My fiance doesn't want me to keep our baby

[belle75]

Hi,

I am looking for some advise as I dont feel able to talk about this with friends or family.

I am 33 and have been with my partner who is 45 for 11 years. We got engaged about a month ago.

2 weeks ago, I found out I was 10 weeks pregnant. This was not planned and we were taking precautions. I was in complete shock but deep down, I was pleased. I was afraid to tell my partner as he has been very clear from the get go that he did not want any more children (he has a 12 and 13 year old from a previous relationship). When we first met I had hoped he may change his mind one day and (foolishly) pushed my fears aside.

My partner has told me straight that although it will break his heart, he does not want another child and that if I decide to continue with this pregnancy, I will be doing so alone.

I am so torn... I have so much to loose, my home, my beloved garden, financial security and most important of all, the love of my life. On the other hand, I fear that if I terminate this pregnancy I will resent him and our relationship will be over anyhow. It may also be my only chance of becoming a mother. I already feel emotionally attached to the baby... I have see it's heart beat and can feel it move inside me.

Any advise would be much appreciated as I'm in absolute bits as to what to do for the best. Thank you.

Why did he not get the snip though ?

@Cupcakejamlover

Please keep the baby... it would break your heart to bits if you terminated the pregnancy! 10 weeks is a massive milestone, you can already hear the heartbeat and so many people would die to get to that stage, speaking with a previous background of miscarriage early on! Im currently 17 weeks pregnant and would give up the entire world for this baby, let alone a man who is so selfish to deprive me of my own children because he has his own?! Im not sure if you believe in god or the universe, but trust me everything happens for a reason! Please Keep this baby 💔💔

How other people would feel about being 10 weeks pregnant should have no bearing on the OPs decision.

[quote belle75]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion yes once the doctor confirms your pregnant you have a scan to determine the date[/quote]
Well I must say, I am very impressed with your local Trust, aren't they efficient! You are lucky you're not in an area where all non-essential services have been suspended. Everywhere else tends to go from the date of your LMP, regardless of how irregular you may be.

I have to say, it is very refreshing to see a debate about abortion that doesn't have people with a clear agenda posting about 'killing babies'. However, it is as plain as the nose on my face that an abortion is not what you want. As a pp has already said, he will not change his mind once the DC arrives so your best bet is to prepare yourself for single motherhood.

Continue your pregnancy. He should have had a vasectomy.

*He doesn’t love you if he is prepared to let you go through this alone. He’s blackmailing you into aborting your baby - you will be devastated and resent him for the rest of your life if you do so"

This.

& How selfish of him not to have a vastectomy. Awful man, you can do better OP

@BananaFlavouredPancakes

Agreed *@Flutter12*, reading OP's posts, my radar is going off. I've known a couple of women of this exact age who have "accidentally" gotten pregnant on the back of their partner really dragging their heels on commitment.

I'm glad the partner is sticking to his guns, he made his feelings clear as you've acknowledged, yet you still seem hopeful that you can manipulate him into wanting this baby with you.

You're entitled to want to have this baby OP and he will obviously need to pay his share, but you can't expect anything else from him than that so it seems clear you need to go it alone now.

Every man really needs to take their own precautions against pregnancy rather than blindly trusting their partner, particularly in scenarios like this.

Good luck with your pregnancy OP, focus on your baby now.

Im appalled by this. You've not only basically accused op of intentionally getting pregnant. But also said the child shouldn't expect anything of the father other than maintenance because the poor man didnt want a child. What a misogynistic attitude.

@belle75

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

He keeps telling me to strip out the emotion and look at the practicalities... The baby would have to share a room with his 12 year old (she comes to stay twice a month) and our hall way is tiny... no room for a push chair. (Gosh as I write this I'm thinking - these are not valid reasons not to have a baby. Not for me anyhow.) He also doesn't do well with chaos (he is very particular and likes things neat and tidy) and fears we will argue non stop. Perhaps he's right... perhaps it would break us... Sometimes I think, ok I'll terminate, but then I get a nagging feeling that it's not the right decision.

I have a phone consultation with Hope House on Wednesday, perhaps they will be able to give me some advise as to how this could work practically. I'm self employed which makes things a bit tricky. No maternity cover/steady income...

If you're self-employed you can still get payments from the government. You will likely qualify for "maternity allowance" if you aren't eligible for statutory maternity pay. I'm also self-employed so looked into it a little bit. Payments can start 11 weeks before the birth: www.gov.uk/maternity-allowance

It's a difficult situation but I think it's best if you try to plan for having this baby on your own as you seem set on it. Obviously, your decision but it seems this has made you see you want children. It seems unlikely he will come around and it's not clever to plan on him changing his mind. I agree with others that men like him should have vasectomies.

But also said the child shouldn't expect anything of the father other than maintenance because the poor man didnt want a child. What a misogynistic attitude.

If OP accidentally got pregnant and was asking advice because she didn’t want to keep the baby but her partner did, the replies would still be anti-him.

I also agree with the PP who said it is nice to see a thread that hasn’t turned into an argument about the right and wrongs of abortions.

Do it alone.

Man doesn't want any more children -man takes responsibility for his sperm and has the snip or wears condoms all the time.

And how dare he tell you to ‘strip out the emotion’? Why should you? You cannot remove emotion from the decision.

This is just an option to consider rather you or anyone agree with it , it's totally up to you :

if you always wanted children or always wanted more children, I would consider keeping this child because it gets harder and harder to have children after the age 35. Rather it is becoming pregnant , or avoiding health risks. They call it " advanced maternal age" in the States just in case if you want to look into it and learn more about it. My husband cousin had a huge blood pressure issues after getting pregnant in her 40's but both of her and her child are ok now.

I wish it were different but I respect his decision

Well he clearly doesn't respect yours. Well you know you could lose him anyway. You then will bitterly regret not having the baby.
He's got children but he doesn't want you to have any.

So you're expected to go with that. He thinks he's SUCH a catch that you will choose him over your baby. Fuck that.

This guy sounds like a right creep and I'm sorry that at 22 you didn't have a sensible adult in your life advising you to run for the hills. I agree if he hated the thought of parenting small children that much he shouldn't have got with a much younger woman and ditching his family for a new relationship so quickly says a lot about his character.

Either way this relationship is doomed so you need to do what's right for you. Are you in the UK? What you say about getting a scan to confirm the pregnancy makes me think you aren't. What resources are there for mothers facing single motherhood in your area?

You can claim Cms regardless of him being on the bc or not.

So, he expects you to have an abortion - and then go on to live a childless life, never having a baby of your own?

That’s the price of staying with him.

The choice is yours.

@MerchantOfVenom
How can you say that when he has been honest about not wanting children for the part 11 years so OP knew they was to be her life going forward......OP knew that and made her choice to stay with him. That’s not on him that’s on OP.

He has been foolish not to get a vasectomy but he is not selfish. Not at all. He has been actively involved in raising his kids so I have no reason to doubt he is a good father but ultimately he has never waivered on what he wants and doesn’t want. OP has known that since day 1.

OP, do what’s right for you. You know where you stand and what he wants. If you decide to keep it tell him he has to either seek councilling to get around his issues or you split. If he’s been adamant about not wanting more kids he is unlikely to change his mind so I’m afraid you will highly likely be a single parent. Good luck with what ever decision you make.

The choice here is really, really stark: a childless life with your partner, or a child without him. He's been very clear about what he is and what he wants (a fucking egg stealer is what he is, hate men like this).

This is why age differences really do matter in some relationships. A 22 year old entering into a LTR with a man who doesn't want children can afford to be a bit shruggy about it - he'll change his mind, we'll work it out, I'm not sure if I want them. But very often as the woman gets a bit older, that changes and the maternal instinct kicks in or ramps up. But not for him - he's done that 'growing' and in his case, he hated it. Why would he want to do it again?

How can you say that when he has been honest about not wanting children for the part 11 years

How can I say it? Quite easily.

I’m spelling out the very obvious situation for the OP - if she wishes to stay with this man.

She is pregnant. He doesn’t want her to be.

So, if she wishes to stay with him, she must first have an abortion. And then commit to never having a baby, never being a mother.

Where’s the lie?

He made his bottom line clear - but I do not understand why men like this do not have vasectomies

His body his choice. Same as hers. Its not ok to say what he should do to his body.

@twylasands if you think women don't do this, then you're very naive. She's managed to avoid pregnancy for this long quite successfully don't you think?

I know its mumsnet, but even so, the hatred given to the man for all of his poor choices while blindly supporting the poor OP with all of hers despite what she herself has stated... In my view, THATS more misogynistic. Women are just as capable of manipulating a man and the writing has been on the wall for OP for a long time but she has failed to take control of her life. That's on her alone.

@GarlicSoup

Keep the baby. If your partner was so determined not to have any more children he should have had a vasectomy.

Exactly!! Keep the baby he will most probably come round. I was in a similar position as my partner didn't want children either (he didn't have any children and also didn't ask me to terminate the pregnancy either). Anyway, once he was born he fell in love with him (which is always the case - it can take much much longer). I would say he loves him more now he's older (3).

Be hopeful he will change his mind but also be mindful it could cause a bit of anxiety during your pregnancy and you don't want it to ruin your experience. Take care of yourself. You're important.

By the way you speak about it OP I think you're mind seems made up already. Unless he owns the house you shouldn't loose it. It might be worth seeking some legal advice yes you get less than if you were married but in the UK there are some.

I think it's worth sitting down and explaining that you love him but respect his decision just as he needs to respect yours. Their is always going to be emotional attachment to what he proposes saying to look at it practically doesn't change that fact.

A newborn is very hard work make sure you surround yourself with real life support be it friends/family etc. Financially it's possible to cope if you choose to go ahead cut back on things now put as much as you can into savings now. Lots of things can be purchased second hand only things you need new are mattresses and car seats!

@GoJoe2020

He made his bottom line clear - but I do not understand why men like this do not have vasectomies

His body his choice. Same as hers. Its not ok to say what he should do to his body.

No one is advocating forced vasectomies but if he never wants to have children and be in this situation then it just makes sense for everyone. Why risk it? No contraception is 100%.

Do you have family or friends near by for support?
If you are connected to the baby it won't be as easy as terminating it. There will be a huge emotional toll and you will grieve. Will he understand this? Be supportive of this?

Has he booked himself in for a vasectomy? Since this happened?

Who owns your house?

It seems like you are the one making all of the sacrifices here while he happily let's you.

Oh and for the record we keep our pram in the boot of our car or the shed so we never need to take it in the house anyway so the hall way argument is rubbish.

[quote BananaFlavouredPancakes]@twylasands if you think women don't do this, then you're very naive. She's managed to avoid pregnancy for this long quite successfully don't you think?

I know its mumsnet, but even so, the hatred given to the man for all of his poor choices while blindly supporting the poor OP with all of hers despite what she herself has stated... In my view, THATS more misogynistic. Women are just as capable of manipulating a man and the writing has been on the wall for OP for a long time but she has failed to take control of her life. That's on her alone.[/quote]
Accidents happen and the more you have sex even with contraceptives the more chances you will have of them not working. Read the labels on all of them - none are 100%.

You'd hardly say someone purposely got themselves hit by a car if they'd avoided such accidents for all their life previous to it.