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Original poster

Boyfriend went and got drunk in my early labour

357 replies

ddolly123 · 30/01/2022 05:08

Hi

My waters broke at 32 weeks because of pprom. I have been in hell since. I'm nearly 35 weeks.

I have been contracting every day since and I'm in early labour however I'm not dilating. I've been in hospital in and out this whole time and being closely monitored. They decided they wanted me to push through the pain and contractions to give her a better chance starting off. Today it's been two weeks since I've been in early labour

My boyfriend has been great so dad always there for me and very hands on. However tonight he went for dinner. I was pleased he was getting out.

I did tell him all day though the pains are getting unbearable I was crying on the phone and I was begging him for help. I didn't tell him not to go to dinner I still didn't mind but I did say I think I might have to go to hospital.

Fast forward he has got so drunk he can't even walk. He can't speak he has no idea what's going on. He drunk dialled me when he was with his friend slagging me off and saying hope they give her morphine to fucking shut her up up.

I've never ever seen this side of him and im heartbroken. My friend came with me as I couldn't walk through the contractions and he did turn up with his friend but he was so drunk she had to turn him away. He apparently looked relieved.

Its 5am now and my friend had to go home and I have been told I'm showing signs of infection and I may have to deliver early via emergency c section.

I've tried calling and calling him but I can't get through. I've begged and pleaded for him to pick up but he was so drunk I can only assume he is dead out. He certainly won't be able to drive or look after me in the next few hours.

I am so scared to deliver my child alone if I have too, it's been such a scary two weeks and I can't believe he's done this.

I don't know how to get through these next two hours alone so I'm just reaching out to anyone who's awake. Also do I have a right to be mad? The doctor has said we have to be on standby until our original c section (8th feb) is here because of risk infection, my ongoing pain and stress to the baby. His friend said it's not fair on him to have to be on call for the last two weeks.

I didn't mind him going out but he's so paralytic he doesn't really know or care what's going on

Sorry my head is everywhere

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 30/01/2022 16:54

@BoodleBug51

I've got 3 adult DD's OP, and the one thing I've drummed into them since birth is not to ever be reliant on their partner. Don't take on or start what you can't finish yourself, that way you'll never be left scared, alone and feeling you can't cope. Ensure that every journey you make is one of your own choosing, and that anyone along for the ride is a bonus not a necessity.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the 1st time. He's shown himself to be someone you can't rely on in a crisis. Therefore what's his worth in your life? He has no idea that his place in your life is an honour, not an option Flowers

That's what I've been drumming into my DD.

If she finds a great partner, I'll be happy. But at least I'm helping to ensure she has resources to fall back on. Much of it based on my own, bitter, experiences.

RaginaPhalange · 30/01/2022 17:06

Get rid of him op. You and baby deserve so much better than that waste of space.

Ask someone else who will be there to help and support you through this time. And turn your phone off.

Gilly12345 · 30/01/2022 17:07

Is he normally a piss head and get drunk often or is this new?

He is not a responsible father to be.

Consider your options and yourself and the baby first.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 30/01/2022 17:32

I'm not surprised you're upset and angry. He's let you down badly at a time when you needed him most. I honestly don't know how you move on from this.

storminateacupagain · 30/01/2022 17:42

Give your head a wobble OP
You went throught one of the worst night of your life. Your partner who is meant to be there through thick and thin was absent- too busy getting pissed with his friend to give a shit ( morphine comment)
Now he is minimising it.
I get you are afraid and l hope all goes well with you and your daughter but he is NOT a good partner and l am concerned if he will be a good father...
Concentrate on yourself right now- plenty of time to see this twat and excuse for a man for what he really is when your daughter is here safe and well.
What he has done and continues to do is quite unforgivable

CheesusWept · 30/01/2022 17:54

I couldn’t forgive this.
What an utter wanker.

LittleOwl153 · 30/01/2022 17:57

I feel so tired and so weak I was just happy to see him but I honestly think he thinks in his head as he's never messed up before and has been pretty great all along- it's like he is allowed a free pass

That is what he wants you to believe... is he going to do this if your little.one ends up with health dramas in the future? I can tell you from my first getting her here was just the start. I could notnhave coped with her if.her dad had done this to me when she needed us.

He keeps saying I've blown it well out of proportion.

You havent and you know you haven't. You know he was wrong to do that he did and so.does he. But by throwing it back on you his is making you feel guilty for.his wrongdoing and thus getting him off the hook... nasty...

You need to be strong for your little lady. She is I feel a fighter but she needs you to concentrate on her, keep your strength for her, (and ignore ore the prat her father is being to do that).

I'd reconsider her surname as like others I doubt if ge will stick around if things don't centre around d him. And if he does it will be a constant reminder of what he put you both through and hopefully make him think twice before doing it again.

Good luck OP.

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2022 18:21

Right now, park his behaviour.

Don't talk about it, don't refer to it. He's not going to take responsibility and you don't need him messing with your head.

You need all your strength to get through the coming weeks while your baby continues to grow and then for whatever birth the consultant deems right. Though I think I would be begging for a hospital stay and access to gas & air.

When you're baby is safely here and you're recovered, then is the time to discuss this at length. Don't let him minimise. Don't let him gaslight you. Refer to this thread to remind yourself of what he put you through. If he doesn't see your point of view and be absolutely mortified at what he'd done that tells you everything.
And if he hasn't been a perfect partner in those weeks, don't even bother. Show him the door.

And I still say whatever the outcome, the baby has your name and he isn't on the birth certificate. You can revisit that a year down the line.

Wishing you all the best. Whatever happens, please let us know when your baby's here and you know where to come for more support Flowers

Dashel · 30/01/2022 18:25

Please have a really good think about why you would want to give the baby his surname. You have carried it, been careful about what you have eaten and drunk, been through embarrassing medical examinations, put up with pain and morning sickness and so why wouldn’t the child have your name? All he has done is really to have had sec with you.

As an unmarried mother, you have fewer rights and I’m not sure what your financial situation is, sorry if I missed it, but you need to protect yourself and your dc and being unmarried isn’t a good start.

If things go well you can decide to change the child’s name but no way is he ever going to let you change the surname from his to yours even if you split up and he hardly sees the child.

Personally I wouldn’t be able to forgive or forget his outburst and the comments from him and his mate and then trying to minimise everything.

Please think about things with your head and not your heart. You need to do what is best for the child and not what is best for your boyfriend.

Londoncallingme · 30/01/2022 19:21

He was a shit and it won’t be a one off - he’s obviously been saying awful things to his friend about you.
But you are clearly going to let him make it your fault.
Good luck - you’ll need it.

timeisnotaline · 30/01/2022 20:33

A good response to ‘you’ve blown it all out of proportion’ is well, I’m really really upset about it but sounds like at least I can tell all our friends and family to vent a little, since I’ve blown it out of proportion they’ll tell me this. Of course, if I haven’t, and my reaction is reasonable, they will actually never look at you the same way again.
He knows you haven’t overreacted, watch him backtrack on why you shouldn’t tell people.

mathanxiety · 30/01/2022 20:58

it's like a switch has gone off.

Yes, this is how it starts, @ddolly123. You think you know someone and suddenly you realise you are dealing with a stranger. You see glimpses of the person you thought you knew from time to time, but you are also stunned by the new information. You can suffer from terrible cognitive dissonance and toxic optimism about returning him to his original presentation. This takes energy from you that should be going to the baby of course, and from your focus on your own recovery.

What you are seeing is a man who can't stand the fact that you are not giving him all of your attention. His resentment will not improve when the baby is born. If anything it will grow worse.

You can look forward to more of the same complete disrespect, seething contempt, minimising, and gaslighting from him whenever you ask for some completely reasonable support - and you are going to be asking for all sorts of completely reasonable help and support as you recover from childbirth and deal with a hungry little newborn over the next few months.

Hold onto that feeling of not wanting to have him near you. Your mother's instincts are telling you he is not your friend or a friend to your baby.

WetLookKnitwear · 30/01/2022 21:15

I think this has just shown his true colours op.

whywouldntyou · 30/01/2022 21:18

My ex did this, wasn't there at the birth, when he finally arrived reeking of booze the look the midwife gave him could have killed at 20 metres. It didn't last, surprisingly.

I'd get rid now, save yourself the hassle later down the line.

Tarne · 30/01/2022 21:29

I have been married for over 25 years and if my DH had treated me as badly as this even just once I would have called it a day.

That's because I have standards. Being there for me in sickness and in health is the basis of respect, especially when utterly vulnerable in childbirth.

He was rude, disrespectful and selfish beyond belief.

Anyone saying forgive and forget, shame on you for having such poor standards in acceptable male behaviour.

I would have been utterly devastated if my DH had laughed behind my back and switched off his phone when I was in pain and needed him.

He is telling you he is immature, feckless, selfish and inconsiderate.

No child of mine would want a father like that.

runningoutofnewnames · 30/01/2022 22:07

@timeisnotaline

A good response to ‘you’ve blown it all out of proportion’ is well, I’m really really upset about it but sounds like at least I can tell all our friends and family to vent a little, since I’ve blown it out of proportion they’ll tell me this. Of course, if I haven’t, and my reaction is reasonable, they will actually never look at you the same way again. He knows you haven’t overreacted, watch him backtrack on why you shouldn’t tell people.
This, 100%.

If it's no big deal, no problem telling everyone, right?

whynotwhatknot · 30/01/2022 22:16

Its ok everyone hes stated its not real labour so it doesnt matter

phew thats ok then

Derbee · 30/01/2022 22:19

Here are some home truths.

You are having a baby with an arsehole.

You are mad to have kept calling him. Why would you want him there?

You would be mad to let him be at the birth, ready to let you down. Call a family member or friend to be your birth partner.

You would be mad to give your baby his surname - it’s clear that this relationship will not go the distance, whatever excuses you make for him now.

Not sure what your financial and living situation is, but you need to separate and concentrate on your baby.

RobertsRadio · 31/01/2022 00:13

@whynotwhatknot

Its ok everyone hes stated its not real labour so it doesnt matter

phew thats ok then

Thank goodness her man told her that the pain and distress are nothing to worry about as it's not a real labour. Honestly where would we daft women be without a man to explain all that to us.
TigerLilyTail · 31/01/2022 00:43

@ChargingBuck

I don't know. With my Ex, he always saw himself as the "good guy" and I later found out that part of this involved telling lies about me to other people whether it was strangers in a bar, his friends or his parents. Weird lies that made no sense other than to reinforce that I was the "bad guy" and he was the "good guy".

If I ever tried to call him on his behavior, it would get twisted around so again, I was the "bad guy" and he was the "good guy" even when it made absolutely no sense.

I never noticed anything wrong with his behavior until we had kids and life was no longer was all about him. He started getting lazy with his facade.

I think he is a textbook narcissist and he sees life as a play with him in the central role as the hero and all those around him are merely extras. He could be kind, when he wanted to be kind but it wasn't actually about kindness. It was all part of his act as the "good guy".

Anyway, I hope for the OP's sake that her partner isn't as bad as this but there are plenty of red flags here. He should have been mortified and apologetic about his behavior. It says a lot that he wasn't.

Cleanbedlinen12 · 31/01/2022 05:58

No doubt I’ll be flamed for this, but the older I get the more I realise that really good men are in the minority but amazing, strong, resilient women are everywhere. From birth we are gaslighted into believing that we need to be rescued, need to be loved, need to be partnered. The truth is that we are incredibly strong, the fountain of love, and the first and most important partnership of new life.

This is beautiful pp

5128gap · 31/01/2022 09:46

@Cleanbedlinen12

No doubt I’ll be flamed for this, but the older I get the more I realise that really good men are in the minority but amazing, strong, resilient women are everywhere. From birth we are gaslighted into believing that we need to be rescued, need to be loved, need to be partnered. The truth is that we are incredibly strong, the fountain of love, and the first and most important partnership of new life.

This is beautiful pp

Isn't it? So sad that a lot of us only come to this conclusion as we get older. How much pain we could be spared if we all understood this when we young.
amusedbush · 31/01/2022 11:19

No doubt I’ll be flamed for this, but the older I get the more I realise that really good men are in the minority but amazing, strong, resilient women are everywhere. From birth we are gaslighted into believing that we need to be rescued, need to be loved, need to be partnered. The truth is that we are incredibly strong, the fountain of love, and the first and most important partnership of new life.

I love this. My husband is a good man and I'm very glad we're married but if he left tomorrow, my life would go on. I don't NEED him. The absolute pillars and loves of my life are strong women who both raise me up and keep me grounded.

BoredZelda · 31/01/2022 12:25

but adamant it's just a mistake and it doesn't matter because I'm only in early labour and not "actual" labour. I feel so tired and so weak I was just happy to see him but I honestly think he thinks in his head as he's never messed up before and has been pretty great all along- it's like he is allowed a free pass? He keeps saying I've blown it well out of proportion. He's gone back now to feed the dog.

If he is dismissing it, he is gaslighting. He doesn’t get to say whether you should be scared and angry.

Even if my husband thought I was being overly anxious about something, he would never say it. He would instead, say things which were calming.

BoredZelda · 31/01/2022 12:26

From birth we are gaslighted into believing that we need to be rescued, need to be loved, need to be partnered.

And then when we do, on occasion show we need that, we are told not to be so silly.