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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

He's not happy with the gender.

377 replies

TeaBookcats · 06/03/2021 21:46

This is my first baby, his second baby.

He has a daughter already, today we found out we are having a baby girl. I understand he's disappointed but he won't even sit in the same room as me. He said he hasn't got the motivation for another girl. I said that it was upsetting, what he said, he responded by saying I only think about myself, I'm selfish.

We had our private scan today, where we found out and he was miserable after, before we even knew. I was excited and he was just so down. We did a cannon reveal so his 7 year old daughter could find out with us.

What can I do about this? I’m feeling so lonely and disappointed, I understand he’s upset but this is my first baby, I want it to be special. Do I just let him get on with it?

OP posts:
PurpleMustang · 07/03/2021 01:51

Congratulations. Do you know if he was like this before his DD was born? Is it the male heir, carry on the family name thing? Or the assumption of a son being his mini me? Facts are facts at the end of the day. It is due to him you are having a girl. Was his daughter a, (sorry can't think of a better word), 'difficult' baby. Is he worried it is going to be another rough ride with a baby? Is that when it started to go wrong between him and his ex before? He does need to change his attitude quick because it would not be fair on either daughter to hear he is disappointed that one of them was not a son. And i hope he treats them properly. They should not grow up with anything less than a role model to aim for their own husband to be. And if he treats you or them badly they will think it is normal and accept that with their own partner one day. If you don't trust him 100% to not leave, or actually even if you do, keep yourself financially independent just in case. Good luck

Dtoilel · 07/03/2021 01:54

Your little girl can not have this idiot for a father. I would make plans to leave soon. Set up camp on your own. Make the prick pay child maintenance and have nothing to do with him. Or don't. I never had financial input from father and dd is fine. Means she's also free of his negative influence.

PurpleMustang · 07/03/2021 01:56

@Fruitbatdancer wow just left her at the scan. That is another level. Another male that missed the biology sperm science lesson. How the hell she stayed, obviously she only knows why!

ThisMammaCat · 07/03/2021 02:16

Congratulations on your daughter OP!

Sorry your husband is an absolute sexist fucktrumpet (pardon the swearing but he's made me mad!)

Anyone who accuses you of being selfish while acting like an absolute selfish brat themselves is not a great person. At the VERY LEAST that shows a massive lack of self awareness, and at worst, is a huge red flag. I'd be inclined to go with red flag in this case, given how he treated you just because his own balls decided that his second child is a girl.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, and please try not to let his twatbaggery ruin it for you, whatever the outcome of your relationship may be. Tis a precious time and you deserve to enjoy it Smile

BlueThistles · 07/03/2021 02:18

Congratulation to You OP 💕

my daughters are Black Belts and are phenomenal athletes..

He's a horrible selfish TWAT ... is he stuck in the 1950's ffs

Please stop reassuring him... pack his stuff and end this now... No way would I bring a child into this world to be exposed to a cretin like Him ...

what a Disgrace of a man ... shameful 🌺

wishes1111 · 07/03/2021 02:21

I've had 10 miscarriages OP.

My Husband sat at every single scan and sobbed every single time we heard the worlds "I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat".

People really don't know how lucky they are.

Show him this post OP, congratulations on your pregnancy with a beautiful baby girl. You sound better off without him. Sending hugs xx

toolatetofixate · 07/03/2021 02:38

@Fruitbatdancer

Yeah, get rid. An family friends partner stormed out of hospital 20 week scan after discovering 2nd baby was a girl. Drove home without said family friend left her there!! Like it was her fault!!! I couldn’t believe she stayed but she did, he’s an ok father but a complete knob.

ShockShockShock

RickiTarr · 07/03/2021 02:43

I don't have either one of my parents and starting a family has been a long dream of mine. I've done a lot for him and his daughter. I'm very upset about it, I'm trying to be happy.

Me of the things he likes about you is that you have no parents to back you up. He is an abuser. Good men don’t do this stuff.

Please run. This will only ever get worse. He’s softening you up. Once you have a baby restricting your options his behaviour will get ten times worse.

We can’t make you listen but some of us do know about abusive dynamics from either professional or personal experience so please at least file what we are saying away and mull it over for a few days.

Reinventinganna · 07/03/2021 02:55

He can’t love the dd that he already has all that much if he’s so against another dd.

What happens to the relationship with the other dd mum?

Reinventinganna · 07/03/2021 02:55

Congratulations by the way

BlueThistles · 07/03/2021 02:58

Definitely an Abuser OP ... he is putting the blame of this entirely on you and that is irrational unreasonable and frankly unstable behaviour ..

Shnuffles · 07/03/2021 03:14

I'm sorry, OP, but he's a pathetic excuse for a man.

It's disgraceful to behave this way. He's not mature enough to be a father.

I feel very sorry for both his children!

CattyCactus · 07/03/2021 03:21

I don’t think I’d have the motivation to stay with such a twat.

Shnuffles · 07/03/2021 03:23

..And this is unquestionably worthy of my first "LTB". He is clearly selfish and immature, and I wouldn't feel I could ever really count on him, after this.

He had to know it was a 50/50 chance that your child wouldn't be a boy, unless he's extremely dim-witted as well as being a jerk.

Shnuffles · 07/03/2021 03:26

Also: What will happen if you have a son with this man, at some point, and that son grows up to have no interest in MMA? Or has a disability that makes MMA impossible for him?

He's an idiot.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/03/2021 04:26

[quote Wroxie]@SchadenfreudePersonified when you go for a private scan you can pay for a confetti cannon to take home (like a new year's eve party popper, but bigger) that will surprise you with pink or blue confetti according to the sex of the baby. Every bit as idiotic as it sounds.[/quote]
Just as you think things can't get any sillier . . . Confused

Thanks Wroxie. Each to their own, I suppose.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/03/2021 04:28

@wishes1111

I've had 10 miscarriages OP.

My Husband sat at every single scan and sobbed every single time we heard the worlds "I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat".

People really don't know how lucky they are.

Show him this post OP, congratulations on your pregnancy with a beautiful baby girl. You sound better off without him. Sending hugs xx

I'm so sorry wishes. That's heartbreaking. You've both been so through much pain.

As you say - some people just don't know how lucky they are.

Flowers
MsDogLady · 07/03/2021 04:50

Teabookcats, his attitude is disgusting. Your other thread reiterates what a nasty piece of work he is.

In your shoes, I would walk away from this self-absorbed, contemptuous man and have a wonderful life with your precious little girl.

JamieFrasersAuntie · 07/03/2021 05:04

Walking out of rooms?

I'd kick him the fuck out.

PeggyHill · 07/03/2021 05:08

Wtf?

You can have my very first MN "LTB".

He sounds like a really horrible, nasty person and I wouldn't want to share my home with him.

Being a single mum can be tough, but it's much easier than parenting with a selfish arsehole. You don't need him.

WineInTheWillows · 07/03/2021 05:20

I'm concerned that he's setting up shop in preparation to be an awful and uninvolved father. Getting you used to tiptoeing around his 'feelings' and being grateful for any crumb of concern or affection he might show for you or your DD. So that when the baby is here and crying at 2 a.m. you'll find that any suggestion that he does anything about it is met with a big strop and eventually you stop asking for fear of the reaction. It's conditioning and not on.

Tell him it stops now, OP. Don't be understanding- it's rude and emotionally abusive to be administering the silent treatment and making a show of avoiding you, especially when you've done fuck all wrong. Fight fire with fire- let him know you won't put up with this.

Callixte · 07/03/2021 05:30

Congratulations, teabookcats - it sounds like you are happy to have your first baby on the way. It is quite an adventure!

When I read the initial post, I immediately thought that this was an unplanned pregnancy/contraception fail, and your partner had been grasping at straws to be happy about it. Even so, the dream of a son to join him in MMA (which I read as cagefighting/unarmed combat, correct me if I am wrong) is a bit of a stretch - most places don't allow under 18s to participate so it would be quite a bit in the future that your partner and child could bond over this. If this was the only reason to be OK with a child - this person does not want a child, and you have to face that. And given that he already has a child and therefore knows that the work parents do in the early years is pretty much the same for boys and girls - I'd question his "not motivated" - does he want to opt out of being a parent, and where does that leave you?

Also - I don't want to armchair-psychologise, but what you've described from your partner makes me think he COULD have MH issues: wants a baby, excited about baby, excited to find out sex of baby - and then totally deflated, disgusted, uninterested because baby is a girl. It's ... dramatic.

Lachimolala · 07/03/2021 05:31

I don’t understand how the confetti cannon is idiotic or silly? That’s really rude.

OP massive congratulations on your baby girl! This is great news despite how the father is acting, remember to look after both you and the baby is this and out yourself first.

Personally I think you should start planning to LTB now and prepare for single parenthood, he sounds inherently sexist and borderline emotionally abusive. LTB and be happy with your daughter.

PeggyHill · 07/03/2021 05:53

I don’t understand how the confetti cannon is idiotic or silly? That’s really rude.

I believe it started in America, which means that it's automatically bad

Overthinkingalways · 07/03/2021 06:10

I’m going against the consensus here.

Gender disappointment (if people agree with it or not) is very real. Google it and you’ll see. Lots of women have it too. He’s grieving the ideas he had of having a son. It doesn’t mean he’s disappointed in this child - just readjusting.

He’s dealing with it badly and acting out. I did the same - as a woman - and still have bad days. I know how lucky I am, I know I’ll love my child deeply, I know others think my way of thinking is despicable but at the end of the day my thoughts and feelings are valid.

We live in a gendered world and there are lots of stereotypes that perhaps should exist. But they do. If this was a woman posting I think the responses would be more split and there would be some support in amongst the anger. Let him have his day of grief, hear his feelings. It doesn’t make him a bad person. It just means he had a dream that’s he’s letting go.