First time IVF age 42

[worrymerchant]

HI - i am 42 and going thru my first IVF ICSI cycle... (already have DS,15ys, and DD 13ys from prior marriage). DH has low motility. Egg Collection produced only 7 eggs, 3 poor quality, 2 failed ICSI, i didnt fertilise so was left with just one egg to implant last thurs on day 2. AM feeling very low about it all. Any positive advice or feedback please?

HI Newbishad... you sound like you're in a really bad place just now... Are you in Ireland because of work (you\partner?). is there any chance of getting back home soon? I do really understand because I had to endure 2 years in Singapore, having given up everything to go there in support of my husband only to have my marriage finally collapse whilst there. you dont need to apologise about anything, are you worried about anything in particular? it helps to talk, and if you want to share then I am here to listen.

Have you tried relaxation tapes for hte sleepless nights? Or is there a safe herbal remedy you could get from the health store? Sleepless nights are just awful, I know. I've had enough of them myself. the only other thing i can think of just know is soem form of prenatal yoga\pilates or deep breathing techniques are supposed ot be quite effective.

Anyway, must go for now. Take care now, and speak soon x

HI TNP - thanks, It just seems so weird to be up and down like this. Also, there is such a lot of conflicting information out there it gets very confusing. I dont think i am goign to test til the friday if i can help it. i just want it to be over with!

I really feel for you re the headaches... I remember having terrible headaches with both of mine,and paracetamol is the strongest thing you're allowed. hopefully this stage wont last long with you, nad i think i remember being told that things like headache and nausea are associated wiht a strong attachment from the baby, so there is a positive in there somewhere.

Anyway, hope to talk again soon - take care x

Dear both of you,

Thank you both for your messages, you are really really helping. I don't feel so alone. Thank God I am now back in England! I can't believe how atrocious the services were in Ireland, particulalry from the Psychiatric point of view. I am talking about a very mild sleeping medication to help after a run of bad nights which I think is less detrimental to baby and me than what was happening before, which was almost no sleep and a tendency to not eat well as a result of exhaustion. I do need psychological support as well I admit that, but both are necessary. My partner and I were completly disempowered by the whole experience, he wasn't even allowed to come into the consultation with me and I had people making decisions about me and my baby which I disagereed with and had no option to challenge. I was left to cope for the entire night, with a vague promise of psychology sometime in the future. In the end I took just over 0.5mgs of vallium (which is practically a placebo)and slept for 8 hours. Baby continued to kick vigorusly. I will do this every third night until I can see a doctor. Of course i will only take it if I need it. It shouldn't go on for too long, the services in my part of England are excellent.
Part of the problem is a fear of falling asleep because of nightmares about the two ectopic pregnancies and like both of you I have taken a lot of medicine which has disrupted everything. I think now I am back home things will imrpove. My partner is going to wind down the house we are renting. We will go over to Ireland and collect him in a month.I am sorry to hear about your experiences in Singapore, W.M after what I have gone through in the last couple of days I really understand.
T.N.P I am sorry to hear about the headaches. I have managed to get away without them so far but I understand the medication issue of course. Someone at work suffered badly with it and she did say it improved.
On the positive side I had a scan yesterday and all is well. Baby is about 24 weeks, (despite all my anxiety)and is now at least viable. I don't know the gender because the cord was in the way but she /he has been kicking away while I type.
W.M I continue to think of you and hope all is well. If I was religous I would pray. Keep in touch!

Hi both of you,

I am glad you are now back in England, Newbishad, and hope being back will help you settle better at night, along with a little valium if it helps. I have found that insomnia seems to come for me in cycles, and if I can break it and get just one good night's sleep, then I have a good chance of resting properly the next night, and so on. So, hope that's the case with you and you get out of this awful bout of sleeplessness. When you can't sleep, all else goes downhill rapidly, doesn't it? Worries become amplified, getting through the day is hell and then physically, I find headaches and dizziness take a hold as well. Sorry you're having those nightmares, quite understandable given the circumstances and what you've been through, but it's such great news you had a good scan - that's fantastic, and so reassuring. My next hurdle is the 20-week scan - I'm trying not to worry (what will they find, etc?).

Yes, my headaches and dizziness are a real nuisance at the moment, especially as I'm having to juggle the school run twice a day with 5 year old DS1. I haul us all out to walk it - it's a 20 min, hilly walk there and back - fine if you're not pregnant and not feeling too great! But I feel guilty about getting the car out for such a short journey, especially given the parking there is v bad, unless I'm very ill or the weather's really awful. So, I feel like I'm constantly heaving myself around at the moment and then running around after my 2year old during the day as well! Argghh!!

A special note for WorryMerchant: I do hope you've had some periods of worry-free time, during this very difficult stage. Just think, you've done so well already, to have got this far is incredible, and all while keeping the family running as normal and having to cope with all the demands. Will be thinking & praying for you and please let us know when you can - only if you want to, of course. Keep strong, x

Dear TNP,

Thanks for your kind words. I am in England now and much better.You are right about the pattern of bad nights. Part of my worry is that I have no other driver in Ireland because my partner has an eye sight difficulty. If I don't sleep I still have to drive which is a problem.
I hope your 20 week scan goes okay. When are you having it? It is a relief to have it out of the way and I will probably get another one now I am in England.
I don't know if we are allowed but if you are nazel can you inhale with hot water to clear your nose? Have you also had your blood pressure / blood iron levels tested. I pity you having the morning run, I don't have the problem of other children at the moment.
W.M I am thinking of you and hope all is well. AS TNP said I hope you have some stress free moments in there amongst everything you have to do.

Thanks Newbishad, I shall try the hot water trick. Blood pressure was okay last time I saw midwife, but not due to see her again for another 4 weeks, and scan in just under 2 weeks, so plenty of time to get myself worked up about it!

Hi there you two,

I'm afraid I am not having a good day at all. I stupidly did a test early this morning and it was blank.

I can't stop crying. I didn't tell DH but instead have been really horrible.

I jsut feel so awful. I really dont think I can cope.

Dear W.M,

I am so, so sorry to hear you news. It must be awful. You both need some time to yourselves to adjust. There are no right or wrong answers. The whole IVF game can be so cruel at times, can't it.
When are you due to test with your clinic? I don't want to raise your hopes but it is still early.
Do feel free to get in touch any time you want and let us know how you are doing. My thoughts are with you.

Oh WM, I'm really really sorry. But I say a result isn't a result until Friday. Hormone levels can vary so much between different women, and as Newbishad says, it is early. It doesn't mean it's a negative yet. Do you think you ought to tell your DH you've tested, so you can get the support you need right now? Have you got anyone with you today? Can you go out somewhere and do something if not? Take care x

Hi, I have had an awful day, and now am suffering a bad headache because of it. I will try again on Friday, but I have lost all my confidence. Thank you both for your support, it really does mean a lot to me. It hadnt really sunk in until now just how important this really is to me. Before I had a)assumed I would be successful and b) thought I would just go ahead and try again if not. But now I realise just how devasted I will feel If I do not get a positive on Friday.

What a horrid day for you. It is all such a massive strain and half the time we just don't realise the toll all the drugs and hoping for a positive have on us. It is just the most difficult time, I know. Hang in there - the show aint over til Friday, and then you can think what to do. Take care x

Dear WM,
I have been thinking of you today. It is a horrible, difficult, stressful time and it is important to you, I really do know, having gone through IVF myself! I think any women who has taken all those drugs would agree.
Like TNP says I hope there are people around to support you and your partner while you are going through it. I agree that you should hang in there until Friday and then decide what to do. Take as much time as you need! If you are working I would recomend that you take some time off or rope in your family to look after the kids. If you don't want to tell them what you have been through you could always invent something.
Look after youself. I am here if you want to talk.
XXX

HI there you two... thank you for your messages, I hope you both wont disappear! You should carry on talking to eachother if i am not around! I feel a bit better today in that i am not openly crying, but still low. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow. x

Dear WM,

Tnaks for thinking of us while you are going through this difficult time. I continue to think of you and will be around to talk tomorrow, all best wishes for you and your DH.
Of course you feel low and crying is fine and natural, do just what you want. Whatever the outcome tomorrow, it will take you some time to adjust and you should allow yourself the time and space.

Dear WorryMerchant - still thinking of you today and ditto what Newibshad says for tomorrow. So hope you get that positive outcome, but whatever the result, I will check in periodically tomorrow and will be here to chat it through if you want to. Take care. x

HI you two, just to let you know that i have confirmed a BFN this morning. I feel quite numb. I think I did all my cryign the other day. I just dont know what to do next. DH tryign ot be supportive but I keep pushing him away. Think I have really upset him now. I jsut feel I have let everyone down and htat it is all my fault. I did everything I could to prepare and give myself the best possible chance so I dont understand. There must be something wrong with me.

Dear WM - please don't think there is anything wrong with you and that it is your fault - that's just not the case, neither have you let anyone down. I am really sorry about your BFN, really sorry. I think you will feel numb for quite a while - it's the body's way of coping with the shock of it. And I'm sure your DH will understand what you are both going through right now, so don't worry about thinking you've upset him. Am I right in remembering you haven't told family/wider circle about the treatment? Good idea, then you don't have to go explaining to others at a time when you just want tor retreat. I do know how upset you're feeling, after years and years of BNFs each and every month. Will you go for a follow-up with your clinic and see what they say about chances with further treatment, if that's what you might want to do?

I also meant to say that you feeling upset, I know that's an understatement. And that, regarding feeling a failure, to try to think how successful you both were to have a fertilised embryo, which is a major stage in the whole battle, and whether they implant or not is down to chance.

Dear WM,

TNP is right, there is nothing wrong with you. I also understand how you are feeling. Numbness is part of the shock. Just let yourself feel.There was absolutley nothing, nothing, nothing you did wrong. As I said before, these things unfortunately are largely out of our control. You gave that embryo every best chance you could and did everything possible. You have suffered a bereavement. I too have lost much loved embryos and I know.
Maybe you could tell your DH that are you are not pushing him away but it is how you feel right now. Everyone is different but I do know that it can be harder for the women than the man. Men haven't gone through all those hormones. I am sure he will understand and the clinic should help, ask for all the support you can get.
I don't know about you, but I am writer. Have you any creative interests which you could use to express your loss. Some women I know plant trees, in fact I took a conker from Borne Hall and planted it in my Dad's garden on the day of my embryo transfer. I also write. For years my fictional children and my dogs plus cat became my family. I now have two novels I am trying to publish and hundreds of short stories and plays. Maybe you could paint or write or plant something. Then again, that might not be you. Perhpas you would like to go away somewhere. It will take time to think things through.
My thoughts and wishes go out to you. I am around to talk if you feel like it

Dear WM,
Just checking in to see how you were doing today.
Still around if you would like to talk.

Dear TNP,

I was really, really sorry to hear about Worry Merchant's news. A failed cycle is so difficult. As you said we both apreciate it having had BFN for months, years in my case. I really want to recognise her loss. We invest so much finacially, emotionally, time wise.
Worry Merchant very kindly said we should continue to talk. I have benefited from our little chats.I wonder how you feel about checking in from time to time.
Thinking of you XXX

Thanks so much Newbishad, that's very kind of you & I'd love to check in and chat. I check in frequently but post rarely due to constantly being up and down, in and out etc with family needs, except in this case, where I did feel particularly compelled to offer some support to WM, knowing as you do what the whole IVF thing is like. Are you sleeping any better now? My scan is actually this Tuesday (was a whole week behind myself and thought I had longer to fret about it than I actually do) so getting a bit jittery and want it done with.

Dear WM - I'm sure Newbishad will join me in hoping that we might see you on the pregnancy board in the future, and that we're thinking of you now during this difficult time.

xx

Dear WM, I certainly do join TNP in hoping we see you on the pregnancy board in the future. All best wishes.
Take care X

Dear TNP,

All best wishes for your scan. At least you don't have so long to wait. I am sure everything will be fine. At this stage it would be unlikely that something would go wrong without you knowing about it but I am also hugely anxious about scans so I know. Let me know how you do and I hope the headaches have improved. Did inhaling help?
I am doing much better sleepwise since my rapid departure from Ireland. I have to sort out work but after everything I've been through our baby is the most important thing and I do not want to risk anything. There is no way I can go back into that blach hole. I will probably have to take early maternity leave after sick leave BUT I DON'T CARE. Here in England I am being offered extra support by the midwifery service / GP in loo of my history and I have so far been able to avoid any medication. My family have also been great.
The most important thing is that I can feel the baby is moving around even if it is a bit uncomfortable.
Take care X

I'm so glad you're sleeping better and that you're feeling more at ease in yourself & that you're getting proper medical support. When do you next see your midwife? If you're seeing her nice and regularly then that's great, as it can vary so much around the country, can't it. I have weeks until my next one, but then I'm about 5/6 weeks down the road from you and I know they get more frequent as you progress. Yes, I think you should take maternity leave when you need it, healthwise, that's what it's for.

Bit of a nasty headache again when I woke this morning, but it's okay for now.

Will post to you on pregnancy board re my scan and thanks for your good wishes. Take care in the meantime, x

Hi TNP,

My ante-natal care is a bit peculiar because I have been seen in two different countries. However, I am lucky that I live in the Cambridge area which has been rated best in the country. I am due to see my midwife on 18th Feb. I was extremely impressed that she actually rang me after I had been to the doctor and we chatted for a while and I was able to explain that I was highly anxious and why. She has given me the mobile numbers of both midwives in the practice plus an emergency out of hours number. I have an excellent practice and I have come to an agreement that I will see the dcotor and midwife more frequently than normal because I have been through so much.
Can you tell me how to access the pregnancy board. I would love to share your scan but I am new to the whole thing and am not sure how to get onto it.
Take care and keep headache free.