17 weeks and I think I'm losing/lost the baby

[OopsImDoingItAgain]

Had another thread about midwife not finding the heartbeat and how I'm having a scan tomorrow, but I'm having cramps today in my lower back and down my thighs as if I'm about to come on and really sharp pains in my right hand side. I'm convinced I've lost the baby and my body is starting to catch up. I have tried phoning my midwife I don't think she's working today as no answer, I'm too early to go to the ward. What can I do? Or do I have to just sit tight until tomorrow?

Op, prehaps if you want to address the bereavement, you could try a bereavement counsellor? Maybe you would benefit from that more than the support lines. I'm also deeply sorry that you miscarried. I've never had one before, so I've no idea what it's like but after reading about your experience, it sounds very traumatic and I don't know how I'd cope either. Take it easy, rest. Sending you lots of love x

I just sort of wanted someone with knowledge and experience of bereavement from the hospital to give some guidance on how to approach the situation with my son really. It was traumatic but I know time will heal, I just really want to handle it right with him and not take his innocence about the world away from him when he's still so little. I know I can google but I just wanted a face to face conversation to ask some questions. I slept on it and have decided to go ahead with a post mortem so we are just waiting to do the forms and then we're leaving. I just want to get out this room now. I had to ask them to please just wipe the bathroom down as it was a bit of a blood bath and I couldn't bare to have to do it myself but every time I went in there in the night and early this morning it just broke me.

So sorry for your loss OP. I think tommys have a number you can call if you want to speak to someone
www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support/miscarriage-information-and-support/support-after-miscarriage

Our baby was stillborn, we told her brother that she was in the stars (we arnt religious) so that he could understand she wouldn’t be coming home anymore, helping connect her with a place helped him more on quickly from it, he didn’t find it upsetting as they are so robust at that age. We also got an aching arms bear (parents dedicate a bear in memory of their baby, and you can apply to have one sent to you) which could be something you or your son find comforting. But it’s also absolutely ok if you don’t, there’s no right or wrong.

If you are working take plenty of time off to grieve and recover, it’s a huge deal loosing a baby, don’t feel you have to rush back to normality if it’s not what you want

Can you ask if they have a bereavement midwife? Most hospitals do and I found it useful being able to text or phone mine with questions after

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP. I had a little cry this morning for you reading your last few posts. You're right, a second trimester miscarriage is very different to a first trimester miscarriage and it feels extremely cruel that it's not treated differently in terms of support. (And the support available isn't sufficent for first trimester miscarriages either, in my opinion, having had one of those myself.) Do try to find out from your hospital what is available (a PP has mentioned a hospital memorial garden; my hospital had a bereavement book you could write in to honour the memory of your baby). I think the idea of having something physical in the world in memoriam is something many people find comforting - is there somewhere you could plant a tree, perhaps?

I wonder if the baby loss charity Tommy's has any advice on how to talk to your 3 year old about the loss. I tend to think it's best to be honest with children on an age-appropriate level. @July17January20 gave good advice on this (I'm so sorry for your loss, too, July). Also, if you tell her then it will reduce the chance of her asking questions and potentially upsetting you later when you're not expecting it.

Wishing you all the best.

OP I'm so so sorry for what you are going through. It is a massive emotional and physical shock to your system. I can't believe there isn't more bereavement support at the hospital for you, that is absolutely terrible. Have you looked at SANDS? Their website has some great resources that you can read that can help with your other DC. Please look after yourself, take time off work and reach out for support via your GP if you need to.

www.sands.org.uk/support/bereavement-support

Some links for organisations that may help you and yoru family deal with loss:

www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/supporting-children-and-young-people/

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/your-feelings/counselling-after-a-miscarriage/

www.childbereavementuk.org/supporting-bereaved-children-and-young-people

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You're right, the bathroom should have been cleaned up and you shouldn't have had to do it. Seemingly small things (to hospital staff) like that are probably going to be hardest for you to deal with. At least once you're home there won't be any physical reminders as it happened in the hospital.
As another poster said maybe there's a bereavement midwife who can help and advise? I think hospitals/ doctors treat people as situations rather than people a lot of the time, if that makes sense, so instead of seeing you and your baby as a 17 week baby you'd carried for that time they saw a number of weeks that was smaller and treated you like that. I hope that makes sense and I hope that once you get back to the comfort of your home and family you can start to recover. xx

I am so so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. Thinking of you and sending love x

Sorry that the bathroom was left that way, they should have helped you with that. I think the post mortem was a good idea. In terms of your son, I am not a specialist, but I do know that my friend was told to be very straight with her son when his father died. You just have to tell the truth I think? Children do deal very differently with death, I know that must be so very hard for you.

OP, I'm so sorry.
This is just awful.

The baby was sick in your tummy and has died (and gone to heaven...if you wish).

Just no mention of sleep as that can cause huge problems if children associate going to sleep with death.

The plain simple facts in very simple language is best with kids.

They tend to be accepting.
Decide if you would like to name your baby, as some people find that helpful.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I delivered my daughter at 16 weeks and it was nearly as painful as my full term labour (aside from the crowning), no doubt about it. And without the excitement of getting to meet your baby it is labour, you don't need to minimise it. Just to a smaller baby  They should have offered you better pain management.

We also created a memory box which had her footprints in, scan photos, and some bits from the hospital. Perhaps something like that would be helpful for your toddler - I like @billy1966 's phrasing, but it may be nice for them to have something to come and look through when they're feeling sad about the baby.

Sending lots of love.

The baby was sick in your tummy and has died (and gone to heaven...if you wish).

This is what my sister said to her 4yo. That baby was poorly inside her tummy and because they weren't ready to be born yet the doctor couldn't help. The last part about baby not ready to be born and that's why they couldn't be helped was important. because she didn't want my niece to think that if she got ill the doctor wouldn't be able to help her.

Also agree with not mentioning going to sleep as I remember when my baby cousin died when I was small, my gran told me she'd gone to sleep and hadn't woken up again and it caused me to be quite anxious about sleep!

OP I'm so, so sorry you've had to go through this. My miscarriage was at 12 weeks and happened at home, it was a pretty bleak time for me but I found some solace in the cuddles of my toddler, and went on to have 2 successful pregnancies.

I wish you only good things for the future

I completely get what you were saying about the dr's treating you like you had an early miscarriage. I felt the same when I miscarried at 13+2 when the baby had died at 9 weeks. It didn't feel early to me. Just thought I would mention that my milk came in after my 2nd trimester loss, just in case nobody has told you that.

With the bereavement side of things the hospital chaplain was amazing with us. She had had a miscarriage herself as well. We opted for hospital burial and it was absolutely beautiful. One of the crematorium staff carried the tiny shoebox sized coffin with the same reverence as they would have done with an adult. Our baby shared a coffin with all the other miscarried babies born that month so the plate thing was engraved with the month and the year and there is a wooden post thing with the month and year engraved on it too so we can see where our little one is buried.

@elliejjtiny yes, that too...I wore a very very tight sports bra for a few days to try to deter my milk supply but it was quite painful and just another punch to the gut.

So sorry for you and your darling little baby.

Sending lots of love to you all XxX

You are so right about the lack of bereavement help after a second trimester mc. I had no idea until it happened that it would, in effect, be labour, with contractions. I had no idea that my milk would come in. I held a friend's newborn a few days later and had the milk let down. I was spaced out for days as my body adjusted to no longer being pregnant. It took me about six months to get back to any sort of normal, but it's only a mc and we should carry on as normal, according to the gynaecologist. I didn't have a pm because I knew the cause. I was pregnant with a coil in situ and it cut off the blood supply to the cord. I had no problems with my next and last pregnancy. I hope that you get through these next difficult weeks and can heal as much as you can. I still think of my daughter a lot and it's been many years now.

I agree with the comments that hospitals, midwives etc don’t really seem set up to deal specifically with second trimester miscarriages. They seem to fall into a weird no man’s land between (relatively common) first trimester miscarriages and (thankfully less common) third trimester/24 weeks plus stillbirths.

And reflecting back I think when I miscarried at 16 weeks there was a mismatch between how I felt both mentally and physically, and the fact I was sometimes being treated like someone who’d lost a baby in the first few weeks of pregnancy. It felt like there was no ‘template’ for dealing with patients with second trimester loss.

Of course losing a baby at any stage is awful, but I think people often have the mindset that once you’ve had a successful 12 week scan everything is going to be okay. And so when that turns out not to be the case there’s massive shock on top of the sadness, trauma etc.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through. Sending love to you and your family xx

I was just scrolling on my phone on the drive home and obviously feeling all sorts about this but still managed to stop at a listing of a travel system on marketplace and thinking that would be good before remembering I'm not pregnant anymore. There was one moment when we got home and toddler did something funny and we both laughed and I just put my hand on my belly without thinking and it's just horrible. How can I go through all of that and still think I'm pregnant in those small unconscious moments

Grief is a process, it takes time. Hope you are able to get some rest and time to recover, OP.

I read when I was grieving - grief is like a bouncy ball inside a glass case, and it keeps hitting a red button. At first the bouncy ball (grief) is huge so it's constantly hitting the button (pain/emotions) and it feels relentless. Over time, the bouncy ball gets smaller so it still hits the buzzer and feels just as painful when it does, but it doesn't hit the button as often. It's a process and it takes time. I probably explained that a bit clunky but you get the idea. I think of my daughter now and feel sad, but it's not the oh-my-god-I'm-going-to-die-of-sadness grief that it was at first. Be kind to yourself.

@OopsImDoingItAgain I'm sorry you are going through this.

I look back at those dark moments sometimes in the hospital. I had a medical management and it was 2.30am I was all alone in a dark room because I darent switch the light on. I felt the fetus pass and a lovely nurse came and took it away. I still say fetus because it's my way of coping 🤦‍♀️
It was a blurry whirl, but my first kept me going, making me laugh etc. The journey was hard, I had several miscarriages and then a loss at 13.5 weeks. But I now have the family I always wanted.

Yes the thought of going through it right now is shit scary and you won't want to contemplate any of that. It was only when I had my second that I was well and truly healed though.

My journey was so tough to get here and I'm sure many have tougher ones. But I'm so happy with my beautiful children now.

We've told the important people directly. But what do you do if you announced the pregnancy on social media? I only put a little picture up of our son holding the scan but it feels so wrong to of shared that and then just never address it again like it didn't happen. I'm not one to share anything gushy. I just wish this had all happened before I put that picture up. I really thought we were safe

I don't want to never be pregnant again but I also can't bare the thought of going through pregnancy again. I really suffer with sickness and the first few months are just brutal for me. It lasted until 25 weeks with my first and was really bad with this one too from 9 weeks but had basically gone by 14 weeks. I thought I was lucky that it hadn't lasted as long. Little did I know what it really meant

Oh, OP. Right now you are probably in shock, physically and emotionally. You just have to take each hour at a time. Be extra gentle with yourself.

You don't have to do anything for the moment. Basic care - eating and drinking, sleeping, resting. That's it for the moment.