Pregnant after Loss and Dreaming of Rainbows - 5

[Avocuddles]

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@MOGMOGMOG85 that message was for you above plus I posted to soon as was coming to ask how it was with the midwife?

So after yesterday’s appointment where I got referred to Fetal medicine because the sonographer said the fluid looked low, when I’ve looked in my file the notes say ‘increased fluid’ 😬 there’s no scan report as the machine wasn’t working to print them, so now I’m feeling super confused as to what is wrong and why I’ve been referred. So so anxious. I’ve text my midwife to see what she thinks, I’m seeing her tomorrow though. Feels like I’m back to where I was with lily where it was bad news, wait a week to reassess, more bad news! Oh and OH can’t come to the scan 😢

@MOGMOGMOG85 Hope your checkup went okay this morning!

Anyone else suffer with any carpal tunnel syndrome? I feel I have this in my left hand today. Initially thought I might have slept on a nerve, but after some quick cautious googling I've seen carpal tunnel syndrome is quite common in 3rd trimester?

Hi ladies, I need to properly catch up but firstly huge congratulations to you @Rachael321 on the birth of your boy. I know it can be disappointing not to get the birth you hoped for but don’t beat yourself up. He’s here safe and sound and that’s the main thing. Hope you're home and settling into your new normal. Sorry others have had a tough time with anniversaries. I do find the build up can be worse but then sometimes other milestones take you by surprise. This Sunday was 41 weeks since Isla was born. As she was born at 41 weeks gestation that means we have now lived longer without her than with her if that makes sense. I'm sure it sounds stupid but it’s really hit me hard and I wasn’t expecting it. I’m very aware of how much time passes without her but I didn’t expect to feel so sad about that date.

DH and I had a nice few days away last week at the south coast. It was good to have a change of scene and lovely to be near the sea. Although I always feel guilty about leaving Isla at home in her urn. This also sounds so stupid but I feel bad leaving her there and going off to do nice things without her, when she should have been with us. I remember feeling the same when we went to NY in February. I cried my eyes out on the plane going out as I didn’t want to leave her. I’m glad we did manage to get away though and both DH and I just love being by the coast.

I had my rearranged scan today, told the consultant I am feeling movements every day but some days they’re less strong and not as frequent. She said baby was transverse so could be the reason for the change. She said everything looks great but his growth has tailed off a bit. Last time measured on the 90th centile and this time he’s more in line with the 50th. She had absolutely no concerns and said he's about 3 pounds but I just freaked out because this is what happened with Isla except we didn’t know her growth had tailed off until after she died. I’m seeing the consultant again in two weeks and she kept saying it was nothing to be concerned about and could be his position affecting measurements too. She said placenta, blood flow etc all looks great but I'm just so nervous now. DH keeps saying we are in good hands, we know this time and will be kept a close eye on. The consultant was lovely and said there was no signs of distress and if she was in any way concerned she'd get me to come back sooner. I just need to try to remember all that but it’s so hard when it feel like history repeating itself.

@Shefliesonherownwings I’ve got no advice or anything I can say to make you feel any better, apart from to say that I share those feelings too. ❤️ I’m getting induced at 38+4, a day over what I was with Lily, and it’s her birthday on Friday. The 38 weeks since her birth hit me hard too, now I can’t believe it’s been a year. I also hate leaving her ashes behind if we go anywhere; it doesn’t sound silly at all - when we went on our honeymoon I was terrified the house was going to burn down and we’d lose them! I asked my OH’s grandma to come and keep an eye just in case!

Also, it’s good the consultant doesn’t seem worried and that they’re keeping a close eye on you. But after my appointment yesterday I totally get the feeling, even though no one seemed concerned all I can think about is history repeating itself with going back to Fetal medicine. So I guess I’m just trying to say you aren’t alone with these feelings and yeah, this is really rough xxx

@Shefliesonherownwings so sorry that you're hearing similar things about growth trailing off and that its understandably making you very anxious. It does sound like your sonographer was being thorough though? Hopefully that is one good thing? I can't imagine how you must be feeling - so natural to worry when it feels like history repeating itself. I'm glad you're being kept a close eye on, and sounds like DH is keeping a good eye on things too. Take good care of yourself, and if there's anything you can do to spoil yourself, def do it now xxx

@Anon20something that sounds really confusing about the fluid levels. Is there anyone you can pester to speak to? Or just wait to be reassessed? There may be an explanation for the notes which is not easily understandable to us non-medics... its just awful to be left in limbo though, especially given your history. Don't know what to say but just sending you strength and hugs xx

@footprintsintheslow thank you! I heard the heartbeat, good and strong, a bit slower than last time (141 i think) but still way up in the normal range and I tried to reassure myself that maybe that means he's grown a little bit, as the last midwife who had a listen told me that the heart rate goes down as they grow. I tried to say that to my midwife but I don't think she understood me and just said she couldn't tell if he'd grown. I tried asking her about use of machinery at work but she just said something about how I could go for a run if I wanted as long as I am used to running pre-pregnancy... this is the second time I've seen her and I have to say I do feel like we are just not on the same wavelength and we don't really seem to get each other - lots of miscommunication! So I didn't really feel reassured about anything as she reaffirmed that I have to wait to 28 weeks to have a full check due to lack of movement. However I got home and had a cry, and then drank a load of chocolate milk (my sweet tooth has definitely returned...) and he started having a little party about 10 mins later, right on my bladder and cervix :) feeling much happier now, but will continue keeping an eye on him. One theory I have is that he has gone head down since I've been back at work (he was breech at 20 weeks) and that I'm feeling less kicking and its a bit gentler, more shoving/pushing...

@AnxiousLady1 I'm sorry about your carpal tunnel that sounds rubbish! Have you seen if there's anything the dr can do? Are you working from home and could a poor work set up be exacerbating it? I got - I think - a bit of carpal tunnel once when I was doing some freelance transcription work and I decided to do it literally in bed so I could be as lazy as possible. I would lie on my back and type on my belly at a million miles an hour and it absolutely did me in - so stupid! Luckily the problem resolved when I stopped doing that, but I remember it being really painful and alarming! Maybe someone else can give you some more practical tips than "dont lie in bed typing" - hope you can find a way to keep it under control! xx

@MOGMOGMOG85 thank you! I rang the assessment unit to ask them. Turns out the fluid is definitely high not low (100% she said low yesterday as we were even talking about if I was leaking fluid!) so I’m still pretty confused! But hey, if she said low and meant high, and didn’t seem too worried either way, perhaps it’s somewhere in the middle and is fine 🤷🏻‍♀️ Who knows! Hopefully all is well next week but i hate waiting! The scan report is coming in the post in the next few days so hopefully once I read that I’ll feel better too and that’ll clear things up. I strangely feel better it being high than low though! I suppose as he’s so big there’s bound to be more fluid?

@MOGMOGMOG85 I was in the up at 5am club with you... Had an awful night, I can't complain about much with this pregnancy but heartburn has been a complete nightmare. Woke up at 2am with pain in my stomach and back and it ended up taking 12 hours before it went away! Couldn't lie down without being in agony so just had to uncomfortably wait it out with gaviscon and paracetamol (I know the drill now after the previous hospital trips). I called the maternity unit in the morning and they suggested a warm bath which helped a little but it wasn't until this afternoon that it finally subsided and I managed a 90 minute nap. Really hoping I don't have any more incidents as I'm getting close to the trigger point (36 wks) at which my mat leave would in theory have to start automatically if I take any more sick leave, and I don't want to have to start it early if at all possible unless baby is on the way! The midwives all seem to blame my issues on being short (only just over 5 foot) and having a tight bump which means that baby and internal organs are packed in particularly tightly - lucky me!

@Knotemma early hours interruptions from your cute cat are all good prep for what's to come!

@footprintsintheslow dehydrated berries sound great! We're overrun with courgettes and Victoria plums so any suggestions as to what to do with either would be much appreciated! Made a great plum crumble the other day so will probably be another of those on the way very soon....

@MOGMOGMOG85 caffeine free Diet Coke tastes pretty much exactly the same as the real stuff so might be worth an investment! As others have said caffeine in moderation is really nothing to worry about, yes one study might suggest otherwise but there are many, many more studies which have found no issues with moderate consumption. I found the book Expecting Better quite helpful in terms of picking apart some of the various studies around food, drink and lifestyle and helping me to consider them more objectively.

@Anon20something sorry you are feeling so anxious, I hope you get a response quickly from your midwife which will help to reassure you. NHS communication is a bit rubbish at the best of times so I'm not at all surprised by the lack of report, can you call the fetal medicine unit directly and ask to speak to someone there? I've generally found the hospital more useful than my midwife though am sure it varies greatly by area!

@Shefliesonherownwings I'm glad your scan went well though sorry it has make you more anxious. 50th centile is a great size and it sounds like the consultant was very happy, hopefully the next two weeks will fly by and you'll be reassured at the next one.
I understand why you feel sad each time you leave Isla, but know that wherever you travel she is there with you in your DNA. It's good that you and DH managed to get away, my parents live on the south coast and i always find it lovely and relaxing by the sea.

Thanks @MOGMOGMOG85. I think it's okay, but it was just one of those little niggles to further worry about in case it was sinister!! At pregnancy yoga we were shown some wrist exercises and told that the pregnancy/working from home would exacerbate issues, so I will work on those a little.

On your movements - I think most of us can say it's definitely varied at some stage or another. I think my guy is still breach at 29 weeks as everything I feel is low down. I didn't think about a pattern until 28 weeks as I was worried I'd drive myself round the twist. What I did from about 26 weeks was consciously note when I felt last movement (no matter how subtle), and say to myself I wouldn't leave it more than 3 hours of not feeling something. So if I hit the 2 hour mark and had been distracted with work or moving about, I made an effort to sit and try get him going, and always felt him move quick enough. I've now started kick counts in morning and evening. The morning, right after I wake is one time of the day I'm certain of. So if he was ever quiet then that would be my trigger to worry. Aside from that he seems to move regular enough throughout the day, but with varying degrees of intensity. I guess this is also because they do still sleep majority of the time. I said to my MW at 28 week appointment I wasn't certain of real pattern or triggers to get him moving (ie I'm never sure if cold drinks or sugar automatically equals movement), and she said "does he just move about regular enough throughout day?". I said yes, but if I'm busy I might miss it whereas sometimes it's more forceful. She said that was normal and when he gets bigger again all the movements will be forceful. I've also noted in last few days that while sometimes I feel movements across my belly and can see them, sometimes I'll feel them really far back near my butt! God only knows what he's doing in there but it makes sense why change of portion means we feel them more muted 😂

@Anon20something My mother had so much fluid with me that she always jokes she can't understand why I'm not a brilliant swimmer, as I must have spent 9 months in there doing the backstroke 😂

@AnxiousLady1 that’s made me laugh 😂

@Avocuddles the assessment unit was really good when I’ve rang there and spoke with Fetal medicine (The sonographer was working there today) who said it was deffo a little high. Sucks but at least I know! They don’t seem too worried at all though so I’m trying to keep calm! He’s a big baby so I’m thinking it just just mean he has a bit more fluid. 🤷🏻‍♀️ With lily it was never mentioned that I had excess fluid but from my waters breaking at 10pm til she was born at 1.10pm the next day they just kept coming (which no one warned me about so there you go ladies, take a towel!😂) so I’m thinking maybe I just have lots of water?

@Anon20something it sounds like there's been some miscommunication somewhere along the line. Glad you've managed to get in touch with the right people to at least get straightened out on what theyre looking for.

On the waters front, I've bought puppy pads for in the car on the way to the hospital. From what I've read only about 20% of women's waters go before they're 8cm, but it's made me feel better to have something disposable with a waterproof back just in case 😂🤷‍♀️.

@AnxiousLady1 maybe you'd make an awesome scuba diver? After all you didn't have to worry about breathing while you were in there!

@Knotemma I think she just said low instead of high to me by accident 🤷🏻‍♀️

The puppy pads are a great idea!! I’ve only ever been induced and had mine broken for me, and will be again, but I’d deffo be stealing that idea if I wasn’t!! No one ever told me they’d just keep coming haha so I kept trying to put pants on, all 8 pairs of knickers I packed were no good after about 2 hours 😬 the disposable mesh hospital pants are the best tho!! I’ve packed some of those and got some on eBay, would deffo recommend! They even double up as post birth contraception if you wear them as long as I did!! 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

@Anon20something I'm crying laughing about the mesh pants!

I think I saw the puppy pad thing on YouTube. I also thought that if I don't need them they'd be handy for either naked time for goblin, or to chuck one in the change bag for using public changing areas 🤷‍♀️

@Knotemma they’re the best things ever!! 😂

So after so much confusion my consultant from last time with lily has given me a call back, she didn’t even know I was pregnant again (a good thing I suppose!) and after having reviewed the scan from yesterday confirmed the fluid is a little high, but nothing concerning at all and if it wasn’t for our history she probably wouldn’t even see me! She thinks maybe the sonographer didn’t realise I’d had all the genetic testing done at 12 weeks to ensure baby boy doesn’t have the same condition. She did say however she understands how scared and anxious I must be, and that for a bit of reassurance me and my DH can go in tomorrow at 9am for a scan and chat with her! So relieved! She’s also asked me to bring my wedding photos as we got married just after lily died. Finally, a Dr who ‘gets’ it! 👏🏻

@MOGMOGMOG85 a little cry is very helpful I think and also eating sweet things. They are both on my daily to do list at the moment.
Shame you have that midwife. I don't particularly click with mine either so I understand.

Lastly I thought they would check for movement after 20 weeks.

@Avocuddles I wish I was over run with plums. You can dehydrate them in your oven and I'll post a link. You could then chop them and use them for a porridge topper in winter.

Thanks all, I knew you lot would understand. @Anon20something sorry you've had worry and uncertainty too with the fluids. Your consultant sounds brilliant, just what you needed to hear and hopefully you can get some clarity and reassurance tomorrow. So nice when people truly understand.

I saw my mum this afternoon which made me feel a bit better. I just vented and cried to her which helped. I'm trying so hard to just remember that the consultant wasn't worried and if she was she'd be doing something more. Unfortunately any little issue sends my anxiety overdrive, never mind that it's been a reminder of what happened with Isla. I know I'm going to be so focused on movements now and 2 weeks seems a long time to wait to check things again. I'll need to find some ways of distracting myself I think.

@Shefliesonherownwings thank you, I’m really grateful that she’s so lovely and I trust her implicitly. Even though it was horrific, she was the one who identified everything with lily and without her I wouldn’t have had the 20 minutes I did. I totally get the anxiety - my little issue with fluid shouldn’t be a worry, but I immediately panicked that it meant he wasn’t swallowing, and therefore wouldn’t breathe like lily - it just all comes back. Take care of yourself, and if it means giving your midwife a ring to check in and have a listen etc to calm your nerves then do it. Sending lots of love x

It's that time again so updating my weeks. Can't believe we're onto the final month (ish). Goblin got the hiccups last night for the first time in ages, and DH was home so got to feel them for the first time, which was awesome. And other than having to run to the loo a few times I slept all night!

Going to get my hair cut today, so hopefully will feel a bit pampered, thought it was worth doing no while I can still sit fairly comfortably... I know there probably won't be time again between now and Christmas!

@Bellsx 37wks (due 20/08/20)⁣
@Rachael321 39wks (due 20/08/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@SammiLou2312 36wks⁣ (induction due 03/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@Hoping2020 35wks (due 13/09/20)⁣
@Knotemma 36wks⁣ (due 23/09/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@LilMrsS 31wks (due 24/09/20)⁣
@didslysquiddlydoo 35wks (26/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@TunnocksTcake 34 wks (due 26/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@avocuddles 35wks (due 27/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@Sunflower1608 32wks with twins (due 28/09/20)⁣ GIRL & BOY
@SunStruck 33wks (due 28/09/20)⁣⁣
@Scout20 31wks due 29/09/20)⁣
@Littlegoth 34wks (due 30/09/20)⁣ BOY
@HighHopes20 25wks (due 03/10/20)⁣⁣
@Treaclepie19 33wks (due 07/10/20)⁣⁣ GIRL
@tmc14 33wks (due 11/10/20)⁣ GIRL
@Hagster 33wks (due 12/10/20)⁣⁣ SURPRISE
@DressingGown87 18wks (due 20/10/20)⁣ GIRL
@rachelrainbow 23wks (due 28/10/20)⁣
@teaandtantrums90 13wks (due 05/11/20)⁣
@AnxiousLady1 29wks (due 07/11/20)⁣ BOY
@Shefliesonherownwings 26wks (due 09/11/20)⁣ BOY
@MrsG3 28wks (due 16/11/20) GIRL
@MysteriousSheep 19wks (due 21/11/20)
@Whiffle77 25wks (due 02/12/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@MOGMOGMOG85 25wks (due 05/12/20) BOY
@footprintsintheslow 19 wks (due 10/01/21)
@turquoisebaby 18 weeks (due 24/01/21)BOY

Had a horrendous midwife appointment this morning and instead of feeling better I feel much worse. I'm so fed up 😩
Updating my weeks.

@Bellsx 37wks (due 20/08/20)⁣
@Rachael321 39wks (due 20/08/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@SammiLou2312 36wks⁣ (induction due 03/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@Hoping2020 35wks (due 13/09/20)⁣
@Knotemma 36wks⁣ (due 23/09/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@LilMrsS 31wks (due 24/09/20)⁣
@didslysquiddlydoo 35wks (26/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@TunnocksTcake 34 wks (due 26/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@avocuddles 35wks (due 27/09/20)⁣ GIRL
@Sunflower1608 32wks with twins (due 28/09/20)⁣ GIRL & BOY
@SunStruck 33wks (due 28/09/20)⁣⁣
@Scout20 31wks due 29/09/20)⁣
@Littlegoth 34wks (due 30/09/20)⁣ BOY
@HighHopes20 25wks (due 03/10/20)⁣⁣
@Treaclepie19 34wks (due 07/10/20)⁣⁣ GIRL
@tmc14 33wks (due 11/10/20)⁣ GIRL
@Hagster 33wks (due 12/10/20)⁣⁣ SURPRISE
@DressingGown87 18wks (due 20/10/20)⁣ GIRL
@rachelrainbow 23wks (due 28/10/20)⁣
@teaandtantrums90 13wks (due 05/11/20)⁣
@AnxiousLady1 29wks (due 07/11/20)⁣ BOY
@Shefliesonherownwings 26wks (due 09/11/20)⁣ BOY
@MrsG3 28wks (due 16/11/20) GIRL
@MysteriousSheep 19wks (due 21/11/20)
@Whiffle77 25wks (due 02/12/20)⁣ SURPRISE
@MOGMOGMOG85 25wks (due 05/12/20) BOY
@footprintsintheslow 19 wks (due 10/01/21)
@turquoisebaby 18 weeks (due 24/01/21)BOY

@Treaclepie19 that doesn't sound good, anything you need to unload xx

@Treaclepie19 sorry to hear you had a bad experience at the midwifes appointment. Hope everything is ok x

Oh I've just realised how dramatic that sounds. Baby is all fine and so am I.
Just the midwife was really negative about me having an MLU birth and not accepting the induction. She started saying how baby would need more monitoring because of our last baby having a genetic problem.

The consultant hasn't said any of this and was happy for me to be on MLU if that's what I want.
All the scans have been fine and we decided to accept baby was fine considering we're not carriers of any conditions so this is a kick in the teeth.
Its like they've been saying to me the whole time that baby will be fine and now they're going to use it against me.
Not sure if I'm making any sense because I'm quite worked up.

She's phoning me later so I'll try and get my thoughts together. Then next step is to phone the consultant because it's worried me a lot.

@Treaclepie19 glad you and baby are ok...if you are struggling with your thoughts a little, it might be worthwhile trying to write down your thoughts before the midwife calls so you have them there in front of you... I often find that I struggle to remember everything I want to say unless I have it written down. Can you ring and speak to your specialist too to discuss it? It may just be that the midwife is going on standard advise without looking into what your specialist has said to you. Hope you manage to sort it...in the meantime get yourself a cuppa and put your feet up for a few mins to try and relax your nerves xx

Thank you @SammiLou2312. I've made some notes of what I want to say and what I want to ask her. Going to have some lunch and try and calm down.