Gender disappointment

[Zola78]

I'm now 38 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. I have two boys already and am hoping that this, my last pregnancy, is a girl. But today and in recent weeks I have become more and more depressed at the thought of having another boy. When we were trying to concieve I think I convinced myself that it didn't matter if this baby wasn't a girl but now I'm close to tears.

The irony is I'm scared of having a girl but I think that's to do with the unknown. I guess I'm just posting for support and to find out if I'm alone.

Will you get off telling MW she's being unkind?

That's completely out of order. She's just trying to give some perspective.

Where does this kind of thread end before people admit they're being a teensy bit silly?

"I'll be soooooo traumatised if my DD has blue eyes"

MW's feeling of isolation is nothing to do with lack of empathy. More likely exhaustions/difficulty/impossibility geting out of the house/other people have no idea what her life is like.

Anyway final post. MW - go to TTR and reveal yourself

Agree with PY - and I don't think you need knowledge or experience to empathise.

empathise about what? Having a healthy baby boy?

Empathise with the feelings of others, no matter how trivial or irrelevant they may seem to you.

When I got pregnant with ds over two years ago it greatly concerned me as well whether he would be a boy or a girl, until the 20 week scan, when all hell started to break loose. The long and short of it that at the end of that hellish pregnancy I was just so intensely grateful to have a boy who was not quite as ill as I had had reason to fear he might be.

I do see why you might be feeling this way, but you have no reason to and you will be absolutely fine once you have your wonderful baby.

(what do I have to do to be allowed on to Time To Rant btw?)

get 2shoes to send you an invite..... I think peachy might be able to as well. I'll tell them you want one.

Thanks

Done- haven't seen either around tonight but ask again in SN if you don't hear anything.

Thank you have just found relevant thread and posted on there as well.

I was the other way round, we had a boy and I think he is so fab, I just wanted more of the same! Ds2 was csect and I remember holding my breath while until they told us what we had - I would have been GUTTED if they'd said 'its a girl!' I didn't ask the sex at the 20 week scan for the same reason.
Think its because I'm one of 4 sisters, no brothers. I just couldn't imagine inflicting that sister thing on my darling ds1
But yes people did keep saying all through the pregancy 'oh I bet you really want a girl this time'. No, we just wanted a 2nd healthy baby.

I've been on MN since 2003 and threads on this subject of gender preference always end up this way ...

We have 3 children and never wanted to find out the sex. At the 20 week scan of our youngest 2 problems were found. We immediately decided to find out the sex to have something good from the day. It was a boy which I was very happy about and it helped me bond and become immediately even more protective of him. Finding out I was getting the gender I wanted, even though they may be a problem, helped me.

I think mulledwino has spoken a lot of sense on this thread. When I was pregnant I really wanted my baby to be a particular gender, which I was lucky enough to get, but reading MW's posts about her experience has made me feel quite ashamed of that. Sometimes we do need to be reminded of whats really important, even though we might not want to hear it.

Hmmm. On the fence here. I suppose I can appreciate that people might have a sense of wistfulness or a few pangs (that might recur) about not having a particular gender. But actually to be seriously upset about it, I don't know, it does seem (sorry) self-indulgent.

FWIW I have 2 dses, neither have SN. I have had 3 mcs.

When I found out ds1's sex I did have a brief, deflated 'oh' moment, as I'd always imagined myself with a girl. But I got over that very quickly indeed, and when I found out with ds2 I was utterly thrilled.

And sometimes I wonder what's behind the great emphasis some people seem to place on gender. They're all children, surely? I find it faintly disturbing to hear people talking about what 'flavour' they have or whether it'll be a 'pink one' or a 'blue one'. I don't want to get into the whole gender differences debate. Of course there are differences, although IMO nurture plays the principally defining part. But why must we attach such (relatively) rigid sets of expectations to the gender of our children?

I do agree that whether the baby is a boy or girl is not nearly as important as having a healthy baby. However, you can't help how you feel and I'm sure everyone who has a moment of disappointment about the gender of their baby feels extremely guilty about it.

I am due ds3 in 6 weeks. When I found out at the scan that it was another boy I admit I was a little disappointed. Not because I didn't want another boy as the 2 I have are fab but because this is our last baby and I would have liked to experience having a little girl. I felt really awful for feeling like that. Now I can't wait to meet my little boy and hope he arrives safely - finding out at the scan gave me time to get used to the idea of the madness that'll descend here with 3 wild boys. But at the same time I had to deal with the disappointment after the scan which I don't think I would have felt had I just found out his gender at birth.

oh rozzy I can identify with that. I asked the sex of ds3 at our 20 week scan because I knew I would have issues with his gender- mainly because ds1's disability is 4 times more common in boys (a friend in the same situation as me was told she could have a termination if she was found to be carrying a boy, so having a boy is a real risk). By having the 'oh shit' moment at a 20 week scan it meant that the birth was nothing but a chance to welcome number 3 to the world. I didn't want my time meeting him to be one of worry, and it wasn't.

I do find perspective helpful whenever I'm getting worked up about something. For example this xmas has been quite difficult- there's only one thing that ds1 can actually do, that's remotely normal (which is go moor walking - when he's not out moor walking he's usually 'creating' as my grandmother would have said) and a few days ago I found myself on a pity trip about normal 8 year olds playing computer games/watching TV/reading books/building lego/going to the cinema/football etc. I gave myself a good boot up the backside when it occurred to me that very very few children in ds1's school would be able to take a single step on a moor - let alone lug a backpack across several tors and over bogs before retuning home for Christmas lunch. As moor walking is one of my all time favourite things too, it's a marvellous gift to be able to share that with him, and if I was told I could choose one thing to be able to do with him it would be that. Truly we are blessed.

BTW rozzy- having 3 boys is wonderful- there's something gang like about having 3 of them- now that I know ds3 is developmentally fine I'm quite pleased to have 3 of the same.... you'll love it too!

have been thinking about this all night, wanted to post first thing but my internet down... i see the debate has moved out so much but i still wanted to add my 2p...
i think all of us (certainly me) could start a thread a day titled "i am scared sh*tless there's something wrong with my baby". i am sure every parent's to be first and foremost concern is the welfare of thier unborn child. and yet, and yet...

parenting is such a complex business and it would be foolish to ignore the complex emotional and psychological things that come into play, whcih depend on an individual's history, the way you have been parented yourself, your culture etc. for example I KNOW that my irrational and irrelevant "only boys" fantasy comes from having had a v conflicting relationship with my own mother, a very hard time growing up and fitting in a avery male dominated professional world, and of course the culture where i come from where everybody has reacted to the news of another girl by saying "at least you won't have to worry about being taken care of when you're old".
so i think it is completely normal to "worry" about gender, and to let your expectations etc come into play. this does not mean you will reject your baby or not love them or not be the best possible parent you can- as we've all said you know where we're coming from but we're also know where we're going, we are going to love our babies fiercely and unconditionally and who gives a flying fig about gender really!

to all of you who have los with disabilities or are facing the possibility that you might, i am sure i speak for all in saying that we feel for you, hug you tight, wish you strenght and wisdom and hope that, should we be in your shoes one day, we would have 1/100 of your wonderfulness to help us deal with it. honestly. the fact that we also have some issues with gender (whether they last a minute, a day, or a few months) does not for a second diminish these feelings.

Gender issues (as in I want a girl just because I want a girl) vs disability/ttc/ivf etc etc are only an example of what I call 'wrong audience syndrome'..... If you're having a crappy time it can be difficult to recognise that you're not the intended audience on mnet and to go off and clean the kitchen or something. [If someone was to say it to my cousin in RL right now (about to start 2nd IVF) I would think they needed their head examined- but that's a different issue].

It is understandable to feel like you do just now but I bet when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time you'll be delighted no matter what sex it is.

When I had dd2 I had to put up with a few idiots saying things like 'oh what a shame' (I'll never understand how anyone can see a perfect, healthy newborn baby & say that). Then when I had dd3 I kept getting asked if I was disappointed - emmm, NO! I was delighted wjen dh said she was a girl. During my 4th pregnancy I even had total strangers telling me they'd pray for a boy for me By that time I was convinced that for some reason I could only carry girls so when ds arrived I was more shocked than anything else but I can honestly say that I wouldn't have been disappointed if I'd wound up with 4 girls.

Take it easy & hope you have an easy birth.

I am expecyting my fourth boy (have only read a few posts on here sorry, ds2 kicking off LOL) and I did want a girl- not for frilly pink reasons but because two of mine are on the autistic spectrum and that's more likely to re-manifcest in a boy, so naturally we'd have felt 'safer' with a girl. But that's about it I think, I obviously have a huge foot in the as longa s its not a disabled baby camp because well, been there twice and have a huge chance of it happening again.

BUT there's a big run of boys in our family- both my sisters only have boys, won't have any more babies and neither will I; one girl amongst them all would ahve been nice, if only to cut down on the amount of time my TV is switched to the Wii .

When I found out this one was a boy (and indeed when i found out ds3- arguably the sweetest child ever born imo was a boy) there was a bit of 'I am never going to be Mother of The Bride, or go shopping for a wedding dress with my daughter; as they grow Dh will take them off on his hobbies (male dominated thing) whereas I will always be eitehr token women (as I am now) or on the outside; it would've been nice to say sod the lot of ya, you go weld, me and daughter are going shopping- but that feeling passed really quickly. And when ds3 had a downs syndrome scare it became the least of my worries and I learned to adjust immediately. I did find out early whcih I think has helped somewhat and I do think it might take a while after birth for yout o adjust- but you will. Us mummies can adjust to anything pretty rapidly and we love our babies completely damn quickly.

Good luck with the birth X

no idea why i am posting in this topic(nothing on the telly)
when I was expecting my first. it HAD to be a boy. i couldn't even kid myself I wanted a girl. I was lucky and had ds. second time i managed to kid myself I didn't care but was over the moon to have a girl. and yes it all went pear shaped (won't go into deatil in this topic) but lets just say I can see where MulledWino is comming from.

MulledWino, whilst I acknowledge the selfishness of wanting a girl over a boy, it is nonetheless how I feel. Are feelings aren't always politically correct or even morally. But should I deny the way I feel and not deal with how I am truly feeling. Of course above all I want a healthy baby and maybe we in the west are spoilt because a healthy baby is a given but I'm just feeling sad at the possibility of never having a mother-daughter relationship.

I think I'm allowed that and as I am sure as many have acknowledged on this thread that once the baby is here I will love and adore which ever gender pops out.