Boyfriend went and got drunk in my early labour

[ddolly123]

Hi

My waters broke at 32 weeks because of pprom. I have been in hell since. I'm nearly 35 weeks.

I have been contracting every day since and I'm in early labour however I'm not dilating. I've been in hospital in and out this whole time and being closely monitored. They decided they wanted me to push through the pain and contractions to give her a better chance starting off. Today it's been two weeks since I've been in early labour

My boyfriend has been great so dad always there for me and very hands on. However tonight he went for dinner. I was pleased he was getting out.

I did tell him all day though the pains are getting unbearable I was crying on the phone and I was begging him for help. I didn't tell him not to go to dinner I still didn't mind but I did say I think I might have to go to hospital.

Fast forward he has got so drunk he can't even walk. He can't speak he has no idea what's going on. He drunk dialled me when he was with his friend slagging me off and saying hope they give her morphine to fucking shut her up up.

I've never ever seen this side of him and im heartbroken. My friend came with me as I couldn't walk through the contractions and he did turn up with his friend but he was so drunk she had to turn him away. He apparently looked relieved.

Its 5am now and my friend had to go home and I have been told I'm showing signs of infection and I may have to deliver early via emergency c section.

I've tried calling and calling him but I can't get through. I've begged and pleaded for him to pick up but he was so drunk I can only assume he is dead out. He certainly won't be able to drive or look after me in the next few hours.

I am so scared to deliver my child alone if I have too, it's been such a scary two weeks and I can't believe he's done this.

I don't know how to get through these next two hours alone so I'm just reaching out to anyone who's awake. Also do I have a right to be mad? The doctor has said we have to be on standby until our original c section (8th feb) is here because of risk infection, my ongoing pain and stress to the baby. His friend said it's not fair on him to have to be on call for the last two weeks.

I didn't mind him going out but he's so paralytic he doesn't really know or care what's going on

Sorry my head is everywhere

I found it interesting that you said 'we are very happy and barely argue' when that to me actually suggests the opposite, and as a result he will vent to someone else instead of you, as he probably avoids confrontation to keep you happy. People who do this tend to explode as it all catches up with them. I think that's what has happened here, I think he is getting more frustrated than you realise with this whole long drawn out process.
Altho it's a shitty thing to do, I don't think this sums him up as a bad person overall.
I hope you are ok

I agree that "we barely argue" stand out, but for the exact opposite reason than you're suggesting. This man has just walked into a hospital to see the woman he apparently loves and cares for more than anybody else in the world, knows she's been in severe pain and her condition is serious enough to be in hospital. And what's he done? Completely downplayed what she's actually experiencing. He apparently knows more about her pain and condition than she does. He's right, nothing he's done is really wrong. Is he deeply sorry? No, he thinks he's got "a free pass". I wonder how he'd react if he were in hospital for something serious and instead of being there for him she got paralytic, and he heard her talking badly about him and his pain?

If they barely argue, I bet that's because she doesn't challenge him. I bet she's always allowed to be right about things - when she agrees with him. If he thinks he can gaslight her about something this major, then it's unlikely to be the first time.

OP it doesn't matter why he's behaving like this, the point is that he is and there's nothing wrong with how you're dealing with this. At all. Please reread deeplyrooted's post and also reach out to anybody and everybody else in your life who could be supportive. I wish I was your friend and I could come and be with you.

Big hugs to you. You're having to be stronger than is fair right now.

You could have needed a c section while he was in a drunken coma.
His drunken blow out will be forgotten once his hangover fades, but missing your child's birth & being there for his suffering frightened partner can never be retrieved.
Please stop calling him. Grey Rock the shit out of him until he apologizes sincerely.
How dare he say "just early labour pain"
Tosser

I’d give him ‘just early labour pain’ 🤬

I spent a week in early labour. It was the toughest thing I had ever experienced at that point in my life. My dh never left my side. He wouldn't have left me alone in the house to get a bottle of milk, let alone go drinking.

Your dp let you down when you most needed him. If he can't see that, own it and offer a deeply meant and totally genuine apology, then I would seriously be questioning his commitment. Early Labour was tough, but post birth there were some even more tough times, and I absolutely relied on my dh to get through them. You need to be able to rely on your partner, or they're not really a partner.

Is this man safe to be around a newborn baby? Known to get really drunk and irresponsible throwing abusive comments at her mother when she is in pain, scared and vulnerable?
Stop begging this fool to care please
Sorry
Wish you all the best

I'm so sorry you're going through this
You're strong an tougher that all this bullshit
Put a red flag on this... Do not budge and deal with this afterwards
For now you have urgent matters
And you may have to accept that you'll have to get through this yourself
I'm sure if you speak to us here you have lots of support

I just hope he realises that he's dealt with this situation terribly
He must be freaking out but his actions are selfish
That you've been impacted so badly right now is heart breaking
Love and well wishes to you

BadgerB

Agree with every word of your post. My husband was great at fathering but a total bloody nuisance during labour, I ended up telling him to "fuck off home and come back when its over"

OP he was a twat but before reading all of the replies telling you he’s abusive, don’t put him on the BC etc remember there was a thread on here around NYE of a women TTC and thinking she was pregnant but she wanted to go out drinking and posters were encouraging her to drink, knowing alcohol reduces fertility and increases the risk of miscarriage.

And are any of those posters on this thread, @WonderfulYou?

You make a good point about adjusting for bias, but pretending there is a correlation between posters that you disagree with on this thread & posters who were being bloody stupid on a totally unrelated thread to try & justify your foul accusation that OP might "use the baby as a weapon" is so manipulative I have to wonder what your agenda is.

OP will make her own decisions, about the birth certificate & anything else, at her own pace, using her own judgement.
She certainly doesn't need yours.
And you might wanna read the room before bandying irrelevant mentions about MS risk right now. It's not you sitting in that hospital. Have some sensitivity ffs.

@YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp

I’d give him ‘just early labour pain’ 🤬

Bendigedig, @YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp

You & the entire Mumsnet Hitsquad.

He left you scared and alone because he wanted to get pissed with his mate?

Regardless of you being in early labour (?); there is no reason possible why that is OK.

He is supposed to support you, love you, help you. Not just bugger off at a sniff of a beer.

"He keeps saying I've blown it well out of proportion."
That is a whole big waving red flag.

I know you keep saying that this is really out of character for him. However - I can't count the HUGE number of threads I've read where the woman considered their partner to be perfect until - marriage, pregnancy or birth. After which event, their previously lovely and loving partner turned into an abusive arsehole. And being an arsehole actually was in character for these men, something they'd successfully masked until the wedding / pregnancy / birth. Or to put it another way - they play-acted being good men until the woman was inescapably 'captured', then relaxed and showed their true selves.

So, be aware that this happens. That he's minimising his behaviour is not a good sign, and I would be very wary.

I don't think it's fair to write off the father of your child because they got inappropriately drunk, once. Men often deal with pressure and emotional issues differently to women. It's not excuse , but it's helpful to look at the situation differently.

He might feel better after letting of some steam. A stressful pregnancy can cause.stress to both parents. Personally I'm sick of seeing all the MN comments that expect partners (mainly men) to be perfect. It's just unreasonable.

If he's supportive 99% of the time, then you can forgive the bad behaviour. It's better He let's of steam and you have him back for support. Sometimes we just have to let stuff go... there are more important things to focus on like yours and baby's health.

If he's as supportive like you say, he'll be back on form after. If he apologises etc. Then isn't that enough ? Telling him to leave etc doesnt really help the situation. Other Mnetters telling you to do this, well they are not living your life. The people on here are not going to help you, they are just giving crap advice and you will ultimately suffer..

Not everyone can handle high stress situations. If he's truly sorry, give him a chance to make it up to you. Nobody gains anything by 'turfing him out'. Just useless. (Unelss he is actually abusive which you are adamant he isn't) .
.he did a shit thing, it's life, move on from it.

Plenty of bumps in the road ahead. You would rather he be around for them. It isn't a guarantee he will make this stupid mistake again

In the meantime, reach out to others..luckily you have other people to call.

North Manchester based

I long to join the Mumsnet Hitsquad.

@girlmom21

And I'm probably gonna be accused of victim blaming but he's not the victim here

How did you come to that conclusion?

This isn't how a real man behaves. Sorry.

Im more worried about the baby from your posts. Ask lots of questions OP. Baby seems stressed, infection risk etc...i truly hope you are receiving proper care. The strain on healthcare atm would make me wary of the decisions being made.

Oh God, it's the usual "amazing" and "brilliant" stuff.

No, he's neither thing. He's not been there when you really need him. How will you feel when he does the same when your daughter needs him? If she can't have a father whom she can rely on, she's better off with just you.

You've done the 'pick me' dance by ringing him and everyone in his family repeatedly, and telling him you won't be cross with him if only he will respond (this is like a particularly weak mother talking to an errant son). Now is the time to focus solely on your child. Spare her all this kind of stuff, and ask your friend to be your birth partner. There's no particular reason why a man should do it anyway.

@ddolly123
He did come to hospital but as I thought- it's all been really downplayed and left me questioning myself. He has been apologising a lot and seems to feel quite guilty but adamant it's just a mistake and it doesn't matter because I'm only in early labour and not "actual" labour.

So many red flags here.

He keeps saying I've blown it well out of proportion

Forget red flags, alarms are ringing. He’s gas lighting you.

I promise hand on my heart he is usually amazing, he's been brilliant and by my side every second of the day that's why I'm so SHOCKED

How long have you been together? All your posts suggest that this isn’t out of character. A decent man would not go out drinking like a university student whilst his dp is in labour. The reason why you “rarely argue” is probably because you let him get away with things.

I’ve recently been through pprom at 29 -+4 and delivered at 31+4, the day my waters went we were at a wedding and my fiancé was already drunk and didn’t really believe me because it wasn’t obvious, I didn’t really think it was my waters either to be honest I went to the hospital alone and was kept in as he was to drunk, it was honestly the scariest 6 hours worrying if my baby was going to come with him not being there. Anyway as soon as that happened, he didn’t drink again and was so apologetic never left my side, however the constant worry going in and out of triage took hits tole, I just think they don’t know how to deal with the whole pprom situation and they honestly think you’ll be fine until 36 weeks and then induce/section.
All I can say is, I know what your going through, we had a 5 week nicu stay, and I was desperate to get him out as I was also in early labour, but honestly the longer baby is in the better, some born at 35/6 weeks had very short nicu stays and leaving my baby for 5 weeks in the hospital was harder than the pprom before hand! Always here if you need a chat, my baby is 11 weeks now and it’s all a distant memory!
X

I've got 3 adult DD's OP, and the one thing I've drummed into them since birth is not to ever be reliant on their partner. Don't take on or start what you can't finish yourself, that way you'll never be left scared, alone and feeling you can't cope. Ensure that every journey you make is one of your own choosing, and that anyone along for the ride is a bonus not a necessity.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the 1st time. He's shown himself to be someone you can't rely on in a crisis. Therefore what's his worth in your life? He has no idea that his place in your life is an honour, not an option

First, best of luck, OP. I'm wishing health to you and your baby!

Second, if you do decide to stay with him, please learn from this experience and put yourself and your baby first. Make an honest appraisal of how he's behaved and keep a clear head about him, going forward. He's tipped his hand and shown who he truly is, and unfortunately, he's not a man you can depend upon to be rock-solid when life becomes difficult. You'll have to be prepared for him to fail you again, the next time life gets tough. It's rare that a person's character changes dramatically. Who he is at 30 is who he'll be the rest of his life, probably. I'd have a very hard time trusting him or relying on him to be steadfast through hard times. Please take care to protect yourself from his flakiness!

BoodleBug51

I've got 3 adult DD's OP, and the one thing I've drummed into them since birth is not to ever be reliant on their partner. Don't take on or start what you can't finish yourself, that way you'll never be left scared, alone and feeling you can't cope. Ensure that every journey you make is one of your own choosing, and that anyone along for the ride is a bonus not a necessity.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the 1st time. He's shown himself to be someone you can't rely on in a crisis. Therefore what's his worth in your life? He has no idea that his place in your life is an honour, not an option flowers

This is Gold, Every female should be taught this from birth.

I hope the urgent medical issues have calmed a little.

A good man would have understood that he’d fucked up . He would have been horrified at his own behaviour, and would have tried to figure out how to repair the damage.

This one is gaslighting you. Abusive behaviour often starts in pregnancy and when a newborn is in the home, so you need to be on alert and keep in close touch with trusted family and friends. He is making you doubt yourself in a high- stress situation- he isn’t a supportive partner.

Agree with PPs- give the baby your last name, and don’t give him PR via the birth certificate. He can apply to be included later but would have to make the effort to do so. An arsehole with PR has the power to make life incredibly stressful for his children and ex-partner when reels break down.

Speaking from bitter experience, even the most helpful, caring of men can turn into useless, resentful children once a baby comes along. Often coupled with the really unhelpful intervention of a wayward friend. The friend should have tried to stop him.

Your DP might come good but tbh getting ratarsed two weeks before a normal due date is a no no and in your situation definitely not.

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst

When someone shows you who they are listen. Anyone decent would not have got hammered while their significant other was in labour.

Things at this point are easy despite the stress you’re going through with the complications. If he can’t behave like a grown up during labour then he’ll likely be a pain in the arse when you’ve got kids making you all sleep deprived and stressed. You need to really consider how out of character this is and whether you think it’s a genuine one-off or if actually it is the mask slipping. There is every chance this is the behaviour you can come to expect when things are tough at home.

My husband was amazing with my first and an utter arse after my second was born. He basically did fuck all, left me dealing with two children on my own because he was ‘on annual leave and needed a rest from work’. Never seemed to think that I might need some rest or time to recover after pushing out a small human. I don’t think I will ever forgive him and the chances are you’ll hold some anger from his treatment of you for a long time.