Pregnant after loss and dreaming of rainbows - 3

[Avocuddles]

Just setting up placeholder for new thread.....

@Rachael321 look at that gorgeous bump! Congratulations on your travel system arriving! Ours came today too, spent the afternoon putting things together and figuring it out. The pushchair is bigger than I expected, but it is fab. I've bought this one specifically because it is a proper "off roader" and the car seat that comes with it is i-level, so has a lie flat option. I have a really big thing about babies being left sitting/sleeping in car seats, so the lie flat option has given me a lot of peace of mind.

With the arrival of baby stuff it's all starting to feel very real, especially because it's all in my bedroom right now... The down side of next day delivery when you're disorganised 🙈.

I’m not doing so well today, just so sad because I’m convinced that when I get my 12week scan (I got a date now -14th May when ill be 12+2), I’m just so sure it’ll be another mmc. Like a lot of you I’ve been having very vivid dreams this pregnancy (I sort of remember this as my main symptom when pregnant with my son 12yrs ago actually), but last night my dream was repeated variations on going for scan and discovering mmc...so depressing!
Anyway, it’s crap feeling like this. I’ve been busy working all week so had less chance to think I suppose. Had a hospital antenatal appointment on Thursday and the doc did offer to scan me there and then, but I keep declining as I am so sure it’ll be bad news and I don’t want to know! Plus I was at work (work in the hospital and had just popped along to clinic).
Bleurgh...! Felt better to just get that out, thanks for reading and sorry for the downer. I’m sorry I haven’t contributed loads over the last week, still reading and following.

Sorry you're feeling so rubbish @MysteriousSheep everything you are feeling is completely normal though! I know you know all this but the odds of you having a good scan far outweigh the odds of you having one with bad news. New pregnancy, new sperm new egg. We all just have to keep on taking it day by day, and know that probably tomorrow will be a better day. 14th May isnt too long to wait now, I hope the next couple of weeks are kind to you. A bad dream can always take some time to recover from too.

@SammiLou2312 yeah proper movements and kicks. Still lots of little flutters too.im 24 weeks and have and anterior placenta so I'm kinda surprised at how much I'm feeling if I'm honest.

@Knotemma I only have wee things at home and the big things in mums spare room! And any bug things getting delivered are going straight there! So it's full of boxes there, I cant imagine what it's like tripping over it all

Has anyone heard from their community midwife during all this? I haven’t seen her since by booking appointment! Worried as I’m 19 weeks and haven’t got a date for 24 week appt yet or anything! X

@Anon20something I had a phone appointment with my midwife at 16 weeks... Have you tried calling her to see how it's being dealt with?

@Anon20something mine called me at about 15 weeks because she had her dates mixed up, told me I'd need an appointment for 26 May, but that I'd need to ring the doctor's closer to the time to make it. Haven't heard anything else though.

@SammiLou2312 she called me to cancel my 16 week appointment but I never had a phone one! Got my 20 week scan in 2 weeks but haven’t heard from my midwife at all so was thinking I’d try and call/text her after that? I was supposed to have extra care after last time but that hasn’t materialised...

@Anon20something I don't think I am due to see her again until 25/26 weeks... I had a load of test results she needed to go through with me at 16 weeks so maybe that's why...I'd give her a call to discuss if in doubt x

@SammiLou2312 I think I’ll give her a ring! Don’t want to miss it or anything as I know I have tests to do and things and to sort out consultants etc! Anxiety taking over again!

Thank you @Knotemma @Avocuddles and @AnxiousLady1 for your replies, and particularly on insight into the men in your lives too! It's given me some food for thought and I think we def need to try and communicate more. He's a fantastic loving supportive partner but clearly expressing himself isn't his thing! But we def need to get a bit better at navigating scary emotions before whatever happens next... gosh is anyone else feeling a bit scared about the prospect of giving birth/becoming a parent? I've been wanting to become a mum for so so long that i've almost lost sight of why if that makes sense! its just been all about trying to conceive and falling pregnant, and not miscarrying for so long. when thoughts about the gravity of the changes in our lives we'll need to make creep in it actually makes me feel quite panicky! If i am lucky and get a positive scan under my belt reckon i'll benefit from reading some books - birth books, parenting books, to help me feel a bit (probably falsely) prepared at least!

@MysteriousSheep I feel you on that scan anxiety. Best of luck in the run up to yours - mine is May 6th next week, only 8 and a half weeks but that will be a huge step for me - never seen a heartbeat before. I think it's unavoidable to have those thoughts and feelings that it's just going to be the same as before, and on this thread particularly you can't avoid the fact that it's a possibility. But the odds really are on our side. Ive found the closer a scan comes the more scared I am. I even thought about cancelling/postponing but the reality is for me that I just want to know now. I'm squeezing everything for the both of us! xx

Also - sick of feeling sick now :( its not chucking up but just constant nausea and food aversions. The only thing I've enjoyed eating today is strawberries, which I'm grateful for, but I've just spent about an hour and a half assembling a delicious lasagne and gradually over that time felt less and less like eating it and more and more sick, prob just going to have one or two forkfuls when it's cooked :'( i know there's bigger problems in the world but at this time when there is nothing to do, no-one to socialise with, I just want to be able to enjoy a bit of food :'( woe is me

@MOGMOGMOG85 I totally get you on the reality of actually being a parent not fully sinking in yet. I've been so worried about the pregnancy going okay that I've buried my head in the sand until now. And I equally think I should probably be reading things too, so I at least know what to expect with the pregnancy itself. Someone casually mentioned something to me yesterday about something pregnant people should avoid (that I was not avoiding through whole first trinester). I then spent an hour reading online in a panic! By the end I'd satisfied myself that I'd panicked unnecessarily, but I was thinking there was a fine line between being afraid to Google things, and not reading any information at all 🙈

@MOGMOGMOG85 I know the feeling. The nausea and aversions were worse than actually being sick!! There were days I was wanting myself to be sick to try and feel better! Hope it eases soon

So I'm spiralling a bit tonight. Prescan anxiety has kicked in really bad now...usually happens but I at least usually had my hubby with me to keep me calm in hospital. We don't drive so I have to go completely alone in a taxi as he can't wait there at all...

On another note, we tried to take my mind off anxiety today by finishing painting the nursery 🥰 just hoping it's good news tomorrow now so we can start with furniture etc that we have bought.

@SammiLou2312 the nursery looks amazing - SO impressed! Will be thinking of you for your scan - good luck, I hope you're able to enjoy it and that it all goes perfectly xxx

@MOGMOGMOG85 I feel the anxiety too; I still find it hard to imagine him actually being here and I’m worried I’ll not know what to do, especially when I should be a pro after already having a baby, the only normal mum thing I got to do with her was give her a bath 😪

@SammiLou2312 will be thinking of you tomorrow, I don't think scans will ever stop being a nerve wracking experience but hopefully it will be a really positive one for you. Your nursery paintings are beautiful, you are so talented!

I still have a week to go and the anxiety is definitely setting in. I also feel like I'm suffering quite badly with health anxiety, I'm paranoid another every single twinge as well as a bit of muscle pain in my leg. I had a DVT over 10 years ago and although I'm on blood thinners I guess it's hard to not jump to the worst case scenario with the slightest, no doubt harmless sensation. I'm similarly paranoid about my DHs health because he had a heart attack at just 33, again he's fully medicated now and doing fine four years on but it's hard to not have an acute awareness for our own mortality....

@Anon20something as others have said it's worth giving your midwife a ring to find out exactly what the process is where you are in terms of midwife appointments. Have you been taken through your first trimester blood test results? My 16 week call just entailed her talking me through the results (and me reading out my downs / Edwards / Patau scores to her) and then telling me to get in touch again after the 20 week scan to book in a whooping cough jab and the next midwife appointment. I'm consultant led but most of my consultant appointments have moved to telephone appointments and they've reduced the frequency of my blood tests. Nonetheless you would expect to have at least had some communication to manage your expectations around what appointments to expect and when so again make sure you chase it up!

@MOGMOGMOG85 to be honest I still don't feel in a place to truly accept the possibility of giving birth / being a parent, I guess it's a defence mechanism but I decided early on that I wouldn't let myself think that way until the 20 week anatomy scan was out of the way. I've got a private Pinterest board of baby things that I started in the last week or two, but again won't buy any baby things until after the scan (though my maternity wardrobe is growing as a matter of necessity!).
Re good books, my DH has been enjoying 'Pregnancy for Men', I've read it too and found it better than the other books I've read so would definitely recommend it....
Hope your nausea eases soon. Mine was never particularly bad but probably peaked (along with tiredness and breast pain) around 9-10 weeks then started easing off.

Wishing you all a good day ahead

Morning everybody.
@SammiLou2312 so sorry you’re feeling the scan anxiety too. Best of luck for tomorrow, will be thinking of you. Hope everything goes well and you can get back in sorting your fabulous nursery! What a lucky baby!

@Avocuddles it’s hard when you get that awareness of your own mortality! I have type 1 diabetes, and although it’s something I try not to think about too much, sometimes I get so sad about all the possible complications and subsequent shortening of my life expectancy. Even though, like you and your prev DVT, I have all the appropriate medication and surveillance etc, and I’ve had diabetes for over 20yrs and no complications yet. I find these feelings go in cycles, and at the moment I think I’m too busy being concerned re another mmc to worry much about my long term health, so that’s something!

@MOGMOGMOG85 have you tried travel sickness bands? I wear mine 24/7 and since then the edge has really been taken off my nausea. Still plenty I don't fancy and may be a coincidence but I feel a lot more human.
I'm the same about being mum, I haven't fully taken that in - everything has been about the pregnancy, and I still don't believe there is don't baby in my belly that will come home with me. A friend just had a baby and the pics made me so broody - surely that's ridiculous when I am already pregnant?!
Good luck today @SammiLou2312 I think I would have scan anxiety even if I hadn't experienced loss, and it's even harder if you have to face it on your own. Hope you feel a bit better today and that all goes well, I'm sure it will and I hope it is a good experience for you!
I'm knackered today, felt a lot better so was very active yesterday - feeling it now!! Weather is rubbish so I think it will be a very lazy day.

Thank you everyone for your kind words of support... Had my scan this morning and can happily say that our little baby girl is doing amazingly well. Suddenly feeling extremely real lol x

@SammiLou2312 Aaaaah congrats!!! Was this your first time knowing the sex?? Love seeing all the positive 20 week scans. Giving me reassurance for mine which is still 7 weeks away 🙈

@AnxiousLady1 yeah it was the first time finding out but we have had our suspicions that we were having a girl for a while x