Disappointed with baby's gender and feeling low and guilty

[HarrysMummy17]

I found out at my 20 week scan today that I'm expecting DS3. I knew it would be a boy, I prepared myself for another boy but I've still been in tears most of the day.

I feel sad for the baby girl I'll never get to know. The names I'll never be able to use. The girly things I won't ever do. The dresses and pink glitter boots I can't buy. The Disney princess dvds that will remain unwatched.
Not being able to braid her hair for school. My old dolls and sylvanian families toys that are sat in my mums loft will likely never be played with. My 2 boys were never interested.
I'm not saying this boy wont/can't like stereotypical "girly" things, I'm just going on the 2 I've already got who are very boy, boys.

I'm cross with myself for feeling like this when I'm so lucky to be carrying a healthy wee boy.

We struggled so much to name the first 2, I'm sure this one will end up being christened boy as there are just no more names 😩

Thanks for all the positivity. Once we figure out a name I'm sure I'll feel better about it.

I know there are so many positives to having a 3rd boy. I've got 9 bags of baby clothes from the first 2 up to the age of 2 so I won't need to buy a thing for ages!

I have an eldest girl followed by 3 boys. I'm not quite in the same position as you as I do have a DD but she has a different Dad so when I was having DS3 I was still hoping he might be a girl just because I thought it would be nice for DH and I was curious what a girl of ours would be like.

Many years on it really matters not a jot and DS3 turned out to be quite different to his older brothers. Loved Disney Princess and had a much loved dollhouse. Now as a teen he's a brilliant companion for a day out and my No.1 fashion and home decor advisor (art is his big passion).

So allow yourself a few days to mope about the 'what ifs' then put preconceptions of what the future will be like to one side and don't give those toys away just yet.

I'm a girl, hated girlie things. Played football, had only male friends, never played with Barbies or watched princess movies. I think you've conjured up this perfect little girl in your mind but realistically, a little girl might've turned out just like her brothers but maybe this little boy will enjoy a princess movie?

My DS is 18 months and adores his dolly but also cars and vans. Interests are not gender based🤷🏼‍♀️
I'm sure when your little boy is here you will be smitten.

@Doifollowrule

Gosh aren't people nobheads?! I was exactly the same after my last 20 week scan, but didn't feel like I could say anything. Went to the toilet and sobbed for what I can't have. It's fine to feel sad and acknowledge it, but it's really hard for people who can't have them or have suffered losses to read, so I'd recommend finding a trusted friend or someone in the same situation. My third boy is nearly 2 now and I love him as he is but I am still sad that I'll never have a girl. I have a great relationship with my mum and I wanted to replicate it. My relationship with my two older boys is pretty good though, so maybe there isn't a huge difference, but you're right, you'll never be mother of the bride and might not be the "primary" grandma etc, but it's all so far in the future. I'd suggest doing what I did and remember a the things you've enjoyed so far and think how much fun they'll be to do again.

It'll be ok. Being a mum of boys is awesome and you already know it!

This is a lovely post OP ..... hope it brings you some comfort..... of course you are allowed to be disappointed ..,.. I had boy, girl, boy and would have preferred my 3rd to be another girl at the time....but it is what is is..,.and once they are here, we love them for being them...hope rest of your pregnancy goes well

I felt like this after having all boys, love them to bits but will always miss that mother/daughter dynamic I won't have. It is what it is, let yourself have this moment, as you know when he comes you'll love him completely but you're allowed to feel a bit sad now. His name will come to you xxx

You're not ridiculous at all.
I think many people feel like that when having more than 2 children of the same sex. I spoke to a friend last week who has just found out she is having her third girl and she feels the same.
I think generally we assume that if we're having more than 2 children we're likely to have boys and girls amongst the mix and therefore it's a little disappointing to those who'd like to experience parenting both boys and girls.
But I'm sure as soon as he arrives you'll feel much better. Good luck and post on the baby names board - we'll help you find the perfect name!

Sorry you're feeling rubbish OP. I don't think you need to be hard on yourself for being disappointed. Pregnancy hormones are probably rearing their ugly head too. I'm sure you wouldn't change him for the world when he is here. But it's only natural to think of the what ifs. I recently found out I'm having DD2 when initially I would have loved one of each. I think I was mainly sad for DH being outnumbered and I knew how much he would have loved a son. I'm happy now I have got my head round it and wouldn't change. It's raw for you now but when it has sunk in and you think of your little boy you will feel better. Think of the amazing bond those 3 boys will have for life and 3 boys looking after their mum ❤️

I would have liked to have had a daughter but now I our third boy is here he has slotted in so perfectly I can’t imagine anything different. Naming him was also so hard! In the end DS1 picked the name 🤣

Also my sylvanian families are safely back in my loft after I let DS1 and DS2 play with them-they broke the porch on my mansion… back into storage incase of granddaughters! I might let DS3 have a shot. They do like playing with my My Little Pony collection though.

There's a psychologist on Instagram called @thegdpsychologist who specialises in gender disappointment - it's a real thing and maybe have a look at her page for some ideas and solidarity

To add to @Doifollowrule post. MIL is 'primary' grandma to my DC and the only other person besides DH that I implicitly trust with my DC. I believe in that department you reap what you sow.

@OvaHere

Many years on it really matters not a jot and DS3 turned out to be quite different to his older brothers. Loved Disney Princess and had a much loved dollhouse. Now as a teen he's a brilliant companion for a day out and my No.1 fashion and home decor advisor (art is his big passion).

So allow yourself a few days to mope about the 'what ifs' then put preconceptions of what the future will be like to one side and don't give those toys away just yet.
^^^^

This boys are so loving.
I know several lovely who's daughters barely speak ti them but whose sons have a great relationship with their mums- go figure

@ritalinda

There's a psychologist on Instagram called *@thegdpsychologist* who specialises in gender disappointment - it's a real thing and maybe have a look at her page for some ideas and solidarity

Thank you, I'll have a look

@Santahasjoinedww

I had a dd then 5 ds's!! Scan showed dc 7was a dd! We were all ecstatic - especially dd. Another ds arrived.. That ds was 18 yesterday

And absolute joy since the day he was born!.
Unlike the dd's x 2 that followed!

Wow, you've got 9 kids?

I'm in a slightly different position. I have a 17 month old boy and I'm due at the end of February with a girl.

I'm nervous to have a girl because of all the male violence and misogyny in the world.

Thinking of ways how to protect her keeps me awake at night.

[quote WhoppingBigBackside]@Ionlydomassiveones, try growing up the daughter of parents who only wanted a boy.[/quote]
^ This.

My DM was my grandmother’s second baby - the first one was a boy and was stillborn. She wasn’t wanted and was always made to feel that she was a huge disappointment to her mother

11 actually.. Had 2 more ds's after the dd's!!
If I had had a run of dd's I never would have gotten to so many!!

My son has rainbow glitter wellies, why can't a boy wear them?

My mum wanted girls and had two. My sister refused to wear a dress until she was 15 and I was far too into books and animals to care about pink glittery boots. Plus I’m covered in dirt in most childhood photos .

Honestly OP, there’s no way of knowing whether a daughter would have enjoyed stereotypically girly activities with you… or that your next son won’t love a good Disney princess film.

Take some time to feel sad then get back to looking forward to welcoming your lovely new baby into the family .

Ack...it's hard OP. People are being deliberately obtuse. Boys aren't girls and they won't become adult daughters. It's perfectly ok to feel the loss of what you'd hoped to have. It doesn't mean that you won't adore having three boys. It just means you're human.

Mum of 2 DS here, although I obviously love them and wouldn't change them for anything, now as they get older and are often off doing football or watching it I do sometimes feel a pang and wonder if having a girl would mean we were closer and had more in common.

But then I give myself a little shake and remind myself that nothing is guaranteed about how your child turns out, boy or girl, and better to count your blessings rather than mourn what could have been. Plus as previous posters have said, having them all the same has been so much easier in terms of clothes and similar interests!

Congratulations OP

Don’t be ashamed of your feelings. Perfectly natural.

And let your two sons name the new baby.

#Brave

As the mother of a daughter, I think your view is very stereotypical and warped.

I can assure you now, my 2 yo won't let me near her with a brush without a tantrum, much less let me plait her hair. She plays with dinosaurs and vehicles. She will not touch 'girly toys' like dolls and prams. She does not often wear dresses because she is so feral it's impractical to even put them on her. I will probably never experience any of the things you appear to believe come with girls.

I have a daughter and 2 sons. My daughter would be appalled did I suggested any of the things you think a daughter would want to do.

I also remember a colleague with 3 sons who felt she missed all those things. She wanted to go shopping with her teenage daughter. Nothing on God's earth would have persuaded me as a teenager to do that with my mum...

I understand feeling sad about imaginary dreams of what might be with your child, but there are no guarantees of what/how any of them will be. I hope your third child brings you unexpected happiness and you can treasure him in the way he deserves.

My 3rd boy is a ballet dancer and when I bought home a toy work bench for him when he was 3 he asked for a kitchen.
It's OK to feel like you do but they are all different so he will be lots of fun im sure.

Sending you a hug as I get how your feeling.

But try and nurture your relationship with your boys. There are lots of things you can't do with boys but lots you can do, plus hopefully they will have future girl friends you can bond with.

My two boys are like chalk and cheese.

Eldest loved clothes, shopping, fashion and music, art and crafts and sport. Always comes shopping with me and now has a lovely girlfriend

Youngest is my tv mate, we watch films snd game shows together ( even Disney ones), play Lego, and generally loved chocolate and cuddles. I love dressing him up in cute outfits and he lets me. And best of all he Loves baking with me