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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

He's not happy with the gender.

377 replies

TeaBookcats · 06/03/2021 21:46

This is my first baby, his second baby.

He has a daughter already, today we found out we are having a baby girl. I understand he's disappointed but he won't even sit in the same room as me. He said he hasn't got the motivation for another girl. I said that it was upsetting, what he said, he responded by saying I only think about myself, I'm selfish.

We had our private scan today, where we found out and he was miserable after, before we even knew. I was excited and he was just so down. We did a cannon reveal so his 7 year old daughter could find out with us.

What can I do about this? I’m feeling so lonely and disappointed, I understand he’s upset but this is my first baby, I want it to be special. Do I just let him get on with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
TeaBookcats · 07/03/2021 06:10

Thank you again for the lovely support and messages.

The confetti cannon was a fun idea for the stepdaughter. I was happy waiting until the birth to find out the sex of the baby, the dad wanted to know.

Funnily enough (because of the situation) his ex-partner broke up with him after 6 years, she left him for another woman....

His daughter didn't see his disappointment, he makes her feel loved and he does a lot for her. I just thought he'd feel happy about this baby.

I'm honestly considering where I stand in this and I'm thinking about my baby.

I'm so sorry wishes111... That's heartbreaking, he doesn't know how lucky he is. Xx

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 07/03/2021 06:16

Over the years I've read plenty of threads where a pregnant mother has been disappointed when finding out the sex. I don't think they've been called twats.

I think your DH needs to realise that girls can do traditional boys things and share his interests. He needs to drag himself out of the 1950s.

RickiTarr · 07/03/2021 06:20

So called “gender disappointment” is one thing.

Walking out of a room every time your pregnant partner walks in is somewhere between man-child behaviour and emotionally abusive.

” He said he hasn't got the motivation for another girl. I said that it was upsetting, what he said, he responded by saying I only think about myself, I'm selfish.” is unspeakable psychological abuse of the woman he is supposed to be caring for more than any other adult.

eloiseislost · 07/03/2021 06:21

"After lots of talk we decided to try for a baby and I fell pregnant shortly after. I'm now 6 weeks. We had an argument this weekend and he mentioned breaking up. He said here are two options, I have an abortion and we break up or we stay together and make it work. I was upset that he even suggested this. He said that I have ruined his life and he didn't even know I wasn't taken the pill. Which isn't true. He said he will never forgive me if we break up and he would potentially resent the child."

You wrote this a couple of months ago @TeaBookcats. I guess it puts the gender disappointment into perspective. He's shown you who he is. Are you looking?

billybagpuss · 07/03/2021 06:27

Take some time for yourself today. You need to get your head sorted.

He’s a twat. There are some phenomenal female martial artists. Who have forged great careers out of it too.

BellamyBells · 07/03/2021 06:29

Motivation? How does he expect a boy to be different? You really want a baby with sexist fool?

sashh · 07/03/2021 06:29

Buy him an action man to play with.

OP you will be glad one day that this baby is female. I was the much wanted daughter and granddaughter but I am not the little girl everyone was expecting.

My life has been a series of disappointments to my family. Things I think are achievements are not celebrated / were not celebrated as a child.

joystir59 · 07/03/2021 06:30

You mean he is disappointed with his unborn daughter's sex. Gender is a mutable social construct, so l hope for her sake she is 'boyish' in what she likes wearing and doing. Perhaps the idiot will like her better then.

imnotateacherbut · 07/03/2021 06:37

His behaviour is disgusting...I would be debating whether or not to leave him.

But congratulations on having a baby girl!! ❤️

mathanxiety · 07/03/2021 06:42

Do I just let him get on with it?

@TeaBookcats
No, you ask him to leave. Or if you have somewhere to go to, you leave, and you do not return. Even if you have nowhere to go, you pack your bags and do whatever it takes to get away from him.

Did you post what eloiseislost quoted from a few months ago?
After lots of talk we decided to try for a baby and I fell pregnant shortly after. I'm now 6 weeks. We had an argument this weekend and he mentioned breaking up.
He said here are two options, I have an abortion and we break up or we stay together and make it work.
I was upset that he even suggested this.
He said that I have ruined his life and he didn't even know I wasn't taken the pill. Which isn't true.
He said he will never forgive me if we break up and he would potentially resent the child."

Because if you did, you need to ask yourself why you are still there. Every word of that was abuse.

You are not going to succeed in making this man fit into your dream of a happy family. The reason is that he hates you.

The MMA obsession is a sign of insecurity. He feels good about himself when he treats you badly, and indulges in fantasies of masculinity which is defined by violence. You are living with a poster boy for toxic masculinity. I pity his poor, poor daughter, and I pity any son he may ever have.

TipToingParent · 07/03/2021 06:45

Sounds like he doesn't want another baby. Men don't generally have the same desire to have kids as we do. 2 DC with 2 different women is a lot of hassle for a selfish, lazy bastard.

His slow swimmers are to blame. If he didn't want another baby he should have put a plonker on it.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 07/03/2021 06:50

@TipToingParent

Sounds like he doesn't want another baby. Men don't generally have the same desire to have kids as we do. 2 DC with 2 different women is a lot of hassle for a selfish, lazy bastard.

His slow swimmers are to blame. If he didn't want another baby he should have put a plonker on it.

Having just seen OP's other thread from earlier this year, it's obvious he doesn't want another baby and he's using this as another stick to beat OP with. He sounds vile.
JackRussellJacket · 07/03/2021 06:51

OP, if you wrote a couple of months ago that he reacted badly to your pregnancy to the point he suggested a termination and he is now disappointed in the baby’s gender then he just isn’t coming to terms with / doesn’t want a baby.

I don’t know how long ago his previous relationship broke up but perhaps he hasn’t come to terms with his partner leaving him for another woman. Similar situation here with a work colleague and her husband was desperate for a boy whom he could consider ‘his’. He actually felt he could not fully trust women and didn’t want to be surrounded by them.

Sounds to me he wasn’t wholly committed to having a baby and when he had to accept that because you were pregnant he hoped for a boy as it wants / needs the situation to be different.

JackRussellJacket · 07/03/2021 06:53

@loveisagirlnameddaisy

Having just seen OP's other thread from earlier this year, it's obvious he doesn't want another baby and he's using this as another stick to beat OP with. He sounds vile

100% this..

Cowmilk · 07/03/2021 06:53

Gender disappointment does exist. Just give him time to get over it.

I know people handle it differently. I would have loved to have had a daughter. But I would never have changed or swapped my three sons for someone else if I had the chance. I love them, just the way they are.

If later on in life I still want a daughter and I find money somewhere, I could always adopt a girl. Procreation always carries the chance of the baby being the wrong sex.

speakout · 07/03/2021 07:09

Gender disappointment does exist. Just give him time to get over it.

This man is allowed to have his feelings- of course.

However expressing them in such a way to the OP is cruel and heartless.

PopUpName · 07/03/2021 07:09

I haven't read the whole thread, because I imagine many posters will be taking his statement - that this is about the baby's gender - as the cause of the problem.

I will bet you anything you like that his despicable treatment of you, his lack of interest in the baby, and his baseless claims that you are selfish - none of that has anything to do with gender.

He doesn't want a baby. He doesn't want to be in a lifelong relationship with you. The gender thing is a red herring. He has been looking for an excuse.

Yes, gender disappointment is a thing that happens, to both men and women. Gaslighting real motivations is also a thing that happens. So you are so busy paying attention to his 'gender disappointment' that you don't notice the much bigger issue that he is an arsehole looking for a reason to get out of parenting another child. And he is blaming your unborn child for his fecklessness.

RowanAlong · 07/03/2021 07:13

That’s outrageous. What a horrible attitude - sexist, unfeeling and stepping all over your own enjoyment. If you’re not married I’d be seriously considering whether he’s the right man to bring up your daughter with. He’s treating you appallingly.

RowanAlong · 07/03/2021 07:13

...and if you are married I’d be thinking about the same things!! And weighing up his past behaviour/words/treatment of you ...

RowanAlong · 07/03/2021 07:14

Congratulations on your pregnancy - that’s wonderful.

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 07/03/2021 07:18

@PopUpName

I haven't read the whole thread, because I imagine many posters will be taking his statement - that this is about the baby's gender - as the cause of the problem.

I will bet you anything you like that his despicable treatment of you, his lack of interest in the baby, and his baseless claims that you are selfish - none of that has anything to do with gender.

He doesn't want a baby. He doesn't want to be in a lifelong relationship with you. The gender thing is a red herring. He has been looking for an excuse.

Yes, gender disappointment is a thing that happens, to both men and women. Gaslighting real motivations is also a thing that happens. So you are so busy paying attention to his 'gender disappointment' that you don't notice the much bigger issue that he is an arsehole looking for a reason to get out of parenting another child. And he is blaming your unborn child for his fecklessness.

Take a look at OP's other thread where, at 6 weeks pregnant, he threatens to leave if she didn't get a termination and told her she'd get no money from him if she went it alone.

He's a real peach.

beingsunny · 07/03/2021 07:21

I think people are being harsh here, gender disappointment is a real thing and women get it too as seen by many posts here on this forum.

When I was pregnant I was desperate for it to be a boy, I have several younger sisters and dreaded the thought of raising a daughter.

I'd give him a few days to come to terms with it, he will come around.

PopUpName · 07/03/2021 07:24

@loveisagirlnameddaisy

Ah, well my feeling was right then.

To try to blame something intrinsic and immutable in the child for his own shittiness - god, OP, why are you playing at confetti cannons with this arsehole?? Bin him.

Seaglass87 · 07/03/2021 07:32

My husband had 'gender disappointment' when we found out we were having a daughter. Now she's here he is infatuated and now 'isn't sure he wants a son'. To me it's stupid as it doesn't matter it they're a boy or a girl. It matters how you treat and raise them. They're just humans capable of being whoever they want regardless of their sex. Maybe try and talk to him to get to the bottom of why a girl is a disappointment and try to dismantle his stereotypes? Men often think of a boy and think the boy will be exactly like them. It's an ego thing. It's ridiculous. I am sure he will get over it. It is hopefully just shock. It definitely isn't OK to be reacting this way though. Have a conversation with him after he's had some time to think about it. Really probe his reasons why as I'm sure they're all shallow reasons that don't actually have much legitimacy in real life.

FedNlanders · 07/03/2021 07:33

I had 2 girls with my ex and when he was with his new partner and had a girl he was exactly like this. She's binned him off now so he must have not changed.

He has 2 options, step up and get over it or miss out.