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Original poster

Disappointed with baby's gender and feeling low and guilty

152 replies

HarrysMummy17 · 21/01/2022 17:11

I found out at my 20 week scan today that I'm expecting DS3. I knew it would be a boy, I prepared myself for another boy but I've still been in tears most of the day.

I feel sad for the baby girl I'll never get to know. The names I'll never be able to use. The girly things I won't ever do. The dresses and pink glitter boots I can't buy. The Disney princess dvds that will remain unwatched.
Not being able to braid her hair for school. My old dolls and sylvanian families toys that are sat in my mums loft will likely never be played with. My 2 boys were never interested.
I'm not saying this boy wont/can't like stereotypical "girly" things, I'm just going on the 2 I've already got who are very boy, boys.

I'm cross with myself for feeling like this when I'm so lucky to be carrying a healthy wee boy.

We struggled so much to name the first 2, I'm sure this one will end up being christened boy as there are just no more names 😩

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caringcarer · 21/01/2022 20:56

@HarrysMummy17, save them for a grand daughter. Enjoy your son, once he is born you will love him.

1winterblues · 21/01/2022 20:57

Also as a girl I was never close with my mum and always preferred spending time with my dad who was on the same wave length as me.

Feel sad I don't have that relationship with my mum but we are complete opposites

Beowulfthethird · 21/01/2022 20:58

If it's any consolation, my DS is by far the most 'feminine' of my children.

gemloving · 21/01/2022 21:00

Harsh comments on here. It's ok to feel what you're feeling, we cannot change how we feel and it's ok. I have two boys and we do want a third child. I'm not having a third child to have a girl, before we had kids we always wanted three and that's still the case.

Will I secretly hoping for a girl? Yes. Do I think I'm going to be boy mum - yes.

You will love this child unconditionally and you know this, it won't matter and you won't even be able to imagine to have a girl. It's ok to feel sad now. Have a cry, have a sob, ask hubby for a big hug.

Imohsotired · 21/01/2022 21:01

You’re perfectly ok to feel the way you do OP and there’s no doubt your little boy will be equally as adored.

Needtogetoffmyphone · 21/01/2022 21:05

I had this reaction to my third boy. But I was so glad that the scan gave me time to get used to the idea - so I wasn’t disappointed when he was born. He’s lovely now that I know him

PJsAndRainyDays · 21/01/2022 21:08

Honestly I feel really sad for your son to be. You really shouldn't have children to fulfil your own ideals - they are actual people you know.

JanuaryPinks · 21/01/2022 21:40

@paname

Ack...it's hard OP. People are being deliberately obtuse. Boys aren't girls and they won't become adult daughters. It's perfectly ok to feel the loss of what you'd hoped to have. It doesn't mean that you won't adore having three boys. It just means you're human.
Sure boys aren’t girls and won’t grow up to be women but how does their sex affect your relationship with them, or indeed anything about them, unless you subscribe to gender stereotypes?

What is the difference, as a parent, between having a boy and having a girl?

crimblecrumbles · 21/01/2022 21:43

@PJsAndRainyDays

Honestly I feel really sad for your son to be. You really shouldn't have children to fulfil your own ideals - they are actual people you know.
That's very harsh and unhelpful. I'm sure OP will love DS3 unconditionally, but as you can see from many people on this thread, gender disappointment is common but temporary. OP is just asking for advice and support
Coffeeholix · 21/01/2022 21:47

I feel sad for the baby girl I'll never get to know.. There is no baby girl and there never was a baby girl. Be thankful for beautiful baby boy you will have.

horsesanddrywhitewine · 21/01/2022 21:52

It's easy for a lot of you to sympathise and to call people knob heads for disagreeing.

After you're gone through multiple losses and genuine pain and trauma of baby loss, these threads absolutely burn - you are utterly deranged to feel any disappointment at having a healthy baby inside you. I can't speak for those who suffer infertility because I'm very fortunate to have never suffered but I can assume that these type of threads are a kick in the guts to them as well.

As the very fortunate mother of both sexes, I can confirm my son is a lover of Disney and my daughter is a tractor groupie.

You need to seriously give your head a wobble.

NoRaceInThisHorse · 21/01/2022 21:53

I think it's fine to feel a little bit disappointed. You obviously won't care once he arrives!
As a child, I never did anything "girly" and insisted on a very short bob, no braids or fancy hairstyles anyway!

Notwithittoday · 21/01/2022 22:03

Ignore the nasty comments. I’d be very disappointed in your shoes too.
Bless you

inheritancetrack · 21/01/2022 22:15

I was the same with DS2. A horrendous sinking feeling. I would still love a girl but there will be no DC3 so no DD. DS2 though is the sweetest, cuddliest boy ever, and any day now I'll get my sylvanian families out of the loft as I'm sure he will play with them.

PJsAndRainyDays · 21/01/2022 23:32

@crimblecrumbles it'm not trying to be harsh and unhelpful I'm trying to make OP and others see sense.

I just don't get this 'I'll never get to do this... I'll never get to do that...' like children are some sort of possessions there to amuse you,

They are their own people free to be and do whatever they like and should be supported as such.

driftcompatible · 22/01/2022 04:17

You want a girl so you can watch Disney and buy pink glitter boots? Grow up. This is a human being. There's no guarantee a girl will want any of that shit. I didn't. My girl doesn't.

I hate these posts. Crying over a healthy baby. Ffs.

You should NOT have chosen to have a third if you weren't prepared for the FIFTY percent chance of a boy.

I feel sorry for your poor children.

driftcompatible · 22/01/2022 04:26

I've just scanned over some comments here and I despair.

'Some harsh replies here'
'Your feelings are understandable/valid etc'
'It is hard'
'Gender disappointment is real'
'Solidarity'

The foetus as a penis.

All this whinging, crying, etc is over a foetus having a penis and not a vagina.

Do none of you see how PATHETIC that is?! It's a healthy foetus but has a penis.

Is the worth of a child's life really based on cute names and gender normative boots?!

Fucking hell.

Stop reproducing if you can't handle the devastating news of a foetus with a penis ffs.

NewtoHolland · 22/01/2022 04:59

Sending a hug OP.
I'm pregnant with my third and not finding out gender, I have two DDs and will be chuffed with another but do have that curiosity about what it would be like to have a DS and know there will be a part of me that grieves a little for that experience if this one ends up the third member of the girl gang.
I've known lots of friends affected by this either way. One made herself quite unwell with it imagining in her head again and again that they'd tell her at another scan that they'd got it wrong or that her third DS would be born a girl. I think just naming and accepting your feelings is part of the moving on.
The only thing you are being unreasonable about is romanticising braiding girls hair. Both mine scream like banshees just about having theirs brushed!! We have all the kindest gentlest brushes, magic sprays etc!! My 3 year old will not have any bobble or clip in her hair and runs around looking like a wild scarecrow much of the time! My eldest who is 7 insists now on doing her own hair.. with very interesting results 😬😬😬.

daisyducky · 22/01/2022 05:05

Can we help with a name to help you bond with your son?

WhatIsThisPlease · 22/01/2022 07:02

Totally understand where you're coming from OP - like you say though, you've got lots of time to get used to the idea.

There are some really horrible comments on here especially @driftcompatible. You can't help how you feel and some PP are being spectacularly unhelpful and rude.

Take a few days to get over it then look forward to meeting your beautiful DS.

SoupDragon · 22/01/2022 08:00

it'm not trying to be harsh and unhelpful

But you managed it so well regardless.

All the nasty, harsh posters seem to be ignoring the bit where the OP says "I'm cross with myself for feeling like this when I'm so lucky to be carrying a healthy wee boy." She already knows.

Isonthecase · 22/01/2022 08:17

I think I'll feel the same if our third is another boy. It's partially walking past all the beautiful girls clothes in the shops when the boys section is so boring and partially having to find yet another boys name which I already know is bloody difficult. Logically I know that a girl might not wear the girls clothes once they're old enough to decide and we may we'll find girls names every bit as hard but emotionally I still have hope, silly as it may be.

At the moment all you know about your baby is their gender, once they're here and you get to know them they'll be so much more and you'll just be thrilled they're them.

LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith · 22/01/2022 08:32

OP I think you've been refreshingly honest about your feelings and actually most mothers in your position would feel the same!
I hope that you're processing this now, have stopped feeling like crying today and are ready to move on with looking forward to the arrival of lovely DS3.
A name will come to you - are the others old enough to help with it? If they are, their enthusiasm for the task will help you to feel a hundred times better x

mummyh2016 · 22/01/2022 08:36

@driftcompatible

I've just scanned over some comments here and I despair.

'Some harsh replies here'
'Your feelings are understandable/valid etc'
'It is hard'
'Gender disappointment is real'
'Solidarity'

The foetus as a penis.

All this whinging, crying, etc is over a foetus having a penis and not a vagina.

Do none of you see how PATHETIC that is?! It's a healthy foetus but has a penis.

Is the worth of a child's life really based on cute names and gender normative boots?!

Fucking hell.

Stop reproducing if you can't handle the devastating news of a foetus with a penis ffs.

Where has she said she can't handle it? Or have you decided to post on a thread that you haven't read?
LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith · 22/01/2022 08:37

@driftcompatible

I've just scanned over some comments here and I despair.

'Some harsh replies here'
'Your feelings are understandable/valid etc'
'It is hard'
'Gender disappointment is real'
'Solidarity'

The foetus as a penis.

All this whinging, crying, etc is over a foetus having a penis and not a vagina.

Do none of you see how PATHETIC that is?! It's a healthy foetus but has a penis.

Is the worth of a child's life really based on cute names and gender normative boots?!

Fucking hell.

Stop reproducing if you can't handle the devastating news of a foetus with a penis ffs.

Stop reading threads if you can't handle people being honest about their emotions!

The OP is having a wobble FFS. She has come on here for a bit of support so she can move on.
She knows that the baby is healthy and that she is lucky - but she is allowed to indulge that bit of herself that dreamed of one day having a girl. You don't have to join in if you don't want to.