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Gender disappointment

143 replies

HelloSunshine64 · 20/05/2020 09:59


I know I’m being stupid but I just need to talk. I’ve just had my scan and I don’t know want to know gender. The lady doing the scan said we won’t go down there because it was flashing earlier - surely this means a boy? X

OP posts:
zscaler · 20/05/2020 10:03

Could be, but she could have just been saying that the baby was ‘flashing you’, rather than ‘it’ was flashing (if that makes any sense at all...)

Are you disappointed because you are hoping for a girl, or disappointed because you didn’t want to know and you think she’s let the cat out of the bag?

FourPlasticRings · 20/05/2020 10:05

Nah, both sexes can flash- it's just exposing genitals.

HelloSunshine64 · 20/05/2020 10:05

I don’t know, I really wanted my first to be a girl but I couldn’t not imagine having my son. He is simply beautiful, I guess I’m just hormonal and should be more grateful I have a perfectly healthy baby due soon. I just hate scans all together I think! X

OP posts:
ivfgottostaypositive · 20/05/2020 10:07

She would have said that to make a point she isn't scanning the area so you can't see anything surely.....

But from your post I'm guessing your now panicking it's a boy and you want a girl??

Surely if you thought you might be disappointed it's better to know now than wait 5 more months until the baby arrives?

LizzieMacQueen · 20/05/2020 10:08

If this isn't about gender disappointment @hellosunshine64 then I'd get mnhq to amend your title.

HelloSunshine64 · 20/05/2020 10:11

But I am upset it is a boy and not a girl. I think I’m just scared to admit it. I guess we will see in 5 months time

OP posts:
MichelleOR84 · 20/05/2020 10:11

No , I wouldn’t think that at all . Flashing to me means showing off . And that could be boy or girl !! She just meant it was obvious so she wasn't going to go there . No penis is just as obvious as a penis , although I’m not sure how obvious that is to any of us .

We waited to find out the gender too . I remember at my 20 week I thought I saw a potty shot and could have sworn it was a girl . I was so upset and not by the gender but because I thought I knew . It was a boy in the end lol.

NaturalCleaningParticles · 20/05/2020 10:14

I knew this would be about a boy. Why are they seen as some sort of consolation prize?

I know OP can't help feeling this way, but is there some sort of societal bullshit about boys being less good? It seems to be boys who are disappointing on here 90+% of the time.

HelloSunshine64 · 20/05/2020 10:14

Yea your right. Sorry I think I’m just over thinking

OP posts:
MichelleOR84 · 20/05/2020 10:19

@NaturalCleaningParticles I think it’s natural for a lot of women to want a girl . It’s what we know. And at the same time I think it’s quite natural for men to want a boy . It’s not always the case of course . I have a boy and I didn’t think I had a preference but when I found out it was a boy ( at birth) I was relieved . I could have felt the same about a girl , who knows 🤷‍♀️i

lunar1 · 20/05/2020 10:22

Contact them and find out the sex. You can then get over it while you are pregnant. Better to do it now than actually be disappointed holding a beautiful newborn boy in your arms.

DerbyshireGirly · 20/05/2020 10:29

I was convinced I was having a boy when I was pregnant and honestly I did have a slight preference for a boy (don't know why), but as soon as baby was born and I found out we had a girl I was overjoyed. I'm so glad we have a girl now. When they're here you love them so much for exactly who they are, it really won't matter.

WhatwouldLangdo · 20/05/2020 10:34

Why don't people understand the difference between sex and gender? If you're old enough to get pregnant, you should be old enough to know.
Gender is meaningless.

FourPlasticRings · 20/05/2020 11:04

Why don't people understand the difference between sex and gender?

Because it's called a gender scan and a gender reveal. it's common parlance and is mostly used by people who don't like using the word sex for anything other than coitus.

bee222 · 20/05/2020 11:12

It’s called an anomaly scan.

FourPlasticRings · 20/05/2020 11:13

It’s called an anomaly scan.

The NHS one is. Many people have them from private clinics and they're marketed as gender scans.

WhatwouldLangdo · 20/05/2020 11:55

a gender reveal

More painfully cringe-worthy narcissism Hmm
You'd think that a healthy foetus would be enough without scraping the bottom of the barrel for a reason to be disappointed.

zscaler · 20/05/2020 12:06

Why don't people understand the difference between sex and gender?

People do understand. But gender and sex are used relatively interchangeably in many contexts. Furthermore, if you have a private scan it will be called a gender scan not a sex scan.

This poster clearly isn’t trying to make a political point about sex v gender, so there’s no need to try and shoehorn one in.

UrsulaSings · 20/05/2020 12:12


An article you might find helpful to read. Shaming peoples feelings doesnt change them, and people often feel enough shame at their own feelings around this without it being piled on by other people.

What most people dont understand is that gender disappointment goes a lot deeper than surface level. It can be for all sorts of reasons such as having negative experienced with men throughout someones life, having a difficult relationship with someones own mother, fantasies that have been played over and over from a child.

Usually it's got absolutely nothing to do with the actual baby, which is why when the baby is here people dont care anymore anyway.

Acknowledging and accepting your feelings and working out where they are stemming from will a whole lot more helpful for mum and baby, than just piling guilt and shame on.

OP you love your child just as you do your first. You cant help the feelings you have, but it may be worth trying to work out where they're coming from. As I said, it's usually got absolutely nothing to do with the actual baby.

EarlGreyT · 20/05/2020 12:13


More painfully cringe-worthy narcissism hmm
You'd think that a healthy foetus would be enough without scraping the bottom of the barrel for a reason to be disappointed.

Precisely. And you’d also think this would be enough without needing to buy a load of unnecessary tacky blue or pink shite to do the reveal.
Although I do have to say that the concept of a “gender reveal” is quite frankly a marketing genius by someone who is probably laughing all the way to the bank about people buying a whole load of overpriced tat just because it is pink or blue.

Mucklowe · 20/05/2020 12:17

Why would you be "disappointed" in your baby? That's horrific. You presumably saw a heartbeat and normal development. That's a damn sight more than some people see at their scan. Count your blessings.

EarlGreyT · 20/05/2020 12:17

Why don't people understand the difference between sex and gender?

God fobid you use the word sex when it comes to reproduction! Which is why people have coined the ridiculous and twee terms “DTD” and (even worse) “BD” because using the word sex is apparently unacceptable when it relates to either having sex or the sex of a child.

Lalla525 · 20/05/2020 12:17

Why people can't just accept (and not invalidate) other people's preferences and feelings? What's the problem if person A wants a girl?

Sex and gender are different. But there is a 'shockingly' high correlation between the two.

And yes, every baby is different. Boys can do ballet and girls can play football. Girls can be dirty and noisy, boys can be nice and clean. SO WHAT? I (and everybody) is still entitled to a preference and there is nothing wrong with it.

FourPlasticRings · 20/05/2020 12:20

I don't disagree with your premise @WhatwouldLangdo, and am not finding out the sex of my current fetus (I found out with DD but didn't do the pink thing with her either and we didn't tell anyone she was a girl until she was born). However, the fact remains that these terms are part of our current society and do encourage the use of gender and sex interchangeably.

Battysace123 · 20/05/2020 12:24

Everyone is entitled to their preference, but to be disappointed is another thing altogether. Not fair on The baby. If being pregnant with a boy is too much of an inconvenience, don't have a baby then.

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