17 weeks and I think I'm losing/lost the baby

[OopsImDoingItAgain]

Had another thread about midwife not finding the heartbeat and how I'm having a scan tomorrow, but I'm having cramps today in my lower back and down my thighs as if I'm about to come on and really sharp pains in my right hand side. I'm convinced I've lost the baby and my body is starting to catch up. I have tried phoning my midwife I don't think she's working today as no answer, I'm too early to go to the ward. What can I do? Or do I have to just sit tight until tomorrow?

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

When our twins were delivered at 19 weeks after their hearts had stopped, I was given a tablet to stop milk production. You absolutely should have been offered this.

In terms of post mortems, we decided to allow them for our twins because we wanted/needed to know why they died if it was at all possible to find out. We were called to the hospital to discuss the results and they had concluded that our babies died due to placental abruption.

We also opted for the funeral offered by the hospital. We were told at that time (January 2019) that we had to have a funeral by law due to the babies' gestation. We were told we could attend if we wanted to but didn't have to. We went, of course, to say a final goodbye to our little ones. With only myself and DP plus my parents there, it felt like not many people cared if I'm honest. I was sad for them and felt they deserved more. We chose the cremation, requesting that the twins be kept together at all times. Their ashes were returned to us a couple of days later and we've chosen to keep them at home.

We also have two Aching Arms bears and have donated bears in loving memory of our three babies (the twins and our son who we lost neonatally). They can be a real comfort at the very saddest of times and it's a really lovely thing to have the option to offer a bear to other bereaved parents. You absolutely do not have to give it to your son unless you want to and feel ready to share your bear! There is no rush to make any decisions now.

As for letting people know of your sad loss, again, there's no rush. It took me several weeks to find the words. I explained that we'd said goodbye to our babies who were now at rest. I didn't give any details. I didn't need to.

I'm thinking of you and your family Look after yourself, you've been through a very traumatic time.

Oh gosh, I'm sorry thats happened to you. I imagine it is quite uncommon, but that sounds awful. It's pain on top of pain 😢

@Squiff70

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

When our twins were delivered at 19 weeks after their hearts had stopped, I was given a tablet to stop milk production. You absolutely should have been offered this.

In terms of post mortems, we decided to allow them for our twins because we wanted/needed to know why they died if it was at all possible to find out. We were called to the hospital to discuss the results and they had concluded that our babies died due to placental abruption.

We also opted for the funeral offered by the hospital. We were told at that time (January 2019) that we had to have a funeral by law due to the babies' gestation. We were told we could attend if we wanted to but didn't have to. We went, of course, to say a final goodbye to our little ones. With only myself and DP plus my parents there, it felt like not many people cared if I'm honest. I was sad for them and felt they deserved more. We chose the cremation, requesting that the twins be kept together at all times. Their ashes were returned to us a couple of days later and we've chosen to keep them at home.

We also have two Aching Arms bears and have donated bears in loving memory of our three babies (the twins and our son who we lost neonatally). They can be a real comfort at the very saddest of times and it's a really lovely thing to have the option to offer a bear to other bereaved parents. You absolutely do not have to give it to your son unless you want to and feel ready to share your bear! There is no rush to make any decisions now.

As for letting people know of your sad loss, again, there's no rush. It took me several weeks to find the words. I explained that we'd said goodbye to our babies who were now at rest. I didn't give any details. I didn't need to.

I'm thinking of you and your family Look after yourself, you've been through a very traumatic time.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so sorry for your losses.

I'm aware this sounds ridiculous and I'm getting nowhere on google I'm just concerned about the milk coming in when the doctors were so adamant it wouldn't. I have barely put the aching arms bear down whenever my son has been in bed. I know it sounds silly as a grown woman but I find my hands always laid on my bump at night, or when I'm just relaxing so hugging the teddy stops me doing that and does make me feel close to my baby in a way. Im just worried this is somehow triggering my milk coming in? Obviously very different to how a baby would I'm just not sure if the comfort im finding in it is causing a surge of hormones or something. Basically im asking if I need to put it away for a few nights until this passes. Sorry if this is really stupid I don't know the exact science behind these things.

I started lactating too when I lost a baby at 16 weeks. It was a complete shock as I had no idea that would happen but someone said that your body just thinks the baby has been born so lactation hormones are triggered.

It's very very upsetting, I know, and of course very painful (emotionally and physically).

It felt like my body was playing the cruellest trick on me.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through

I'm so sorry this happened to you . I'm another mumsnetter here for you x

I'm so sorry OP, for all you are dealing with. I hope you have good support from your DH & family?

My understanding is that milk production is normal following a loss after 16 weeks. Therefore it's nothing you are doing with the aching arms bear.

And you don't sound remotely silly. It's bringing you a little comfort.

Can you talk to your GP for further guidance? 💐

I think the GP might be able to help with medication to stop the lactating. I’m really sorry, it must be so distressing. I would continue with the bear - anything that brings you comfort is a good thing.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the placenta detaching is normally what triggers milk coming in so I presume that has what happened here, resulting the hormones causing lactation, but it must be so distressing. I would call GP/midwife as I'm certain there are medications you can take that can stop the milk, but otherwise the advice to, if you can bear it, just express enough to be comfortable and no more will hopefully mean it goes itself.

Thank you for so many kind comments. The milk is still painful. I'm trying to not touch them at all in fear of my body making more and I've got two bras on it might be overkill but I'm just desperate for it to stop

I just feel so sad today. The age gap was already bigger than I had hoped for between when I finally fell pregnant with this baby. Now it's just going to get bigger and bigger if I'm ever even ready and capable of getting/staying pregnant again. I desperately want my little boy to have a brother or sister. I feel like I've failed him and my body has failed me.

Hi Op.

Unfortunately the milk coming in is normal post partum hormones, I'm shocked you weren't given any medication to stop it.
You can still go to a gp and ask for medication if it's distressing you.
After 1 month the hormones should settle down and lactation should cease (happens naturally if you don't breastfeed).

I have PCOS and I've just read online that it can contribute to miscarriage. Is that what's caused this. I was diagnosed years ago based off an ultrasound, my only symptom was irregular periods, none of the other things. I had a healthy pregnancy since and my periods had been regular since having him. I'm so worried now this means I'm doomed if I try for more babies

Oh OP. You're not doomed. I promise.

It is very early days, and you need time to heal & recover, physically & emotionally

When you are ready, there is every reason to believe you will have a healthy pregnancy & baby.

You may end up with a bigger gap, but eventually, it won't matter at all.

But for now, it's very early days. Step by step, just cope with one moment at a time.
Have you friends / family (as well as your DH) with you?

You did nothing to 'cause' this. In most cases, it's a brutal, tragic thing that happens for no reason. ❤️

@OopsImDoingItAgain

I have PCOS and I've just read online that it can contribute to miscarriage. Is that what's caused this. I was diagnosed years ago based off an ultrasound, my only symptom was irregular periods, none of the other things. I had a healthy pregnancy since and my periods had been regular since having him. I'm so worried now this means I'm doomed if I try for more babies

I have PCOS had one early miscarriage my periods could be months apart. I had three children after that. Please don't take random Google theories seriously.

My DIL had a miscarriage like yours the next pregnancy was twins.

As my lovely doctor said sometimes it just happens for whatever reason the pregnancy isn't viable

I have also had a PCOS diagnosis (also diagnosed via ultrasound). I had 3 children before my diagnosis and then fell pregnant with my Angel son the month after being diagnosed. After losing my son I fell pregnant again (at age 40) with my twins, they are now almost 4 months old.

Don’t count yourself out and you are not doomed, not at all.

For the last 4 days I've had burning when I go to the toilet, cloudy urine and itchiness/discomfort in general down there. I've been ignoring it hoping it would go away as I just can't handle more poking and prodding at the least, if anything has been left behind it'll be surgical removal at the worst which would just break my heart if I went through everything that day just to end up having the surgery anyway. I can't keep ignoring it as it's getting worse. Has anyone had this? Did you find a way to fix it at home? I don't know whether to just try thrush medication? I just can't bare to have to go back to the hospital and go through even more.

@OopsImDoingItAgain

For the last 4 days I've had burning when I go to the toilet, cloudy urine and itchiness/discomfort in general down there. I've been ignoring it hoping it would go away as I just can't handle more poking and prodding at the least, if anything has been left behind it'll be surgical removal at the worst which would just break my heart if I went through everything that day just to end up having the surgery anyway. I can't keep ignoring it as it's getting worse. Has anyone had this? Did you find a way to fix it at home? I don't know whether to just try thrush medication? I just can't bare to have to go back to the hospital and go through even more.

Hi @OopsImDoingItAgain that sounds like a UTI. Try to get an appt with your GP asap!

@OopsImDoingItAgain that is a UTI! Please ring GP and get an urgent appt today for some antibiotics.

Hi sorry to ask for more advice I got treatment for the UTI and that seems to be getting better

I've had minimal to no bleeding the last couple of days and haven't had to wear a pad, if any tiny amount of blood was light brown. Today I have very strong period cramps and period ache feeling in lower back/top of thighs and heavier strong red bleeding again

Is this normal is recovery for medical management not linear as such and it can become painful again 10+ days on, is it concern that I should phone gp about or is it possibly just my period back. I don't know what to do and when to phone the gp I just don't know what's normal at all

OP I would phone and ask - do you still have a midwife contact? Or an HV? If not then yes, GP or NHS 24. I think you should have been given more information and support, I'm sorry. Hope you are okay. x

'Bleeding can continue for up to three weeks after the treatment and women may require follow up to monitor their progress.'

www.hey.nhs.uk/patient-leaflet/medical-management-miscarriage/

Thank you yes I found sources saying bleeding is normal up to 2/3 weeks and should gradually decrease which is what was happening until today. It's the sudden heavier bleeding and period cramps I'm worried not sure when to panic about. I will ring the GP. I do feel very unsupported discharged from midwives, the hospital said they'd stay in touch in the few days after discharge to make sure everything is ok and never heard a thing

I'm so sorry. Do ring and ask if there's anything you're not sure about, that's what they're there for.

Im really sorry OP, this brings back memories and actually brought tears to my eyes. I lost a baby at 20 weeks just before my scan. It died at 18 weeks 4 days. The day before I just knew something was wrong and woke up to contractions, blood soaked bed and in full on labour in the middle of the night. I hope that with time it gets easier for you as it did with me. Wishing you all the best.

Had a phone call with GP who said that if the pain is managed by painkillers and I'm not soaking through multiple pads a day then nothing to panic about and said it just sounds like my period is back.