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Original poster

Gender disappointment

140 replies

Zola78 · 28/12/2007 21:05

I'm now 38 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. I have two boys already and am hoping that this, my last pregnancy, is a girl. But today and in recent weeks I have become more and more depressed at the thought of having another boy. When we were trying to concieve I think I convinced myself that it didn't matter if this baby wasn't a girl but now I'm close to tears.

The irony is I'm scared of having a girl but I think that's to do with the unknown. I guess I'm just posting for support and to find out if I'm alone.

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NAB3wishesfor2008 · 28/12/2007 21:09

I was convinced my first was going to be a girl and I wanted a girl. Towards the end I imagined having a boy as I didn't want any feelings of disappointment at the birth. I had a boy. Very happy.

Second time I figured I would love another boy as I would know what I was doing but if I had a girl - SHOPPING! I secretly wanted a boy for me but a girl for everyone else. Had a girl, ALL of us was happy.

Third time I really wanted another boy, not sure why, had a scan, problem suspected, sex irrelevant. Had a boy and he is all fine now.

You will feel sad at the moment as you are worrying about what you will feel once baby is here, but trust me, you won't care pink or blue as long as they are here and fine.

Good luck.

Tommy · 28/12/2007 21:10

I have 3 boys and was secretly hoping DS3 was a girl.
hen he was born, the MW said "Look wha you've got" (she told me later that she didn't want to tell me the news!)I looked and howled - I nearly said "oh no - anther boy" but I didn't want that to be the first thing he heard..

I think I was sorry he wasn't a girl for about 5 seconds and then I was delighted.

I was very offended actually when a friend of my MIL phoned and said "What a pity it wasn't a girl"

I love having 3 boys now. You will love and be delighted by a girl or a boy.

Good luck

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 28/12/2007 21:10

When I told my nan I had had a boy she said, never mind you can have a girl next time.

BitTiredNow · 28/12/2007 21:15

I really feel for you, and what you don't need to be told right now is that you will love whatever you have. When I found out the sex of dc3 I cried so hard in the scan the doctor gave me a huge bollocking for not appreciating the baby was healthy and my friends were equally annoyed with mem, but we all have our own valid reasons for our emotions. My adivce would be to connect with your emtions now, play out your own worst case scenario in your head until it seems irrelevant, and then focus on the fact that a tiny baby will be born soon who will find the world a big scary place and so need its mummy for cuddles. And then forgive yourself for your feelings. I hope this helps - it was meant well - and every day I see my dc3 now I thank God for the person, not the genitals, but at your stage if people had told me that, I would have switched off. sending you a big big hug

hotpotmama · 28/12/2007 21:17

I'm pregnant with my 3rd too. Got 2 DS's already and am convinced am having a boy as can't imagine having a girl. Will be delighted whether boy or girl just as long as the baby is healthy.

3 matching is cool, will be a madhouse but already is so no change there.

The only thing I worry about if I have 3 boys is being the dreaded MIL in 20 years time, but have decided I can worry about that in 20 years time and not now!

Try not to worry, just think of all the great things about boys in case it is one. Am sure your heart will melt as soon as you hold your little boy or girl.

Bluenosesaint · 28/12/2007 21:18

I have 3 girls and its fabulous having 3 of the same sex ...just something really lovely about it

With dd3 we found out what we were having when we had the scan, tbh i was disappointed - not because she was a girl but because i wouldn't get to do 'boy' things iykwim. I felt like this for about a week and then all the positives took over the negatives

I can honestly say that i have had no regrets whatsoever and LOVE the fact that she is a little girl.

You will be delighted when your little bundle arrives, regardless of whether its blue or pink

Good luck xx

Original poster
Zola78 · 28/12/2007 21:31

Thanks everyone. I suppose I know boy or girl I will love him/her but right now I'm just feeling low! I thought that ds2 was definitely a girl and I love him to bits regardless.

I guess in a sense if I don't have a girl I will mourn what could have been and move on. This is definitely my last pregnancy so no additional chances.

OP posts:
imdreamingofawhiteKITTYmas · 28/12/2007 21:36

Zola - I feel a bit like you I'm 12 weeks pregnant with number 3 and have 2 DDs already. I know DP really wants a boy this time and I think thats only natural, I think he feels a bit swamped with the pink and dolls already. If this one is a girl I will feel disappointed for him. If I am honest I would probably like a boy too to see what it's like to parent one of the opposite IYSWIM but I know once I met my DD I would love her regardless. I tell everyone who asks "do you want a boy" "you'll be hoping for a boy then" that I don't care what the baby has between it's legs as its an individual person, I'm quite defensive about it really. If I was going to be disappointed with another girl I would't have another baby, I'm just fed up with all the comments already. I think I need some witty replies.

pania · 28/12/2007 21:39

Although I would never never admit this to anyone in rl, I really wanted a girl and when ds was born my first reaction was disappointment.

He is wonderful and beautiful and I wouldn't change him for the world, but I do wish I had admitted to myself just how much I was hoping for a girl and found out the sex earlier so that the moment of his birth, which I will never forget, wasn't marred by that feeling.

coby · 28/12/2007 21:44

I'm in a similar situation but not as far gone. On third preganancy and there will be no more after this one. Have 2 DDs already. I always thought from a young age I would have boys only as I had no idea what girls liked (I'm a bit of a tomboy). Now I have 2 DDs I love saying 'come on girls' and such silly things. Would like a DS this time (mainly because i am sick of pink I think) and was told at my 12 week scan that is what we had .

One thing has struck me recently though, if I have a boy, I really don't want people saying I kept going until I had a boy (as if I got it wrong with DD2 and I should have had one of each). Does that make sense? tbh atm I don't think I'll be devastated if I find out it is DD3 at my 20 week scan but I bet by the time I am 38 weeks I'll be feeling like you are now.

Blame your hormones - thats what I do.

coby · 28/12/2007 21:48

x posted with several others - really nice to see I'm not alone in how I feel. Isn't MN great?

Kittymas if you get any suggesstions for witty replies, please let me know - I could do with some to use myself but I am now brain dead and have definitely had a sense of humour bypass

lizandlulu · 28/12/2007 21:51

when i was pregnant i wanted a boy and was so sure i was having one. when people asked me what i would do if it was a girl, i would say 'i would chuck it in the river!'
i actually said that to someone!!
so of course it was a girl, and now cant imagine having a boy. wouldnt swap her for a boy in a million years.
i remember sitting in the hopsital after having her and thinking 'a girl, can belive its a girl', and i thought like this until 2 nights later when we were burgaled.
after dealing with the police at 2am, i went back upstairs, looked in the moses basket and just had a surge of love. as long as she was ok, thanks all that mattered to me.

im sure you will feel fine, whatever it is

puffybear · 28/12/2007 21:52

i'mdreamingof...- I'm in the same situation as you, have two DDs already and I'm 13 weeks pregnant with DC3. My DH has already said he doesn't want to find out the sex at the 20wk scan as he'll be devastated if it's another girl - he said this jokingly but he's been open about really wanting a boy.

I thought it would be best not to find out the sex, as if it is a girl then I'll spend the second half of the pregnancy worrying that DH will be harbouring so much disappointment.

I'm also fed up with the constant "Ooh, you'll be hoping for a boy then" comments from other people. I feel under pressure for some weird reason, when there's absolutely nothing I can do about it!

imdreamingofawhiteKITTYmas · 28/12/2007 21:53

I actually think I am going to turn it around and when people say "so you'll be hoping for a boy" say "yes we will be so disappointed with another girl we won't know what to do, I probably won't be able to bond with her and it would probably be best if we put her up for adoption" seriously what do they expect me to say?

My Mum (who is toxic and believe males are superior to females anyway) said (when I told her DD2 was a DD) nevermind you said you wanted a third anyway this has made me all the more protective of DD2.

PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 28/12/2007 21:54

i have 4 of one gender and pg with another
am not going to find out as imo it ruins the pg
i will say though Zola that you will love it - that flows naturally - even if - as i did you feared you would not.
imagine the faces of pity and even grimaces i got and still get when you say you have 4 of one gender - lord knows how i will cope with those if its a 5th

WanderingHolly · 28/12/2007 21:55

"We're so thrilled/relieved/happy it's another girl/boy."

"Actually, we're hoping it is another girl/boy. Ours have turned out so well, we know we are good at making girls/boys!"

"Why do you say that?" is always an awkward question to answer, and should be used after fuckwitted remarks.

You may find that your dcs want a baby brother, your dh wants a girl....Always worth passing the buck - "Actually dd1 wants a sister but dd2 wants a brother etc"

People can be a bit insensitive.

Someone said to an ex-boss of mine "Ooh! are you hoping for a girl this time (after two boys)"

Slightly pissed, I said "Well as long as it doesn't turn out to be wind, I don't think she'll care, really."

Fortunately, she got the joke. (And I wasn't actually working at the time.)

imdreamingofawhiteKITTYmas · 28/12/2007 21:57

puffybear - we are having a 20 week scan and finding out the sex (we are having to pay for it as you only get one scan here) I think whatever it is I will mope for a few days then get over it and be so happy. I had a mc this year and also had a threatened one with this one actually still don't know if it's 100% OK so I think sod it as long as I'm still having A baby thats all that matter. I agree though it's other peoples comments that drive me insane.

PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 28/12/2007 21:58

wandering - think i will bottle those and gently release the cork on entering school playground/doctors/supermarket daily!

puffybear · 28/12/2007 22:06

imdreamingof... - good luck with your scan, hope everything turns out well.

I've just had the twelve week scan last week, spent the whole time craning to see if I could detect the slightest hint of male bits - no chance. Asked DH what he thought when we got out the room but he replied he couldn't even make out where the head was, never mind the genitals. You'd think it would be a bit familiar by now, this being our third child.

imdreamingofawhiteKITTYmas · 28/12/2007 22:08

Thanks I have a scan on Monday all I care about is seeing a heartbeat nevermind a willy.

pinkbubble · 28/12/2007 22:13

My Mother!!!! quite often goes at me for having 3 DDs! I feel very proud of them. If I had 3 Dss then so be it, it is in the lap of Gods! Or if I had 1 boy and 2 girls (or vice versa).

In my eyes as long as they are all healthy (and they are!)Then so be it. (maybe I think like this just to wind my mother up!

coby · 28/12/2007 22:18

Imdreamingof...I have a scan on Monday too - 20 week. Good luck with yours. From your posts seems like we have a bit in common (My 'toxic mummy' said almost the same thing to me when DD2 was born 'oh well, you'll just have to try again' .) I also had MC earlier this year, my friend who was due the same day as I was has had her little girl this morning - funnily enough she thought she was having a boy

imdreamingofawhiteKITTYmas · 28/12/2007 22:21

Coby - best of luck with yours too come back and tell us what you are having though, I think 3 little girls would be great, it's DP I feel sorry for he won't stand a chance!

coby · 28/12/2007 22:25

My DP is hoping for another girl - he has this strange idea that they will all dote on him, never have boyfriends and have lots of attractive female friends.... the fool

MulledWino · 28/12/2007 22:26

Sorry but.. imagine giving birth to a disabled baby. Then perhaps a healthy/normal baby of either sex will not seem such a bitter disappointment.

Jump on me if you like. I really don't care. The reality of being responsible for a disabled person your whole life, with heaven only knows who being there to care for that person after you die, makes these "gender disappointment" threads seem so ridiculous.