Is gender disappointment a thing?

[caz198917]

Hi all!

I'm only 4 weeks pregnant and know I am getting way ahead of myself.

I already have a 4 year old son and at the time of pregnancy I really wanted a girl. I love my son to bits and can't imagine being without him yet. (We didn't know gender until birth)

I cant help but desperately feel I want a girl this time round. This will be our last baby and I will feel so sad at the thought of never having a daughter.

I know it's ridiculous in the grand scheme of things and I should be happy with a healthy baby,

Can anyone share any stories?

Thanks 😊

Just to add a bit of perspective to all of this, as an adult daughter I hate shopping, have never enjoyed it. It's tedious and boring. I am not into fashion. I am sure my own mum is disappointed in this, but there you have it🤷

Just because you are someone's daughter, doesn't mean you like make up, dying hair, the colour pink, dresses etc. It's a fantasy.

Yes it is real and a thing and as PPs have mentioned often down to a complex mix of reasons. I imagine a lot of women can’t help the way they feel either and I know sometimes it can be regarded as a form or extension of PND if it’s after the birth...

However, as mum of 2 little boys, one with health issues and special needs, sometimes I can’t help but feel (irrationally I know!) hurt at the amount of people in RL who have such a strong and open preference for girls, including those who already have a girl. I’ve known a couple of women who already had one of each (and both healthy, no special needs etc) who were expecting their third and anxious because they desperately wanted a girl! I think experiencing the issues my 2nd son has made me realise what a privileged position that was- worrying about having the exact mix of genders you want :(

I completely understand your reasoning OP, I too have a very close relationship with my mother and for that reason I have always wanted a daughter.
Getting pregnant has helped me come to terms with 'reality' a little bit as the concept of having a child is now a reality!
I agree with pp that when they are young it really isn't much different raising a son vs a daughter. My husband & I both have a range of interests that I hope to share with whatever child we have & I personally hope to limit gender stereotypes with our children as long as possible. I actually don't plan to tell my family when we find out the gender because they've been annoying me so much about how they couldn't possibly buy the baby clothes without knowing if it's a boy or girl!!
For me it is nothing to do with wanting to do stereotypically girly things with a daughter, I just also have trouble thinking of an adult relationship with a son being comparable to the relationship I have with my mother. I think there is something to be said for the shared women experience, the difficulties in life and the advice given over generations, it's been a special thing for me. I know I have dreamed of sharing these life experiences with a daughter and hoped to see her have a safer, more equal life. I worry more about the teenage years I suppose, I know all the things that might have helped me as a teenage girl and I want to do better for my daughter. I'm very unsure of how I would navigate that from a boys perspective, there's similarities and differences and I know I would learn and do my best but it's difficult to picture and as a chronic planner & over thinker it worries me a little to feel so unsure about how to support a son through that time.
I have been thinking about this more though since getting pregnancy and I also have a lot of people I know who embody the saying: 'a son is a son until he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life'; but there are often reasons behind it, eg my husbands mother was a very strict women & so they've never been close. My BIL's mother is very sensitive so he's always had to be very careful and reserved around her but he feels he can be more natural around my family. My grandmother is very religious and tried to push it on my father. Etc etc so I am hopeful that I could foster a better long term relationship with my sons if I have them.
I think I am also close to my mother because my sister is so close to our father. My mother was often left alone to do housework so I supported her & we bonded more. She has health issues that I feel my dad trivialises & my sister follows his opinions. I hope that my children will be raised seeing a more equal share of household responsibilities and that will hopefully balance the relationships a little too.
I'm hoping that going in self aware will help. I am finding out the sex so I can be prepared. Part of me feels having a son would be better as I'd have far less expectations which is probably better as regardless of the relationship I hope to have with them, they will be their own person and I've got to learn to have a relationship with them that is unique and special in its own way.
Anyway, I've rambled a lot, I just wanted to share because your reasoning resonated with me.

Yes it is a thing, there have been countless threads on here where expectant mums have a preference.
IRL I couldn't count the number of women who've expressed a preference or have had a gut feeling they're having a certain sex and been shocked when they've had the opposite. It's no reflection on the love they feel when the baby's here. Sometimes we imagine how things will be and it's hard not to picture the baby, either boy or girl and get attached to the idea.

You'll love and adore your baby no matter the sex.

@caz198917 yes of course it’s a thing and don’t let some twats bully you here. Now I’m not saying you can be disappointed and cry and be depressed for months😂 I’m just saying that initially when you hope for a boy/girl and you get the opposite you might get a little disappointed for a few days. Absolutely normal OP and absolutely healthy! I have always all my life wanted a girl but my first previous was so over the moon and excited I genuinely didn’t mind. I ended up having my amazing wonderful son♥️ This time when I found out I was pregnant I was 100% sure I’m having a girl, I dont know why!! I stared to look at all things pink, dolls, little pink cute dresses. Even had an order in Next ready to pay for:) we then found out at 11 weeks it’s a boy, I was like WHAT?? How come? It’s impossible!:) took me about 2 or 3 days to go back to all things blue! Now I cannot be happier, c- section in 4 hours - laying awake and can’t meet our little boy and have 2 brothers ♥️ you will be the happiest ever with whatever gender you get trust me, but of course you are allowed to have preferences!!

I absolutely hate MN threads on gender disappointment as there is always a significant group of posters that are not only desperate to condemn anyone that admits they have it, but also keen to insist it's all ridiculous anyway as boys and girls are basically the same

Boys and girls (and women and men) aren't the same. They are not intrinsically better or worse than each other, but at a population level you are much much more likely to see certain traits and behaviours from one group than the other due to a mix of biology and social conditioning. There are no guarantees and always some exceptions but when I observe the testosterone surges in my son or see my sister become pregnant and give birth, it is clear that the sexes are literally built differently and are living in a society that treats them differently so having a boy/girl is likely to generate different types of parenting experience.

So if we accept that boys and girls are different then of course it's natural to have a preference and to feel disappointment when you get the other sex. You may grieve for the special male/female experiences you will miss out on from wedding dress shopping with your daughter to teaching your son to shave. You can't short circuit grieving and no amount of rationality is likely to help until you can emotionally come to terms with reality. However over time, as evidenced on this thread and from what I've seen IRL, the vast majority of people come to love and appreciate their child so much that they would never dream of swapping their sex. Our sex is an important aspect of us but it is just one part and we are more than just a generic man or woman.

I think it's highly toxic and damaging to try to erase gender disappointment or shame those with it. I have been disappointed about not getting the flavour of crisps I wanted or the bakery being out of my favourite bread. We all have preferences in all aspects of my life. I can feel a sense of sadness about not getting my preferred option whilst still have a greater sense of appreciation for being able to eat at all. Emotions and feelings aren't mutually exclusive or necessarily rational. Let people be human and stop holding them to see impossible ideal where we can never have any preference or feel any disappointment.

@Bumpitybumper - bravo. Very well said.

Thank you for all your kind and honest comments. It's nice to know I'm not alone with how I'm feeling.

What I do know. Is that my baby will be loved regardless and I will be hanging onto this xxx

@Bumpitybumper yes!!! Very very well said.

I’m not close to my mum at all, we get on fine but we aren’t close. I’m really close to my Dad. My brother is much closer to my mum than me.

Your parent relationship is not necessarily going to be replicated with a daughter and not with a son. That’s about personality not sex.

It's funny how on these threads, posters are falling themselves to say how they are a women who hates their mother, while their DH loves his and calls her 3x per day etc etc. Yet every other thread of this board features men who don't really give a crap about their families, not even bothering to send a birthday card.

Men and women are not exactly the same, neither is better or worse of course. But there is a reason people often have more friends of their same sex. Because they usually have more things in common.

I am saying this to say that you are not crazy OP, what you've noticed is true. However it also doesn't matter, there are things to love about every family size and composition. Imagine if you had two sons, two little brothers running around together, best friends, how beautiful would that be.

@TreeSmuggler

It's funny how on these threads, posters are falling themselves to say how they are a women who hates their mother, while their DH loves his and calls her 3x per day etc etc. Yet every other thread of this board features men who don't really give a crap about their families, not even bothering to send a birthday card.

Men and women are not exactly the same, neither is better or worse of course. But there is a reason people often have more friends of their same sex. Because they usually have more things in common.

I am saying this to say that you are not crazy OP, what you've noticed is true. However it also doesn't matter, there are things to love about every family size and composition. Imagine if you had two sons, two little brothers running around together, best friends, how beautiful would that be.

Because it’s unlikely that posters would come on to say how wonderful their partners are at contacting their families. This is a board for people essentially to moan.

My DH is way better than me, always remembers to post cards and send flowers etc days in advance, whereas I end up running around on the day like a headless chicken but I’m not going to start a thread about that.

It's quite pointless having a conversation, regarding what sex you would like a new baby to be.

@1forAll74

It's quite pointless having a conversation, regarding what sex you would like a new baby to be.

Almost as pointless as you bothering to comment 🙄

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Boys and girls/men and women are not the same. Some of this is nurture, but some is also nature. Our preferences for one sex over the other does not only have to be present in our partners; it’s an element of all our relationships.

You could browse any random forum on here and I guarantee men will be part of problem being posted about. No not all men of course but more than women!

Sexual violence
Femicide
Paedos
Politicians
War mongers
Psychopaths
Useless lazy husbands
Trans activists
Children out of control
Addiction
Impulsive and aggressive behaviour
Prison population
Stalkers
Child marriage
Sex trafficking
Serial killers
Cult leaders
Weapons testing

Just turn on the TV for 5 mins and flick around. Oh look the Taliban men aren’t letting girls go to school. Here’s a view of some men burning the Amazon rainforest. Here they are being cruel to animals. Here’s some men on a boat in the sea whilst other men turn them back. They’re literally at the centre of perpetrating all the bad stuff that goes on. Tell me one shit thing in the world that is more women’s fault than men’s.

I would have loved my baby just as much if she had been a boy, but ever since I was little, when I pictured my future life it always had a daughter in it. Maybe because my baby dolls were all girls, and I loved coming up with pretty names for them. It's sort of stuck, and I've always wanted at least one daughter.
I also love fashion and little girls' clothes are so much prettier. Yes, I know people will say I'm enforcing gender stereotypes and clothes shouldn't be gendered, but in reality there would be many raised eyebrows and comments if I were to dress a little boy in a dress or something pink, and he would get teased. It's a superficial thing, I know!

It's real, it's a thing. You can't help the way you feel so don't feel guilty about it. It doesn't mean you would love another son any less or not want them. It's a normal emotion and healthy to discuss it.

One of each is great, but equally, there's something uniquely special about the bond between two brothers or two sisters.

@Evesgarden

If you look at the amount of women posting here with terrible and sometimes terrifying experiences of men, I don’t think it’s that much of a shocker not to want one and to feel more comfortable with your own sex

Sorry this is utter rubbish.

The reasons most people want a girl is -

They feel the clothes are better/cuter
They can have a mini version of themselves
Girls are supposed to be easier/better behaved/cuter
Names are prettier
Nurseries are cuter

I see it every day. No one single person has ever said ' I dont want a boy because I would feel safer with my own sex.

I'd totally disagree that the people who actually have significant "gender disappointment" have it for those reasons. I'm sure there are a group of women who want all of this and might feel a pang of initial disappointment at not getting the cute clothes and pink nursery, but those who feel it deeper are usually for other reasons.

I lost my mum when I was 22 and would love a chance of having a mother daughter bond in my life. I still have my dad, and my brothers, but they can't answer when she went into labour, or how long she breastfed for, or give me tips on raising my children. All of my close friends have great relationships with their mothers and regularly complain (often unnecessarily) about their MILs.
Of course there will be people who have awful relationships with their mums and have brothers who are closer, but from what I've seen through life that's the minority. It's very closed minded to assume most people just want the pink frills and dance classes.

It is real and well done for being brave enough to share how you feel. I am sure you don’t mean for a second you aren’t grateful to be preg and will love this baby no mater what. But I totally understand the desire to parent both sexes… especially if like me you are close to your own mum and was looking forward to that mum / daughter relationship.

I have 3 boys and will admit that when we found out no.2 was a boy at scan I was disappointed. Sadly we then went on to loose our daughter at 20 weeks… so when I became pregnant with my 3rd son I was in a very different place and just so glad he was healthy.

What I can say is just because it’s another boy the experience won’t be the same. All 3 of mine are totally different - My middle son is sport mad, but my eldest loves to go for coffee and shopping. My youngest gives the best cuddles and we have a super close relationship.

Be kind to yourself, it’s IS OK to feel how you feel despite what people on here might say.

@Bumpitybumper

I absolutely hate MN threads on gender disappointment as there is always a significant group of posters that are not only desperate to condemn anyone that admits they have it, but also keen to insist it's all ridiculous anyway as boys and girls are basically the same

Boys and girls (and women and men) aren't the same. They are not intrinsically better or worse than each other, but at a population level you are much much more likely to see certain traits and behaviours from one group than the other due to a mix of biology and social conditioning. There are no guarantees and always some exceptions but when I observe the testosterone surges in my son or see my sister become pregnant and give birth, it is clear that the sexes are literally built differently and are living in a society that treats them differently so having a boy/girl is likely to generate different types of parenting experience.

So if we accept that boys and girls are different then of course it's natural to have a preference and to feel disappointment when you get the other sex. You may grieve for the special male/female experiences you will miss out on from wedding dress shopping with your daughter to teaching your son to shave. You can't short circuit grieving and no amount of rationality is likely to help until you can emotionally come to terms with reality. However over time, as evidenced on this thread and from what I've seen IRL, the vast majority of people come to love and appreciate their child so much that they would never dream of swapping their sex. Our sex is an important aspect of us but it is just one part and we are more than just a generic man or woman.

I think it's highly toxic and damaging to try to erase gender disappointment or shame those with it. I have been disappointed about not getting the flavour of crisps I wanted or the bakery being out of my favourite bread. We all have preferences in all aspects of my life. I can feel a sense of sadness about not getting my preferred option whilst still have a greater sense of appreciation for being able to eat at all. Emotions and feelings aren't mutually exclusive or necessarily rational. Let people be human and stop holding them to see impossible ideal where we can never have any preference or feel any disappointment.

Love this post 👏

@Megan2018

I’m not close to my mum at all, we get on fine but we aren’t close. I’m really close to my Dad. My brother is much closer to my mum than me.

Your parent relationship is not necessarily going to be replicated with a daughter and not with a son. That’s about personality not sex.

This.

@Evesgarden

If you look at the amount of women posting here with terrible and sometimes terrifying experiences of men, I don’t think it’s that much of a shocker not to want one and to feel more comfortable with your own sex

Sorry this is utter rubbish.

The reasons most people want a girl is -

They feel the clothes are better/cuter
They can have a mini version of themselves
Girls are supposed to be easier/better behaved/cuter
Names are prettier
Nurseries are cuter

I see it every day. No one single person has ever said ' I dont want a boy because I would feel safer with my own sex.

This is one of the most ironically unintelligent comments about gender disappointment 🙄 Why do people who don't experience it genuinely think they know better than those that do about what causes it? How the hell would you know it's just about cute dresses? I've very rarely seen anyone that actually has these feelings cite this as a reason, only people on the other side casting judgments with zero knowledge and experience. THIS is the utter rubbish.

As to the comment you were responding to, I concur. I have complex feelings about men and boys. I don't honestly like them as much as I like women and girls and it has nothing to with dresses and everything to do with the centuries of oppression that is still ongoing. I feel confident that if I were to have a baby boy, I would not dislike them for being a boy, in the same way that I love my partner and my dad, despite them being men. But yes, broadly speaking and from a conceptual point of view (as that's all you have before the baby is born), I prefer the idea of a girl, because broadly speaking I prefer girls. I won't apologise for that the way people on MN expect me to because frankly I think men have earned the way I and others feel about them.

Every woman know well enough to have vaguely discussed such things all have a tense/just about tolerate relationship with their mothers as adults. Women who are close to their mothers seem to be in the minority in my world. Personally I despise mine, with good reason.
I wouldn’t place much value on your foetuses genitals as a clue to what your relationship with it will be in 20yrs time, that’s down to its personality and how you have parented over the years.

It's definitely a thing and pretty normal I reckon. You get an image in your head of what your life with your child will be like. All the years I've dreamed of being a mum, it was always to a daughter. But I have a very strong feeling I'm having a boy. If it does turn out to be a boy I won't be disappointed, but I will have to rethink everything (I have no ideas on names! What will his bedroom be like! Dinosaurs can be cute, right!?). So I can see why if you're attached to the images in your head with one gender, it might be disappointing to get the other.

But I also think it's important to remember that your baby, whatever gender they are, will have their own agenda. They might be a girl that detests pink and like me absolutely hates anything that sounds like a spa day. They could be a boy that loves a mani-pedi! You just don't know. Gender is important, but it's not the only thing that determines who people are, what they like, and what kinds of relationships with their parents they have.

So I think it's healthy to challenge those images in your head. If you get a boy, you'll obviously need to get over it. But also if you get a girl, you need to leave space for her to be her own person.

I understand OP. I sincerely hope you get your girl, but I'm sure if you have another boy you'll love him so much these feelings will eventually dissapate.

It's natural I think to have a preference, or to want one of each. Raising girls is completely different to raising boys but both equally as wonderful.