSD from my first birth with manifested postnatal anxiety. With the last two, the whole experience was almost a pleasure and it had a huge impact on the postnatal period. I really really wish that it was standard for all postnatal recovery.

No, as long as the midwives help with caring for your baby post c section whist you have a catheter in.

If the MW don't help you then you need your partner to help.

Sorry- that was in reply to @CastleTower but forgot to tag!