Boyfriend went and got drunk in my early labour

[ddolly123]

Hi

My waters broke at 32 weeks because of pprom. I have been in hell since. I'm nearly 35 weeks.

I have been contracting every day since and I'm in early labour however I'm not dilating. I've been in hospital in and out this whole time and being closely monitored. They decided they wanted me to push through the pain and contractions to give her a better chance starting off. Today it's been two weeks since I've been in early labour

My boyfriend has been great so dad always there for me and very hands on. However tonight he went for dinner. I was pleased he was getting out.

I did tell him all day though the pains are getting unbearable I was crying on the phone and I was begging him for help. I didn't tell him not to go to dinner I still didn't mind but I did say I think I might have to go to hospital.

Fast forward he has got so drunk he can't even walk. He can't speak he has no idea what's going on. He drunk dialled me when he was with his friend slagging me off and saying hope they give her morphine to fucking shut her up up.

I've never ever seen this side of him and im heartbroken. My friend came with me as I couldn't walk through the contractions and he did turn up with his friend but he was so drunk she had to turn him away. He apparently looked relieved.

Its 5am now and my friend had to go home and I have been told I'm showing signs of infection and I may have to deliver early via emergency c section.

I've tried calling and calling him but I can't get through. I've begged and pleaded for him to pick up but he was so drunk I can only assume he is dead out. He certainly won't be able to drive or look after me in the next few hours.

I am so scared to deliver my child alone if I have too, it's been such a scary two weeks and I can't believe he's done this.

I don't know how to get through these next two hours alone so I'm just reaching out to anyone who's awake. Also do I have a right to be mad? The doctor has said we have to be on standby until our original c section (8th feb) is here because of risk infection, my ongoing pain and stress to the baby. His friend said it's not fair on him to have to be on call for the last two weeks.

I didn't mind him going out but he's so paralytic he doesn't really know or care what's going on

Sorry my head is everywhere

adamant it's just a mistake and it doesn't matter because I'm only in early labour and not "actual" labour

OP I really trying to be BRIEF here because right now you don't need to consider b/f's feelings AT ALL, & the focus needs to be all on the short term of getting your baby delivered.

But it's difficult because I reckon his whole family operates on the dynamic of excusing his behaviours & making you take the brunt of them.
his family are guilt tripping me saying it's tapped into some grief

Neither he, nor his family, appear to be sparing a moment to consider your grief. Your pain, fear, worry.
When you posted initially about 'I will be called a drama queen', I was concerned that this expectation of name-calling might not be just about him, but also his family members. Certainly his drinking pal would collude in it.
There seems to be a dynamic where you are expected to put up & shut up, & he is enabled.
I am worried that your expectations are so low that you see any reasonable, normal, kindness from him as a big deal.

However ... this is all for another day.
You have no need to make huge decisions right now.
But you do need to keep your guard up.
When you said -
But I still feel confused, I'm still angry and I don't want to be okay with him.

• that was your instinct talking. The part of you that is NOT worn down by constant expectations that you should not have feelings, that you should not express pain, that you should not make your labour a BURDEN TO HIM. You don't have to be okay with that. (Or him.) So - good instinct!! Listen to it. Respect it. Mull over the comments from PP about protecting you & your daughter by ensuring YOU are the parent with agency to make decisions (BC & surname - enough said).

But do all that in your own good time.

You have weeks to think this over, in the spare moments you can snatch between birthing & marvelling over your new little girl! :)
I hope you can get some sleep, & that you keep this thread as a resource just for YOU, not another job to do or a requirement to respond to the opinions of bossy boots PP (me, ha).
And certainly not for the odd PP here & there who came here just for the sneering. They can fuck off. So can anyone in your real life who is not putting YOU & BABY FIRST right now. xx

PS 'trying to be brief' ... Yeah, total fail on that front

He knows full well you could go into full on labour at any time and you told him you were in enough pain to need to go to hospital.

He's minimising because he knows he's fucked up.
He wouldn't be apologising if he didn't think he was in the wrong.

@Mumdiva99

OK....one thing at a time. You are safe. You are in hospital (I think). I know you are scared but it's unlikely anything will happen in the next few hours.

BF needs to sleep it off so he will be use to you in the morning so stop calling him for now.

If he really is a good BF the rest of the team then this was probably a mistake. He has probably been very stressed and worried too these last few weeks and drank a bit too much by mistake. (Maybe friends without kids didn't understand the current seriousness of the situation and egged him on.....come on last time you can do this...type comments.) The slagging off you can deal with when you see him......was he actually slagging you off or just making a bad joke which you understandably didn't find funny.

Please please try to get some rest. You need it. You can deal with him tomorrow. I hope he comes running tail between his legs.

You are bloody joking aren’t you? 😳🤬

I agree with many other posters that this is textbook abusive behavior. He's the "good guy". He's caring, he's thoughtful, he's sensitive, except he's not. His mask slipped and you saw the real him. I suspect once the baby is here, you will see the real him more and more. He's very manipulative and manages to twist situations to make you the bad guy. I know you're going through a lot right now, but be careful. Keep your options open. This isn't your fault. It's him, not you!

He is awful - so sorry you are going through this OP. Try to be strong for you and your daughter - forget about him.

I could possibly get past the drink but what he said was awful and I don't think I could forgive or forget

I'd find it hard to forget what he said about you to his mate, that would definitely make me question the relationship. Don't give the baby his surname, give him yours.

@Loki01

Hmmmm...

I am gonna get yelled at for this but you tell him to go out, then you call him crying on the phone but still say its not that bad. If its not that bad why are you calling him? I can see why he has had enough of the drama...

Not yelled at.

But you really have no clue.

How you have the gall to call it 'drama' I have no idea

been brilliant and by my side every second of the day

OP may I ask a a question? You absolutely do not have to respond to it, but - is this 'every second' phrase literal, or metaphorical?

If it is literal, I am concerned that he does not have a job.
If it is metaphorical, I am concerned about the hyperbole, & whether you are exaggerating how 'brilliant' he is in an attempt to convince yourself of something that may not be true.

Perhaps this is a one-off aberration in b/f's behaviour.
But it seems unlikely, if you are surrounded by people (even just him & his drinking pal is too many) who have persuaded you that your feelings are unimportant, & his behaviour must be enabled, excused, & endured.

I've only read your posts @ddolly123, but I'm sending you a huge hug, through cyberspace.

For what it is worth, here is my experience. My waters went at 26 weeks, with a huge bleed, during the first lockdown. I was blue-lighted to hospital, without DH - due to Covid rules. I then spend the next 8 weeks in early labour, being rushed into hospital with bleeds and reduced movement.

DH did not drink once, in the whole time. He knew that at a moment's notice, he might have to drive me to the hospital (ambulances were in very short supply), or have to hold the fort at home with 3yo DD.

As it was, I got to 34 weeks when I was then induced. DH still wasn't allowed into hospital, until I was in active labour. He made it to our DS's birth with 5 mins to spare.

DH then spent the next fortnight with the sole care of DD, whilst I was in NICU with our DS.

Whilst neither of us are perfect, he stepped up when it was needed.

With our DD, he stopped having a drink 4 weeks before she arrived. Because it was the responsible thing to do.

I wish you and your already beloved daughter, all the very best. You can do this.

[quote Loki01]@ChargingBuck

Sure, let's all ignore how this affects him.

I had my share of shit situations, trust me.[/quote]
He's not the most important person right now.

He needs to remember that,

My heart is literally breaking for you. Does it really matter if he is usually a good boyfriend? It's the times when you really need them, when the chips are down, when life is hard but they are still standing strong beside you... that is the sign of a good man. He has failed you and his child miserably at the first hurdle. Stay strong, focus on what's important right now and deal with the pathetic literally weasle later. You've got this!!! X

@seasonalsnowflake

Random aside but is he definitely drunk? Could he have been spiked? Big increase i spiking cases where I am. It's just you say he can't walk, can't speak and has no idea what is going on, which tallies with spiking.

He wouldn't have been spiked it he wasn't already drinking

And I'm probably gonna be accused of victim blaming but he's not the victim here

[quote Loki01]@ChargingBuck

Sure, let's all ignore how this affects him.

I had my share of shit situations, trust me.[/quote]
If it affects him, he can call in his support crew.

As he's not posting here, but his g/f is, I'm gonna focus on her, & what's happening to her.

Your share of shit situations, or mine, or anyone else's, are totally irrelevant to how OP chooses to manage hers.

@ChargingBuck

YOU said this:
Could you, & your vibe, keep your unfortunate remarks to yourself while you have a think about how YOU might endure 2 weeks of excruciating pain & anxiety, @Loki01?

I dont need to think about it.

As I said, I am not saying that what did he did was all right. No, it wasn't. But to suggest that she doesn't put him on BC etc is a bit over the top and typical of MN.

@Nanny0gg

He's not the most important person right now.

He needs to remember that,

That is true.

It just doesn't make any sense to me, the original post.

So he is gaslighting you about your hospiral experience and telling you it was only "early" labour.

He is some piece of work.

I hope you have people to support you because if this is such a HUGE turn around for him, it looks like you may have been loved bombed.

I don't believe for a second a good man would go off on the piss at theis time.

A selfish twat who's mask is slipping would and then come and gas light you about it.

Do NOT give this baby his name.
You will regret it.

@ddolly123
What a vile comment re morphine.
Men can act strangely with pregnancy- he was selfish to get so drunk at a time like this.
Hope all goes well, and that he enjoys his hangover.

@TigerLilyTail - your post at 14:00 - are you reckoning Lundy Bancroft's "Mr Sensitive" here?
Not gonna bang on about it as it's too much, too soon, & OP is in no condition to be taking on a load more info.
Nor does she need to pay any attention to the links, but in the medium term, if she wants to have another resource to read up on, here they are -
www.goodreads.com/quotes/1218687-the-central-attitudes-driving-mr-sensitive-are-i-m-against-the
He may not be using the psychobabble (may not be academic variety of Mr S.), but he is using the classic tactic of "I have the right to tell you what your feelings ought to be, & you have no right to question mine, which are valid & important."

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

You're telling him it's okay to treat you this way if you're already questioning yourself.

He is in the wrong here. Entirely. He should have been with you. Not slagging you off.

If you let this go and don't truly address it, you're letting him know he can do it again.

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I know you are saying he has been supportive previously, but I'm afraid last night shows that when you really, really need him, he is capable of letting you (and his unborn child) down and quite dramatically, too.

Please concentrate on putting yourself and the baby first from here on.

I'm very sorry this happened to you.

Right now you are exhausted, emotional, vulnerable, stressed and in pain. You need to put any energy you have into looking after you and the baby and trying to make sure you are both as comfortable and relaxed as possible.

Everything you do at the moment, should be about you and the baby and what's best for you. Your friend sounds very support, you mum and dad and maybe even your partner's mother plus all the medical staff can support and help you.

Park him for the moment. You don't have to make any decisions now. He has behaved unbelievably badly and is on the defensive but right now that's his problem, you have enough to be dealing with and he should not be your priority.

Try get some sleep, that alone will help you a lot. Best of luck over the next few weeks, you don't have long to go before the little one arrives and the love and protection you feel for her will help you made the right decisions on everything else.

Oh he’s minimising it and gaslighting you. What a fucking surprise.

I hate so many men I read about on here. Hate them.

@deeplyrooted

Birth is a time to reach deep into your feminine heritage. It’s only relatively recently that men have been allowed into this space, and you absolutely don’t need him there (wanting a supportive partner is entirely understandable but don’t confuse need and want, or trick yourself into seeing him as something he cannot be).

It’s time to turn inward, focus on yourself and your baby, and know that you have, in yourself, everything you need for the journey you are on.

I can promise you that you will shortly look back, and be astonished that you could ever entertain thoughts like drama queen or burden

No doubt I’ll be flamed for this, but the older I get the more I realise that really good men are in the minority but amazing, strong, resilient women are everywhere. From birth we are gaslighted into believing that we need to be rescued, need to be loved, need to be partnered. The truth is that we are incredibly strong, the fountain of love, and the first and most important partnership of new life.

You are surrounded by clever doctors and midwives. You don’t need to fight. You don’t need to make any big decisions at the moment.

He will come home, be contrite and maybe you’ll go on together for another while and if that’s how it is, that’s ok too.

Sometimes I wish that these amazing groups of women that gather in cyber space could swoop in when we send up our distress flares and rescue each other in real life. But even writing that I realise that we are all around already - from the obvious groups like womens aid, to all those who send donations and care packages, to the midwives and health visitors keeping an eye out. You’re not alone. The trick is to learn to see past the carefully constructed illusion of romantic love that convinces us we are alone if we are unpartnered and have the courage to insist on better.

Sending you and your baby blessings

This is probably the most empowering thing I have read in a very long time. Do it OP.

OP he was a twat but before reading all of the replies telling you he’s abusive, don’t put him on the BC etc remember there was a thread on here around NYE of a women TTC and thinking she was pregnant but she wanted to go out drinking and posters were encouraging her to drink, knowing alcohol reduces fertility and increases the risk of miscarriage.

So read the replies but remember that MN isn’t RL and many responses will be very biased.

He could have made a stupid mistake and learnt from or it could be a sign of things to come.
I hope everything goes well for the future