Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My fiance doesn't want me to keep our baby

251 replies

belle75 · 09/11/2020 17:48

Hi,

I am looking for some advise as I dont feel able to talk about this with friends or family.

I am 33 and have been with my partner who is 45 for 11 years. We got engaged about a month ago.

2 weeks ago, I found out I was 10 weeks pregnant. This was not planned and we were taking precautions. I was in complete shock but deep down, I was pleased. I was afraid to tell my partner as he has been very clear from the get go that he did not want any more children (he has a 12 and 13 year old from a previous relationship). When we first met I had hoped he may change his mind one day and (foolishly) pushed my fears aside.

My partner has told me straight that although it will break his heart, he does not want another child and that if I decide to continue with this pregnancy, I will be doing so alone.

I am so torn... I have so much to loose, my home, my beloved garden, financial security and most important of all, the love of my life. On the other hand, I fear that if I terminate this pregnancy I will resent him and our relationship will be over anyhow. It may also be my only chance of becoming a mother. I already feel emotionally attached to the baby... I have see it's heart beat and can feel it move inside me.

Any advise would be much appreciated as I'm in absolute bits as to what to do for the best. Thank you.

OP posts:
Nicknamegoeshere · 10/11/2020 15:32

@Blueberries0112 In what way does having a vasectomy affect a man's sex life?

Nicknamegoeshere · 10/11/2020 15:37

Well having a co-sleeping, EBF new baby has affected mine for sure!! 😂

Blueberries0112 · 10/11/2020 16:06

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@Blueberries0112 In what way does having a vasectomy affect a man's sex life?[/quote]
It's not what I think, it's what they think. You have to ask them why. They really do think they won't enjoy it as much. It's the same reason why they don't want to wear a condom, I guess

Nicknamegoeshere · 10/11/2020 16:09

Ah, I see.

Well best off not having sex with an idiot like that in the first place! 😂

rorosemary · 10/11/2020 16:52

So he's fine with already having children himself, taking care of them and having you take care of them but if you birth his child then that child isn't worth any of his attention? I couldn't live with a man like that.

rorosemary · 10/11/2020 16:53

So what happens if you do terminate? Then the weekend after that you get to play happy families with his kids?

Yohoheaveho · 10/11/2020 17:24

@rorosemary

So what happens if you do terminate? Then the weekend after that you get to play happy families with his kids?
Imagine what a headfuck that will be:( I would make my own plans privately, dont let him steal any more of your time
MerchantOfVenom · 10/11/2020 17:36

I was in a similar position as my partner didn't want children either (he didn't have any children and also didn't ask me to terminate the pregnancy either). Anyway, once he was born he fell in love with him (which is always the case - it can take much much longer). I would say he loves him more now he's older (3).

This is such bad advice. Confused

This is a man who walked out on his previous partner when she had a baby and a toddler. He is NOT going to come around.

When someone tells you who they are - for God’s sake, believe them!

The OP clearly wants to keep the baby - so that’s what she should do. But trying to dupe herself into thinking he’ll change his mind and come around, is just cruel.

Mmn654123 · 10/11/2020 17:36

@Blueberries0112

"He prefers to keep his options open... whilst at the same time closing off the options for his partner"

While it is true in some cases, but a lot of guys are scared it will affect their sex life than anything else. That it won't be the same.

Poor guys eh? Well, we should definitely put our bodies through risky medical procedures and fill ourselves with drugs or devices to prevent pregnancy so that they don't have to be scared.....heaven forbid they have to get a grip or have no sex at all!
Mmn654123 · 10/11/2020 17:38

@Bumblebee1980a

Bet your chap didn't have previous.

This guy abandoned the mother of his two children when she had a newborn baby. He's not going to be so emotionally overwhelmed at the sight of his child that he does a 180.

Not fair to build up Op's hopes. It isn't going to happen. He's a selfish git.

MerchantOfVenom · 10/11/2020 17:40

@GoJoe2020

He made his bottom line clear - but I do not understand why men like this do not have vasectomies

His body his choice. Same as hers. Its not ok to say what he should do to his body.

So what do you say to the OP who is now pregnant, and is being asked to have an abortion by her partner?

Clearly her partner doesn’t think ‘her body, her choice’. He thinks he has a say in it. He is having a say in it!

Any man who ejaculates inside a women - or risks doing so with less than 100% effective contraception - does not get to roll out the ‘my body, my choice’ card.

It’s transparent, and completely pathetic.

MushMonster · 10/11/2020 17:58

OP I am going to be very brutal: I think you have wasted 11 years with a man that does not want children when you wanted, at least you have written in your post "you thought he would change". That is the mistake here.
He has already checked out after his children's birth, and for his reasoning about why he does not want a child, it seems that his tidyness and hate of chaos is really deeply routed. That does not make him a bad person or anything like that.
If it was me I would not even consider the abortion, you sound delighted actually.
Give him space to deal with the idea and make clear to him that if he wants to be involved he can, if he is ever ready.
And then start the ball rolling regarding having this baby on your own. Starting with your own place. Can you work through your pregnancy? Live with family till you can get back? Get another job once the baby is here?

Bumblebee1980a · 10/11/2020 18:09

@MerchantOfVenom

I was in a similar position as my partner didn't want children either (he didn't have any children and also didn't ask me to terminate the pregnancy either). Anyway, once he was born he fell in love with him (which is always the case - it can take much much longer). I would say he loves him more now he's older (3).

This is such bad advice. Confused

This is a man who walked out on his previous partner when she had a baby and a toddler. He is NOT going to come around.

When someone tells you who they are - for God’s sake, believe them!

The OP clearly wants to keep the baby - so that’s what she should do. But trying to dupe herself into thinking he’ll change his mind and come around, is just cruel.

I was suppose to say "which ISN'T always the case" when a dad sees their newborn.

I hadn't read all the messages following the main one - there is a lot and I've been busy.

I didn't realise he had previous children - it's good that he supports them (which isn't always unfortunately).

Could you go to couples therapy. Relate is good. Maybe they could explore why he's so adamant he doesn't want a family and live a family life...

Standrewsschool · 10/11/2020 18:15

“I am going to be very brutal: I think you have wasted 11 years with a man that does not want children when you wanted, at least you have written in your post "you thought he would change". “

I agree with this sentiment to a certain degree. It makes me think that you don’t get much say in the relationship and what goes on. You do what he says - only got engaged recently, not having children etc. Your feelings are cast aside.

TwylaSands · 10/11/2020 18:16

[quote BananaFlavouredPancakes]@twylasands if you think women don't do this, then you're very naive. She's managed to avoid pregnancy for this long quite successfully don't you think?

I know its mumsnet, but even so, the hatred given to the man for all of his poor choices while blindly supporting the poor OP with all of hers despite what she herself has stated... In my view, THATS more misogynistic. Women are just as capable of manipulating a man and the writing has been on the wall for OP for a long time but she has failed to take control of her life. That's on her alone.[/quote]
Again accusing op of getting herself pregnant in purpose on a Sensitive post.

Not in spirit of the site

Monkeymilkshake · 10/11/2020 18:32

I think you can ask a bunch of people on the internet what they think but at the end of the day you've got to make a decision that you are confortable with. You have to live with yourself.
From what you've written, i think you might want to keep the baby, but i'm just some lady on the internet.
Either way it seems you lose someone you love. Who can't you live with?

MadeForThis · 10/11/2020 18:46

This guy REALLY doesn't want to have kids. This guy REALLY needs to stop getting women pregnant.

Monkeymilkshake · 10/11/2020 18:58

*who can't you live without?

Susanwouldntlikeit · 10/11/2020 19:01

I fell in love with a Nan who had two children. He initially said that he e were oils want to have more children with me. The. He said he didn’t do I left him. He wanted me back and said he would. This happened a couple of times. I should have walked then. We got married dnd started trying for a Gaby except that he was clearly not thrilled. I got pregnant and had a miserable pregnant as he asked me to have an abortions at 5momths. I agreed but said ai world never see him again ever. He got upset dnd said he wanted us to stay together. We went on to have a second child but he was never really paternal with them I had a full time job and fud all the childcare his refrain being ‘because you wanted them’ They are really lovely children -now at university and so grieve that their father does us resented them. We are now finally splitting and I wasted 30 years. I love my children but with hindsight should have a) dropped him before getting pregnant or b) when he asked me to have a abortion and been a single parent.
Please don’t waste another minute on this man.

Susanwouldntlikeit · 10/11/2020 19:02

Sorry for typos!🙁

Nicknamegoeshere · 10/11/2020 19:14

@Susanwouldntlikeit I must admit to being initially surprised that you fell in love with a Nan😂

icanbewhatiwant · 10/11/2020 19:24

@Susanwouldntlikeit my dh says has said that many a time "you wanted them, you sort it out" or "you wanted them you look after them" 😡😡 he didn't really want any more children (2 from first marriage) We now have 3. I know he loves them. But has never got on particularly well with them either. They are now 11, 17 and 19. It's hard work when one person doesn't really want children but my dh knew I wanted them he has tried his best and I don't think he'd want to be without them.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 10/11/2020 19:25

Op - take his advice and take the emotion out of it. In this case, remove your feelings about your relationship with him, because as others have said, it sounds like either way this relationship is over.

So forget "keeping things as they are" that is no longer an option.

You can a) keep the baby and be a single mother or b) end the pregnancy and start again as a single woman looking for a man who's more compatible with you to have a family with.

Things going back to how they were before you got pregnant isn't an option.

Do you want to be single with a baby or single without?

midsummabreak · 10/11/2020 20:00

Cut him out of your life, the same way he has cut his pregnant partner carrying his own baby out of his life
Then once you have closed the door on this relationship, you will be able to open your life to far happier possibilities.
Choose to be with friends and partners who show you as a pregnant or not pregnant woman the kindness and respect you deserve.

MerchantOfVenom · 10/11/2020 20:01

Could you go to couples therapy. Relate is good. Maybe they could explore why he's so adamant he doesn't want a family and live a family life...

Gosh, I really have to try hard not to roll my eyes at this.

He doesn’t want a family or family life because it’s too much like hard work. Involves input and sacrifice from him. Costs money.

He’s tried it. Didn’t like it. Left a woman holding a baby and a toddler, and moved onto a 22YO.

And he’s now telling this woman - the OP - that he doesn’t want to do it with her, either.

He has the option to keep walking away, and moving onto younger and younger women.

The OP, if she’s sensible, will recognise that she’s much better off by walking away, too.