Disappointed with baby's gender and feeling low and guilty

[HarrysMummy17]

I found out at my 20 week scan today that I'm expecting DS3. I knew it would be a boy, I prepared myself for another boy but I've still been in tears most of the day.

I feel sad for the baby girl I'll never get to know. The names I'll never be able to use. The girly things I won't ever do. The dresses and pink glitter boots I can't buy. The Disney princess dvds that will remain unwatched.
Not being able to braid her hair for school. My old dolls and sylvanian families toys that are sat in my mums loft will likely never be played with. My 2 boys were never interested.
I'm not saying this boy wont/can't like stereotypical "girly" things, I'm just going on the 2 I've already got who are very boy, boys.

I'm cross with myself for feeling like this when I'm so lucky to be carrying a healthy wee boy.

We struggled so much to name the first 2, I'm sure this one will end up being christened boy as there are just no more names 😩

I feel sad for the baby girl I'll never get to know. The names I'll never be able to use. The girly things I won't ever do. The dresses and pink glitter boots I can't buy. The Disney princess dvds that will remain unwatched.
Not being able to braid her hair for school.

WTF?

My daughter so far loves the stereotypical "boy" same stuff her big brother did when he was younger. It's so weird as it's not things he's into now, it's her interests. She does have a "baby" which DS didn't, but DS loved a dolls pushchair.

But OP YANBU because you fee what you feel. We all imagine our kids to be a certain way.

@Focus126 what do you think are the differences? Genuine question. I have one child of each sex and the only differences are down to personality, not genitalia. If anything, my son is more typically “feminine”, my daughter is more typically “masculine”, if you believe in all that stereotyped crap.

I consider myself a feminist and hate gender stereotyping but we cannot, in my opinion, refute the fact that males and females are very much different. Girls may love mud and diggers and dinosaurs but they will still have to come to terms with their sex and everything that brings with it. As will boys.

I always think about the fact that the egg that made my daughter was already inside me when I was in my mother’s womb, and so on back through the generations. I knew I was only having one child. I would have been overjoyed with either sex. But I’m very glad I had a girl as I understand females more than I’ll ever understand males.

The experience of having a boy v a girl is different but the biggest factor of the parenting experience is the child's personality not what sex they are, but fair game to feel a bit disappointed.

It's this that sounds so silly and reductive: The dresses and pink glitter boots I can't buy. The Disney princess dvds. Anecdotally, younger girl siblings of two or more older brothers often resent the mother's expectations of them as a girly girl. I've seen it cause lots of issues in families where mum finally had a princes girl only the girl was a tom boy not wanting to fit in with their mum's frilly expectations.

As a few others have said, being disappointed that you are closing the door on having a girl is completely different to being disappointed you are having a boy!!

For the toys - if DS3 doesn't want them you either give them to a niece or keep them for grandkids.

For the names, start a thread in baby names now! We had two of one sex and then a third of the other. I had the same feeling of dread when picking the third name. It is tough.

Not read all comments but completely understand why you'd feel that way. Don't let any unhelpful nasty comments get you down.
You know when baby arrives you'll love them deeply. You're only human, experiencing human emotion of disappointment xx

@Enaff

The experience of having a boy v a girl is different but the biggest factor of the parenting experience is the child's personality not what sex they are, but fair game to feel a bit disappointed.

It's this that sounds so silly and reductive: The dresses and pink glitter boots I can't buy. The Disney princess dvds. Anecdotally, younger girl siblings of two or more older brothers often resent the mother's expectations of them as a girly girl. I've seen it cause lots of issues in families where mum finally had a princes girl only the girl was a tom boy not wanting to fit in with their mum's frilly expectations.

So happened to my MIL after 3 boys, number 4 was a girl. She was a total Tom boy, hated all her attempts to turn her into a princess . She is a now Manual worker in a traditionally mens industry, is unmarried, hasn't had kids herself. Has long hair which is lovely but not at all girly.

MIL makes comments about my DDs clothing too. I do dress DD in feminine colours mostly as pastels suit her colouring, but I buy joggers not dresses as are active and outdoor people.

Both my boy and my girl have liked animal toys especially between 1-2 years.

I was a girl would have refused to do almost everything on your list.
I do get it though when I was pregnant I had repeated really really vivid dreams about my baby being a girl, I was imagining teaching her she could do/be anything, supporting her to navigate the drip drip of misogyny and not let it change who she wanted to be. Having despaired seeing my DNs who are told things like no you can't play football that's for boys, having nails done at 3/4 years old getting make up kits before they've even started primary school, everything is about being a princess etc. Then had a scan and found out I was having a boy. It was almost like shock.
DS is amazing, he's loving and tactile always looking for a cuddle, he loves to dance and sing and dress up, he's obsessed with glitter as well as dinosaurs and space. I've also recognised as much as it would've been my role to raise a strong female, it's also my role to raise a male, who recognises his own privilege (white, male, comfortable up bringing) and just keeps the character he has now, that's open, warm, fun loving and caring and for him to realise that being male doesn't have to put him in a box either.

I’m sorry you feel this way. I did feel a bit shocked when I found out I was having my third boy. I did already have a girl and was hoping she’d have a sister.

However my boys are wonderful - easy going, caring. My daughter never wanted to do any of the things you describe, and as a young adult she has caused us no end of heartbreak.

It’s better you know now, and can get over the disappointment, and be ready to love your son when he is born.

We can’t use gender to predict anything about our children. We just have to love and enjoy them, and appreciate how lucky we are to have them.

I get it, it’s a kind of grief for a dream you may have had all your life. Pregnancy hormones do not make it easier to process! The main thing that will help is meeting your baby and that’s a while away, but it will help when he’s here. There are more supportive groups on Facebook for gender disappointment where you can vent without being judged. Go easy on yourself and let time be a healer x

I get it!! I have two daughters and now pregnant with a boy. I was honestly hoping for another girl because I know what I'm doing and it was a shock I had to front when we were told boy. Still he'll be here in four weeks and so excited to see him.

What are your boys called? The style of names might help us to suggest similar? @HarrysMummy17

Ignore the nasty comments.

Why women feel the need to be unkind to a fellow women who is suffering, I can’t understand.

You have been honest with the way you are feeling. You probably can’t discuss it in real life with anyone.
Believe me there are people who understand.
You will love your son and be a great mum to him I’m sure but at the moment you are mourning the daughter you will never have. Acknowledge that, then try and move on positively.

You will feel better when the baby arrives. You may feel a pang of disappointment now and then but once you get to know your new little son everything will fall into place.

I felt like this with DS2, knowing that we were only having two children. I found out at 20 weeks deliberately so that I would have time to come to terms with this before the birth. And I did come to terms with it and I wouldn’t change DS2 for the world now. I do occasionally have pangs of disappointment over the fact I won’t ever have a mother/daughter relationship, but that’s life and I don’t dwell on it.

It's completely not true that you can't have gender disappointment after a loss. My DC1 was a DD but sadly she died. DC2 and DC3 were DSs so I did feel disappointed when we found out DS2 was a boy, because I felt that we were meant to have a DD. However, when DS2 arrived I had had time to come to terms with not having another DD and was over the moon to meet him. I'm very glad I found out the sex before he arrived so I could have time to get used to it. I love seeing my DSs playing together now and think it's wonderful for them to be a pair of brothers.

But I still do feel sad for the future: my DB is totally crap at staying in touch with my parents, whereas DH and I made a decision to move closer to my parents when we were planning to have children. And all grandparents in my extended family see their DD's children more than their DSs children. I know it's not always the case, but it will take more luck in the future to be close to DSs and their families, than if we still had our DD.

How are you doing @HarrysMummy17

@Smogtopia
Thank you for asking. My doing great. My beautiful wee boy was born 4 weeks early on 7th May. We struggled with a name for him for over a week but I'm sooo glad he's a boy. I couldn't imagine him as a girl.

@thewindbeneathmywings That's great news, I'm so happy for you. 99% of people I've seen in this position stop feeling disappointed once baby is born. I know I did and I'd never wish my son away for a different child now I've met him. Gender scans are a double edged sword because they help you prepare for the gender you are having and process the disappointment, but I believe they also heighten the disappointment because you don't have your beautiful squishy baby to hold and help you remember all babies are miracles. And it's a long 20 weeks to get through before the birth!

I'm still thinking about having number 3 though and I'd never have considered it before! But our second was IVF and we have frozen embryos. Life is weird the way it turns out. Not everyone gets what they want and sometimes you want things really badly and still don't get them 💐 that doesn't make you a bad person x x

To the judgy people on here too, you should judge the people who make nasty comments about having all the same gender, not the poor person suffering from pain, guilt and disappointment.

I had some really unhelpful comments when I was pregnant - "Oh poor strawflower, she'll be completely outnumbered", "oh your husband couldn't give you a daughter, huh?", "You'll never know love until you have a daughter". It's complete bullshit. I'm on the other side cuddling my beautiful baby boy but there's still a little hole in my heart which could take years or never really totally heal...

Dust off the Sylvanian family toys out your loft, and watch your boys get stuck in. They can play with toys of any sort. Please don't get sucked into stereotypes!

Oh dear x

I’m sure once you have him in your arms you wouldn’t want him to be any different

I have only 2, both boys and if we’d had a third I’d have liked another one. I’m lazy and tight and think them all being the same sex might be easier and cheaper

I know at least two families who stopped after they had one of the opposite sex (girl) after having three (boys). Family complete. No need to have anymore. A girl makes the family complete.

Why would you assume a girl would like anything you have named? Maybe she would love dinosaurs, the colour green, hate pink, love gumboots and be completely disinterested in Sylvania families. You seem to have very fixed ideas on what a girl would be like that would not necessarily match the reality.

This!! I'm sort of in the same position as I have two boys and am pregnant with our third and last. If this is a boy i will be happy as long as they are healthy but will be a bit gutted I won't experience having a girl. I love the relationship I have with my mum and would love to have a daughter but who knows. Congratulations and give yourself time, be kind to yourself xx

Musing.

I do wonder if the gender disappointment phenomenon is partly caused by being able to find out the sex before birth.

When sex is one of the only things we know about our future baby it’s so easy to fixate on it and give it larger importance than it actually has. You can end up building this whole picture of who your child will be based purely on their sex. As many PP have said this picture may be totally inaccurate (and can even be harmful if you try to make your child conform to it).

If we didn’t find out the sex till we have an actual baby in our arms, I wonder if there would be less gender disappointment? Not none perhaps, but less.

Anyway OP I think you’ve dodged a bullet in a way, you won’t be expecting a pink glittery girl and then be disappointed when she likes green, dragons and Minecraft !!

As a PP said, can we help with names? I like Leo, Dominic, Felix, Robin, Max for boys.