Pregnant after loss and dreaming of rainbows - 3

[Avocuddles]

Just setting up placeholder for new thread.....

Ugh my post above doesn't make sense! When I say the same thing happened I mean the day before our bad news scan we had to have our rat Neil put to sleep which was very hard. My boyfriend in particular loves our rats and that weekend broke him with all the grief and upset.

@Lori86 I dont know if its just the times but I've found the midwives not to be very reassuring either. They just say "well I can't tell you what's going to happen" which I know is true, but usually they would be a bit more reassuring I thought! I'm sorry you're worried. I was crampy in the early weeks too and it is normal if that helps. Hope you can manage to relax a little soon xx

@MOGMOGMOG85 So sorry to hear about your pet rat passing away. That's awful. I would equally be devastated. Hope you're allowing yourself time to process that today. Glad you took the day off. xx

@mogmogmog85 thank you. I know it can be normal but it was at severe. It was definitely diarrhea cramps though so hopefully something just disagreed with me, but of course my mind has gone to worst case whereas I woukd have just taken it with a pinch of salt before.
I'm so sorry to hear about your pet. We had to have our beloved dog pts in December & I still really miss him. Its so hard, it's like losing a family member. Take the time you need to grieve him x

Congrats on your gorgeous girls @SammiLou2312 and @tmc14 how exciting, I hope you both feel reassured.

My 20 week scan is one week today and I am dreading this week, others who are waiting for theirs what are you doing to pas the time?! I'm furloughed so no burying my head in work sadly ☹️
I've been feeling the odd movement but nothing regular or dependable which is almost worse than nothing sometimes but I keep reminding myself this is normal at this point.

I can also recommend pregnancy for men book I also read it and it's lighthearted but comes from a perspective where the man actually wants the baby not like it's been forced upon him which I found a lot of the other books aimed at men seemed to do... think there's one called commando dad which seemed awfully sexist from the blurb.

Hi, everyone! Been stressing about intermittent/mild symptoms, but then I double-checked and I'm still only 5.5 weeks so actually getting more in the way of symptoms than I did last time at this stage. Slightly queasy, breasts killing me and heat (e.g. cooking) makes me feel light-headed.

I can't seem to commit emotionally to this at all yet. I mean I'm sure I have and I know I'd take a miscarriage very hard, but I'm not currently feeling anything apart from "this is probably all going to be over next week" which doesn't feel like the right spirit at all.

Thanks @Avocuddles. In truth, I'm freaked out today. I saw Boris will be making an announcement on Sunday about lifting the lockdown and the draft recommendations for office workees are to tape off certain areas & desks to ensure the 2m social distancing rule is adhered to. Supposedly office workers will now have staggered start times (effectively shift work). My boss says it's likely we'll be on a rota system. I'm totally freaked out because I didn't want to tell them at all before my 12ws, but now I'm feeling forced to do so. I then started thinking I should have an early scan to at least know if it's even worth saying anything. The last thing I want is congratulations from my entire team who mean well, but it's a very precarious stage and I'd rather a) no one know and certainly b) no one be joyous for me as I'm not joyous myself! If we have a rota and my name is not on it, they'll know immediately what's going on as I don't have any underlying health issues and they know this since before the lockdown. The only possible change of circumstances is pregnancy. I now think maybe I should have an early scan this week to at least see if this pregnancy is progressing before telling work? I'm worried sick and walking round in circles about this whole thing, the last thing I wanted is to have attention brought on to my pregnancy right now 😭 I'm dead worried about how I'd cope if it's another MMC and I'd have weeks of waiting for it to resolve itself too, I'm in a complete catch-22 situation and I hate it.

@MrsMGE sorry that you're feeling so unsure. I would take everything in the media with a very big pinch of salt. There are alsorts of headlines flying about based on draft stuff that's going backwards and forwards. Nothing is set in stone and the stuff I have read continues to support home working wherever it is feasible. A lot of the stuff they're talking about is for industries where you can't physically work from home.

Honestly from a work point of view I would tell your manager and tell them you want it kept private. It's nothing to do with anyone else, there is no reason for anyone but you to know your rota. I wouldn't think about this from a point of view of the potential for something to go wrong. Just from the perspective of doing the best you can to care for you and the bean. If other people want to speculate that's on them and I would hope that no one would be rude enough to invade your privacy.

Try not to tie yourself in knots, I know it's easier said than done x

@Knotemma Thank you for your kind words. I have a feeling that they'll introduce these new rules from next week, they tend to put out a tester few days before actually introducing the changes and the papers seem to be right about things. Plus there's a formal consultation going on right now between the government and hundreds of employers, including professional services (so office workers). Realistically, it's a matter of days or a couple of weeks now IMO, which doesn't help in my situation. There's no way I'd hide it from my team either if my name is not on a rota, we're close and as I said even if I don't tell them the reason, they'll know immediately as there's no other reason for me not to come in. This is the nightmare unfolding right in front of me, which I've so desperately tried to avoid x

@MOGMOGMOG85 I'm so sorry about your beloved rat! 😢 it's so sad when a pet dies, they are really family members! And rats are so clever, I'm sure he had an amazing life with you guys.

@Lori86 welcome ☺️ don't worry about the cramps, I had that in early pregnancy but that was literally the bad tummy (diarrhea) due to all the hormones changing and not the pregnancy itself! I googled lots and asked my Dr, the bad tummy cramping feels so similar to a potential miscarriage it's scary! It's not though as I guess you felt better straight after you've gone to the loo? And congrats on your pregnancy 😄

@TunnocksTcake @Avocuddles we all have our 20 week scans next week, it feels good and supportive we're a small group going through the same thing!

@MrsMGE I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, I completely understand how you feel! There's nothing worse than feeling like you have to tell people when you're not ready. it's a difficult situation but you have to protect yourself when you're pregnant, I think I'd probably just go for the early scan as I just like you wouldn't want to say anything if I didn't have to. It all feels so personal and I'm sorry you're in this situation 😢 I really do feel though that the chances are much more likely that all is well with the pregnancy than not, even though I know it doesn't feel like that atm and scans gives you anxiety. When do you think you're manager will make a call on the rota etc? 1 or 2 weeks?

@MrsMGE sorry crosspost, saw your reply about the timing. Ah that's difficult 😩 what are you leaning towards?

@MrsMGE - I think it's unlikely that within the next week or two most office workers will be expected to go back into work, for a start it will take most organisations some time to get up to the required standards and I suspect a lot of employees will refuse to physically go into work if there's still the opportunity to work from home. I agree with @Knotemma that if your work does start to put on pressure to go on to the office that it's probably worth telling your manager and asking them to keep quiet about it. There will be many people who don't want to go into the office for all sorts of reasons so unless you work in a very small team I doubt you'll be the only one. I was made to WFH a week before the rest of the team as my line manager knew (and also knows about my miscarriages) but as far as everyone else was concerned it was because my DH has a underlying health condition so I wanted to protect him. It was somewhat ironic that in spite of being the first one to move to full time working from home I fell ill within a couple of days with far worse symptoms than any of my colleagues but that's just my luck I guess! Worse case scenario if you don't want to tell anyone at all you could always say that you or your partner has possible symptoms so you need to continue working from home for another two weeks and during that period you could have a scan if you want? But as @Knotemma says try not to worry yourself too much, at the moment everything is hypothetical - other than the fact that today you are pregnant 

@CarterBeatsTheDevil we all know the feelings you're describing, the early weeks are awful and symptoms so inconsistent with plenty of ladies feeling nothing at all at your stage so please try not to worry. I felt exactly like you during my second pregnancy (which didn't work out) and the current one which is now at 19 weeks. It's just impossible to know one way or the other and hard as it is all you can do is try to keep busy and remember that regardless of your past experiences a new pregnancy usually starts with the odds in your favour.

@TunnocksTcake I'm still not feeling definite movements, I have some popping sensations sometimes which might be, but not enough to feel certain. Everything I've read says that there's no point trying to analyse movement prior to 24 weeks so I'm trying not to worry for now, it's my lack of weight gain that is concerning me more even though there's no denying the rather sizeable bump that has appeared over the past 3 weeks! I'm counting down the days until next Monday too, I'm working from home which I guess helps pass the time a bit quicker, also been working on a painfully difficult puzzle (Disney themed!), doing sudokus and reading to try to fill the time and distract me from browsing the internet for baby things.....

@MOGMOGMOG85 sorry to hear about your rat. We used to have rats when I was a child and they were such friendly and fun characters, it's always heartbreaking when one dies. We will all be crossing our fingers for you on Wednesday, hopefully some uplifting news coming your way.

@Lori86 I had a lot of upset stomachs and related cramping throughout the first trimester. It's really disconcerting but unfortunately really common for your digestive system to go haywire when your hormones are surging. Hopefully it'll be a one off and no EPU visit will be required.

Ditto re cross posting.....also no idea why everything has gone bold, I'm not shouting!

@SunStruck I am positive (based on the fact we were working as normal right up till the very end when the lockdown started) that when the measures are lifted, my employer will adopt them very quickly. I won't have another 4-5 weeks needed to get me to my 12ws.

I am honestly stuck. We booked an early scan for later this week just to have the time slot, but I'm utterly petrified and not convinced this is the right thing to do. You know I was determined to wait till 12ws before for reasons which I still consider valid. However, there has always been that 5% doubt as to whether I'd actually be able to wait that long. I have been struggling with time dragging particularly since last week, it's just very hard to understand I'm only halfway there and there's another 4-5 week wait to even know if the baby is alive. So now when this whole rota thing came up in conversation with my boss, I felt like this has hit the wrong button with me and it's played on my existing worries and anxieties. Now they're through the roof. I just don't want this pregnancy to be known to everyone. If I knew that the baby is alive, although things can still go wrong, I'd possibly find it a tad easier to accept people already know as there would be a decent chance. My own mum doesn't even know yet, it's such a mess 😭 On the other hand, the fact they don't offer D&Cs now is a huge worry to me. If it's another MMC I think I'd seriously struggle with the other two options, waiting for things to happen naturally can take ages, and medical management is not for me, I was extremely poorly after it. I just feel paralysed and unable to make a decision and I'm stressed to death. We shouldn't be forced to disclosing private information like that so soon 😔

@Avocuddles DH is a key worker, my boss and colleagues knows he doesn't have any underlying health issues because we talked about things openly when the lockdown started (and before I found out about the pregnancy, otherwise I would have very possibly kept my mouth shut!). Even if I say he's got symptoms, this only saves me for 2 weeks. I need 4-5 weeks (plus what if DH were to genuinely get ill at a later date?). Rota system will be introduced as soon as they can, it's not going to be an issue for us as we've had it considered already before the lockdown, as a temporary measure. It'll be very quick. I'm trying to see what the best way out of this is, but really can't at the moment.

@MrsMGE I didn't tell my parents until after 12 weeks this time around even though several people at work knew for sure and others had no doubt suspected. Your business is your business and no one else's, just say you can't come in for medical reasons and if people speculate then so be it. Re symptoms etc, it's not a case of be off once and then you can never be sick again - at the end of the day every business will want to be super cautious and anyone with the slightest sniffle might as well be in exile! I work in a very large office (c 2000 head office employees!)which had a rota system in place during the week pre lockdown and which I believe has a consultancy team working at the moment to review what the future of office / home based working looks like. Out of my colleagues I know the vast majority wouldn't be willing to come into the office just yet - many have childcare concerns, others are nervous about the health risks in spite of no underlying issues themselves, and others rely on public transport which simply isn't safe / doesn't have adequate socially distanced capacity if significant numbers return to work.

The fact that the announcement isn't until Sunday probably buys you another week even if your employer is very much on the front door.
Your other option would of course be to simply go to work if asked - many front line and essential services workers (including some in this group) are still working in their first and second trimesters, ultimately it's your call....

Try not to work through hypothetical worst case scenarios in your head, I know it's impossible to not dwell on our past experiences but every pregnancy is very different and even in the worst case scenario (which is statistically unlikely) your experience could be very different. My second loss happened naturally within a week of my awful scan. It was awful but no medical intervention was required. I don't want to sound patronising by saying trying to be positive, but really it's all you can do at the moment. There are numerous of us here in the 'third time lucky' club and we definitely plan to count you amongst our ranks!

@MrsMGE I really feel for you - I've had a lot of anxieties around the work situation too.

Although it sounds like no options are ideal for you, would it help to break the situation down and actually outline what your options are in order for you to make a decision (however undesirable) re moving forward?

I guess some of your options are -

Return to work and don't tell anyone. What are positives and negatives of this option?

Tell your manager and continue to wfh - assume colleagues might guess you're pregnant. What are the positives and negatives of this option?

Similar to above but confide in colleagues that it's a v difficult time re the pregnancy... (you mentioned you're a close team?)

Say you have symptoms and are self isolating for two weeks from first day of being rotad into work - buys you
a little longer to make a decision?

Go to your doctor and ask to be signed off with anxiety / stress? From the tone of your messages it does sound like you're (understandably) struggling with all the pressure you're having to deal with?

You probably have other / less options - you know your situation better than us, but I guess it sometimes helps to outline exactly what you're dealing with. I'm sorry there's no ideal solution, it's very unfair 😞

@Avocuddles @SunStruck @TunnocksTcake I have my 20 week scan next week too - Monday! So nervous! It's reassuring to have this group and know other people are feeling similarly and going through it at similar times too! I think at least three of us have our scans on Monday?!

Afternoon all, just been for our 12 week scan and luckily everything is looking good so far. We had our private scan on saturday which showed all was fine and I'm glad we did that in the end because I think it did help my nerves today and DH was able to be there with me. I know he found it really hard having to wait outside for me today.

Anyway our little bean is measuring perfectly, date has moved forward a couple of days so I'm 13 weeks today which puts my due date at 9.11.20 which is not ideal as that's the anniversary of the date we found out we'd lost Isla. However we know that I won't go to full term this time, I'll either be induced or have an elective c section early. At least for today I can say I am pregnant and everything is looking good. Here's a little pic of baby sucking its thumb for you lovelies.

Updated my weeks:
@Bellsx23 wks (due 20/08/20)
@Rachael32123 wks (due 20/08/20)
@Pugmum1918wks (due 31/08/20)
@UrsulaSings17wks (due 07/09/20)
@Hoping202019wks (due 13/09/20)
@SammiLou231220wks⁣ (due 17/09/20)
@Knotemma19wks⁣ (due 23/09/20)
@LilMrsS19wks (due 24/09/20)
@didslysquiddlydoo19wks due 26/09/20)
@TunnocksTcake19wks (due 26/09/20)
@avocuddles19wks (due 27/09/20)
@Sunflower160819wks with twins (due 28/09/20)
@SunStruck19wks (due 28/09/20)⁣
@Scout2019wks (due 29/09/20)
@Littlegoth18wks (due 30/09/20)
@HighHopes2016wks (due 03/10/20)⁣
@Treaclepie1917wks (due 07/10/20)⁣
@Aria201510wks
@tmc1416wks (due 11/10/20)
@Hagster13wks (due 12/10/20)⁣
@seaduck12wks (due 17/10/20)
@DressingGown8713wks (20/10/20)
@rachelrainbow(11 weeks, due 1/11/20)
@teaandtantrums9013 wks (due 05/11/20)
@AnxiousLady113 wks (due 07/11/20)
@Shefliesonherownwings13 wks (due 09/11/20)
@Whiffle778 weeks (due 04/12/20)
@MOGMOGMOG858 wks (due 13/12/20)

@Shefliesonherownwings yay congratulations!!! So happy for you! What an adorable scan picture 🥰

@didslysquiddlydoo yes we're all in the Monday Club! 

Great post to @MrsMGE by the way - you summed up the options really succinctly.

I know pregnant women have been grouped into the highest (but not highest) risk category but as there are a number of professions still working I do wonder whether we'll be 'shielded' from workplaces in the long term or whether we'll be phased back in. I dread the thought of not going back to work prior to maternity leave, I would happily work from home the majority of the time but the thought of NEVER seeing my colleagues in the next 20 weeks is a strange one.....

@Shefliesonherownwings so glad the scan went well, cute little thumb sucker!

@Avocuddles Ahhh the Monday Club is a popular one!!!

I work for the NHS and our trust told us we should be in work, practicing normal social distancing until 28 weeks. Our manager basically gave the pregnant women the option of joining the shielding for 12 weeks or continue at work - two of us stayed at home and one is at work (and getting on fine). My manager reckons that the advice will still be to stay off after 28 weeks, which I will be about a week off at the end of the shielding period. I'm like you - finding it a very weird thought to potentially not see my colleagues for such a long time... if I don't return to work I'll have left, abruptly, with nobody knowing, and be returning (hopefully) with a nearly one year old at home... it's too weird to think about!!!

Thank you @Avocuddles @didslysquiddlydoo. I do think it helps when someone from the outside rationalises things for you. I actually wouldn't mind being in the office, the bigger issue is my commute on the terribly crowded at all times public transport which defeats the purpose. I've now had a coffee and took a step back from my initial "woo omg, what do I do now" state of madness. I think you're right, ultimately I have to just do the right thing at the right time. I'll tell them when I have to, I won't rush things before they are absolutely necessary. The uncertainty of everything has got to me today, but when I think about things calmly, nothing has changed as yet, and maybe it will be a bit longer before they bring office workers back.

The scan anxiety is a completely separate issue and I'll need to give this another thought, as I am struggling with the idea of another 4-5 week wait, but not sure if I'd want to know early about the MMC because of the limited options. I don't have the answer to this yet, but maybe I'll get there. Thanks all for being so understanding to my major wobble!!! Xxx