Boyfriend went and got drunk in my early labour

[ddolly123]

Hi

My waters broke at 32 weeks because of pprom. I have been in hell since. I'm nearly 35 weeks.

I have been contracting every day since and I'm in early labour however I'm not dilating. I've been in hospital in and out this whole time and being closely monitored. They decided they wanted me to push through the pain and contractions to give her a better chance starting off. Today it's been two weeks since I've been in early labour

My boyfriend has been great so dad always there for me and very hands on. However tonight he went for dinner. I was pleased he was getting out.

I did tell him all day though the pains are getting unbearable I was crying on the phone and I was begging him for help. I didn't tell him not to go to dinner I still didn't mind but I did say I think I might have to go to hospital.

Fast forward he has got so drunk he can't even walk. He can't speak he has no idea what's going on. He drunk dialled me when he was with his friend slagging me off and saying hope they give her morphine to fucking shut her up up.

I've never ever seen this side of him and im heartbroken. My friend came with me as I couldn't walk through the contractions and he did turn up with his friend but he was so drunk she had to turn him away. He apparently looked relieved.

Its 5am now and my friend had to go home and I have been told I'm showing signs of infection and I may have to deliver early via emergency c section.

I've tried calling and calling him but I can't get through. I've begged and pleaded for him to pick up but he was so drunk I can only assume he is dead out. He certainly won't be able to drive or look after me in the next few hours.

I am so scared to deliver my child alone if I have too, it's been such a scary two weeks and I can't believe he's done this.

I don't know how to get through these next two hours alone so I'm just reaching out to anyone who's awake. Also do I have a right to be mad? The doctor has said we have to be on standby until our original c section (8th feb) is here because of risk infection, my ongoing pain and stress to the baby. His friend said it's not fair on him to have to be on call for the last two weeks.

I didn't mind him going out but he's so paralytic he doesn't really know or care what's going on

Sorry my head is everywhere

@Loki01

Hmmmm...

I am gonna get yelled at for this but you tell him to go out, then you call him crying on the phone but still say its not that bad. If its not that bad why are you calling him? I can see why he has had enough of the drama...

I said go out for dinner with a pal which I wanted him to do, he has been going through this scary time- I didn't then expect him to get so paralytic I can't walk. I am in early labour so I think I'm allowed to be annoyed when he then puts himself in a situation where he can't be there for his baby.

But thank you everyone for the support I do really appreciate it, I feel like I have an army of angry protective woman behind me haha

I've been in an abusive relationship before, so I do know all the signs and I know what to watch out for. Again, I promise you- normally we are great, he is great and very considerate. Like I said before, this is 10000% out of character.

I also was extremely vulnerable when I typed this, I've been in labour for two weeks I'm barely eating and I'm barely sleeping. I was at the point that I didn't know what was right and wrong.

Baby is still holding on, im officially a human incubator! I was sent home with more meds and just to look for usual signs of infection etc and managed to sleep around 4 hours last night- thats a lot for me!

Update on him though, he is starting to show signs of normality again and has gone into complete panic and regret moment. Ive gone the other way and decided all hospital appointments I would rather someone else be there, any temperature spikes and I need to go in I said I don't need to update him and I've got a support circle around me who can help. Unless of course it's dangerous- and if he has decided to stupidly drink again and can't make it- not my problem.

We are usually a team, we are a unit and I've been shocked by his betrayal so therefore no longer want to rely on him or feel vulnerable. It's a shame as we really are the best of friends normally.

However, I'm feeling much better today and I've moved into my dads for a bit and I'm managing my pain there and I've said I would like a few days alone too to work on my mental health as it's declining and I want to be happy.

He is panicking, he is feeling awful, he's desperate and its 100% hit him in the face what a stupid fucking bastard he has been.

I've been looking at options for me and my little girl. I have a good job, so I know if we break up I will be completely fine. Please note though, like I said we are 99% time very happy and have got through so many rough times so of course my main goal is too work this out but I have said he's obviously going through something right now if he can put himself in that state at a time like this. I think that's also made him realise a few things. I'm just going to let him think about his actions and behaviour for a few days and I hope he never ever EVER makes a stupid mistake like this again.

In the meantime, any suggestions on games or movies would be amazing. My waters break all the time, I contract all the time and im always in pain so im constantly on bed rest but I know I need to distract myself and not get into this slump!

Thanks for all the support xxxx

@PrincessNutella

OP, I am normally extremely critical of drunken behavior of this sort. And yet although I do not condone what your boyfriend has done, I don't condemn him as much as I normally would. That is because I have lived through a situation like yours. And it was hard for my husband. He didn't get drunk, but he wasn't as lovely and connected as he normally was. He just did not know what to do or how to react. In fact, it turned out, he felt painfully helpless and unable to protect his wife and potential child. He felt guilty about making me pregnant and terrified about the loss of us both. It was extremely excruciating for him in ways he could not voice. He wanted to fix something, and "being supportive" did not feel like enough of a fix, even though it was what I needed. I was frustrated and angry at the time, and he has been an excellent father, but that was a hard time. Still, there is something difficult for a man who cannot help a woman he has made pregnant. Not as difficult as it is for the woman who iS pregnant, though, let me be clear about that, though! I am just telling you this because it is what I learned about his perspective.

I'm trying to remember this too. We've been told multiple times how dangerous this all is and we've had so many low and scary times. I understand he is struggling and we are moving house and he has just started a job. I understand he royally royally fucked up but I'm trying to remember he's human too and he clearly and very stupidly turned to the bottle at the worst possible time!! It's a relief to know that your husband behaved like this though I won't lie.

Sometimes I wonder if I've put too much pressure on him because I'm the one in pain and I expect him to be my rock at the moment. It's extremely testing for any relationship x

@OooohAhhhh

I found it interesting that you said 'we are very happy and barely argue' when that to me actually suggests the opposite, and as a result he will vent to someone else instead of you, as he probably avoids confrontation to keep you happy. People who do this tend to explode as it all catches up with them. I think that's what has happened here, I think he is getting more frustrated than you realise with this whole long drawn out process. Altho it's a shitty thing to do, I don't think this sums him up as a bad person overall. I hope you are ok

Yeah I agree. As much as we make each other really happy, he 10000% avoids confrontation and doesn't like talking, i however talk talk and do more talking.

I'm hoping this experience teaches him to open up more because he's obviously now gone and expressed it in the worst way possible.

X

@timeisnotaline

A good response to ‘you’ve blown it all out of proportion’ is well, I’m really really upset about it but sounds like at least I can tell all our friends and family to vent a little, since I’ve blown it out of proportion they’ll tell me this. Of course, if I haven’t, and my reaction is reasonable, they will actually never look at you the same way again. He knows you haven’t overreacted, watch him backtrack on why you shouldn’t tell people.

Great response

OP,

Well done on going to your dad's and for rounding those up that you CAN rely on.

I think his telling you that you were over reacting is worse than what he actually did.

Gaslighting you at such a time is just awful and says a lot about his character when things get tough.

You would be wise to remember that.

Who know what sort he will be as a partner or father, but the old saying prepare for the worst and hope for the best would be wise.

Thank goodness you are financially ok and have support around, I suspect you are going to need it.

Mind yourself.

@Cleanbedlinen12

No doubt I’ll be flamed for this, but the older I get the more I realise that really good men are in the minority but amazing, strong, resilient women are everywhere. From birth we are gaslighted into believing that we need to be rescued, need to be loved, need to be partnered. The truth is that we are incredibly strong, the fountain of love, and the first and most important partnership of new life.

This is beautiful pp

Screenshoting this! These are the perfect messages I need to get me through this never ending labour!!

@billy1966

OP,

Well done on going to your dad's and for rounding those up that you CAN rely on.

I think his telling you that you were over reacting is worse than what he actually did.

Gaslighting you at such a time is just awful and says a lot about his character when things get tough.

You would be wise to remember that.

Who know what sort he will be as a partner or father, but the old saying prepare for the worst and hope for the best would be wise.

Thank goodness you are financially ok and have support around, I suspect you are going to need it.

Mind yourself.

Exactly my thought pattern really. Of course I am praying this is a stupid blip and he gets therapy and this never happens again. But it's made me realise how emotionally reliant I am on him and I was single for a few years, I've never been like that!

I also have said to him he doesn't pick and choose when he is there for our daughter and right now we BOTH need a break from him whilst he sorts himself out. Of course, any emergency's I will let him know as his daughter is not a weapon. This has however upset him a lot and he seems to be distraught with himself that he can't be there for us. Should of been like that all along though.

But maybe this is a lesson to myself and a wake up call to how reliant I am on him and same with him- I loved that dynamic though and I loved how loyal we are to each other but I have a little girl now and I'm praying this man had a stupid stupid slip up but I am going to start thinking forward about how I can protect myself in certain situations.

I get the impression he was still drunk yesterday, he was 100% gaslighting me and I see through it. I can assure you lady's though if I can get through two weeks of labour, I can deal with this. She's my main priority!

He's been begging and pleading to come over and talk it out, but I've just calmly said not right now I would prefer to focus on labouring.

Thanks for the back up again though, I just needed the strength of other women to tell me in that moment what I know already.

I truly believe he is a good man, I think he's had some ptsd triggers this weekend. I did find out over dinner he was planning his sisters memorial who bless her was in and out of hospital for about five years with cancer the same age as I am right now.. whilst she was pregnant.

and im assuming it was all too much. Normally im more sympathetic but I need him to realise this is NOT the coping mechanism he can have when things get tough when it comes too our baby. Xx

Glad you're feeling a bit better OP.

Did you ask him about this comment? He drunk dialled me when he was with his friend slagging me off and saying hope they give her morphine to fucking shut her up up

Sounds like you’ve found your inner tiger mama - good for you! Keep him at arms length until you are ready and keep all that energy for you and your baby.

OP you sound so much better & I am loving your brisk "hope for the best but plan for the worst" attitude :)

Best of luck @ddolly123

Games: Candy Crush (4 different versions)
Township
Wordle

All can be picked up and put down when you need to.

OP. You sound awesome and the way your confidence has grown over the last few days is seriously impressive. I suspect this is a blip with your partner but hopefully one that will clear the air and let you step forward on a stronger basis.

Your daughter has a great role model to look forward to and I wish you all the best. Btw my twins were born at 34 weeks, and they are awesome x

Definitely recommend Wordle and although you can only play once a day there is Wordle Archive that you can also play.

Don't know what sort of Films you like but some favourites are "All About Eve" and "Now Voyager" starring the wonderful Bette Davis and a film called "Tin Men" with Danny de Vito and Richard Dreyfus with music from Fine Young Cannibals even though the film is set in the sixties, it's a bit quirky and I've never met anyone else who's seen it, but I love it. Another slightly quirky film I'd recommend is "Love, Honour and Obey" with Ray Winstone, Jude Law and Jonny Lee Miller, it has the noisiest sex scene ever and is hilarious.

Oh and if you haven't watched it already, I recommend The Detectorists, series - wonderful, gentle ironic humour, so very soothing. Also "Mum", and "Ghosts" very funny. Course you could always go old skool and re-watch Buffy and the Vampire Slayers, that will keep you entertained for a several months weeks.

Wordle - take one per day

Wordle

I quite like this small collection of online jigsaws from the National Archive Boredom Buster page - the page text suggests it’s no longer updated but the jigsaws are still good to play. You can set the number of pieces to play per image. I like the challenge of 600-700 pieces, enough to play over a couple of days as you please & each piece big enough to drag about on an iPad screen.

Online jigsaw from National Archive

@MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot

OP. You sound awesome and the way your confidence has grown over the last few days is seriously impressive. I suspect this is a blip with your partner but hopefully one that will clear the air and let you step forward on a stronger basis.

Your daughter has a great role model to look forward to and I wish you all the best. Btw my twins were born at 34 weeks, and they are awesome x

Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️

@Olive19741205

Glad you're feeling a bit better OP.

Did you ask him about this comment? He drunk dialled me when he was with his friend slagging me off and saying hope they give her morphine to fucking shut her up up

Today he's festering and wallowing in guilt x

The only reasonable response of his would have been to be absolutely mortified and absolutely apologetic. I'm so worry that he has minimised it and made you feel like you have made a big deal out of nothing.

He needs someone to give him a bloody goo talking to, in the hopes it sinks in. That needs not to be you though.

I hope your stress is over soon, and you will have your baby in your arms.

Oh OP you're doing incredibly. I'm so glad you've got a good support network and are surrounded by people you can rely on!

OP,

Much older woman here.
If you were my daughter, I would be telling you that his upset, festering and wallowing is ALL about HIM.

Why?

Because you stood up to his appalling behaviour and went to your dad's.

I mean it kindly but his statement wishing they would give you morphine to shut you up is just so shocking.

That statement and his gaslighting you is NOT compatible with a kind decent man, no matter what you want to think.

Those were ugly dismissive words towards the woman carrying his child, who is in a lot of pain.

You honestly think a kind, decent man could form those words?

Not a chance.

They are the words of a nasty man.

He may seem lovely but you mark my words, he has a nasty belittling streak and his mask has badly slipped.

He is wallowing and upset because he thought he could treat you like shit and you would accept it.

I have nearly 30 years on you and if my daughter's partner said that to her he would be dead to me and her father.

Mocking you while you are in such pain for weeks, carrying his child?

Words are SO cheap.

Actions are what you judge someone by.

His actions have been to mock and belittle your pain.

His actions have been to gaslight you for not accepting his behaviour and telling him.

He is scum.

You are far too good for him.

HE is NOT good enough for you OR your precious daughter.

maybe he should try this ? before making flippant remarks about your pain.

Game apps to keep you distracted:

Toon Blast
Cookie Jam
Angry Birds
Blockuduko (sort of like a cross between Tetris and a puzzle)
Sudoku (there are loads of free apps)

TV to binge watch:

The West Wing
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Scrubs
I also loved watching gentle old comedies like The Good Life and Porridge whilst feeding a newborn.

Two guys in video, all very well with the induced abdominal spasms, & the ‘ante-natal’ Mothers Day appreciation for what their mothers & their wives went through.

But hey, the guys kept their knickers, trousers & socks on, & no internals? They could have thrown in an enema or pessary driven poo for authenticity.

Hardly cinema verite.

Just bear in mind that he's probably feeling very worried that people are going to ask him questions about where you are and what's going on........ he's not going to want to admit that he's been a complete dick and you've had enough of it.

Be very careful of his "remorse" because it may only just be for himself and not you. Glad you're doing better. Your baby will be worth every moment of this

I'm rather into the app game 'lily' s garden right now' and of course classic pc games like sims 4.

As for TV depends what you're into. When I'm in pain or feeling down I like a gentle but still engaging show like my little pony friendship is magic. Surprisingly accessible even for adults with lots of layers you can pick up on and I know there's nothing too depressing there. Lots of clever humor and references (one of my fav eps sounds of silence includes a hilarious reference to phantom of the opera for example).

Star trek next gen is another series that leaves me feeling upbeat.

So many good movies. I tend to like ones based on books I've enjoyed. The martian (clever survival stuff with a funny guy, but doesn't get too dire). A monster calls (tearjerker, but it and the book are just so darned beautiful). Watched the first season of The passage which was good, but just as dark and horror filled as the books. Plus they made a series for 'the golden compass' again as dark and scary as the book but eps I saw did a good job.

Horror movies: pan's labyrinth and other movies by the same guy.

Or easier stuff: Disney and pixar are usually good to scroll through. I liked the new movie 'Encanto.'