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Original poster

Has anyone had any experience in taking a newborn to a prison visit?

168 replies

Hlce24 · 03/08/2020 18:42

I’d like to point out this is NOT a definite decision made. I just want to know a bit more.

I’m 32 weeks pregnant and my baby’s dad is highly likely going to prison in the next couple of weeks. It’s a very shit situation for me but more so my baby boy, he doesn’t deserve this. We don’t know how long he’ll be away for yet if he goes to prison. I’m just wondering, has anyone been through something similar / taken a newborn into prison? I’ve never had anything to do with a prison visit so I’m clueless. I will NOT take him if it isn’t right. No way.

Anyhow, are provisions put in place? separate room away from other prisoners, more frequent visits / letters / phone calls? I suffer with anxiety and being a new mum anyway will not have my baby boy around shitty people or a shitty environment.

Thanks x

OP posts:
Cccch54 · 05/08/2020 00:33

@notapizzaeater We haven’t even discussed bringing him in when he’s born yet ! I literally just wanted to put the feelers out and get people’s experiences

Flaxmeadow · 05/08/2020 00:37

My son still deserves to see his dad and know him

Your son won't remember it and nor should he

Flaxmeadow · 05/08/2020 00:55

...something else to consider is that some prisons, though not all, are dirty overcrowded places. Why take the risk?

Sho2207 · 05/08/2020 11:21

@Cccch54
I really do feel for you. Some comments are really going on like he's done the worst possible thing. I highly doubt if they were in your position they wouldn't appreciate the hate comments against the person you love.

Yes he's silly for what he did, and hopefully it'll be the last silly thing he does because he knows how bad it's got now, he possibly won't be able to see his newborn child everyday due to his own actions. But that doesn't mean he can't see him at all.

People are saying 'baby won't know the difference because he's too young' well it won't cause him any harm then if you do take him. I trust you'll do the right thing for you and your baby, you've said whilst covid is still around it's a no no and that's proving there that you're putting your son first so people need to chill out.

Good luck in what you choose to do, if you need to chat then you can always pm me. Although I'm not quite sure how to do that on here 😂 xx

ToLongNow · 05/08/2020 12:47

As above, i would just consider this.

Prison has covid -19 in it.
Spreading between prisoners and staff

You take your little newborn in there ..

Soooo risky....

How long is babies dad likely to be inside for? When is the trial?
I havent read your other thread, sorry.

confused107 · 05/08/2020 14:08

As someone who has visited a prison once, without a child I would not recommend taking a baby in at all. It was a very traumatic experience for me on my own. Please consider:

  1. Travel, you don't know what prison he will end up in and how you will get there
  2. The whole booking in process. Long and horrific. Take note of the rules, they are very strict and no exceptions will be made regardless of you having a baby
  3. The millions of searches you and your baby will have to go through. Expect sniffer dogs and for your baby to be searched several times in several ways as well as you. Wouldn't surprise me if they even check nappies!
  4. Usually you are not allowed to take anything at all in with you. I imagine with a baby you will be very restricted and it takes time even to get through and in so you may feel left without 'things' you need

This was pre-covid. I imagine things will be even worse now, if you are even allowed in

You really need to think about what you and baby will get out of going through all of this and if it's worth it

tankflybos · 05/08/2020 15:49

"We haven’t even discussed bringing him in when he’s born yet !"

But why not? What has been put in place? These are the conversations you should be having. I've seen too many families just bury their head in the sand and then suddenly one of them becomes a prisoner and has no clue what to do. It's almost as if their court date came as a surprise to them.

Storybook dads is a fine example. Your boyfriend wouldn't need to take up a place on that programme because he's got a week or so to simply record one at home before he goes to court.

VictoriaBun · 05/08/2020 15:55

I posted at the start of this thread about no visits in the prison I work in.
Visits have just resumed . As expected all visitors to wear a mask. However, no close contact, no touching ( handholding, hugging , kissing etc) including children. Extra officers to police the area.
If prisoners / visitors do not adhere to this visit is suspended and the prisoner will be put into an isolation cell for 14 days.

Cccch54 · 05/08/2020 16:13

@tankflybos Nope no ones burying their head in the sand hence why I’m on this site because I’ve accepted it for what it is and need support ! Smile A lot has been put in place but you’re reading a snippet of my life from a post I was asking for advice on so you wouldn’t know

Cccch54 · 05/08/2020 16:14

Unless any one is offering support I won’t be replying I’m getting awfully bored of being dragged down. I’m already rock bottom , I’m not thick and I know what is best for my son as his MOTHER.

Cccch54 · 05/08/2020 16:16

@Sho2207 I’ll message you ! xx

DeRigueurMortis · 05/08/2020 16:17

OP I remember your other thread.

With regard to your question here I think it's fair to say that there are a lot of good reasons not to take your baby and very few in favour of doing so.

That said I think until your partner is sentenced it's impossible to know if visiting with a newborn is even feasible, depending on which prison he is sent to. So in that sense you might find your decision is made for you.

You'll also have to consider how you are. Obviously I wish we you well and hope your birth goes smoothly but there is a possibility that you may need after care and simply not in a position to travel even locally - especially to an environment that's not baby/new mother friendly (even just sitting on an uncomfortable chair might be an issue for you).

The longevity of his sentence is also significant. You don't know how long he'll be away and again you need to consider if putting yourself and your baby through a visit is worth it if he'll be out in 6 months.

So my advice is to contact some of the organisations other posters have linked to and be in a mindset that is highly likely visiting with the baby won't be possible (especially in Covid times) but equally take the view that once you know what you're dealing with in terms of which prison, what (if any) facilities/protocols they have, yours and the baby's well being, sentence length that you can finalise your decision.

Wolfiefan · 05/08/2020 16:59

Actually I don’t think you do if you think dragging a newborn to visit his father in prison during a pandemic is the best thing for him.
You need to make better decisions. His father clearly won’t.

ahorsecalledseptember · 05/08/2020 17:03

Wolfiefan will you please give it a rest.

Wolfiefan · 05/08/2020 17:11

This is a woman who’s pregnant by a man who thinks it’s a great idea to drive drunk then try and run from the police. It’s not his first offence. She said she is suffering with her MH and shielding with her mother but that taking a newborn to visit a prison is the best for her baby.
Honestly it’s not me that needs to give my head a wobble.

ahorsecalledseptember · 05/08/2020 17:16

And do you think haranguing her will change thst?

It won’t.

Wolfiefan · 05/08/2020 17:17

So we should just say your baby your choice hun??Hmm

ahorsecalledseptember · 05/08/2020 17:23

I am not a young, naive woman with mental health problems wolfie and you won’t intimidate or shame me with silly faces and sarcastic responses.

She has taken on board that going to prison with her baby is not the best move. She is aware of support should she wish to end this relationship. Is there anything else that is helpful at this stage? I don’t believe so.

Cccch54 · 05/08/2020 17:24

@Wolfiefan if you actually have a read of my original post and every comment I have wrote on here I never said once I was definitely taking him , but I did say numerous of time I won’t be taking him anywhere near the prison walls if covid is still an issue. He isn’t even born yet. Find something better to do other than trying to undermine me for my decisions

Wolfiefan · 05/08/2020 17:41

Maybe make better decisions??

Cccch54 · 05/08/2020 17:43

@Wolfiefan Wow. I agree with EVERYTHING you’ve said yet I still need to make better decisions......
Move on

tankflybos · 05/08/2020 17:45

@Cccch54 clearly that touched a nerve but if you read my post I said do many families do bury their heads in the sand and leave it until the last minute to discuss really important aspects of life in custody.

I didn't say you were doing that but it's concerning that something so important and potentially harmful to your baby and mum hasn't even been discussed between you.

Cccch54 · 05/08/2020 18:00

@tankflybos I never denied that’s what you said 😂😂😂😂 If it hasn’t been spoken about then I’m not going to be taking him to a prison visit am I ? Therefore nothing is harmful.

tankflybos · 05/08/2020 18:11

Ok, this made me think you were referring to your situation:

"Nope no ones burying their head in the sand"

I can assure you lots of prisoners and their families are doing just that.

It's always a happier outcome all round if you discuss these things. If you don't discuss it with him then how will he know to be prepared not to get visits from you and the baby? Prisoners tend to be very focused on these things once inside.

DeRigueurMortis · 05/08/2020 18:20

[quote tankflybos]@Cccch54 clearly that touched a nerve but if you read my post I said do many families do bury their heads in the sand and leave it until the last minute to discuss really important aspects of life in custody.

I didn't say you were doing that but it's concerning that something so important and potentially harmful to your baby and mum hasn't even been discussed between you.

[/quote]
To be fair to the OP my reading of the situation was that rather than bury her head in the sand, she was trying to get information about what prison visits entailed before discussing it with her partner so that she wasn't blindsided into agreeing to something she knew nothing about.

I think that's actually quite commendable as is the fact she's taken on board a lot of the advice given.

I think this thread and her previous are classic examples of catching flies with honey rather than vinegar in the sense the poster is young and vulnerable and to be fair seems to have taken into consideration not just the positive comments on this thread, but those advising against visiting when that advice has been offered in a constructive and kindly way.

Banging on at this point with the tough love about her relationship (a general point and not specific to the quote above) seems to be counter productive in my opinion and I suspect that the OP has stronger mental reserves than she realises.

So I think support and practical advice is appropriate and I'll wager that when the baby is born the OP will (if appropriately supported here rather than leave by being brow beaten in the name of tough love) continue to make good choices for her and her child's long term best welfare.