My fiance doesn't want me to keep our baby

[belle75]

Hi,

I am looking for some advise as I dont feel able to talk about this with friends or family.

I am 33 and have been with my partner who is 45 for 11 years. We got engaged about a month ago.

2 weeks ago, I found out I was 10 weeks pregnant. This was not planned and we were taking precautions. I was in complete shock but deep down, I was pleased. I was afraid to tell my partner as he has been very clear from the get go that he did not want any more children (he has a 12 and 13 year old from a previous relationship). When we first met I had hoped he may change his mind one day and (foolishly) pushed my fears aside.

My partner has told me straight that although it will break his heart, he does not want another child and that if I decide to continue with this pregnancy, I will be doing so alone.

I am so torn... I have so much to loose, my home, my beloved garden, financial security and most important of all, the love of my life. On the other hand, I fear that if I terminate this pregnancy I will resent him and our relationship will be over anyhow. It may also be my only chance of becoming a mother. I already feel emotionally attached to the baby... I have see it's heart beat and can feel it move inside me.

Any advise would be much appreciated as I'm in absolute bits as to what to do for the best. Thank you.

If you feel capable of raising your child alone then I would suggest telling him to give you a final settlement eg the equity in the house and let him walk away, don't put him on the birth certificate, don't chase for child support - he made it clear he didn't want kids, though he should have taken precautions himself!!!

I’m sorry but this relationship is over no matter your decision.
You will resent him if you terminate and he’ll resent you if you keep the baby

This

Also if he was so adamant he didn’t want any more children why didn’t he take care of himself after his first child.

He does sound like someone who shouldn’t have had children ever yet somehow he had created 3
I wouldn’t be surprised if after you he would end up getting your successor pregnant as well.
I think deep down he likes having children. He just doesn’t want to look after them or have them invade his perfect space

You have to make the choice and given you will most likely end up losing this relationship anyway even if you have an abortion and try to cling on I would walk away now.

The practicalities can be worked through as they come up.

Take care of yourself.

Keep the baby ditch the man
as per previous posters.... if he really didn't want more children he should have put his money where his mouth is and had a vasectomy

And I agree he wants to sire children because that makes him look good but he doesn't want to do the hard work, the inconvenient boring task of parenting them

I find this point of view so selfish. He's ok, he has two kids. Don't get me wrong he is allowed to say he doesn't want any more but if it happens by chance I find this very selfish. If you want this baby do not get rid of it for him. If he truly loves you he would understand your feelings and support you. I promise you this baby will be the love of your life. I didn't know I could love the way I do until I had my baby. Trust me there will be days where you want to scream but at the same time I would use my husband as a human shield to save my baby.

I'm surprised if he absolutely does not want any more kids why he hasn't had a vasectomy if he's in a sexual relationship with a woman of child-bearing age? The pill isn't 100% effective (as well I know!)
I once dated a man 10 years my senior who already had children. He had a vasectomy after his last child with his ex-wife as he was certain he didn't want any more. He made it clear from early on that this was the case so that if I did want more children then he wasn't the man for me. I respected that honesty.

He’s always been honest- and proved he meant it by the way he left his ex. You knew that and stayed with him hoping he’d change his mind one day. He hasn’t and he isn’t going to. That’s fine, that’s his decision. He’s made his decision based on what he wants. Now you have to do the same. You now clearly see there is never going to be a happy family future if you stay with this man. So if you want children there’s no point staying. This is not the love of your life or a partner. Cut your losses and work out the best way to move forward and bring up this baby yourself.

He keeps telling me to strip out the emotion

You're carrying a baby inside you, YOU, not him. Having a baby IS emotion, no one ever has them for 'practical' reasons.

He doesn't sound well suited to having children, it's a shame he thought his cock was too special to get a vasectomy 13 years ago or anytime between then & now

Frankly I'd find his outlook so disgusting that keeping the baby & sending him packing wouldn't be such a difficult decision.

If YOU want a baby/child then keep this one! If you terminate this one, are you going to stay with him and never have a child? Will he now get a vasectomy - if not, why not?

Any man that has sex with a woman of child-bearing age and who hasn't had a vasectomy (and even if they have really, although of course far more unlikely) knows that there is the possibilty of a pregnancy. I don't think it's right if he just walks away.
Of course there are many forms of contraception. But they can fail.
I was taking the mini pill 100% correctly and still fell pregnant. A total shock for myself and fiancé although we are now blessed with a beautiful baby girl

I would keep the baby.

May I ask how old you are, OP? I think this does possibly make a difference...

@Nicknamegoeshere - she's 33 says in the original post x

It sounds like you want to keep the he baby and he doesn't want to raise a baby, so the answer is to break up with him. Depending on your financial situation that may be very difficult and involve a lot of sacrifice. It's up to you to decide whether those sacrifices are "worth it" and no one can really help you there.

I'm not sure really why other posters feel the need to inquire into the contraceptive choices of either op or her fiance. None of us know the full story there and it hardly helps op in her current situation.

he’s made some questionable choices in life but you’re right he’s not a bad guy. I wouldn’t have spent the last 11 years with him building a life if I thought he was. That’s why this is such a tough decision.

If he’s not a bad guy then he’s doing an awfully good impression of one. Good men don’t walk out on newborns and toddlers and they don’t pressure their partners into terminations. He could at any point in the last eleven years have had himself sterilised on the NHS.

Your relationship is over either way. The dilemma is whether to have the child that you have conceived. At 33 you still have time to have a child outside of this relationship but you would need to move reasonably fast.

I know its mumsnet, but even so, the hatred given to the man for all of his poor choices while blindly supporting the poor OP with all of hers despite what she herself has stated... In my view, THATS more misogynistic.

FWIW I think you mean misandristic. Misogyny is by definition aimed at women.

Sorry - it wouldn't let me load the original thread.
You're 33.
The reality is you're not likely to stay with this guy either way.
So you'll be a lone parent from around 33/34. Then you'll have a newborn and raising a baby will be your focus. By the time you're ready to start dating again (if that's what you want) you will probably be late thirties.
So if you had hoped for more than one child I guess keeping the baby is tricky one from that perspective?
Having said all of that, I met my fiancé when I was 36 and we now have a baby together and I'm 40 very soon. He had no children. We were fortunate as I fell pregnant first month of trying. However, I did already have two kids from my first marriage (they are now 10 and 13).

I do agree with the posters saying that the choice is between a life never having a child if you stay with this man. Or a life where you are potentially giving up this relationship to choose to continue with your pregnancy.

You are young and this relationship has been with you for many years, so you have little to compare it with. As someone much older than you, I have to tell you that his inability to discuss this pregnancy in a kind and co-operative way is not what normal relationships are about. No man should be issuing ultimatums (abort or I leave) in this immature way. He should be sharing your feelings, discussing them, helping you both to make a joint decision that is right for both of you.

He is a wrong'un.

He wants to have his cake and eat it, he wants a younger partner but he doesn't want to have to accommodate her normal and natural wishes to find fulfillment through being a parent even though he is a parenting himself
He is occupying your life making sure that he has the fulfilment who wants but you can't find what you want
He's like a squatter in your life

OP this man cannot love you to give you that ultimatum. You’re in this together, under no circumstances do you ‘go this alone’.

Even if you decide to abort you will never get past this behaviour. You will never forget the position he has put you in.

OP, I'm going to try and put this as gently as possible but there are some hard truths that you need to consider and time is not on your side.

You will not be able to make a decision in your own best interests (and those of the baby) until you allow yourself to see that if you have always wanted a child then this has been a time bomb in your relationship which was always going to go off one day. It is no coincidence that when he left his wife he began a relationship with a 22 year old. You represented the opposite of everything that he was leaving behind but now he is right back where he was twelve years ago with his ex-wife. Do not doubt that he will leave you, because he has already shown that he is capable of very callous behaviour.

I completely agree with PP who understand that your relationship is over either way. The only question is whether you allow yourself to be tied to him for the rest of your lives by having his child or whether you take the risk of leaving and becoming a parent another way. I wish you good luck.

@GoJoe2020 no it isn't I totally agree but if he was that adamant he didn't want anymore children he should have taken more responsibility for himself and taken the most effective form of birth control available to men.

[quote wizzbangfizz]@GoJoe2020 no it isn't I totally agree but if he was that adamant he didn't want anymore children he should have taken more responsibility for himself and taken the most effective form of birth control available to men.[/quote]
He prefers to keep his options open... whilst at the same time closing off the options for his partner

"He prefers to keep his options open... whilst at the same time closing off the options for his partner"

While it is true in some cases, but a lot of guys are scared it will affect their sex life than anything else. That it won't be the same.

Although birth control can definitely affect a woman's sex life than anything else but not his problem, right?