17 and pregnant

[G7yaia]

I recently found out I’m pregnant. It’s a total shock and is my own fault for not being on any contraception (I was on the pill but made me depressed). Me and my boyfriend have been together nearly a year he is a few moths younger than me but turned 17 this year too. I have always said I would never want a kid and he agreed. My mum knows and she is being very supportive and saying whatever decision I make she will support me. My boyfriends first reaction was to get rid of it. I’ve spoken about it to him since and he says he doesn’t want to speak about it. Which is very childish of him he is lovely and has never hurt me he does nothing but love me. I have decided that I’m going to keep it, I can’t go through with an abortion but my mind does keep changing. The reasons to get rid outweighs the reasons to keep. I will be 18 by the time I have the baby. I left school and had a year off due to not knowing what I want to do I’ve recently gone back to college to do a 2 year course then hopefully go to uni. But now I know it’s not going to be that easy. He is doing a 2 year course too. His family will not be as happy as my mum and he is begging me to get rid as his family will ‘kick him out’ I’ve told him I’ll do this with or without you. My head is just really all over the place, this doesn’t feel real. I just need some advice. I’ve already heard a million times from friends that I won’t be able to live my life and so on my mum had me at 17 so I’ve heard all of this. Now my mum has a better social life than me 😂. I do enjoy going out with my friends and know I will miss out on a lot but I also can’t bear to go through with an abortion I really struggle with my mental health and I feel like this baby will give me a purpose in life. Maybe I am not ready but I have a good support system and don’t want to get rid just because my boyfriend wants me to that will only end up in me hating him. He says whatever I choose he will support me but he obviously would prefer if I don’t keep it. I just don’t know I feel so empty right now and need advice ☹️

In your position I aborted and I do not regret it for a moment. Having a baby to give your life purpose and to fix your poor mental health is a dreadful idea - being a parent is incredibly hard and can be ruinous from a MH perspective, even when you're a fully prepared adult who planned a baby.

It is much, much better to regret an abortion than to regret a child. You've got decades ahead of you in which to have kids, and to do things properly.

I haven’t been in your position but it really worries me that you have said you hope the baby will give you purpose and that will help your mental health

Babies are really really HARD work. Even when you’ve got loads of support and money and help, your mental health gets shredded
If you are already in a low place, a baby is not going to fix that. In fact, it will almost make it a lot worse in the short and medium term
It doesn’t sound like you will have much support, and will also probably have to deal with quite a lot of conflict from your boyfriend/ex-boyfriend and family.
don’t underestimate how exhausting and draining that will be to deal with.

If I was in your position, I would have an abortion this time and look to improve my mental health and general prospects (with your courses etc) and then think about having a family when the time is right

Having a baby should be about what you can do for the baby you are bringing into that world
Not what you think the baby can do for you

Best of luck whatever you decide

You sound as though your mum is willing to support you, which is great. There may be groups for young mums in your area too, and if you choose to keep the baby the midwife team could point you on the right direction of these.

it is your body, your baby and your future. It is of course going to be tricky, but people have babies at your age and do go on to have happy families & careers.

that said, if you were to chose not to continue with the pregnancy, it is unlikely that this is your only shot at motherhood. Nobody can make the decision for you unfortunately- but perhaps there’s somebody neutral at your college, like a counsellor, who could discuss it with you?

very best of luck with whatever you decide

OP this is your decision and no one can make it but you.
Sometimes when things are hard it’s easier to do nothing and let whatever happens happen. But in this situation you need to think about the two scenarios carefully and not just about the next few weeks but about the next 20 or 30 years.
It sounds like, actually, you don’t want a baby, but you don’t want an abortion either.
Do you know how pregnant you are? Have you looked up exactly how abortion works at your stage of pregnancy as well? Done that? Great.
Now you need to look at what pregnancy and birth are like. Birth is always messy and involves some pain (they do help you manage it with medicines but it will hurt at some point in the process or while recovering afterwards). Sometimes birth can be traumatic. Very occasionally it’s a bit dangerous for the mother or the baby or both and that can be scary.
So you need to compare abortion with childbirth and not abortion with nothing.
Next have a think about what you’d like the next 5 years to look like. Babies are cute. They are gorgeous and amazing but they are also all consuming and need you more than you can even imagine in the first year. Becoming a mum is also a bit of a shock to every new mother or involved father. You can still go to university or get a job. You can still have friends and go out. But everything will take 10times as much thought and planning time so you will go out much mess than your friends and you will have to balance your studies or job with baby/toddler sleep etc. Spontaneousness won’t be a thing for you. Also look into how much money you’ll have in each scenario.
Then think about the next 5 years when you will either be 23-28 getting set up in your career and relationship(s) or parenting a school ages child whilst getting set up in your career and relationship(s).
Give yourself a few days to really think about what is the best decision for you. Be selfish. Don’t worry about your bf or your families. Do what will make you happiest.

Your attitude is so inspiring for someone so young. I think you will be a great mother.

Very rude.

I got pregnant at 23 DS was planned but the hardest thing till this day is that you do miss out and its important. My mum had me at 17 also... its not the same going out at 40.

Baby aside OP. What did you want to do with your life study/work? Is this possible still?

Tbh in this economy I would not do it I would get myself on the property ladder FIRST its borderline impossible without a good job. Private rents are extortionate have you looked at the prices?

Also realistically your u likely to be with your current BF in 20 years time or even 10 sorry but these things here are what you need to consider.

Where Will you live?
How will you support the baby money wise?

Are you planning on just having your mum pay for everything?

I think it really depends on how strong you are and how strong your support system is.

My sister isn't a very strong person & had her 1st baby at 16 and needed alot of help from our mum even now at 30 she still needs help sometimes, but then a friend of mine is very strong willed and had her 1st baby at just 14 had little support & still managed to finish her GCSEs and go to college. Both are amazing mums, if your determined enough you just crack on and make things work but you may need that extra support because babies really are such hard work.

I love my 1 year old more than anything but the sleepless nights, early mornings, constant feeding & changing nappies, making 3 meals a day, bathing each night, picking up toys every 5 mins and entertaining all day to keep him happy is ALOT.

Tonight I started making my dinner at 6pm, its now 8.15pm and I'm only just sitting down to eat because you don't get any time to yourself anymore 🙃

Also this

Baby's are soooo expensive, it has cost me thousands already and baby is only 1! When you need a pram, car seat, cot, bath, bouncer, walker, dummies, toys, bottles, steriliser, high chair, feeding bits, new clothes every 3 months and the list goes on

I get alot of clothes on ebay/vinted, some of the bigger things I got new but there's lots of good bits on Facebook marketplace etc so you really need to consider the costs of everything and how you will pay for it all

As 2 adults in our 30s with a very decent income, things have been hard. As a single teenager I can’t imagine how difficult things would be.

Thats not to say you couldn’t do it, but the thought that a baby will be GOOD for your mental health is scarily naive.

So much support on here for you .. (joke) if I’m honest I wish I had a baby much younger, would have kicked me up the arse to be an adult sooner and grow up. Yes you will loose years to this baby but it’s a very long life , you literally have your whole life ahead of you. Yes baby’s are expensive but what isn’t anymore. You could try to do a part time course if you have a good support system in place. Don’t let people use your age as a reason , it’s ultimately your choice . Perhaps there’s a group locally for young mums you could speak to to get a understanding before making a final decision. You sound like your a mature 17 year old , I think you will be a good mum :)

Just reiterating everything already said really. Baby's are HARD work. Expensive. Completely consuming. Exhausting. Yes they are very very cute but then there are the sleep regressions which floor you every few weeks/months, the constant need to spend money. I have a 2 year old that has decided this week he hates his bed for absolutely no reason known to DH and I, with hysterical screaming - and he's never, ever been a screamy child. A nearly five year old that's just started school, I have had to spend a small fortune on shoes, bags, coats, meals, non uniform days.... Then there is the emotional support, the tears every morning because he's scared to go in, the hour spent teaching him to read in the evening. Oh and the fights between the two of them 😬 there is a lot of drudgery with kids is my point. I can't imagine trying to fit in college/uni etc around that at such a young age when realistically you would otherwise be out living life and enjoying yourself. Resentment could seriously, seriously be worse to your mh imo. Goodluck OP with your decision

read this and take it on board for everyones sake.

My dsis was your age when she had my niece (niece now 15). There was no question that she wanted to keep it. The father walked away and never seen child. My dsis continued with college, did a degree in social work (about 6 years later) and Is now happily married with another child and has a great life. Great job and owns her home. I've known a few young mums and I'd say they haven't done as well as my dsis for a few reasons (just my observations- not judgements):

My dsis lived at home with my parents until her dc was 6. This meant no housing worries and no rent. She had lots of family support around her. She had strong aspirations for her future (all her other siblings went to uni and she wanted to) and she made it happen. It was hard but she's reaping the benefits now. She's 32 with a 15 and 8 year old and is still so young.

Good luck in your choice x

At the end of the day it's your body your choice.

Just because you're 17 doesn't mean you won't make a great mum.

Good luck in what you decide.

I was that pregnant 17 year old
My eldest child is now about to turn 16 and the youngest 11. I went to college, uni - have two degrees and a masters and now own a business. I own my own house and car etc.
If I can do it so can you.

Being a good mum is not determined by age, its about taking responsibility, time and motivation to make the best of every situation.

Babies and toddlers are hard work, teenagers are harder!

Only you can make a decision, its your body and your life that will be changed forever.

I don't want the same for my 16 year old but I don't regret my choice either. Good luck

This in empowering! I love when women support women regardless of their age ! 🙏🙏

I had a baby at 19 - I too felt that I couldn't cope with the thought of an abortion. He's now nearly the age I was when I had him and of course I wouldn't rewind time or change anything about him, and it goes without saying that I love him more than life itself. But I feel terribly, terribly guilty about the start I gave him. I tried my absolute best, but when I compare his early years to the early years of the children I had later in my 20s, there is no getting around it: he was at a significant disadvantage.

I also still, to this day, live with the financial impacts of having a baby so young. I'm reasonably intelligent, I had bright prospects, and they all fell apart when I had a baby young. Becoming a young parent set me back 10 years on where I could have been. Education went out the window - I tried many things but it was harder than I could have ever anticipated to concentrate and apply myself with a young child. It was then very difficult to find a job, any job, that I could fit around the baby - I couldn't have afforded to run a car if I'd have wanted one, so I was dependent on public transport, childcare times, and the fees often meant I'd have been working for virtually nothing. There were a couple of long spells in the early years I had no choice but to rely on benefits.

Although the pregnancy was unplanned, I had an enormously romanticised view of what becoming a parent would be like. Having a child of my own to love. I'd had a very tough upbringing, including abuse, I struggled with my mental health, and I felt that having this baby to love and nurture would mend everything, give me a purpose, a chance to be and do something positive.

In practice, when reality hit, the reality of holding a screaming colicky baby all night every night, having no idea what to do or how to help him, having nowhere to turn because none of my friends had babies, having no hope for the future or idea what I was going to do with my life, my mental health nosedived even further and I spent many years extremely depressed. I still struggle now all these years later.

We were ok in the end, but it was a long, hard, gruelling road to get here. I lost my youth and will never get that back, nor all the opportunities I missed. I just pray that my children won't lose theirs in the same way.

If I could press a button and undo it all now, would I? No, of course not. The hardships were worth it - I know that when I look at my beautiful son. But if I could press a button to guarantee that my children will never experience the difficulties I faced, and be able to enjoy their young freedom and approach their future without constantly coming up against barrier after barrier, would I press that?

Absolutely.

Ultimately, whether you decide to go ahead with this pregnancy or not is up to you, not the father. So don't worry about what he thinks, or his family. Listen to your own heart.

While you are young, you're not too young to be a great mum. However, you are also allowed feel conflicted about this decision, especially if you've never wanted kids.

You are still a teen, and at an age where you deserve to be selfish and put yourself first. Wanting more time for your social life, and friendships, travel, and dating life is completely normal as you're only just getting started at life, particularly after lockdown! You don't need a baby for your purpose in life, and you are at an age where you're still figuring out purpose .... That's what late teens and twenties can be all about.

There's no right or wrong answer here. Just don't be afraid to put you first. Not your boyfriend, or your family, not the pregnancy. You.

Mind yourself 

I had an abortion at 17.

I'm now mid 30s, with a child, a fantastic career, lovely home and husband and I do not regret it for a second.

I travelled the world, made great friends, got married, worked hard, and grew up at my own pace.

Listen to your heart but please do not have a baby as a 'purpose' - it won't end up helping you. It's really fucking hard even as a woman in her 30s with her shit together.

I mean no disrespect

Honestly I would abort, and use condoms from now on. Concentrate on your education and setting yourself up. You can always have a baby later on, when you're in a better position.

Very unfair comment...not saying its the ideal age, but my best friend's mum had her at 17 and her brother at 20, she did a fantastic job of raising them, and they are both lovely and successful adults now!

I had my first at 17, not going to lie it was a struggle I was alone and went through a lot but..... he is amazing we grew together, he's in 6th form now and I managed to give him everything he needed. And after all the hardship we now thrive.
I've also later on during the hardship had an abortion due to wanting to focus fully on my first and because it wasn't the right time for a second.
I don't regret either decision and did what was right at the time, whatever happens it may be a harder road but it won't be impossible.

Feel like I could've written this 13 years ago.
Our DD is now 12 & we're 30, happily married and living in a lovely hot country, house, car, nice holidays etc... however life has been incredibly hard for both of us & no doubt our DD too.
I too was at college, had every intention of carrying on the course and going to uni etc, I had to leave the course before I was even 20 weeks pregnant due to antenatal illness, DH had no choice but to take a minimum wage job, we lived with my very supportive parents for a while, but it isn't practical as anything more than a short term solution, tensions run high when the house is crowded & there's a newborn to contend with.
We rented out a shabby damp flat, all my friends had completely disappeared by the time DD was 6 months old. We both ended up in debt, struggled to pay rent, gas, electric council tax... by the time DD was 6, I'd been hospitalised 3 times, due to physical illness but I'm still to this day convinced it was all stress related.
We're incredibly lucky that DH managed to almost magically find this job & work his way up to where we are now, I still wake up in cold sweats after having nightmares that we're still stuck where we was 7 years ago.
DH works away more than he's home, I still have no friends, no qualifications and have only just found my first job since leaving school.
DD is & most likely always will be an only child, she has some SEN & emotional issues that mean even ttc again is out of the question.

I can't say I regret my decision to carry on the pregnancy as I love DD more than anything, but I wish with all my heart that we could somehow turn back the time and offer her a better start than what we could at the time.

If it was DD asking me this same question in 5 years time, then I'd say the same as your mum has, I'd do everything in my power to support her whatever she decided but deep down I'd be praying she sought a termination.