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Original poster

Disappointed with baby's gender and feeling low and guilty

152 replies

HarrysMummy17 · 21/01/2022 17:11

I found out at my 20 week scan today that I'm expecting DS3. I knew it would be a boy, I prepared myself for another boy but I've still been in tears most of the day.

I feel sad for the baby girl I'll never get to know. The names I'll never be able to use. The girly things I won't ever do. The dresses and pink glitter boots I can't buy. The Disney princess dvds that will remain unwatched.
Not being able to braid her hair for school. My old dolls and sylvanian families toys that are sat in my mums loft will likely never be played with. My 2 boys were never interested.
I'm not saying this boy wont/can't like stereotypical "girly" things, I'm just going on the 2 I've already got who are very boy, boys.

I'm cross with myself for feeling like this when I'm so lucky to be carrying a healthy wee boy.

We struggled so much to name the first 2, I'm sure this one will end up being christened boy as there are just no more names 😩

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JanuaryPinks · 21/01/2022 17:15

Did you try for a third because you wanted a girl? Or another child? If you were going for a girl and are now disappointed then I’m not sure what to say - the odds were 50:50 and it’s very unfair on your poor unborn child to bring him into the world in this kind of context. Luckily you’ve got another 20 weeks to sort yourself out and get over this. When you meet him you will love him. He will be a different person from your other sons and may well like all the “girly” things. Equally you could have had a girl who wasn’t interested.

All of this gender stereotyping is damaging to children IMO. Congratulations on your healthy baby.

WheelieBinPrincess · 21/01/2022 17:20

You have a very set view of what a girl would be like don’t you?

Why would they necessarily like Disney Princess DVDS (I can assure you lots don’t)

And pink glitter boots and dresses?!

Why can’t boys play with Sylvanian families Confused

Sorry but your disappointment has been compounded by your ridiculous notions of gender.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2022 17:22

I'm cross with myself for feeling like this when I'm so lucky to be carrying a healthy wee boy.

Given you already recognise this, you'll be fine. Accept the feelings, deal with them and file them away.

And ignore anyone who gives you shit about it here.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2022 17:23

Why can’t boys play with Sylvanian families

She specifically explained that her two boys weren't interested in them.

WheelieBinPrincess · 21/01/2022 17:25

Doesn’t mean no future boys wouldn’t be interested does it?

Topseyt · 21/01/2022 17:26

There's no guarantee that a girl would be at all interested in pink glittery boots and princess costumes. Mine preferred football to any of that tat.

I had three girls. Yes, a boy would have been nice but you get what you get and there is no point in being disappointed in it.

You will soon have another lovely baby boy and your older sons will have a new brother.

I just don't get this gender disappointment stuff.

WheelieBinPrincess · 21/01/2022 17:28

Sorry if it’s harsh, it probably is coming across that ear but there’s so much disappointment towards having boys in MN. And the notion that little girls will be a mini-me of the mum with a stronger bond- it is often just a fantasy though. The girl of boy will be their own person.

My mum still berates me for not ever wanting to play with her Sunday dolls Hmm

WheelieBinPrincess · 21/01/2022 17:28

SINDY dolls ffs

Hugasauras · 21/01/2022 17:28

I get it, OP. It's the acceptance I think that you won't have a girl, not so much disappointment at the individual that is your DS. It's like closing the door on something I think when it's your last one.

You know when he gets here you will be head over heels in love with him, but it's fine to feel sad for what you won't have without being ungrateful for what you do have. Emotions are complex things.

FayCarew · 21/01/2022 17:29

I'll have him if you don't want him @HarrysMummy17

The girly things I won't ever do. The dresses and pink glitter boots I can't buy. The Disney princess dvds that will remain unwatched.
Not being able to braid her hair for school. My old dolls and sylvanian families toys that are sat in my mums loft will likely never be played with. My 2 boys were never interested.

Either get a doll or do these things for yourself

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 21/01/2022 17:29

I’m sorry you’re disappointed.

Can I ask - why did you have another baby? Was it to try for a girl?

Hugasauras · 21/01/2022 17:30

I will say that DD isn't interested in glitter or princesses so far, more like dinosaurs and building things Grin so I wouldn't think of it as what you're missing in that respect because you might never have got it. You might get a little boy who likes those things if you give him the freedom to explore though!

sunnyhoneybumblebee · 21/01/2022 17:30

You can't help how you feel. Lots of mums crave for that mother daughter relationship, but you'll love your little boy as much as any daughter you may of had. Just give yourself time to adjust to what you've been given.

If it makes you feel better, my DD isn't "stereotypically girly" she hates dresses, lives in sports clothes, won't go near anything pink and won't let me touch her hair. I wouldn't change her for the world though

DoodleBelle · 21/01/2022 17:31

Your feelings are valid. Take a little time to be disappointed then pull yourself together and start looking at all the positives of having another beautiful baby boy. Not sure why you are getting such a hard time on here, you’ve been very reasonable in expressing your feelings.

mummyh2016 · 21/01/2022 17:31

OP for some reason these sort of threads never go down well on here. It is perfectly normal though to feel this way, I think most girls growing up imagine having a daughter, a sort of mini me. Look in the toy shops, most dolls are girls. It's okay everyone jumping on the stereotypical genders etc however the likelihood is that when the majority of women who are now child bearing age were growing up putting boys in pink and girls in blue etc wasn't really the done thing so when comparing to what our childhood was like it was girls who liked Disney princesses and boys who played with cars.
I had a bit of gender disappointment, my DD was desperate for a sister, when we found out we were having a boy I did feel sad for a bit as i knew she was disappointed. Well he's here, she is over the moon to have a little brother and I couldn't love him any more than I do, as I'm 99% sure you will as well with your baby. I would recommend you step away from this thread though as the vultures will just make you feel shit. Take care.

sunnyhoneybumblebee · 21/01/2022 17:33

Also...... my son is so much easier than my girls.

My 2 DDs are so sassy, I'm dreading teenage years

Original poster
HarrysMummy17 · 21/01/2022 17:34

@WheelieBinPrincess oh I know everything I'm saying is all rubbish and if it was a girl she'd likely be rolling about in the field with her brothers. It would be nice to have the chance. My boys didn't want to play with the sylvanian families so they all went back in the boxes. And since they started school they won't play with anything remotely "girlie".

Yes I need to get over myself. He's a healthy baby and that's all that matters. I fully aware of that. I still can't help feel disappointed.

To be honest, it's more the name. We've struggled so much with names. Obviously we knew it was 50/50.

Thanks for the input though

OP posts:
stillwaitingonaring · 21/01/2022 17:34

I was the same and I already have a boy and a girl! But I am over it now and looking forward to it. To be honest my daughter is hard work and my son is a breeze so glad I don't have to deal with that again 🤣

TheAverageUser · 21/01/2022 17:34

Gender disappointment is relatively common I think. It sounds like you're grieving the life you won't have and getting used to what the future looks like. It'll take a little time, go easy on yourself.

I don't want to join in the gender back and forth but if it helps my 4 year old DS loves stereotypically girly TV and movies, we're watching Gabbies Doll House and hes asked his dad to make bracelets with him this weekend

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 21/01/2022 17:34

My DS 2 loves all things Disney.

My friends little girls can't stand them.

sunnyhoneybumblebee · 21/01/2022 17:35

[quote HarrysMummy17]@WheelieBinPrincess oh I know everything I'm saying is all rubbish and if it was a girl she'd likely be rolling about in the field with her brothers. It would be nice to have the chance. My boys didn't want to play with the sylvanian families so they all went back in the boxes. And since they started school they won't play with anything remotely "girlie".

Yes I need to get over myself. He's a healthy baby and that's all that matters. I fully aware of that. I still can't help feel disappointed.

To be honest, it's more the name. We've struggled so much with names. Obviously we knew it was 50/50.

Thanks for the input though
[/quote]
Do you want to tell us what names are on your list so far? Maybe we can help you choose

Drunkpanda · 21/01/2022 17:36

I think if you've two of one sex it's normal to have a preference for a third to be the other sex. But OP you will have a lovely brood of little boys running around and being brothers and it will all be fine. And each one will have their own personality

germsandcoffee · 21/01/2022 17:36

Your allowed to feel a little disappointed x
But he's healthy and little boys give the best mummy hugs as you know x

Original poster
HarrysMummy17 · 21/01/2022 17:37

@sunnyhoneybumblebee

None. There are no names on the list 😩.

OP posts:
Doifollowrule · 21/01/2022 17:37

Gosh aren't people nobheads?! I was exactly the same after my last 20 week scan, but didn't feel like I could say anything. Went to the toilet and sobbed for what I can't have. It's fine to feel sad and acknowledge it, but it's really hard for people who can't have them or have suffered losses to read, so I'd recommend finding a trusted friend or someone in the same situation. My third boy is nearly 2 now and I love him as he is but I am still sad that I'll never have a girl. I have a great relationship with my mum and I wanted to replicate it. My relationship with my two older boys is pretty good though, so maybe there isn't a huge difference, but you're right, you'll never be mother of the bride and might not be the "primary" grandma etc, but it's all so far in the future. I'd suggest doing what I did and remember a the things you've enjoyed so far and think how much fun they'll be to do again.

It'll be ok. Being a mum of boys is awesome and you already know it!

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