17 weeks and I think I'm losing/lost the baby

[OopsImDoingItAgain]

Had another thread about midwife not finding the heartbeat and how I'm having a scan tomorrow, but I'm having cramps today in my lower back and down my thighs as if I'm about to come on and really sharp pains in my right hand side. I'm convinced I've lost the baby and my body is starting to catch up. I have tried phoning my midwife I don't think she's working today as no answer, I'm too early to go to the ward. What can I do? Or do I have to just sit tight until tomorrow?

Oh OP I’m so sorry that you had so much pain physically and the pain you are going through emotionally :(

I hope you are getting plenty of support, which I’m sure you are.

We are all thinking of you! I haven’t stopped refreshing this thread!

I decided to have a post mortem, like you I needed to know if it could happen again. Unfortunately no reason was found for why I miscarried. Sometimes they just don't know

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience that sounds very distressing for you. Hope you can get home to heal and rest up.

I had a second trimester miscarriage and we decided on a post mortem, and I’m glad we did. It was able to rule certain things out which I found helpful to some extent. We also found out the baby’s sex which meant I could give him a name (in my head) which helped a bit.

The post mortem didn’t find the exact cause of the miscarriage - but I think the doctors said that’s quite common and for a fair amount of miscarriages there is no obvious cause, it really is just a horrible shitty thing that sometimes happens.

My thoughts really go out to you OP. Similar to you my baby died around 13 weeks but I didn’t miscarry until a few weeks later. It messes with your head to think that all those weeks you were going about your life thinking you were pregnant, having conversations about the baby, planning baby clothes etc, and the baby had already passed.

It’s so tough physically as well! Make sure you take as much time as you need/can to recover

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
When this happened for me, they sent off some of the placental tissue for testing and we could still have the cremation. I'm really sorry this has happened. Xx

So sorry. You are so strong.

I had a post mortem on my little one. We wanted to know if it was something genetic and if not we would try again. We were able to get answers and baby was perfect, just very unlucky as the cord was too tight. We were told it was one in a million chance also I had myself convinced of the gender and baby was the opposite gender so was glad to have closure there too. Walking out of the hospital the day after delivery was the hardest walk of my life and I've had some tough times

I was glad to have the time to come to terms with it all between leaving hospital and being ready for burial which was 11 days so had time to plan all which really helped. Thinking of you and I can say I know what you are going through rip little one

So sorry op, thinking of you

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this. I was really hoping for a happier outcome for you. Sending love to you and your family at this awful time x

I'm so sorry for you and your husband, I have been thinking of you all day, sending hugs 🤗 and lots of love. X

I decided against a post mortem for my little boy, the midwives explained that it’s common to not get any definitive answers and so I opted to have histology done on just the cord and placenta instead. The histology results didn’t give any answers, though one of the midwives who looked after me inspected the cord and said it was a 2 vessel cord (should be 3) and that it could be a reason for the loss although plenty of pregnancies go to term with this issue so just unlucky for us.

I also decided on cremation too as I wanted my babies ashes back home with me and they now sit on his memory box with his aching arms bear. If there is anything you would like baby to be cremated with anything (a hat/blanket/letter from you/teddy etc) let your midwife know as they can arrange this for you. My boy went with a blanket that I had made for him and a little teddy and I have a matching teddy at home that I keep with his candle.

I found leaving the hospital really really hard, I was so desperate to go home and see my kids and to be in my own bed but walking out of that room and out of the hospital with empty arms broke my heart into a million pieces. Hold your husband tight and just know that it’s ok to not be ok!

I’m so so very sorry for your loss 💕

Been thinking about you all evening OP. Sending lots of love. I’m so sorry.

Oh, my dear. I'm so sorry. Just offering a gentle hug.

Thank you for advice and experiences truly I'm so sorry for anyone else going through this

I've been desperate to get home to my toddler but the bleeding is too heavy and my blood pressure too low for discharge so another night here. To be honest I'm happy it happened here. I would of hated to go through that in my own bed it would of been a constant reminder.

Can I ask again has anyone had to share this kind of thing with a toddler how did you do it. He's been talking about the baby a lot. I don't know if I need to somehow explain or if you can at this age (very nearly 3) just stop mentioning it and see if he just forgets? Is that really bad? I don't want to fuck him up

I'm so sorry, love.

I’m so sorry for your loss, I know how heartbreaking it is..I had a similar experience and had baby about 15 weeks, we decided to go for post mortem but didn’t really give us any closure..my boys were 2 and 3 at the time and 3 year old knew there was a baby in mummy’s tummy…after it happened when my 3 year old said about baby..I said that baby needed to go to a special place and pointed to a star in the sky xx if you need to chat give me a pm, sending hugs xx

My youngest was 3 at the time and I just said that baby Alexander is in the sky now with Grandma and Grandpa and she understood that. She also knows the aching arms bear and the tiny matching teddy are his bears and she calls them Alexander bears and gives them a kiss and a cuddle whenever she feels like it. Being so young she didn’t really grasp the weight or the sadness of it (something I’m glad about) and she just easily accepted my explanation of baby Alexander being in the sky. I’ll tell her more when she’s older, if she asks and if she wants to know but for now what she knows is enough for her and it’s enough for me too.

Sorry for your loss, I promise you it will get better with time. Ds was 6 when I lost his little sister, I just explained to him that babies had to be perfect & that sometimes if a baby wasn't perfect that it meant that the baby couldn't be born at the right time for them to grow big & strong. He told me that Rosie had gone to live on the brightest star in the sky where his nan's dog & his hamster lived (it's actually jupiter) & every night before he went to sleep he used to say good night to them all in the sky. He is 18 now & Rosie would be 12 next month, we still talk about her. I lost her around 17 weeks the same as your little one, we light a candle on what would have been her due date, her daddy is there now to help look after all the animals that are there with them now.

I'm so sorry OP, I have tears in my eyes. I hope your husband and your little one help you carry on.

I'm also sorry for everyone on here who has gone through similar losses.
My heart aches for you. X wishing I could take the pain away.

It just felt so much like labour and giving birth. All my muscles ache. The bleeding. It's not labour though is it? It's not a stillbirth it just feels like miscarriage isn't enough to sum up what happened at all

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's heartbreaking and right now there's nothing anyone can say that'll make it any easier. Our little boy was stillborn at 33 weeks and we had to tell our little girl who was 2 and a half at the time that her baby brother wasn't coming home. The bereavement team at the hospital were extremely helpful with this, I'm not sure if you have access to one where you are but they advised us to be as straightforward and direct as possible. We were told to avoid phrases like 'gone to sleep' or 'lost or talking about them being ill so that they didn't think they were coming back and to avoid them being scared of going to sleep or being ill themselves. Thinking of you and your family

@OopsImDoingItAgain

It just felt so much like labour and giving birth. All my muscles ache. The bleeding. It's not labour though is it? It's not a stillbirth it just feels like miscarriage isn't enough to sum up what happened at all

It is like labour, really. 😔

You have gone through all the same steps as you would in labour - cervix opening, dilating, delivering - just at an earlier gestation.

As well as the horrendous emotional cost, you have a physical recovery to deal with too.

Thank you and I'm sorry for your loss. I've not seen any bereavement team or been given any advice on what's happened or moving forward from it. I had a quick debrief from a doctor saying it looks like it was successful and I passed a complete miscarriage and they are sorry for what happened.

I appreciate the baby was very small having passed weeks earlier but in my head this was a baby I had carried for nearly half of a pregnancy and was real to me and I feel this sort of disconnect between what I feel has happened and what the doctors say it as. They all vanished after I passed the baby and came back later on in the evening with all these forms about post mortems and burials/cremations. Where does someone come and actually address the bereavement or is that only for still births? I totally understand that this isn't classed as one, but to carry a baby for four months, have 5 hours of painful active labour type contractions and have to pass that baby and decide on a cremation it feels like so much more than a miscarriage and I don't feel the support lines up to the experience. So many sad looks and "it's just one of those things" comments from doctors and nurses. And not much more

I'm sorry, that must be so hard because in your head it was 17 weeks, of course. And I think the longer it is the harder it gets. There isn't any bereavement support, sorry to say. I opted for cremation and in the hospital memorial garden with the rest of the babies. Take some time off from work, that's the least you can do

I'm so sorry op. You are extremely brave and a very loving and caring mum ❤️