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Original poster

Is gender disappointment a thing?

129 replies

caz198917 · 27/09/2021 13:46

Hi all!

I'm only 4 weeks pregnant and know I am getting way ahead of myself.

I already have a 4 year old son and at the time of pregnancy I really wanted a girl. I love my son to bits and can't imagine being without him yet. (We didn't know gender until birth)

I cant help but desperately feel I want a girl this time round. This will be our last baby and I will feel so sad at the thought of never having a daughter.

I know it's ridiculous in the grand scheme of things and I should be happy with a healthy baby,

Can anyone share any stories?

Thanks 😊

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Wellonlyifihaveto · 27/09/2021 13:48

These threads never go well. You’ve got months to get over yourself Biscuit

SylvanasWindrunner · 27/09/2021 13:52

It is, but it's very taboo and I've seen threads on here about it turn quite nasty. But yes, I think a lot of people naturally do have a preference for one or the other at least at some point - not necessarily for stereotypical reasons, but for a variety of reasons, some of which are quite complex. It goes without saying that most people's overriding desire is a healthy child, so let's pre-empt that before all the posts stating that. But I don't think sex preference is something you can control necessarily; it's just that no one likes to admit it's a thing.

I personally wanted a girl, although I didn't voice that aloud at any point as I didn't want anyone thinking I would be 'disappointed' if the baby was a boy. It turned out she was a girl, but when she was born she stopped being 'a girl' and was just her own person, my baby, and it seemed very unimportant then, and if she had been a boy, I would have been just as delighted when he arrived. So I think that when you're pregnant it's quite common to envisage your life or your baby a certain way because it's a long old process and your mind naturally wants to think of the future and create a picture of what it'll be like.

Willow19C · 27/09/2021 13:55

I don't personally understand why you would want one sex of baby over another. I don't understand what would be different about having a little girl instead of a little boy.
Not to be nasty, just genuinely wondering what would be different?

I have a daughter. I thought I was having a boy and had lovely dreams about having a little boy. I kept the sex a surprise for birth and I was thrilled to be handed my daughter, but couldn't have cared less what she was.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 27/09/2021 13:59

You will be told several times it’s sex not gender

You will be told you are not alone

You will be blasted

Some people who can’t have or who have lost children will also let you know they find it offensive and they’d give anything to be a parent of any child of any sex

None of those change a thing for you if you are feeling this way. If you are hopefully you will come to terms with this and manage those feelings before the arrival of your baby which will hopefully be a safe, healthy and happy occasion regardless of their sex.

IamJuliaJohnson · 27/09/2021 14:03

I empathise. I have two boys and wouldn’t change them for the world, but through my second pregnancy I had a strong feeling that I wanted a girl. I found it helped not to find out the sex in utero, and when he was born I lifted him out of the pool and was the first person in the world to know what he was. That was magical (compared with my first birth which was forceps and I was told he was a boy).

Ionlydomassiveones · 27/09/2021 14:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 27/09/2021 14:09

Would you rather have a healthy boy or an unhealthy girl? The answer to that should help get you back on track. Finding out the sex beforehand will also allow you to get used to the 'reality.'

NightVinca · 27/09/2021 14:10

I think it's probably fairly common for people to have a preference. As long as you are not still wishing they were the other sex once they arrive it's ok

SheWoreYellow · 27/09/2021 14:11

Might be a good idea to find out the sex this time, so you can get your head around it. Smile

SuperstarDog · 27/09/2021 14:17

Unless you believe in gendered toys, colours, activities, roles etc then it doesn’t make any difference. If you do believe in all that, then I’d try to address that before the birth as it can be very harmful to all concerned.

LittleLottieChaos · 27/09/2021 14:20

I’m pregnant with my second, it’s a boy and I have one boy already. Someone asked me the gender, I told them and they asked ‘are you happy about it?’... I am so so happy to be having another boy. Definitely find out beforehand so you can get your head around it?

Also several people said to me ‘I hope it’s a girl’ before we found out… did not find that particularly useful, implying that a boy would be disappointing to them. The people that said this don’t have kids so don’t actually get it at all. I think they have the ‘oh it’ll wear dresses and be a mini me’ notion of little girls… which personally holds no interest for me.

Evesgarden · 27/09/2021 14:29

Yes! I work in ultrasound and I see it all the time. Most people who are like this want a girl as for some reason girls are the golden chalice of babies.

A lady come in and was telling me she had GD - I actually thought she was talking about girdle hip dysplasia and was going to help her get on the bed. But no, its was Gender disappointment she was referring to. I think some people with its a recognised mental health illness Hmm

Willow19C · 27/09/2021 14:29

@Ionlydomassiveones

“I don't understand what would be different about having a little girl instead of a little boy. Not to be nasty, just genuinely wondering what would be different?”

Just look at all the DIL/MIL threads.

Sorry, I don't understand what you mean?
forestlovr · 27/09/2021 14:29

I think you need to work through these feelings because it's not healthy to have gender preferences. Boy or girl it doesn't really matter unless you're deciding to parent them with rigid gender roles. Is there anything specific that you think you're actually going to miss out on if you have another boy?

MissMaple82 · 27/09/2021 14:30

It is a real thing and the judgemental twats are the ones that need get a grip. I hope you get the girl you want OP

forestlovr · 27/09/2021 14:31

@MissMaple82

It is a real thing and the judgemental twats are the ones that need get a grip. I hope you get the girl you want OP
Actually the people with gender preferences need to get a grip. Why have a child if you're going to be disappointed by there gender? That's really unhealthy.
Willow19C · 27/09/2021 14:35

@MissMaple82

It is a real thing and the judgemental twats are the ones that need get a grip. I hope you get the girl you want OP
You have a 50/50 chance of having a boy or girl. Not really judgemental, just a load of realistic people that have pointed out that OP could well have a boy.
Itsbeen84yearss · 27/09/2021 14:36

I desperately wanted a girl first time around. I then wanted a second girl almost as desperately because I loved the idea of sisters. I would definitely have been disappointed with a boy. As it turned out I had girls both times. However, as I’ve got older I’ve come to realise the world is not a great place for women. In fact it’s a downright dangerous place for women and a lot of women’s ‘lot’ in life ends up being shit. I think I would have less worry if I had boys

BlusteryLake · 27/09/2021 14:38

Yes it's definitely a real emotion. What depresses me on MN is that all the gender disappointment threads are about not wanting boys.

OverTheWater · 27/09/2021 14:44

These feelings are very real but also can change.

In my first trimester I very much wanted a girl, I have a ds already.

As my pregnancy has progressed (now 30 weeks) I have stopped caring - I feel very close to the little creature inside me and would be very happy either way.

Itsbeen84yearss · 27/09/2021 14:46

@BlusteryLake

Yes it's definitely a real emotion. What depresses me on MN is that all the gender disappointment threads are about not wanting boys.
If you look at the amount of women posting here with terrible and sometimes terrifying experiences of men, I don’t think it’s that much of a shocker not to want one and to feel more comfortable with your own sex
ohihateithere · 27/09/2021 14:50

@caz198917 I feel you. I already have a boy and a girl but we have so many boys in our family I'm desperate to give DD a sister. I think I will be a little bit gutted if it's a boy. (As mean as that sounds)

I grew up with all boys and all I ever wanted was a sister, so I would hate that for her.

forestlovr · 27/09/2021 14:51

@Itsbeen84yearss That's a bit of a weird observation, if someone is scared of men why would they have a sexual relationship with one - create a baby and then not want a son? I'm not sure that makes sense tbh

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/09/2021 14:51

I’m sure you know it is a thing.

9/10 people want a girl on here if they’re worrying in advance or disappointed when finding out.

If people don’t think they’ll be as happy to give birth to a child that has a penis as a vagina I think it’s a pretty big risk to get pregnant at all. There’s a 50/50 chance each time and it’s very unfair to any child to bring it into the world as a disappointment.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/09/2021 14:52

If you look at the amount of women posting here with terrible and sometimes terrifying experiences of men, I don’t think it’s that much of a shocker not to want one and to feel more comfortable with your own sex

How are all of these women getting pregnant?