Is gender disappointment a thing?

[caz198917]

Hi all!

I'm only 4 weeks pregnant and know I am getting way ahead of myself.

I already have a 4 year old son and at the time of pregnancy I really wanted a girl. I love my son to bits and can't imagine being without him yet. (We didn't know gender until birth)

I cant help but desperately feel I want a girl this time round. This will be our last baby and I will feel so sad at the thought of never having a daughter.

I know it's ridiculous in the grand scheme of things and I should be happy with a healthy baby,

Can anyone share any stories?

Thanks 😊

@forestlovr it might be 'unhealthy' to have a gender preference, but it's a feeling, so it's not something we can all control.

I desperately wanted a boy, my brother died when I was a kid and for some reason my brain ever since thought that if I had a boy it would somehow help.

I've had 3 girls. Especially with my third, but also with my second, people's reactions were often so rude. Eg "oh no! Not another one!" I found that so hurtful. I still don't understand why people feel it is ok to make comments like this. Like I had done something wrong by not having one of each. I am trying now more than ever to treat people kindly as you never know what's going on behind the scenes.

@Bumpitybumper Thank you so much for your post. So well written and explained. ♥️

It’s absolutely a thing. And I’m not in the ‘you’re horrendous for even thinking it’ camp - your feelings are your feelings.

I think strong feelings of gender disappointment are often related to something else in your life and I do think it’s worth exploring that. The blogger the Unmumsy Mum was quite open a few years back about desperately wanting a girl and crying in the car when she found out she was having a second boy (or third, I can’t remember). She said she thought it was linked to losing her mum to cancer when she was a young teenager.

Personally I had a major preference for boys. I had and still have a difficult relationship with my mum. I had some very unpleasant experiences in childhood that were directly related to being female. I felt that if I had a girl I would be consumed with the anxiety of protecting her.

I think lots of people experience it and I’m sure they still go on to be great parents whether they have boys or girls.

I could e written this thread @caz198917 I get it

Not because I am selfish but because I think I yearn for the mother daughter spa and shopping trips that my mother never gave me, I love girly sleepovers for example.

Like you I'm preg again and ha e a little boy which was a shock as my husband has 9 Nieces and Wes assumed we'd have a girl too

As o go along I'm thinking of counselling of how to talk through the feels of giving a little girl maybe what I didn't have abs how else I can fill that void or get over it

Strange one but I really get it too

@YouMeandtheSpew I think you've hit it all on the head and I reasonate with that

Thanks for your take on it because it's not judgmental but helpful. We don't know everyone's stories and it's not about wanting to buy pretty ribbons, it's more than that

Maybe as discussed above it's about wanted to feel needed and protected as you grow old too

However I feel there is a difference between having a son or daughter in the older teenage years /adulthood - spa days /shopping trips /pamper evenings - different dynamics and interests than boys.

That’s one big generalisation. DD and I would be hard pressed to agree to do any of these things together. We love each other dearly but have different interests/tastes. Neither are into spa days. I will happily put on a face mask and watch a movie whereas she is not interested. She is interested in make up though and I am not. We would rather stick forks in our eyes that browse the shops together as we have different tastes, if we go out together it’s ‘let’s meet back here in 2hr’ type of thing.

I’ve never been to a concert with my DD as she has shit taste in music, whereas I’ve been to many concerts with my sons as we have the same taste and also would have more success going shopping together.

You seem to have very set ideas on what a DD would be interested in, essentially a ‘mini-me’ and that may well not be the case!

Should have added DD and DH have many interests/hobbies in common.

DH wanted a girl in theory, but once he got used to the idea DS was a boy he got excited about that too.

I think it is common to feel a bit unsettled when you first find out the baby’s gender, especially if you’ve been imagining something else in your head. I have genuinely never met anyone still disappointed by the time the baby is born though. I guess those people must exist, but I don’t think it’s common.

The thing is, your feelings are your feelings. You feel this way and people being nasty to you and telling you you’re wrong won’t change your feelings. You can work through them though OP. I understand about the adult relationship thing - I have two boys and currently pregnant with a girl - lots of people have told me I’m so lucky to have a girl, she’ll never leave me etc, but I have no intentions of being closer to any one of my children more than the other. My first son is sweet, sensitive and very protective of me. My second is a little devil but cute with it! I’ve no idea what this baby will be like. You can have whatever relationship you want with any of your children. Your adult sons will still come to you for help and advice and love if they know their mom loves them and will always be there for them. I really believe that! I know lots of men who adore their mothers and I intend to be one of those you can too!

I understand where your coming from OP, we already have DS who is 5, when I fell pregnant I was convinced I would have another boy - and loved this thought, all my boys and my son wanted a brother so much. We had our 20 week scan last week - confirmed we are expecting another little boy. I found my feelings so strange as this is what I wanted.. it was possibly the finality that I would never have a girl as this is our last child, but felt a touch of sadness.. As a previous poster mentioned their DP relationship with his mother is very close, my DH is the same with his mum they speak every day and my DH brother has the same relationship with his mum too, which is so refreshing to see as I think a lot of people tend to “assume” sons are never as close as daughters. The females on my side (mostly my gran, aunty and my mum) were constantly saying comments such as “we need a girl, i hope it’s a girl” which Didn’t help one bit.. the feelings I had of slight sadness about not having a girl literally lasted a couple of days, I am over the moon about having another little boy x

Haven’t rtft so this point has probably already been made.

I just find it so disingenuous when people comment about women only wanting a particular sex because gender roles/outfits/blah blah blah or asking why you can what genitalia it has.

It’s a fact that the relationships and connections between women are completely different to relationships between women and men. Be that friendships, romantic relationships or the bond between mothers/fathers and daughters/sons.
I love my DS more than anything in this world, so I know the joy that having a son brings. But I was still upset when I discovered that DC2 was going to be another boy. I have always imagined having a daughter- nothing to do with having a baby with a vagina, nothing to do with frilly dresses or ballet or shopping trips or whatever else- but raising a child with the shared experience of being female. As it is, unless DH changes his mind and we go for a third baby, I now have to adjust my thinking and get used to the fact that I will never have a daughter, and the line of mothers to daughters that led to me will go no further. It does make me very sad, and I’m not going to be made to feel ashamed of that by anybody. It doesn’t mean I’m going to love this little boy any less. And to be honest, the world is becoming such a frightening place for women and girls that a part of me feels relieved at the same time.

I had a horrific pregnancy with DD and always joked I would only get pregnant again if it was a boy!
I obviously never said this to DD but she is obsessed with the idea of me having a boy and said if it is a girl she doesn't want it to live with us
My pregnancy has been so different this time. And the nub looks like a boy and there have been a few woo things that point to a boy that I keep forgetting it isn't a boy. I wasn't going to find out the gender but I am going to now to get DD (and myself) used to the idea of a girl.

Well looks like I got my baby boy on the way lol xx

Congrats OP. I’m sorry for all the hurtful comments you had on this thread. Some people just enjoy dragging others whenever they see the opportunity.

I have always dreamed of having a little boy for as long as I can remember. Im actually having a girl. I was so scared I’d feel some what disappointed. But as soon as I found out, those feelings quickly disappeared & I cannot wait to meet my baby girl. I’ve actually gone completely wild buying all the pinks & can’t wait to buy more 😂 your feelings were, and still are very valid. Regardless of what anyone has said on this thread. There’s always a downside to public forums unfortunately!

I wish you a happy & healthy pregnancy x

@caz198917

Well looks like I got my baby boy on the way lol xx

Nub theory? 20week scan is most accurate tbh.

How are you managing your disappointment? Funnily enough we wanted a boy, but looking like a girl atm

I thought I was disappointed at the gender of one of my dcs. I was wrong.

@BabyOnBoard90 I'm ok I think, I know it's not 100% at the moment. So maybe a bit of me is holding on it might be a girl lol! I have however made a wish list on next off all the cute 'blue' stuff to help 🤣 xx

@shannonl26

Congrats OP. I’m sorry for all the hurtful comments you had on this thread. Some people just enjoy dragging others whenever they see the opportunity.

I have always dreamed of having a little boy for as long as I can remember. Im actually having a girl. I was so scared I’d feel some what disappointed. But as soon as I found out, those feelings quickly disappeared & I cannot wait to meet my baby girl. I’ve actually gone completely wild buying all the pinks & can’t wait to buy more 😂 your feelings were, and still are very valid. Regardless of what anyone has said on this thread. There’s always a downside to public forums unfortunately!

I wish you a happy & healthy pregnancy x

Aww congratulations and thank you! How long until she is here? Xx

I'm a midwife and you'd be surprised at how many women do express "gender disappointment". I know it's not supposed to happen, but it does.

It's not uncommon when you fall pregnant to hope for a particular sex.
You're full of hormones, which cause your thoughts to be over exadurated. The more you think about it, the more it becomes a thing.
In nearly every situation like this, your feelings will subside through the pregnancy or when you see your little bundle.
Some people struggle to understand that people can react or feel different to themselves. Ignore these comments.
Good luck with your pregnancy and congratulations.

@caz198917 I’ve still got 19 weeks to go! What about you? Xx

[quote shannonl26]@caz198917 I’ve still got 19 weeks to go! What about you? Xx[/quote]
I'm only just 13 weeks 4 days so a long way off me yet lol! I hope all goes well for you! Very exciting times! Xx

Well I bit the bullet and found out. Another little 💙 on the way. No disappointment here as I thought boy from the start lol so didn't let myself get carried away with girl thoughts too much. My little boy is over the moon to be having a little bother and the thought of 2 little boys now is lovely 💙

@caz198917 congratulations on little boy no.2, I am the proud mum of 3 amazing boys… when I found out no.2 was a boys I must admit it was a bit surprised… I come from a family full of 1DS+1DD and just assumed I would be the same. I admit that I was disappointed as I’d already been a ‘mum to a boy’. I thought it would be the same. But I can honestly hand on heart say they are all so different, it’s was nothing like my first child. And once they are here you will not feel any disappointment - in fact I think you won’t be able to imagine it any other way. Xx

Congrats on little boy number two and I'm glad you're thrilled!

I completely understand the gender preference thing (although I know people get cross about it).

I'm currently 10 weeks and really hoping for a little girl. Of course I will be thrilled and love the little bump whatever happens, and all I really want is for them to be healthy. But if I'm being 100% honest, I am secretly wanting a girl.

DH has three (now grown) boys from a previous marriage, and both the DDogs are boys. I'm very outnumbered so a girl would redress the balance 😂.

I'm thinking I'll find out as soon as I can, just in case there is a smidge of disappointment. That said, I'm referring to the baby as he, and planning the eventual rugby team. And like you will be delighted and full of love either way.