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Original poster

Has anyone had any experience in taking a newborn to a prison visit?

168 replies

Hlce24 · 03/08/2020 18:42

I’d like to point out this is NOT a definite decision made. I just want to know a bit more.

I’m 32 weeks pregnant and my baby’s dad is highly likely going to prison in the next couple of weeks. It’s a very shit situation for me but more so my baby boy, he doesn’t deserve this. We don’t know how long he’ll be away for yet if he goes to prison. I’m just wondering, has anyone been through something similar / taken a newborn into prison? I’ve never had anything to do with a prison visit so I’m clueless. I will NOT take him if it isn’t right. No way.

Anyhow, are provisions put in place? separate room away from other prisoners, more frequent visits / letters / phone calls? I suffer with anxiety and being a new mum anyway will not have my baby boy around shitty people or a shitty environment.

Thanks x

OP posts:

redshift1 · 05/08/2020 18:32

@Cccch54 I'm sorry you're getting so many negative and harsh responses. I imagine you're already having a really hard time without these internet warriors 😴 I have no experience with this situation but I'm sure when your baby is born you will know exactly the right way to go with this. I'm sorry I can't be any help but just wanted to send love and support. You do not need the added stress from these negative comments, it's not good for you or the baby! ❤️

tankflybos · 05/08/2020 18:36

"rather than bury her head in the sand, she was trying to get information about what prison visits entailed"

Indeed, and that's great. I gave her plenty of information about what a prison visit entailed but now it seems there isn't going to be a discussion.

My point is it is really important to use this time in the lead up to court to discuss all of these issues and for everyone to understand what will/will not happen. When a person enters custody everything becomes about the regime, how to apply for a visit, canteen etc. That really is the main focus of most prisoners. They will ask questions all day about visits, phone calls, canteen etc.

If this isn't discussed then the OPs partner will likely expect that he's going to get visits, he might talk to other prisoners about it before he finds out he won't meet his child until release whenever that may be. That is not the kind of news you want to have to process in a prison cell when it isn't necessary to leave it so late.

You might think I'm harsh, but that is the reality of prison. It is harsh and a lot of problems can be avoided by honest discussions prior to attending court.

DeRigueurMortis · 05/08/2020 18:39

I think you're spot on with this.

Cccch54 · 05/08/2020 19:07

@DeRigueurMortis @redshift1 Thank you!!! I couldn’t dream of saying some of the things that some people have on here. Especially knowing that someone is feeling perhaps a bit vulnerable , but oh well! Thanks for your nice comments xxx

DeRigueurMortis · 05/08/2020 19:24

You're welcome OP but I do agree with tank that now you've had more information you do need to talk to your partner about expectations - fundamentally that you can't possibly commit to visiting at the present time for all the reasons I listed in my post at 16:17 plus the many other good reasons other posters have given.

Psychologically I think it's best for you both and the baby that you assume the worst case and put in place plans to support you as best as possible; you speaking to your midwife about your circumstances and what support is available, contacting the organisations who support prisoners families and him being pro-active in looking into the "bedtime story" and similar services.

Fundamentally he's responsible for this mess so he actually needs to do some research here (not just you though to be fair he may be doing this) about how he can support you and the baby and put your interests first rather than his.

tankflybos · 05/08/2020 19:31

Other things to consider are making sure he's got your numbers written down as opposed to stored in his phone. He obviously can't take that in. Also taking some cash to court with him rather than waiting for it to be sent in.

Both these things will mean it's easier to keep in touch. Have a look at the prison he's likely to go to and get details for the email a prisoner service and for him to have his prison number to hand when he does ring you so you can make a note of it.

He shouldn't rely on storybook dads being run at the moment and could record a story now if you want that.

I'm not unsupportive of you and not meaning to be harsh but honest conversations and decisions made in advance will help. If you announce once he's there that you aren't visiting it won't go down well.

RachelLyg · 05/08/2020 19:46

If I’m reading correctly your partner drove drunk- Had he crashed and killed a family or an individual they’d not get to see their baby... or loved one. Maybe that’s the karma of a custodial sentence.

I agree with this. From OPs posts he appears to be a serial drink driving offender and so deserves prison in order to protect the public.

OP, I think you should be concentrating on what is best for your baby and taking a baby into prison isn’t what is best for your baby. I also wouldn’t consider a jailbird to be a suitable father. I think you should consider your options carefully.

Cccch54 · 05/08/2020 19:57

@RachelLyg And what positive impact will my boyfriends ‘karma’ have on my son? Oh absolutely none! Before you write a comment perhaps look through the entire thread. Sick of seeing these sort of comments now

Cccch54 · 05/08/2020 19:59

@RachelLyg a serial drink driver is someone that does it all the time. He’s done it once.

Hardbackwriter · 05/08/2020 20:03

I find it really astonishing that so many people seem to believe that there is no circumstance under which someone who goes to prison could be a worthwhile person or father. Do you just not believe in rehabilitation, at all? And while drink driving is a very serious (and very selfish) offence I do think that some of the judgement here is excessive - having not read the previous thread I initially assumed that his crime was a violent one, possibly towards OP, given the vehemence with which he was being condemned.

troppibambini · 05/08/2020 20:07

Hi I don't want to get involved in all the nastiness but I do have personal experience and have been in almost exactly the same situation. When my ex was taken to prison he was put in a proper prison in Liverpool I chose not to take our baby there on my first visit as I didn't know what to expect... I was right, for me it wasn't the place for a baby.
After a few weeks he was transferred to an open prison and a visit there was absolutely fine. Lots of children and a small play area in the corner inmates weren't allowed to leave the table but children could play and you could see them or accompany them. I could take a baby bag in and the dd was never searched.
I hope that helps.

RandomUser3049 · 05/08/2020 20:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

RachelLyg · 05/08/2020 20:11

serial drink driver is someone that does it all the time. He’s done it once

He wouldn’t be looking at a custodial sentence for a one off offence.

Anyway, I’m going to bow out now, you’ve had some good advice but you seem to be posting for sympathy, rather than advice.

Bluntness100 · 05/08/2020 20:11

Thr op is only twenty. She’s heavily pregnant and the father is about to do time.

Op, I don’t really know anything about the thread that was deleted, I didn’t see it, but I think you need to wait and see how you feel. Do the first few visits on your own if you still wish to see this guy. When you’re used to the routine then make a decision on if you wish to take your child. If he’s only on for up to a year I’d not do that.

On the other side obviously you need to make a decision on whether you wish to be involved with him, I don’t know if you still are, but think through what the future holds.

Sometimes love really isn’t enough.

RandomUser3049 · 05/08/2020 20:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

wishing3 · 05/08/2020 20:18

Not read the whole thread, but I’m sorry that you’re having to consider this decision OP. I know older children who regularly visited their dad in prison and their mum reported that the prison were great at making it child friendly-I think maybe a separate room for the dads with visiting kids. Not sure what the situation is with a baby though.

tankflybos · 05/08/2020 20:25

"there are prisons with specialist family rooms that allow a more child friendly environment"

There are tiny reading corners in what is essentially a glass walled closed visits room. There are family visits days but not running currently. The "specialist" room is a legal visits room not much bigger than a holding cell with a bookcase, couple of toys etc. The prisoner isn't allowed out of his seat so can't go in there and it's not for a newborn baby, more for a toddler as they have been proven to not be able to sit still

It's a grubby environment, the things I've seen in those "play" areas are certainly good for building antibodies 🤢

MileyWiley · 05/08/2020 20:47

No benefit to the baby whatsoever. Purely for the adults benefit. Baby will be searched on entry to prison - do you really want to put your child through that every time?

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