Would you judge someone who didn't try...

[hermioneweasley48]

To breast feed?

I know this is a subject that can become quite divisive but I'm looking for facts, opinions and experience not nastiness.

I'm pregnant with dc2 and my first child is 10 so big age gap. When I had dc1 I was young and had a very traumatic birth and wasn't given much help or encouragement to breastfeed. So dc ended up being exclusively bottle fed. He's always been a healthy child and settled quickly as a baby. He was just very easy to manage and other than the usual struggles of babies/toddlers I felt very relaxed as a young, new mum.

I always said if I had another I would try to breastfeed purely for the baby's benefit. But as I look around at friends who have/are doing it, it seems pretty stressful. Their babies don't tend to settle as well and I had one friend in particular who pushed herself to the brink of madness being determined to feed her baby herself. Others have suffered huge guilt when they tried and failed.

Is it rally that bad to go for the 'easy option' here? I've done my research, I know the health benefits to baby but looking at my older dc who never had an ounce of breast milk in his life, kids can thrive without it. Or is that a selfish attitude from me?

I'm just weighing up my options at this point. After such a long break between babies I am understandably nervous about going back there and want to make life easy as possible for us all.

As long as your baby is cared for, doesn't matter a bit.
You do have another child to consider as well.
It's not popular here and does depend on your baby but you could always do a bit of both.
After a disaster bf first time round I vowed not to put myself through it again (had terrible supply issues). So I fed her and offered a bottle for certain feeds like the one on the school run and before bed. She adapted no problem. I had a 3 mile walk for school with no where to sit so bottle was God send here. But when we got back and had time I enjoyed feeding her. Was also bloody handy if out longer than expected!
It is given to us as an all or nothing choice but it doesn't always have to be

I am still breastfeeding DD 13 months and was adamant that's what I wanted to do (breastfeed, for at least 6 months) even though it was bloody awful at the start. However I'd never judge another mum on whether they bottle or breast fed (especially in a country where bottle has no major adverse health effects)! That's up to them. The main thing is love and stability.

Honestly? I would a little bit, yes. Of course I wouldn't openly judge i.e., I wouldn't say anything. And I certainly wouldn't judge someone who had tried but found it difficult, or who had health reasons, or a past history that made it traumatic. But I would quietly judge someone who wasn't willing to give something that is clearly beneficial a go, just because it seemed like it might be a bit more difficult, or because they had somehow not understood the benefits. It isn't always harder by the way.

Absolutely not. I’m breastfeeding my DD and it’s really hard work. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to give it a go!

One thing to consider though is that every baby is different and just because your friends had issues with it, it doesn’t mean that you will! But equally, it’s possible you will. It’s just luck of the draw as with anything.
Another thing to consider is if you try breastfeeding and don’t like it, your baby may refuse the bottle. My DD won’t take a bottle so I’ve had no choice but to breastfeed her for this long.

As for not knowing what to do, the midwives will help you. Show you how to latch etc.
For a second baby you'll be out really quickly so practice in the hospital but have back up ff equipment at home.
Perfect prep machines are certainly not necessary but do make life a lot easier if you are doing some ff. Weren't around when I had my first!

I’d think it a shame if someone didn’t even try, but I’d hope I wouldn’t judge.

Like someone else mentioned, the positive sides of bf for the mum are rarely mentioned. I absolutely loved it and was flooded with feel good hormones and found it intensely relaxing. I still feel a pang when I see someone breastfeeding.

In answer to your last question, I stopped bf mine at 9 months. They both hated the bottle at first and it was really difficult. I only stopped because I was going back to work 2 days pw.

Happy mum... Happy baby.
Do whatever works for you.
FF isn't the easy way out either.

Not at all, it's very hard especially if you're in an area with little face-to-face help. Some people find it really easy, some don't.

If I had another child I would aim to combi-feed at first - so get the colostrum, definitely, and then when my milk came in do a mix of breast and formula to give my nipples a break. But if it was too hard I would stick to formula - it worked brilliantly for my first when he failed to thrive.

I wouldn't judge at all. I mixed fed DC1 due to birth/meconuim/colic issues and BF DC2. She was better on a bottle sat upright to feed and I expressed for a two months, but in the end was only a small bottle a day - I did it just to boost immunity a bit more.

With DC2 it was fairly straightforward as he fed laying back. It was quick for night feeds and meant I could get out more easily with DC1 as no bottles to sterilise and warm.

DC1 nappies became more solid as she moved onto more formula and no breast milk, but no problems.

Maybe wait to see if your baby feeds happily or not, if not or it doesn't work for you as too much discomfort etc. then there's no issue with mixed or FF.

Not out loud. In my head, yes a bit. But so what? Doesn't impact on you what I think.

Why would I even care about other people's choices.
I dont even know if I was bf or not, nor do I care!🤷‍♀️

No judgement. This isn't the 50s when 'Breast is Best'. I would choose not to breastfeed even if I could. If someone asked me if I though they should try I'd probably tell them to try but not worry too much about it.

...those who are critical of others often do it to make themselves feel better and it's often linked to low self esteem. People who are happy and secure in themselves, don't tend to be bothered about the choices other people make for their families.

100% this. The people I know who are most free with their parenting advice and seem most anxious for me to take it and the ones who are clearly the most insecure in their parenting.

I’m confused as to why people judge?
What would you be judging about?
‘Ow she didn’t even try’
‘Ow she’s not doing best for her baby?’
I didn’t try breastfeeding, I still have a great bond with my child who was FF from birth.
Yes the sterilising bottles is a pain. But ultimately my baby is fed and happy.
I would never judge someone who breast or FF.
what I do have an opinion on is people who feel so pressured to BF that they mentally and physically torture themselves because they’re worried about other peoples opinion on how they choose to feed their child? I mean comeon… those first few weeks are the most challenging. We’re all doing our best to ‘get it right’ but my god it’s hard and we would be lying if we were to say we didn’t have a ‘wobble’. Woman need to do what’s right for them and there life’s be that BF or FF.
So no I absolutely would not judge

No, after trying and failing twice, I know how hard it is. Would've been easier for me to just go onto formula straight away, but I had horrendous guilt about it and I really wanted to breastfeed.

I wouldn't judge.
And I agree with pp, that part of that not judging is because there isn't the support or often the cultural acceptance for breastfeeding.
But I would say that if you can get breastfeeding to work for you then it is hands down easier than bottle feeding.

I question the assumption that breastfeeding is harder and formula feeding is easier:

You never know how your body will cope, and so much is down to the baby - their latching, their feeding patterns etc.

Breastfeeding was hard for me for 3 weeks and then it was far easier than formula feeding. Totally free. Never have to wash up, never have to think about what to take out with me. Obviously on top of that are they benefits for the baby and for me.
But there are many things I could do that are healthier for my child and me; but I don’t as I have to balance a ton of things. I would of formula fed if I wanted to;; but breastfeeding was just less hassle (after establishing it)…

Nope! I had my first DD in May and I fully intended to EBF, however after an EMCS and tongue tie I found it so so difficult. I tried breastfeeding and pumping for the first week or so but I was so stressed about it and she was so unsettled. As soon as we gave her formula she was a different baby. I’m happy she got the initial bit of colostrum but do not feel guilty for her now being EFF. I did feel upset when my milk dried up but I just had to remind myself that a fed baby is a happy baby.
People that say going for formula is the “convenient” option blow my mind - you have to wash/sterilise bottles, buy formula (which is bloody expensive), measure it all out, take hot water everywhere, planning you’ve got enough when you go anywhere. Whereas with BFing you can just wap your boob out! The only obvious benefit is that others can feed baby although I do most myself anyway. I would have loved to EBF but it just didn’t work for us and I’ve made my peace with it.
When I have my next baby I will probably do the same. Try to BF initially so they get colostrum but then probably switch to formula. Every mum and every baby are different. What works for one won’t necessarily work for another.

I absolutely wouldn't judge. What I rarely see on these threads - and people may judge me for saying this - is that I absolutely hated BF. I did it for a couple of days and hated every single fucking moment of it. And so I stopped. And maybe that was selfish but the moment I burst into angry tears because DS was waking up from a nap and would want feeding, I knew I had to stop because it was only going to get worse.

I would never judge another mother for any choice she makes.

I do, however, judge people who perpetuate the narrative that breastfeeding is always stressful, painful hell and results in unsettled, underweight babies.
Yes it can be those things, or it might not be. But the more it’s bandied about, the less likely people are to try it for themselves.

No I wouldn't. I tried and struggled bresst feeding with number 1, so didn't even attempt it the second time around.

I agree with one step. For me it was much less hassle, helped me lose weight rapidly and I had loads of time to justifiably sit and read. However, I stopped when teeth properly emerged, transferring to bottles. Never felt guilt about this, despite many people I knew at that time were evangelical about prolonged BF. Don't worry about it; see what you think when the baby is here.

Meh I wouldn’t judge, but I think the difficulties come from expectations of a) babies in general b) breastfeeding.

Once you start breastfeeding it’s so convenient and easy, and babies they differ greatly whose to say whether the issues with settling are down to breastfeeding. I breastfed both my babies and found it easy, especially the second.

It’s like I fed my babies it was no one else’s business, but I quite often found people justify to me why they bottlefed, I had no opinions on how other people chose to feed their babies.

There are lots of things that are best, cooking from scratch, using public transport, recycling, using organic or homegrown produce, not using a tumble dryer, where all just trying to navigate through a modern a world

I knew from the start I didn't want to BF, so i didn't. Nobody pressured me to. My midwife asked in antenatal class is anyone not going to BF and I was the only one who put my hand up. Afterwards she took me to one side and asked why, and I said I just don't want to. And she said she felt exactly the same way, but because if her job she isn't allowed to say that.
My DS has had a great start to life. Above average height, rarely ill. Based on the opinions of a few here, imagine if I had BF - he'd probably be ruling the world by now.
If anyone judges you, that's on them and not you. Unless they are the one keeping your child alive, their opinion is irrelevant.

A fed baby is a happy baby what ever you decide! I BF and it was painful and stressful at the beginning but then it got better. My little one settles really easily and she's a calm happy baby. I find BF easier as I don't have to steralise bottles and wait for stuff to cool down etc! It's just ready to go but it's demanding on the body, I'm constantly tired and don't get a break (it gets easier though). Despite the difficult times I love BF (I was anti BF before!) You do what's right for YOU X