Rainbow Babies - New Mums Support Thread 1

[MOGMOGMOG85]

Wonderfully supportive thread for anyone pregnant after previous loss

[title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

@avocuddles Last night was much better. We cycled through the night of doing what I mentioned to @shefliesonherownwings - I fed until and let him sleep on me until I was comfortable moving him to DH. Then I would sleep while he lay on DH chest (he was asleep while I was feeding). A couple of times DH felt quite sleepy so then moved him to the cot, and he would wake fairly quickly so the cycle started again. But I'm aware we are only 4 weeks in and getting any sleep is great. I didnt get up until after 11 this morning and kept him in the bed with me. Once DH was up for work I threw all pillows and duvet off the bed and moved us both into the middle. I then felt a little more relaxed about snoozing while he was next to me in the bed. It was good way to catch up on an hour or two of sleep.

Thank you so much to everyone who replied, I really appreciate it.

I had an online session with a lactation consultant yesterday and he latched and fed, without nipple shields, for the first time, for the whole session.

But then in the evening latching failed again. I got him to latch in the middle of the night but I'm not sure it was a good latch, he wasn't swallowing much and my nipple was pinched at the end (my nipple is always pinched tbh). Then this morning my nipple shield had gone missing (how is it that things keep going missing when you have a young baby) and I had a meltdown, and my partner spent 2 hours trying to help me to latch, insisting that I don't need the shield, and the stress and pressure of it just sent me into meltdown and I'm pretty sure he's totally fed up of me now. He keeps showing me how Errol is trying to latch onto him, opening his mouth wide, he even latches onto Daddy's nose, but he won't/can't latch onto my breast. It's entirely possible my stress and unhappiness is causing these problems, I don't really know - my partner seems to think so - but his Dad saying how easy he would find it if he had breasts is just making me feel absolutely awful. I have just been crying all morning again.

Reading some of your replies I am starting to think maybe I should give up. Making up formula and getting it to the right temperature takes time, feeding the baby takes time, sterilising bottles and pumping gear takes time, pumping takes time, and at the moment I am just spending hours and hours trying to latch the baby, trying to get him to take milk from my breasts either with or without the shield and failing - and hours go by. I don't see how its physically possible to increase milk production, and to keep him fed, under these circumstances. Him being fed is the absolute priority.

Whether its stress or something else I guess it doesn't matter, if you're watching your tears falling down onto your baby because of breastfeeding, hours every day, maybe thats a sign that its not worth it. If I could feed him formula, know he's going to grow, and not be stressed about it wouldn't that be so much better for him? At the moment he cries all the time as he gets to such a state of hunger before I manage to feed him one way or the other, because I'm constantly trying to juggle finding different ways of feeding him.

At the same time it feels so frustratingly close that he latched and drank from my breasts happily and calmly for a whole hour yesterday when I was paying for a consultant.

Maybe I will try one more session with the consultant and see what happens, and decide after that. I'm someone who doesn't cope well with uncertainty and constantly flip-flopping about what the best course of action is is destroying me.

Thanks @Shefliesonherownwings for sharing your experience, it makes me feel so much better to hear about other mothers who have had to use formula and that it was the best choice for them. I would never judge someone else - I know for a fact that you will have tried your hardest to do the best for your baby - so why am I judging myself like this? It's not helpful.

@tmc14 thanks for your advice too, I think I do need to have a day off today. Perhaps I can just do some pumping and give myself a day off trying to latch him, perhaps I can go for a walk and just have some time to myself whilst husband looks after him. I haven't left the house in a week and I've not had more than 2 hours sleep at a time - both of which under any other circumstances would be clear indicators that you need to take a break!

xxxx

@MOGMOGMOG85 ah, very frustrating when Errol did so well in front of the consultant! Did you still find the session helpful? Your partner doesn’t sound very supportive in this... DH was a bit similar in that he just didn’t get how upsetting it was for me. He needs to try and understand how those comments are hurtful though. Did the consultant help you form a plan? I would say trying to latch for two hours is quite stressful for both of you. Staying in is also hard, especially when you’re used to working outside. Are you able to do a couple of walks a day, or sit in the garden to get some fresh air? Then spend your time inside watching tv in bed doing skin to skin?

But also, no shame at all in just switching to formula. I felt so awful when DS was mostly formula fed, but we are so bonded, he’s bright & happy and perfect. For practical stuff, nhs site says you can keep formula in the fridge for 24hrs, & heating up in a cup of hot water is quicker than cooling, so you could try that? Took me a while to find easiest ways to using formula. Initially I used ready made when out & about for ease. Doesn’t take long before flasks of boiled water/cooled boiled water plus powder doesn’t seem like a faff. It isn’t much extra alongside nappies/changes of clothes etc etc.

We had a weigh in today & L has only gained 50g in two weeks so I need to up the supplements. I wish I didn’t have to but it’s needed. Sometimes I hate my body for not being to produce enough milk but trying to just feel lucky for my two children.

I also co sleep, for me I just like the closeness & cuddles, and it just seems to make everything easier at night. But I get why others would not want to.

Sending love to everyone, it’s so tricky finding our way through these newborn adventures. xxx

You’re welcome @MOGMOGMOG85. Hope you’re feeling a bit better this afternoon. It’s also really hard when you and DP butt heads. DH and I are really disagreeing about a couple of things and it’s making me miserable. We just don’t seem to be able to see the others point of view and it’s causing friction which doesn’t help when you’re overwhelmed and sleep deprived.

I never thought I would co sleep but I’m seriously considering it. I’m just too worried about falling asleep holding DS and I’m knackered with trying to stay awake when I do hold him. I’m wondering if co sleeping would help when he wakes in his basket. If he feel close to me but not actually in my arms, he might sleep longer? For those that do bed share, practically how do you do it? As in, what position do you sleep in? Does little one sleep in the middle or on one side of you? If on one side, how do you stop them getting near the edge of the bed? What do you do about covers for you? I really want to get some sleep but only if it’s safe, I’m very paranoid about rolling over on DS or pulling the covers over him by accident. Im still convinced we will lose him in one way or another.

@Shefliesonherownwings I follow the lullaby trust cosleeping guidelines. I don’t have her in the middle as I don’t trust my husband not to squish her. So she’s on the edge my side but I have a next to the bed crib, so she can’t fall out. I lie on my side around her. My duvet is tucked in at my waist (I wear a warm top so don’t need covering up. She’s in a sleeping bag. I do occasionally have an early evening drink which you’re not supposed to, & she sometimes falls asleep on her side & I don’t put her onto her back. I do worry about it but with DS I started off not but was so tired I started nodding off when I wasn’t prepped for it which is more dangerous. I feel for us this is the safest way. I’m hoping she’ll be ok going into the next to the bed crib at some point, it’s not far from me! But for now she doesn’t like it, and likes to sleep as close to me as possible.

@MOGMOGMOG85 You poor thing. That sounds horrendously stressful and like it's really impacting your early weeks with your much longer for baby boy. Your DH does sound like he could be a little more supportive in these circumstances. One thing you mentioned- the nose latching- lots of newborns do this. Mine does it to my DH all the time when he wants to either feed it simply soothe and I'm not sat there ready with my boobs out. It means nothing about latch though! My boy is at stage where he cannot latch without shields. He gets too stressed so I give in. He could latch okay before I started using these but I had too much nipple pain. Do what you need to do so that Errol is fed. Do not feel any guilt at all about this. You've already put yourself through far more than many new mums would be willing to do, just to ensure you do this for your son. Trust me, I still have many times where I want to jack the breast feeding in. And like others on here I have my different opinions to DH on some things -the latest being whether to use a dummy (I've suggested it due to my nipples being used to soothe as well as feed, so the constant hours can be overwhelming).

@AnxiousLady1 I’ve just started using a dummy a bit. It helps L settle for naps. I never used one with DS but with two of them it’s really helping me cope!! L also hates the car, so I use one when driving as it calms her down.

Evening all. I've not been getting notifications need to catch up!!
Picture of Henry... just because!

@Rachael321 Oh my goodness Henry is gorgeous!! What a face! 😍

We've been fully discharged by midwife. Seems the constant feeding is paying off and our little one is turning into a proper little chunk!

For anyone struggling to get baby into cot to sleep - I was told yesterday to focus on at least getting him in there during the day. We've managed a couple of hours yesterday and again today (bliss for me as I then catch up on housework etc). Optimum conditions required. So I feed him first, let him fall asleep on me. When this is happening DH warms the blankets in the cot and we then transfer him while asleep. Health visitor recommended it to us saying being transferred from warm chest to what was effectively a cold bed was what's waking him. Might be worth a try for anyone else having 4th trimester cot issues.

How is everyone doing? 😊

Hey @AnxiousLady1
We’re all good ta. Stuck in tier 4, we’d been isolating & had been tested so we could go to my parents but instead I did a supermarket dash and we’re staying put. L is still gaining weight a bit too slowly and postnatal care here is so bad, but my GP is allowing us there for weigh ins. Still breastfeeding as much as possible and topping up with formula. But she’s chilled out, smiley & happy so we’re all ok.
How are you? Is everyone looking forward to Christmas despite the restrictions?
xx

@tmc14 In tier 4 here also. Gutted. My DS has still not been introduced to any family or friends and was hoping for him to meet his grandparents for first time this week. The last min changing of the restrictions is worst part I think. So many people having to essentially try to get Christmas dinner in last minute. I gather the queues to shops were insane yesterday.

Glad your little one is happy and healthy. That's main thing really isn't it. Aside from welcoming our little bundles this year I'm sure we will all be very glad to give the middle finger to this year and be done with it!!

@AnxiousLady1 the whole mismanagement this year has really been awful. We were lucky in that my parents were allowed to do childcare for DS so met DD, and we met my in laws outside for a meet. My friends family haven’t met her 8 month old yet, it’s just so sad. My parents were so gutted about the changes this week, if they’d have said no from the start it wouldn’t have seemed so awful. It’s a really hard & isolating time to have a newborn. I went to the shop at 7am yesterday and it was busy but not awful. How is your little boy doing?

@tmc14 He's doing well thanks. Growing so fast and changing so much. It's almost hard to believe how quick they grow 🙈 Think that's partly why I'm so disappointed people aren't getting to meet him or cuddle him. Especially my parents as he is first grandchild and I know my mum is really upset about not having seem me through all of pregnancy or met him yet.

How's everyone doing? Hope you all had nice Christmases and are surviving 2021 so far...

Hi @SammiLou2312, not sure I've even posted on here yet! We are good thank you, seven weeks old today - dont know where the time has gone...

Feeling very similar to @AnxiousLady1 in terms of the restrictions and no one being able to see it cuddle him, it makes me really sad.

Enjoying DH WFH and no pressures to go anywhere tho, so im trying to see the benefits

How are you doing?,

@Whiffle77 We are going to form a bubble with a close friend that lives locally. Otherwise it will be end of March earliest before someone other than DH and I that will have held him and he'll be 5 months then! My poor mum is desperate to see him and cuddle him but lives in Ireland and ideally don't want him to get upset when she is finally able to hold him.

@Whiffle77 congratulations! So happy to see you in this group. We are doing well, can't believe Amelia is over 4 months old already lol! I get what you mean about folk not holding baby. I had to go for my wisdom tooth removing the other day and the dental nurse had to hold her... She was one of about 5 people who have held her. It is a worry that she will freak out when family can see her. They are all so desperate to cuddle her etc I worry it'll be overwhelming for her and freak her out. Not to mention trying to get her in to nursery when she has zero intersection with other babies... This whole covid situation sucks so bad but hopefully it will improve soon xx

Thats good that you will have someone @AnxiousLady1.

The only people to hold him (except medical staff) are my parents when he was first born. We are technically in a bubble with them, but as my mum is in her 70s we haven't really been seeing her much as I dont feel comfortable with putting her at risk.

Im hoping they are too little to be too affected, and I'm sure everyone will make up for it when things are a bit more "normal". And hopefully there will be some time to interact with other babies before any of them go to nursery, but it is a worry.

@SammiLou2312 cannot believe Amelia is 4 months already!! Time certainly goes a lot faster now I am not pregnant...

P.s. hope tour wisdom tooth removal was ok! They are a nightmare. I have a few bits to get done at the dentist next week and I am dreading it!

@Whiffle77 my jaw is still a little tender but it's a hell of a lot better than it was with the infected tooth. Wisdom teeth are just a pain in general. I've had to have 3 of mine removed now and they are so painful coming through lol. Time certainly does fly once baby is here in comparison to during pregnancy. I can see differences in Amelia's personality every day lol not to mention changes in her body... She is getting so big, had loads more hair and 2 teeth already! It's crazy. Hope you are doing ok, try to enjoy every moment of him being tiny - he won't stay that way for long lol

Hope you are all well and enjoying lovely cuddles.

I have to ask - is anyone else thinking about doing it again? I’m 40 this year so we are already talking about trying late summer

@Littlegoth we've discussed it but between the struggle to have her in first place and the issues we have had with feeding / lack of sleep since she was born in not sure if I could go through it all again... especially the struggle to conceive and worries about the pregnancy. Part of me would love to but who knows

@Littlegoth yes I think we will be trying again but waiting until next summer. If we fall pregnant then I’ll have the baby when I’m 39 and little James will be 2. That feels about right for us. We’ve always wanted more than one and I definitely would like a third.

Just been catching up on the rest of the thread. We also had feeding problems and I had to stop breastfeeding at Christmas - I needed to start taking daily aspirin again for my APS but my milk was already reducing to the point where I was lucky to pump 100ml all day.

Im definitely swinging between ‘I must be mad’ and ‘brilliant idea’ at the idea of doing it again so soon (or at all as the worries about history repeating are there too) x