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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Gender disappointment

140 replies

Zola78 · 28/12/2007 21:05

I'm now 38 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. I have two boys already and am hoping that this, my last pregnancy, is a girl. But today and in recent weeks I have become more and more depressed at the thought of having another boy. When we were trying to concieve I think I convinced myself that it didn't matter if this baby wasn't a girl but now I'm close to tears.

The irony is I'm scared of having a girl but I think that's to do with the unknown. I guess I'm just posting for support and to find out if I'm alone.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

lulumama · 28/12/2007 23:04

i can see MWs point

but it is a bit like saying to someone who is depressed, you have no right to be depressed because there is always someone worse off than you , and you are lucky to have X Y Z

sometimes human beings get irrationally and emotionally hung up on things

it is not neccesarily wrong to feel like that, just because someone else is having a far worse time and does not feel taht it is important

WanderingHolly · 28/12/2007 23:04

I am sorry you are having a hard time with your ds's needs.

That does not stop other people having genuine concerns over their ability to bond with their new baby, how to deal with pressure and unwelcome comments from others or their own feelings about not having a child of a particular sex.

And it's not really on to dictate what others can or can't discuss. Freedom of speech and all that.

Whilst the concerns of some may seem trivial to you - and nobody is going to disagree that, though overwhelming, their gut reaction to the gender of their baby isn't the biggest worry they have - that doesn't make anyone else's opinion invalid, ridiculous or wrong.

coby · 28/12/2007 23:05

if someone needs support they should be entitiled to start a thread about it regardless of t he subject matter - isn't that what MN is all about?

It was very clear from the title what the thread was about - I think you should have been able to tell it would upset you, people will always discuss these things so why upset yourself about it by reading the threads? For the lucky majority life goes on as usual. Everyone knows that disabilities happen and worse but we just have to hope it won't be us this time. Everyone on here has said that health is most important, you just arean;t readig those bits because of what you have been through.

hatrick · 28/12/2007 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MulledWino · 28/12/2007 23:05

Cheers Quattro. I typed something similar about the "support" I was attempting to offer (in I admit, a somewhat depressing, hardhitting way) in my last post, but erased it.

In a nutshell, really don't spend a moment stressing over a gender. Just enjoy your pregnancy and look forward to your baby.

PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 28/12/2007 23:06

tell you what mw ...we on this thread are all human and able to admit our weakness as such
of course we are grateful for our children...
a childs gender is an emotive subject - we are simply acknowledging our feelings.

coby · 28/12/2007 23:07

Read my earlier post - I am in those circumstances and I also don't mind boy or girl, though I would like to sonograhers opinion.

Quattrocento · 28/12/2007 23:07

Of course other people's opinions can be "invalid ridiculous or wrong".

Of course they can. And sometimes - especially when pg - things get out of proportion.

Don't many people use Mumsnet as a barometer of behaviour? That's what it's for.

puffybear · 28/12/2007 23:07

MulledWino -all I have said is DH would very much like a son after having two daughters whom he loves unconditionally, however I know he will love another daughter just as much if that is the way it is going to be. AND it goes without saying that any thoughts about the gender would go out of the window if there were concerns about the child's health. He is not stupid and does not need things putting into context, thanks.

Bluenosesaint · 28/12/2007 23:08

agree lulumama

MulledWino · 28/12/2007 23:08

Coby, I came on the thread because of the title, with the hope of putting feelings of such disappointment into context, thus lessening those feelings.

hatrick · 28/12/2007 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MulledWino · 28/12/2007 23:09

Sorry puffy, your post implied that perhaps he might.

WanderingHolly · 28/12/2007 23:10

I think you've just driven them into the ground.

Quattrocento · 28/12/2007 23:12

Hey lulumama aren't we all saying the same thing?

You said "sometimes human beings get irrationally and emotionally hung up on things"

Erm yes - but you can either say

(i) Be honest and advise the OP not to sweat the small stuff OR

(ii) Validate the irrational behaviour

MulledWino · 28/12/2007 23:12

Lulumama you DO make a good point. Except that I would say that someone with depression is ill.. no "pep talk" is going to make them snap out of it. Wanting a boy instead of a girl or vice versa is just a little momentary selishness not an illness. And if it is more than momentary, is perhaps a problem, for the mother AND the baby. Pointing out what could be so much worse than "having another boy" might perhaps help put things into context a little.

Sorry if you object to the word context, anyone, but it's extremely relevant.

KristinaM · 28/12/2007 23:12

muledwino - you wrote

if you had any concept (personal or because you are close to someone it happened to) of having a child who is not going to live long or who might live a normal length live but is never going to be that much longed for and hoped for child, (the one you grieve for even though he never actually existed) then trust me you would not have issues over the gender of any future baby.

well actually i have had 2 disabled children. in fact, one died while i was pregnant with another. and guess what, I DID worry about the sex of the unborn baby.

so no, zola you are not alone.your feeling are neither right or wrong, they just are. its fine to be worried or disappointed.

there are lots of us who have felt like that at soem time in our pregnancies

Bluenosesaint · 28/12/2007 23:14

How is the irrational behaviour being validated?

Just seems to me like lots of people who have had the same irrational thoughts telling the OP that its ok and 'normal' to have these feelings and that they'll disappear ...

PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 28/12/2007 23:17

'ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with?'

since when were emotions rational?

MulledWino · 28/12/2007 23:18

That's your personal experience Kristina and I can't argue over what have or don't have issues with. That's personal to you. I am so sorry to hear about your losses. However it is extremelty probable that most people stressing over gender would NOT be doing so if they thought for one moment their own baby might be disabled; they would just thank their lucky stars for a healthy child and accept whichever gender came alone.

KristinaM · 28/12/2007 23:19

she is not talking about behaviour, she is just sharing her feelings

she is depressed and " close to tears". Why are you being so unsympathetic?

MulledWino · 28/12/2007 23:22

I'm not. I am trying make her look at things a different way so that she is no longer "close to tears". It's all about perspective. I expect you can appreicate that considering what you've been through.

PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 28/12/2007 23:22

i agree kristina wholeheartedly
i actively disagree with your statement 'it is extremelty probable that most people stressing over gender would NOT be doing so if they thought for one moment their own baby might be disabled'

snooks · 28/12/2007 23:23

IME you can in one instance think about the gender of your unborn dc and how you would feel one way or the other......... in the next instance you can hope and pray that your same dc is born healthy. Everyone knows which is the most important issue, but unfortunately you cannot tell your mind which er, "thoughts" to think and when. Both valid.

PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 28/12/2007 23:24

sorry the latter statement was to mulledwino

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