Is gender disappointment a thing?

[caz198917]

Hi all!

I'm only 4 weeks pregnant and know I am getting way ahead of myself.

I already have a 4 year old son and at the time of pregnancy I really wanted a girl. I love my son to bits and can't imagine being without him yet. (We didn't know gender until birth)

I cant help but desperately feel I want a girl this time round. This will be our last baby and I will feel so sad at the thought of never having a daughter.

I know it's ridiculous in the grand scheme of things and I should be happy with a healthy baby,

Can anyone share any stories?

Thanks 😊

I always feel just as sorry for the children who were born the 'correct' sex for their parents preference as I do for the children who are a disappointment before they arrive. It makes me wonder what stereotypes are going on in those families.

Your child and your relationship with them isn't defined by their sex.

[quote pumpkinpie01]@Ionlydomassiveones I would say the difference between having a son or daughter when they are young is negligible. However I feel there is a difference between having a son or daughter in the older teenage years /adulthood - spa days /shopping trips /pamper evenings - different dynamics and interests than boys . I know I'm generalising . [/quote]
That's exactly my thoughts. It's the adult relationship I would miss. I am very close to my mum where as my bothers couldn't care and are wrapped up their wife's families xx

Yes! It's definitely a thing. I soooo wanted another boy, for a girl, but now love it! Whatever you have it will work out for the best!

Got not for

@caz198917 I understand what you mean however you can create the family dynamic you want! My brother is SO close to my mum, he loves doing things with her and they have great days out together (he's 21). Don't be discouraged by seeing other people's relationships with their adult sons, yours doesn't have to be like that!

These threads never go well.

OP I wanted two boys. I didn't find out the sex either time as I needed to see and hold my baby before finding out it was a girl. At 20 weeks I just wasn't bonded enough to know. When my baby was born I knew I wouldn't care what sex it was, it would be my baby.

Baby 1 was a boy and I was over the moon. I'd got to use the special boy name I'd wanted to use for years.

For baby 2 I had another special boys name all picked out. I was so ready to meet son number 2 ... I'm sure it's no spoiler to say she's a girl. The moment my husband said it's a girl I was in love. In that second I didn't matter that she wasn't the boy I'd wanted.

I did have to grieve not having the family I'd wanted, but I adore the family I have.

Well i have 2 DDs and currently pregnant with a boy
When breaking the news my FIL said " amazing, now you will be a real mother"

Pandering to the gender stereotypes just reinforces them, your children are who they are, regardless

This thing is, OP, having a girl is no guarantee of the same relationship that you have with your own mum. Would you be more disappointed if you had a girl and your relationship was not as you had imagined it, or if you had a boy with no such expectations?

**‘That's exactly my thoughts. It's the adult relationship I would miss. I am very close to my mum where as my bothers couldn't care and are wrapped up their wife's families’

But OP are you saying then that if you do have a girl you will be ok with your DS not being close to you when you are older? That you expect him to be involved in his wife’s family and not you. That you don’t think he will care about you??

I completely understand wanting a mother-daughter relationship. However aren’t you planning on nurturing your relationship with your son too? In which case if you did have another boy you would nurture that relationship too?

I’m sure it’s not the case but it feels a bit like you are saying if you have a daughter you are sort of happy to write your DS off and assume you won’t be close??

@SummerInSun

Felt exactly like you. Had one DS, loved him to bits, would have liked a girl second time around. Tested early and found out at 13 weeks that my second would be a boy. My DH and I were a bit disappointed but once he was born that disappeared completely. DS2 is now 4 and I can't imagine anything other than my two awesome little boys.

So it's real, and it's fine, and it will disappear.

Thank you! I know I will be fine once baby is born. I just can't seem to shift this feeling xxx

I grew up with all boys and all I ever wanted was a sister, so I would hate that for her.

I only have a sister. I spent my childhood longing for a brother. I'm not particularly close to my sister, we get on well but aren't best friends.

If you look at the amount of women posting here with terrible and sometimes terrifying experiences of men, I don’t think it’s that much of a shocker not to want one and to feel more comfortable with your own sex

Sorry this is utter rubbish.

The reasons most people want a girl is -

They feel the clothes are better/cuter
They can have a mini version of themselves
Girls are supposed to be easier/better behaved/cuter
Names are prettier
Nurseries are cuter

I see it every day. No one single person has ever said ' I dont want a boy because I would feel safer with my own sex.

The adult relationship of mother and son to mother and daughter as adult children is very different

@caz198917. It doesn't have to be. I'm close to my mum but my sister isn't. However, my sister's husband is one of three brothers and they are all incredibly close to their Mum and Dad.

@BlusteryLake

Yes it's definitely a real emotion. What depresses me on MN is that all the gender disappointment threads are about not wanting boys.

You know, I don’t think that is a big problem. All over the world baby girls are unwanted, treated as lesser or even killed or aborted because of being female.

A few women in this country thinking it would be lovely to have a girl and being a bit disappointed if not, hardly weighs in on the scale of the global oppression of women. (It’s a pretty recent phenomenon to prefer girls, too.) They’re hardly going and aborting male babies or exposing them at birth, are they? It’s not stopping men and boys earning more and getting better opportunities either, is it?

If anything, it shows that women on MN value women and their little girls very highly, and aren’t culturally conditioned to feel like only sons matter or are a viable economic prospect. I can’t get wound up about that tbh.

Just to throw another one in the mix. I absolutely don't mind boy or girl- I just want a living child after 7 years of infertility. But what did cross my mind once is that my husband has a terrible dad. This man is a real stereotype and would never hug, cuddle or hold his children. His mum is nice but still as a 'man' my husband stopped having cuddles when he was 3-ish. My partner is very different but I do notice that physically he can still be quite withdrawn. I have worried that with a boy he may fall into the same pattern (of course to a lesser extent) whereas with a girl it may be easier to have a closer bond.

These days you don't have a thing to worry about. If your baby has a penis, just tell everyone it's a girl called Jennifer. Nobody will dare argue.

@2bazookas

These days you don't have a thing to worry about. If your baby has a penis, just tell everyone it's a girl called Jennifer. Nobody will dare argue.

🤣

Oof OP you’re brave posting this, it can turn very nasty!
It’s absolutely a thing! Me and my mum have always had the most amazing relationship and I’ve always wanted to have the same with my own daughter. Yes I know you can have brilliant relationships with sons, but a woman/woman relationship is different. I always envisioned days watching princess movies, going shopping, getting our nails done etc.
Before I get crucified, if said girl wanted to play with trucks and go watch football with her dad then I won’t be standing in the way of that! People flap on about gender conforming like it’s terrible to dress a girl in pink and a boy in blue. Personally I love this, it doesn’t mean they’ll grow up believing their sex defines them as a person. People that raise their children gender neutral cause more harm and confusion IMO.

Anyway, for this reason I did have a preference for a girl. We didn’t find out what we were having when I was pregnant. I think I found this easier because as soon as you are handed your baby once it’s born, you couldn’t give a toss if it were a boy or girl! You are so in love with this new little human that it just doesn’t matter!
If I already had a baby of one sex, I think it’s only natural to want one of the other and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Probably do the same thing again and not find out OP but don’t be hard on yourself for having a preference that you are completely entitled to.

I think a degree of mild disappointment can be expected when any situation narrows down from having multiple possibilities to one definite outcome. It's often not so much to do with feeling dissatisfied with that outcome, but more the need to accept that the other possibilities won't be happening.

But, it's important to remember what really matters here, which is a healthy and happy child. Does their biological sex matter more than that? If it doesn't, then I think you'll be fine. It might help to find out the sex in advance so that you can process the outcome and start bonding with your baby as who they are, in advance of them being born.

As I'm sure has already been mentioned, having a child of a particular sex doesn't mean they'll definitely have interests or personality traits stereotypically associated with that sex. For example, growing up I liked football, dinosaurs, outdoor adventures, etc and I've never been a fan of princess stories or spa days. Whatever sex they are, your child will be their own person and you will love them as they are.

I've got two boys when I was preggo with my first someone said I think you'll have a girl she'd be a really pretty girl, I think it was supposed to be a compliment but it didn't feel like it! With my second I had an aunt of my husband ask if I was happy having another boy! I said rather bluntly yes we decided we'd like another child and we've been blessed with another one! My eldest was nearly 2.5 and was sure we were having a boy and desperately wanted it to be a boy and said we should call him boy! So in a way I was glad to have two boys as I think it was easier for my eldest, although I wouldn't have actually minded either way.

It's definitely a thing and I think it's fairly normal to have a "preference" simply because having a baby is a scary thing so sometimes people want the sex they think they understand/relate to better - so sometimes men initially want boys and women want girls. I say "initially" though as I hope once baby is here, it no longer matters for most.

For myself I always thought I'd get married and hopefully have at least one of each sex - but when I realised that due to age I'd need to be a single mother "by choice", I really wanted a girl (worries about a boy needing to go into changing rooms/toilets on his own as he gets older, puberty issues with no dad to talk to, needing to share a room with mum on holiday due to costs once he's a teenager etc).

BUT 3 years of IVF/infertility have put all gender preference into perspective - I'm am so very happy to be pregnant with my DS as I was starting to believe I would never have a child at all. Yes, I'm a tiny bit sad he will likely be an "only" and that I won't experience that (probably idealised) mother/daughter relationship when older (as I am very close to my own mum). But I am just so happy to be having a child at all that it no longer matters.

The adult relationship of mother and son to mother and daughter as adult children is very different xx

Not necessarily. I'm not especially close to my Mum, but DP is very close to his (not in a weird controlling MIL way I hasten to add, they just speak much more often than my Mum and I do and are more expressive in their care for each other).

I'm going to be one of the respondents who would just like to have any baby, but am accepting that it may not ever happen for us.

I don't hold your sadness against you because you feel what you feel, but just try and focus more on being grateful for the beautiful healthy child you have and the one to follow, than what you haven't (or might not) have x

Oh for goodness sake, what is wrong with having two children of the same sex? Plenty of people do and are happy.

When your baby is born you will love it regardless of its sex.

@AnneLovesGilbert

If you look at the amount of women posting here with terrible and sometimes terrifying experiences of men, I don’t think it’s that much of a shocker not to want one and to feel more comfortable with your own sex

How are all of these women getting pregnant?

🤔 the mind boggles 😂