Disappointed with baby's gender and feeling low and guilty

[HarrysMummy17]

I found out at my 20 week scan today that I'm expecting DS3. I knew it would be a boy, I prepared myself for another boy but I've still been in tears most of the day.

I feel sad for the baby girl I'll never get to know. The names I'll never be able to use. The girly things I won't ever do. The dresses and pink glitter boots I can't buy. The Disney princess dvds that will remain unwatched.
Not being able to braid her hair for school. My old dolls and sylvanian families toys that are sat in my mums loft will likely never be played with. My 2 boys were never interested.
I'm not saying this boy wont/can't like stereotypical "girly" things, I'm just going on the 2 I've already got who are very boy, boys.

I'm cross with myself for feeling like this when I'm so lucky to be carrying a healthy wee boy.

We struggled so much to name the first 2, I'm sure this one will end up being christened boy as there are just no more names 😩

Sylvanian families? You are blessed with three lovely boys and you are crying over fucking Sylvanian families? Ffs op you need to get a grip and be grateful for what you have.

Maybe he'll grow up to be a woman

It is tough when you were hoping for a certain gender but I promise once he gets here and you see his little face it will all make complete sense that it was him that you were waiting for all along, I'm excited for you and secretly a little jealous (broody again!)

When I was a child I hated dolls, pink, anything princess, glitter, I wouldn’t have played with sylvanian families either..soo even if you had a girl they might not like that stuff.

Gosh people are rude, and mean, and probably need to take a look at themselves. It’s all well and good saying that you’re damaging a child by putting gender norms on them, well ladies, you’re damaging an upset woman who’s having a completely normal emotional reaction that happens to many women - what champions of mental health you are.

And to the OP, gender disappointment is normal; common even. I’m no expert, but anecdotally it passes too - a baby is very different to the idea of one. Lots of love x

Still really struggling to understand what posters mean when they say they’ve missed out on “the experience” of having a girl. You can dress a boy in glitter boots if that really means that much to you.

Oh for goodness sake @JanuaryPinks

These threads never go well...

I appreciate you feel disappointed, OP. But I think your expectations are a bit wonky here. Just because you have a girl, doesn't mean she'll be into any of the things you outlined here. And just because you're having a boy doesn't mean he won't be. My son is 8 and still loves soft toys. He has no interest whatsoever in superhero's and monster trucks. These are daft stereotypes you are perpetuating.

I'm trying to say this gently - but you have a lot to be thankful for. Two boys already, another healthy child on the way. Look around the Mumsnet boards - they are filled with posts from women who are infertile, are battling serious illness, have children who are ill, or are bereaved. There are no guarantees of anything in life and thinking about what could have been, rather than enjoying what is, is only going to keep making you miserable. You are going to have a lovely little baby who will have his own special personality traits and quirks that make you laugh and smile. There are some lovely times ahead.

This is totally bonkers, there are so many people piling on to someone having an emotional response that she cannot help. Of course logically she knows she is being silly and will love here baby whatever gender it is, THAT'S WHY SHE'S HERE.

@JayAlfredPrufrock

Oh for goodness sake *@JanuaryPinks*

I mean it. Is it because you want your child to play with certain toys or wear certain clothes? Is it because you think it will mean having a different kind of relationship with them now or in future (the “primary” grandma stuff?)? Is it because you think girls are inherently different from boys, personality-wise? I honestly don’t get it because any and all of the above are based on stereotypes which are damaging to boys and girls. I think it’s worth really thinking about what you mean when you say something like wanting to “experience” having a girl. If you did have a girl, would you want her to be limited by society’s views of what women can achieve? Because the glitter boots unfortunately is all on the same spectrum.

I think it's perfectly rational to hope for a girl after two boys, and feel a bit disappointed that you won't have that.

Doesn't mean you'll love baby any less. I don't understand why people in this forum struggle to understand disappointment.

Are there worse outcomes? Should she grateful for baby? Of course. But ignoring her feelings won't stop them from existing.

Little boys are much the same as little girls. They are all delightful and different. However, it is hard to ignore the endless whinging on here about MILS. Some of it deserved but a lot of unfair discrimination.
Some Mners love to use the term 'Mummy's Boy' for any man who continues to have a close relationship with his mother post marriage.
So many threads explaining why post grandchildren, Pils are not welcome whereas the maternal grandparents are essential. Not all Mnetters but a significant proportion of them.
There are a number of posters on here who post horrible comments about their partner's parents. A recent thread asked for the best qualities in a MIL ( from a mum with boys). The replies about their husband's mothers included 'being dead', living on the other side of the world, a different continent' etc.
Really nasty stuff, that would cut mothers of boys to the quick.
Obviously, if the original poster lived in some countries where boys are really valued, she might feel completely differently about having sons.
I really hope attitudes change and fathers are given the opportunity to be more involved in their children's lives. There are many posters on here who believe women have the sole right to be gatekeepers for their children. They are so very dismissive of men and fathers.
There are endless threads about cheating men (scum) and yet research shows millenial women are more likely to cheat.
It all adds to the narrative that many men are bad and women who have sons are lesser mums. Not good at all.
I so hope there comes a time soon when the birth of a male child is as much a cause for celebration as that of a female child. Or rather, all children are celebrated equally.

I think people are being harsh on the op. I had a really tough pregnancy with DC1 - didn't know she'd be okay until after she was born. That meant for me I didn't care the gender of subsequent DC as long as they were healthy.
However I can totally see why others may be disappointed, it's a normal human emotion and can sit alongside love etc.
This notion of being grateful is a bit damaging in my opinion. It's why people who have struggled to have a baby feel they can't admit they're struggling etc.

One of my DS's favourite toys was my childhood Girls World. He sings and dances, loves drama and dressing up.
He shares my sewing machine and loves growing houseplants. Loves to cook. Our favourite night out is the theatre and cocktails.

We share so many more interests than I do with my DD.

All children are individuals.

But you might have had a not girly girl? I guess you would never know as it sounds like you wouldn't have even given them the choice. I think you have damaging gender stereotypes you need to address.

We really wanted a girl too, two boys it was. I know it's an initial disappointment and you'll look forward to him being born.

My sons are so different to each other, one is very easy and loving, the other is rather harder work... Some of my friends with daughters have found their teenage years very challenging, which I can understand from the parts I've seen. I also have a friend with two very go-getting and feisty daughters and a very sweet and quiet son. So you can't generalise between sons and daughters.

I'd try not to think of losing the ideal of a very close mother-daughter relationship because it's unrealistic in many cases. No doubt you'll find inspiration for a name - we ended up naming our second with the name we vetoed for the first as we didn't like it initially. Failing that, there's always Ptolemy or Cassius....

I'm sorry you feel like this and hope you come to terms with it soon however I openly admit I never understand anyone who is desperate for a particular sex.

I have two boys and the amount of people who ask am I trying for a third to get a girl - no I'm bloody well not. We decided on two we got what we got and I love them to bits.

A friend who had two sons now says her little girl has completed their family and they love her more then anything I mean there's a way to make her two boys feel special.

So many people who desperately want a baby of either sex and don't get any and then people cry over glittery wellies...

@JanuaryPinks

Still really struggling to understand what posters mean when they say they’ve missed out on “the experience” of having a girl. You can dress a boy in glitter boots if that really means that much to you.

Have you just got boys? Or have you not got any children?

After you're gone through multiple losses and genuine pain and trauma of baby loss, these threads absolutely burn - you are utterly deranged to feel any disappointment at having a healthy baby inside you.

Maybe you should avoid threads like these if it's painful for you. The title clearly says what it is about.
People are allowed to discuss things that worry them, even if it's not the biggest problem in the world, and they should not tiptoe around you just because you had bigger problems.

*Fucking hell.

Stop reproducing if you can't handle the devastating news of a foetus with a penis ffs.*

Calm down, woman
You clearly have issues.

@JanuaryPinks

Still really struggling to understand what posters mean when they say they’ve missed out on “the experience” of having a girl. You can dress a boy in glitter boots if that really means that much to you.

yeah right, like there's no difference between boys and girls at all other than they way they are dressed.

What if you had a girl and she was like me?
Built like a shed from an early age, loathes pink and dresses, loves grubbing in the dirt with the boys, can't wear heels, no interest in spa days etc

Would that spoil your having a girl experience?

Holy crap you ladies are meant to be giving her support! What's with all these negative comments?! Absolutely should be ashamed of yourselves as fellow ladies!

Gender disappointment is a REAL thing many parents go through, more common than people even think! Try and understand that rather than bash this lady!

As for the "princess" things I have 2 girls who are into girly things, it's kind of obvious most girls are into girly things stop trying to make everything so gender fluid! It's ridiculous!

Don't worry girl, I'm hoping my 3rd and last baby is a boy and although my main concern is baby is healthy OBVIOUSLY - my heart will slightly shatter if I find out I won't get a son at all.

People need to research gender disappointment- it's a real thing.

After you're gone through multiple losses and genuine pain and trauma of baby loss, these threads absolutely burn - you are utterly deranged to feel any disappointment at having a healthy baby inside you

You can experience multiple losses - I have
Genuine pain and trauma of baby loss - I have
Fertility problems - I have

And still experience gender disappointment - I have

I am sorry for your losses, share and understand them but if a thread is causing you such anger then its probably better to avoid them.

OP is experiencing something that is quite common and normal and she can't help it. She needs support and understanding. Just as you do. But in a different way.