Boyfriend went and got drunk in my early labour

[ddolly123]

Hi

My waters broke at 32 weeks because of pprom. I have been in hell since. I'm nearly 35 weeks.

I have been contracting every day since and I'm in early labour however I'm not dilating. I've been in hospital in and out this whole time and being closely monitored. They decided they wanted me to push through the pain and contractions to give her a better chance starting off. Today it's been two weeks since I've been in early labour

My boyfriend has been great so dad always there for me and very hands on. However tonight he went for dinner. I was pleased he was getting out.

I did tell him all day though the pains are getting unbearable I was crying on the phone and I was begging him for help. I didn't tell him not to go to dinner I still didn't mind but I did say I think I might have to go to hospital.

Fast forward he has got so drunk he can't even walk. He can't speak he has no idea what's going on. He drunk dialled me when he was with his friend slagging me off and saying hope they give her morphine to fucking shut her up up.

I've never ever seen this side of him and im heartbroken. My friend came with me as I couldn't walk through the contractions and he did turn up with his friend but he was so drunk she had to turn him away. He apparently looked relieved.

Its 5am now and my friend had to go home and I have been told I'm showing signs of infection and I may have to deliver early via emergency c section.

I've tried calling and calling him but I can't get through. I've begged and pleaded for him to pick up but he was so drunk I can only assume he is dead out. He certainly won't be able to drive or look after me in the next few hours.

I am so scared to deliver my child alone if I have too, it's been such a scary two weeks and I can't believe he's done this.

I don't know how to get through these next two hours alone so I'm just reaching out to anyone who's awake. Also do I have a right to be mad? The doctor has said we have to be on standby until our original c section (8th feb) is here because of risk infection, my ongoing pain and stress to the baby. His friend said it's not fair on him to have to be on call for the last two weeks.

I didn't mind him going out but he's so paralytic he doesn't really know or care what's going on

Sorry my head is everywhere

@WonderfulYou

Not putting him on the BC is a dick move IMO and all about petty revenge - he's the father and should be recognised as such

I agree.
He acted like a twat but there’s no need to use the baby as a weapon to get one back on him.

If you want to dump him then go ahead - but don’t punish the baby.

You what now, @WonderfulYou?

How is it possible that you are interpreting a responsible parent's opportunity to PROTECT her child from the control over where she can live & travel that a deadbeat parent might decide to exert?

Where are you coming from that you see that mature & reasoned legal decision-making as some kind of petty dramatic gesture?

Birth certificate decisions are about protecting babies, not punishing them.
OP isn't playing games here.
She is managing one of the most difficult & vulnerable times of her life, & you can sod off with your assumption that she would use her own precious child as a weapon.

Hmmmm...

I am gonna get yelled at for this but you tell him to go out, then you call him crying on the phone but still say its not that bad. If its not that bad why are you calling him? I can see why he has had enough of the drama...

Random aside but is he definitely drunk? Could he have been spiked? Big increase i spiking cases where I am. It's just you say he can't walk, can't speak and has no idea what is going on, which tallies with spiking.

Just read it again and missed that it is actually serious. Sorry, you are having to go through this.

You're going through all this t bring your (yours and his) child into the world and he's getting pissed and saying vile things about you, and his friend thinks "it's not fair on him to have to be on call for the last two weeks".

I can only imagine how he's going to react about taking care of you while you recover, dealing with crying at night, broken sleep, nappies, constant washing.

Of course you give the baby your last name. He couldn't even keep himself together until their birth. Do you have a supportive family, because you need loving support right now. If you can stay with your mother or someone, do that. You can deal with Captain Dickhead later.

The OP cannot put her partner on the birth certificate unless he is there to agree and sign. The partner cannot register the birth either because he is simply a "partner" and not a spouse. I would choose whatever name I liked, excluding any names from his side of the family, and give the baby your surname. I would certainly not agree to put his name on the birth certificate because he certainly hasn't been acting like an attentive expectant parent.

Going out to dinner and drinks was one thing - and I think it was quite mean in the circumstances. He could have had a few drinks though rather than end up falling down drunk when you needed him. His friend is just vile - if I was ever to make a go of the relationship getting rid of the friend would be a prerequisite.

I think though it would take a lot to make me forgive in the OP's circumstances. There are some things you can't unhear or forget. I might not throw him out right away because he might be useful for some initial childcare while you are recovering. I would be seriously considering leaving when your daughter is a bit older.

Good luck with the baby and I'm sure she'll be beautiful.

@Loki01

Hmmmm...

I am gonna get yelled at for this but you tell him to go out, then you call him crying on the phone but still say its not that bad. If its not that bad why are you calling him? I can see why he has had enough of the drama...

You missed out the excuse for him getting absolutely smashed when his girlfriend is on the edge of going in to full price labour, do you have one for that too?

Some things can never be unheard, whether he was drunk or not. How sad.

Not putting him on the BC is a dick move

Bollocks. And I can say that as a representative of the "Dad not on birth certificate community". It affected me in precisely zero ways, all my life. Babies are not concerned about paperwork.

What not putting him on the cert will do is give her a bit of breathing room if she needs it. If he decides to be a cunt - and let's be real, he will - he will have to jump through one extra hoop in the legal process. That's all.

It's very rich of you to yell "dick move" at a vulnerable woman in her situation, while her feckless boyfriend is off on a bender. You sound like a "dick move" made human.

I'm so sorry this has happened OP. I'm heavily pregnant and if DP did this I would be devastated. I hope that your scan went OK and that you managed to get some sleep. I also hope he's contacted you with a grovelling apology.

Don't make any decisions now. Just focus on you and baby. Go to your dad's if that's what you want to do. You have weeks to decide about birth certificates.

OP I knew my marriage was over when I had a horrific emergency section and then H couldn't even be bothered to bring me a pillow for the car ride home. Such a lack of thought and respect after what I had just been through. It was his one job.

Your situation is much worse. You don't need him. Why would you put up with such disrespect and thoughtlessness. He does not deserve you or your baby

@bigred22
Crying down the phone and asking for help whilst saying she doesn't mind him going just doesn't make sense. OP herself says that he is normally good.
It sounds like he just wanted to vent. I am not saying that it was appropriate but from the post, I get the vibe.

OP, I am normally extremely critical of drunken behavior of this sort. And yet although I do not condone what your boyfriend has done, I don't condemn him as much as I normally would. That is because I have lived through a situation like yours. And it was hard for my husband. He didn't get drunk, but he wasn't as lovely and connected as he normally was. He just did not know what to do or how to react. In fact, it turned out, he felt painfully helpless and unable to protect his wife and potential child. He felt guilty about making me pregnant and terrified about the loss of us both. It was extremely excruciating for him in ways he could not voice. He wanted to fix something, and "being supportive" did not feel like enough of a fix, even though it was what I needed. I was frustrated and angry at the time, and he has been an excellent father, but that was a hard time. Still, there is something difficult for a man who cannot help a woman he has made pregnant. Not as difficult as it is for the woman who iS pregnant, though, let me be clear about that, though! I am just telling you this because it is what I learned about his perspective.

He’s let you down, he’s let himself down. You are nit being unreasonable at this, this is big scary stuff and he’s been an ass. Just ignore him, he’s just going to raise your blood pressure today

@bonetiredwithtwins

Not putting him on the BC is a dick move IMO and all about petty revenge - he's the father and should be recognised as such and by the OPs admission he's been fine until the last 2 weeks

I would never put someone on the BC, which gives them rights, if they've been behaving like a dick. Men don't have to be on the BC to be recognised as the father.

They can be added later, if they prove themselves. But you can''t remove the rights if they carry on behaving like a dick.

And given that it's frequently the case that the red flags for an abusive cunt start showing up during pregnancy, I would have to have an honest re-appraisal for the relationship before signing up for being messed around/controlled for the next 18 years.

I've seen far too many threads on the Relationships board where fathers have messed their kids around just in order to get at the ex, to happily agree to giving a father PR these days.

Right now, though, I'm hoping OP is getting some much needed sleep. and if she is undergoing a CS, that she has some RL support.

No matter how people are in the everyday of life, it can be in the very difficult times of our lives that we find out how much we mean to people, how far they will go for us, will they go that extra mile for us to keep us safe.

So, he has let you down badly. Really badly.
Getting pissed with ‘friend’ gave him air cover & a handy scapegoat.

You know it.
Your friend, your mum, his mum, the hospital team: they all know he a thorough shameless shit for choosing to do this when you are going through early labour & baby could come (or brought on) at any time.

To quote from the MN cannon of universal truths: he has shown you who he is, believe him.
He has nowhere to hide from this as he’s totally fucked up & too many people know. He has to sort himself out.

Focus on yourself & your baby.

@seasonalsnowflake

Random aside but is he definitely drunk? Could he have been spiked? Big increase i spiking cases where I am. It's just you say he can't walk, can't speak and has no idea what is going on, which tallies with spiking.

OK let's imagine he was spiked. Bad, wrong, poor bloke, blah blah.

Now let's address reality.
He decided to go out with a pal who reckons it's not fair on him to have to be on call for the last two weeks, brutally tells that pal that the mother of his baby should shut up about her pain, & makes that contemptuous jibe about morphine.
He ignores all calls & texts for help.
He is more focused on his 'stress' than his baby's life.

He may have been spiked. Or he may have got ratted under his own steam.
Given the reality that whichever of those 2 events happened within - WTF does it matter if he was spiked? Why are you promoting the notion that this hypothetical spiking makes the reality ok?

@blyn72

I have a feeling he will sober up and arrive, very sheepish, before too long.

If you have to go for a C-section, it will be quick. You won't be alone.

I'm so sorry you are going through such an awful time and hope the outcome is positive. x

I was not expecting so many replies I'm shocked! But thank you for the feedback. I still haven't slept and I'm still contracting with more waters gushing- I feel like im going to struggle to get through the next 8 days in every way possible.

He did come to hospital but as I thought- it's all been really downplayed and left me questioning myself. He has been apologising a lot and seems to feel quite guilty but adamant it's just a mistake and it doesn't matter because I'm only in early labour and not "actual" labour. I feel so tired and so weak I was just happy to see him but I honestly think he thinks in his head as he's never messed up before and has been pretty great all along- it's like he is allowed a free pass? He keeps saying I've blown it well out of proportion. He's gone back now to feed the dog.

I just want to confirm I completly understand people's concerns about him, but I promise hand on my heart he is usually amazing, he's been brilliant and by my side every second of the day that's why I'm so SHOCKED. He was terrified of me to even go to the toilet alone I've been so used too a completely different version, it's like a switch has gone off. We are also very happy and barely argue.

He does have trouble expressing emotion and I have tried to encourage him to open up but he doesn't. He did have a loss in his family this year and he hasn't spoke about it and his family are guilt tripping me saying it's tapped into some grief.

But I still feel confused, I'm still angry and I don't want to be okay with him. It was one of the worst nights of my life and I just feel so so hurt.

I think I'd struggle to move past his behaviour, especially with the minimising.

Hand on heart, can you say you've ever really needed him before and he has absolutely been there for you? Because I think what you're finding here is that he isn't when it really matters, even if he is when it's easy.

He’s a dick. I’m so sorry.
Concentrate on yourself and the baby. Of course you are hurt, massively hurt, but try to leave it to one side for now.

[quote Loki01]@bigred22
Crying down the phone and asking for help whilst saying she doesn't mind him going just doesn't make sense. OP herself says that he is normally good.
It sounds like he just wanted to vent. I am not saying that it was appropriate but from the post, I get the vibe.[/quote]
Gosh, I can't think why somebody may not be acting as rationally as usual when they have spent two weeks in early labour.

Could you, & your vibe, keep your unfortunate remarks to yourself while you have a think about how YOU might endure 2 weeks of excruciating pain & anxiety, @Loki01?

TIA

@GatoradeMeBitch

Not putting him on the BC is a dick move

Bollocks. And I can say that as a representative of the "Dad not on birth certificate community". It affected me in precisely zero ways, all my life. Babies are not concerned about paperwork.

What not putting him on the cert will do is give her a bit of breathing room if she needs it. If he decides to be a cunt - and let's be real, he will - he will have to jump through one extra hoop in the legal process. That's all.

It's very rich of you to yell "dick move" at a vulnerable woman in her situation, while her feckless boyfriend is off on a bender. You sound like a "dick move" made human.

Yes THIS

@ChargingBuck

Sure, let's all ignore how this affects him.

I had my share of shit situations, trust me.

I found it interesting that you said 'we are very happy and barely argue' when that to me actually suggests the opposite, and as a result he will vent to someone else instead of you, as he probably avoids confrontation to keep you happy. People who do this tend to explode as it all catches up with them. I think that's what has happened here, I think he is getting more frustrated than you realise with this whole long drawn out process.
Altho it's a shitty thing to do, I don't think this sums him up as a bad person overall.
I hope you are ok

Op I think he’s gaslighting you and completely unempathic and minimising what you’re going through.

Why does he see a difference between ‘early’ labour and ‘actual’ labour? You’re exhausted, in pain and frightened and that should be all he needs to know to step up and be a support. Op if you were my daughter I’d be kicking his arse out and giving you so much love and support.