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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Gender disappointment

143 replies

HelloSunshine64 · 20/05/2020 09:59

Hey

I know I’m being stupid but I just need to talk. I’ve just had my scan and I don’t know want to know gender. The lady doing the scan said we won’t go down there because it was flashing earlier - surely this means a boy? X

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Fedhimtotigers · 20/05/2020 19:46

@tartanbow this thread isn't about you so honestly after what you've posted I don't care about your story. If I wanted to heard about it I'd click on your thread.
The thread title was idiot proof....or so you'd hope.

And yet here you are. A person who finds these threads abhorrent and yet is still posting.

You couldn't just not clicked on it. And saved us all having to read your nastiness.

tartanbow · 20/05/2020 19:52

@Fedhimtotigers coming from a person who is saying the things you are, I'll try not to be too offended.

I'm not going to defend why I find this subject upsetting as I'm sure a lot of people who have experienced loss would do. its incredibly hurtful and almost insulting, whether you agree with that or not I dont really care.

nastiness from the person calling people bitches...not sure why you're so angry but this is a discussion board, presumably the OP didnt expect everyone to agree with her..or say yes they have had those thoughts.

Fedhimtotigers · 20/05/2020 19:53

Unfortunately the OP can't expect everyone to be half decent. Again you're a prime example.

Once again. How about just leaving the threads you find abhorrent alone?

tartanbow · 20/05/2020 19:59

you got no business sitting up on your high horse after calling anyone who has a differing opinion bitches. you discredited yourself immediately.

no, you're right, I mustn't be a decent person for finding this subject emotive and thinking its immature to be disappointed. having a preference- sure okay I can understand that but disappointed? that's too strong for me and I wont pretend I understand it. the OP asked the question. this is an open discussion board - not everyone you talk to on here is going to agree with you

Fedhimtotigers · 20/05/2020 20:03

Me and my horse are fantastic thank you.

You don't have to agree. Now go along and tell people with PND to cheer up. Or that people who've had miscarriages should be happy they can get pregnant at all because some can't.. and on and on and on.

NaviSprite · 20/05/2020 20:06

Tartan I understand what you’re saying but it doesn’t negate the OP’s right to feel her own emotions however they may fall, gender disappointment (sex disappointment for the pedantic) is a well known phenomenon - it doesn’t mean OP loves her baby any less in any way and it’s just one of those things. Allow her to feel as she does without jumping on her on behalf of those of us who have lost babies.

I was the mum burying her stillborn son (delivered at 42 weeks - if they’d been a week earlier he’d have turned one last month) around this time last year, and I still think each person has a right to a bit of emotion regarding having a boy if you hoped for a girl/having a girl if hoping for a boy.

Doesn’t make the baby any less wanted IME

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 20/05/2020 20:13

I really think people who feel they may be disappointed when they don't get the sex of baby they wanted, should consider not bothering TTC. It can only go one of two ways.

tartanbow · 20/05/2020 20:14

why are you throwing things like that out there @Fedhimtotigers I experienced a miscarriage myself? I would understand where you are coming from a bit more if you weren't saying it so aggressively, why are you so angry?

I'm very sorry to hear that @navi, its awfully sad to loose a baby. I'm not saying what I am on behalf of anyone but myself and how I feel. like I said I get having a preference but I dont understand being disappointed I really dont. thats my own opinion, I dont expect nor feel entitled to everyone agreeing with it. this is a very emotive subject and I think when you post a thread on an open forum like this you must be aware that it is going to invoke fierce debate and massively varying opinions.

NerrSnerr · 20/05/2020 20:37

When I had my second baby we found out at the scan he was a boy and I felt a pant of disappointment as I really felt I was having a second girl. That changed quick and of course he's amazing and I wouldn't change him.

The thread has gone ridiculous. I hate the whole 'you can't feel sad or disappointed as there are people worse off than you' and we are all grateful for the lesson about sex vs gender once again- I'm sure the OP took notes and bows down to your superiority.

aSofaNearYou · 20/05/2020 20:46

This has been one of the most refreshingly non judgemental threads on this topic I've ever read on MN. But there's always at least one.

I don't think you should jump to any conclusions based on what they said OP but if you've got it in your head it means one thing, I would consider whether you are just torturing yourself by waiting. I found out at 20 weeks so freely admit I don't massively buy into the hype around waiting (I just wanted to know), but as others have said, it won't change anything whether you know or not, and you will undoubtedly love them the same anyway. If you feel like you're going to spend the rest of your pregnancy wondering which it is, then I would just find out now.

UrsulaSings · 20/05/2020 20:50

@Wewearpinkonwednesdays get a grip! As if because someone feels a bit of disappointment that should mean that they shouldn't have a baby and all the things that come with a life full of experiences! I cant believe anyone would even think that, it's ridiculous!

UrsulaSings · 20/05/2020 20:53

It's like people think that 'sex' disappointment lasts the entire life of the child, rather than being a transient but very real thing that usually is actually nothing to do with the baby themselves.

I dont understand how people can be so judgemental and close minded.

tartanbow · 20/05/2020 20:59

its ludicrous on a site like this when so many people have experienced loss or are struggling to conceive thst this couldn't potentially cause a strong reaction. it's very naive to not atleast acknowledge why this can be taken in a negative way.

the OP is entitled to feel how she likes, as is everyone else entitled on a public forum to express their feelings on the matter.

FourPlasticRings · 20/05/2020 21:03

Last pregnancy I was crying at random pop songs. Pregnancy isn't the most rational time, and OP openly admits that it's not actually a problem and she wants the baby either way, but she can't help how she feels. I bet most women who struggle with this sort of thing don't head into pregnancy thinking that the baby had better be their preferred sex or they'll hate it forever.

aSofaNearYou · 20/05/2020 21:03

Completely agree @UrsulaSings

But if I've learnt anything about MN it's that the slightest negative thought related to children can make you an absolute monster who shouldn't ever be allowed around them on here, even if it's perfectly natural and likely to pass.

If your hatred for one sex is so entrenched that it would actually be stronger than your love for your own baby once it's born, and make you incapable of raising them properly, then you shouldn't have children, yes. But for a huge majority of people who have these thoughts, it won't even last to the end of their pregnancy, let alone once the baby is born.

When you find out you are having one, it means you aren't having the other, and if you don't plan on having more children then that's quite a final thing. I really don't think feeling a little sadness about that is a sign that you should never have children.

nildesparandum · 20/05/2020 21:08

this reminds me of a few years ago. I was on a bus in front of a family who were shouting out their business to all the world
One of them was pregnant and they were announcing all together that she was going for a scan to ''see what she is getting''.
I had to stop myself from turning round and shouting ''she is getting a baby that's wha she's getting''
My grandmother always said ''You take what God sends you and give thanks''

aSofaNearYou · 20/05/2020 21:11

tartan a person who has recently lost their mum might find it emotive reading a thread in which someone complains about something to do with theirs.

This is literally the only scenario in which you get posters like you who think it is reasonable to shame someone for their feelings on the basis that somebody else has it worse. In every other circumstance, we recognise that if viewed that way, the cycle would go on and on until only the person who has it worst in the world is allowed to complain or struggle with anything.

This is mumsnet. There will be people struggling with infertility, but there will also be (primarily) people with children, and people struggling with issues related to children. It's nonsensical to think it's reasonable to respond to each of those threads that it is offensive for the people who can't have children (but are still choosing to read the thread) to have to read about the emotional issues of those who can.

ivfgottostaypositive · 20/05/2020 21:13

I have to agree largely with @tartanbow

The OP has asked a forum of strangers for their opinions - we don't all think the same nor should we. And we shouldn't aggressively be hounded by other posters just because our opinions differ.

It's ok to have a boy/girl preference but to express genuine "disappointment".... a healthy pregnancy ending in a healthy baby is a gift. Many women wouldn't care if the baby was a boy or girl as long as they get to go home with their baby. So yeah my opinion is that I don't get it, nor do I understand it but my history/past experiences inform my opinions on this matter just as the OPs does hers and she probably hasn't had the struggles of other women when it comes to having a baby?

These threads are always about disappointment that the baby is a boy and I think thats is overwhelming sad and a sad indictment of the value that we as women place on boys/men in society

Noti23 · 20/05/2020 21:18

Sometimes pregnancy can mess with your head. I always fancied having a boy first (I wasn’t too bothered, it was just a preference) and when I found out I was having a boy I stared “grieving” for the girl I could have had. It was ridiculous, it didn’t have any impact on my feelings for the baby though. I think I’d like to have a girl next time to see what it’s like but I know now that I’d be just as happy having a boy.

tartanbow · 20/05/2020 21:19

@aSofaNearYou I havent said the OP cant feel the way she can but that actually, a bit of perspective might not go amiss. again, not everyone is going to have the same opinion or feelings on things, particularly not when its emotive subjects. probably a good thing

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/05/2020 21:27

These threads are always about disappointment that the baby is a boy and I think thats is overwhelming sad and a sad indictment of the value that we as women place on boys/men in society ultimately that boils down to the fact these are mainly the opinions of women. I’m sure most men feel the opposite way.
Even if they don’t- there are plenty of nations in the world who favour boys don’t worry.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 20/05/2020 21:37

@UrsulaSings, but you do realise when people make the decision to try and conceive a child, they will either have a boy or a girl. Not really much point pinning all your hopes on having one or the other. It's a bit pointless. It's a bit more ridiculous to "feel" you are having a boy or girl, when you really have no idea until you find out at the scan, or when the baby is born.

aSofaNearYou · 20/05/2020 22:00

tartan yes, but if you specifically build your argument as to why it's ridiculous and shameful to experience these thoughts around the fact that other people can't have children so it is offensive to mention it, which many do, then I'm sorry but that's just not helpful or how the world works.

tartanbow · 20/05/2020 22:09

@aSofaNearYou I'm not having an argument, I'm stating I think this is an incredibly emotive subject which I don't personally understand. it's an honest opinion. I'm sorry it differs from yours but its what I think.

people having different thoughts, feelings and opinions is how the world works actually - imagine how incredibly boring it would be if we were all exactly the same.

CeibaTree · 20/05/2020 22:17

Why are these threads always about boys :(

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