Pregnant after loss and dreaming of rainbows - 3

[Avocuddles]

Just setting up placeholder for new thread.....

Updating my weeks! Hope everyone's doing ok? Got my scan on Thursday so nervous!!

@Bellsx 23 wks (due 20/08/20)
@Rachael321 23 wks (due 20/08/20)
@Pugmum19 18wks (due 31/08/20)
@UrsulaSings 17wks (due 07/09/20)
@Hoping2020 19wks (due 13/09/20)
@SammiLou2312 19wks⁣ (due 17/09/20)
@Knotemma 18wks⁣ (due 23/09/20)
@LilMrsS 18wks (due 24/09/20)
@didslysquiddlydoo 18wks due 26/09/20)
@TunnocksTcake 18wks (due 26/09/20)
@avocuddles 18wks (due 27/09/20)
@Sunflower1608 18wks with twins (due 28/09/20)
@SunStruck 18wks (due 28/09/20)⁣
@Scout20 14wks (due 29/09/20)
@Littlegoth 17wks (due 30/09/20)
@HighHopes20 16wks (due 03/10/20)⁣
@Treaclepie19 16wks (due 07/10/20)⁣
@Aria2015 10wks
@tmc14 15wks (due 11/10/20)
@Hagster 13wks (due 12/10/20)⁣
@seaduck 12wks (due 17/10/20)
@DressingGown87 13wks (20/10/20)
@rachelrainbow (11 weeks, due 1/11/20)
@teaandtantrums90 12 wks (due 07/11/20)
@AnxiousLady1 12 wks (due 07/11/20)
@Shefliesonherownwings 9 wks (due 10/11/20)
@Whiffle77 8 weeks (due 04/12/20)
@MOGMOGMOG85* 7 wks (due 13/12/20)

@MrsMGE I did think you'd been a little quiet over the last couple of days. Understand it will be difficult for any of us to give you the peace of mind you need right now. What I can say is I absolutely had little to no symtoms prior to 8 weeks. What I do recall is having spotting and a lot of period like pains. So I was constantly thinking that was the end. MS didn't kick in for me at all until after I'd had private scan at 7+5 and at the time I read how it was normal for it to not hit before then. I know you said you didn't want to get a scan privately. Are you still decided on this? It may offer some reassurance (albeit temporary as we all know). Try not to worry yourself too much. Xx

@MrsMGE sorry to hear you are not feeling too great at the moment about your pregnancy...symptoms can come and go so try not to worry too much. I would definitely advise arranging your booking appointment and speaking to a midwife, they may even be able to look into an early scan for you potentially... I get what you mean about not knowing what you need right now, just know we are here for you. As an ear to listen if you just need to get things off your chest or to provide support as best we can. Try to take it easy and not stress too much about things...I know it's easier said than done sometimes. Sending virtual hugs x

@teaandtantrums90 congrats on 12 weeks and good luck for your scan x

@Knotemma sorry to hear you are feeling sick again. Hopefully it's just a one off thing and eases up again soon. It was rather warm last night where I live so maybe that had something to do with it if it was warm near you too? Hope you feel better soon x

@teaandtantrums90 Best of luck with your scan on Thursday! Hoping this week isn't too stressful for you in the run up. Keep yourself distracted. xx

@AnxiousLady1 Thank you, it's very kind of you to say all this. I think I'm set on not having early scans because in my first pregnancy I had a good early scan and was over the moon only to find out the baby has died the day after, at my next scan. It broke me. So I can't bear to have that again. And if it was supposed to be bad news, I can't bear having medical management which was awful for me, or knowing the bad news and waiting for weeks on end for things to progress naturally. I said on earlier threads I was on I'd only ever decide to have D&C as treatment for MC, unless there were signs of an upcoming natural miscarriage. No one would offer a D&C now. So I would prefer not to risk it, and also not to expose myself to the CV unless absolutely necessary. It's all a bit of a mess, eh.

I hate bringing the mood down, sorry about that. I should really get a grip and go back to my acceptance frame of mind. Xxx

Thank you @SammiLou2312 for your kind ear to listen and virtual hugs. A problem shared is a problem halved xxx

@mrsmge my pleasure...it's what we are all here for. Yes, we love to hear good news but we are all very wary of the harder times too (most of us have our moments of sad times / worry). You are not alone and we all have our fingers crossed for good news for everyone x

@MrsMGE You have absolutely nothing to apologise for. Everyone on here us all too familiar with how you are feeling now. And I know I continue to feel a lot of anxiety despite scan Friday. As do those who are further along. I don't know if the worry will go away for any of us. I agree with what @SammiLou2312 has said, in that having your booking appointment may give the opportunity to discuss your concerns with the midwife, and she may give be able to ease your worry a little, or book your dating scan in a little earlier.

And totally understand the decision to not get a private scan. I went through that whole thought process myself last week. Xx

Sending love @MrsMGE This is pregnancy number 4 for me and I would advise anyone not to pay too much attention to symptoms. I had hardly any symptoms with my first or second pregnancies - MMC and MC - and lots of symptoms with my third, being sick every morning etc., and still a MMC. This time around, my symptoms were variable until around 9 weeks then I started feeling more regularly nauseous. Even then, I sometimes went days without anything or with very little and said to DH I thought it had all stopped again but it hadn’t. Baby could still be absolutely fine in there! I know it’s the not knowing that hurts so much. From your previous experience, I understand why you don’t want to go for an early scan. I wish there was another way we could have definite reassurance! Try to keep a little bit of hope that everything is ok, although I absolutely understand wanting to prepare for the worst (I did the same for every scan). Lots of love to you x

Thanks ladies @anxiouslady1 and @sammilou2312 xx

@Hoping2020 That's such a lovely post, thank you You brought smile back on my face xxx

@MrsMGE hey sister I'm sorry you're feeling a bit worried and low 🥺 as all the other ladies here pointed out, symptoms really come and go in the early stages. I was so sick and nauseous with my first one which turned out to be a mmc (and still felt that sick for weeks after I found out). And I felt exactly the same during this pregnancy, and I'm 18 weeks now. We simply don't know, but the odds are really in your favor that everything is fine with this pregnancy as you know... new sperm and a new egg 😄 and Today You're Pregnant! I completely understand why you don't want an early scan, have a think about it and don't book one if you're not sure. For me, it did provide some kind of comfort to know things were in the right place but that's very personal.

In either case I completely understand what you're going through and the anxiety, I wish I could take it all away for you ❤️

@MrsMGE - glad to hear it Please know that we know how you feel and you’re absolutely not alone. There was a time when I didn’t ever think I’d be sitting here at 20 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby and I’m sure others feel the same. If it can happen for us, it can absolutely happen for you!

Does anyone have a particular item or something they’re looking forward to buying when they get to a certain stage of pregnancy? I’ve always wanted maternity dungarees and DH promised, when we finally got a successful 12-week scan, that he would buy me some. I decided to wait until my 20-week scan but, after it went well on Friday, I ordered some and can’t wait for them to arrive! What are you all looking forward to buying? And yes, let’s be optimistic and focus on some positives because we deserve to!

@Hoping2020 My thing is definitely dungarees too!! Like everyone else I'm holding off on buying anything until after the 20 week mark. I'm kind of in limbo where none of my trousers fit me, but I don't want to consider buying maternity clothing yet in case I jinx myself. It's good that I'm WFH as I've been rocking dresses around the house and leggings (that I have to roll below tummy). Waistbands are not my friend and haven't been for a few weeks now. But I think this is probably bloating that might go down again.

@Hoping2020 I've got some maternity dungarees in a stretchy t-shirt type fabric from boohoo that I adore, I think I'm going to look for some more. I'm looking all a bit earth mother in my hareem all in ones at the moment but they're so comfy 😂 (photo attached from last week for a laugh, I definitely don't look like that today)

I've been really excited about buying nappies, because we're going down the cloth route and they are so damn cute. I gave in and ordered some from Amazon and I can't wait to see them in real life, they're all adorable. I'm also going to find a teddy so I can get used to putting them on and off 😂. Otherwise I'm looking to keep baby stuff minimal and trying to buy stuff with some longevity, so a pack and play with a bassinet, rather than a Moses basket for in our bedroom, an i-size car seat, that type of thing. I'm definitely having a lot of fun watching YouTube videos of so called "must haves"

@AnxiousLady1 @Hoping2020 oh I bought some maternity wear for work and also for a holiday (that was coming up) already when I was 8 weeks pregnant just because it was a massive sale on... even though I didn't need maternity clothes then. I thought it would be good to save for later. obviously didn't foresee covid and lockdown 🤦🏻‍♀️ now I'm not even sure if pregnant women will be allowed to go back to work anytime soon, and holiday cancelled! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thank you @SunStruck @Hoping2020. You're right, I have to think it's going to happen one day, and maybe this time, who knows.

Am I the only on here who decided not to have the early scan at all?

@knotemma - love those dungarees! I don't have much maternity wear, I think I'll just wear the few bits I had from last time, plus my yoga pants, which have a massive unfolding band bit at the top which should be comfy. I doubt I'll be going anywhere nice so I don't suppose it matters! I would love a pair of dungarees but not sure I can face shopping.

@MrsMGE Sorry you're feeling down. I said up thread a bit, I'm actually struggling more now I'm past 12 weeks. Sorry if that makes you feel like the anxiety will never end, but I just wanted to say that I think in all our situations it's completely normal to have times like this, and not just in the early days. I thought I did quite well up to 12 weeks, but I talked about it with DH at the weekend and he nearly spat his drink out and said I was awful! At least you're self aware enough to know that you are struggling... Keeping everything crossed that tomorrow is a little easier, and the next day, and that soon the good days will outweigh the bad.

Updating my weeks (bit late, but never mind)

@Bellsx 23 wks (due 20/08/20)
@Rachael321 23 wks (due 20/08/20)
@Pugmum19 18wks (due 31/08/20)
@UrsulaSings 17wks (due 07/09/20)
@Hoping2020 19wks (due 13/09/20)
@SammiLou2312 19wks⁣ (due 17/09/20)
@Knotemma 18wks⁣ (due 23/09/20)
@LilMrsS 18wks (due 24/09/20)
@didslysquiddlydoo 18wks due 26/09/20)
@TunnocksTcake 18wks (due 26/09/20)
@avocuddles 18wks (due 27/09/20)
@Sunflower1608 18wks with twins (due 28/09/20)
@SunStruck 18wks (due 28/09/20)⁣
@Scout20 14wks (due 29/09/20)
@Littlegoth 17wks (due 30/09/20)
@HighHopes20 16wks (due 03/10/20)⁣
@Treaclepie19 16wks (due 07/10/20)⁣
@Aria2015 10wks
@tmc14 16wks (due 11/10/20)
@Hagster 13wks (due 12/10/20)⁣
@seaduck 12wks (due 17/10/20)
@DressingGown87 13wks (20/10/20)
@rachelrainbow (11 weeks, due 1/11/20)
@teaandtantrums90 12 wks (due 07/11/20)
@AnxiousLady1 12 wks (due 07/11/20)
@Shefliesonherownwings 9 wks (due 10/11/20)
@Whiffle77 8 weeks (due 04/12/20)
@MOGMOGMOG85* 7 wks (due 13/12/20)

@MrsMGE Also, I did have an early scan as my EGU offered one at 7 weeks. It made me feel better for about 5 minutes (in my last pregnancy I had a perfect scan at 8W2D, my baby stopped growing at 8W4D), and I kind of wish I hadn't bothered to be honest. It didn't help me at all.

@tmc14 Thank you. I think I'd be exactly the same if I had the scan now tbh, plus I'd had to pay for it as the EPAUs only do emergency scans now (eg a suspected ectopic, heavy bleeding etc). I think the only thing that might help me is if the symptoms come back one day tbh, although I know it's not a guarantee of a healthy pregnancy. I had symptoms right till the end in my first pregnancy, long after the baby died. This should teach me not to rely on them, but it's so hard when they suddenly disappear. Oh, well. I guess I still have an increased heart rate, maybe things are progressing.

@MrsMGE I'm sorry you're feeling so low, it's natural to focus on symptoms but as others have said strong symptoms or no symptoms doesn't really indicate anything - I think in the first trimester in particular only time will tell how a pregnancy progresses, but today you are pregnant and there's no reason to suspect that won't continue for the long term - I'm crossing everything for you. I only had early scans this time round as I had them through the fertility clinic, I wouldn't have gone back to WTTW after my previous experience. The first scan at 7 weeks only reassured me for a day or two as like you I'd seen a heartbeat then things still went on to fail, but the second one at 9 weeks which showed growth was in line with expectation did provide a little more comfort. I don't think the nervousness will ever go - I'm feeling quite worried at the moment by lack of weight gain, lack of movement etc, the things we obsess over may change as we progress through pregnancy but I suspect that after loss (in particular more than one) most of us will always have negative thoughts in the back of our minds.....
Re heart rate, that's another one to try not to obsess over! I panicked when my heart rate trend dropped thinking it surely meant another miscarriage but again this is apparently quite normal, it's been up and down numerous times over the pregnancy so far and whilst I initially became really anxious with every fluctuation I've tried to not spend too long interpreting it now.

@Knotemma you look lovely in your all in one! I'm really short so not sure how easy it would be to find a pair of dungarees that I don't need to roll up by about a foot but I know what I'll be searching for tonight....

I have a clothes recommendation to share - Love Leggings maternity leggings are fab, good quality, so comfortable and available in multiple leg lengths. I bought a full length petite pair and a cropped pair and haven't wanted to take them off since they arrived! I don't want to buy any baby stuff until after 20 weeks but have bought a few maternity clothes as was getting fed up with wearing the same few pairs of trackie bottoms every single day!

I literally don't have a single item of non-maternity clothing that will fit me 🙈. I'm finding that any kind of pressure at all on my no makes me feel ill, so I'm literally in the 5 items of maternity wear I own. I bought another couple of all in ones and another set of lounge dungarees today, because yesterday I spent 40 minutes trying to find something comfortable to leave the house in...for a 20 minute trip to the shop 😂. I would love some maternity jeans, but they're all skinny and I can't bear anything right at the moment. At least I've managed to buy loose comfy stuff that will hopefully last me through the summer

@MrsMGE I'm really sorry you're feeling low today and if what I said earlier didn't help. Realise I perhaps didn't say it in the best of ways and certainly if someone had given me the positivity speech before my scan yesterday I'd have told them to shut up because I couldn't bear to hear it. Feel a bit of a tool now! It's really such a hard time with emotions all over the place and I'm sorry if what I said upset you in any way today.

One thing my sonographer said yesterday when I mentioned my lack of symptoms was that we only think a pregnancy is "normal" if we're having symptoms because it's what everyone talks about. That because everyone is symptom spotting and comparing we all assume we should feel absolutely knackered with terrible nausea and sore boobs. She said it's just as normal to have little or no symptoms early on but because people don't mention this as much (because they have nothing to mention!) we immediately panic when we don't really feel any different.

I hope tomorrow feels a little better and have my fingers crossed that everything is just fine x

@AnxiousLady1 thank you for your response, and @MrsG3 your story really helped me too - it all just goes to show how silly symptom spotting is but of course we all do it and compare to our previous experiences. @MrsG3 many congratulations on your positive scan, i can't imagine how elated you must have been xx

@MrsMGE you're in exactly the same boat as me. I'm now 7+1 and since 6+1 I had barely any symptoms until yesterday when I suddenly felt awful (boobs killing, very nauseous, exhausted, very grumpy, headache, achey, etc). Today again I feel fine :( so my relief yesterday was short lived! So many people on here have shared their stories of symptoms coming and going followed by a positive scan, so just hang in there. I totally understand not wanting to feel too positive - I managed that really well for the first few weeks, but since about a week ago I have started to develop feelings about this embryo/fetus - I've started to imagine a future, think about babies, etc - not extensively but little fleeting thoughts have crept in and so it's now much harder for me to be zen. I think it's totally natural and you can't expect yourself not to feel anything about a pregnancy - that's exactly why it's so terrifying!

Re: scan do whats best for you and dont worry about anyone else. Because of your past experience of seeing a heartbeat and then sadly the fetus dying the next day :( i totally understand why you don't want a scan and wouldn't gain much from it. For me I decided to get one next Wednesday at 8+3. My previous embryo died at 6 weeks and I never saw a heartbeat so if I can see a live baby in there that will be a huge step for me. If not - my partner will be there with me because it's allowed in the private clinics weirdly (and in fact i really want him there if its a positive scan too) and I've decided that I'd prefer to know than to just start bleeding at 10/11 weeks or whenever it would happen this time.. its a personal choice and there's probably no real right answer - ultimately if it's going to be a shit outcome neither one will be nice, and if it's positive then of course it will be wonderful... I can see how for you seeing a healthy 12 weeks scan would give you the sort of reassurance that you might not feel in an earlier scan xxx

@MrsG3 Oh no, please, you have nothing to feel bad about at all! When I said re positivity, I meant that in terms of hearing standard words of reassurance now, the kind of words that usually come from those who haven't been through the same as us. For someone who's never experienced a loss, the usual reassurance and being upbeat is probably welcome and helpful when they're feeling anxious, but to me it just builds up hopes unnecessarily and makes it harder. So I'm very thankful for your post and everyone else's kind and balanced responses. I know you all know very well how I'm feeling right now. This really helps

@MOGMOGMOG85 Thank you for what you've said. You're so right. I have that 5% doubt as to whether to book it for 8 wks, or possibly 9, because I tend to ovulate later in the cycle. I think your point re partner being there is an important one. I have now imagined in horror that I'm actually on my own finding out about another MMC, I don't even know how I'd get out of my local huge hospital with windy corridors to tell DH, tbh. I didn't think about this from this point of view before. I think I'll sleep on it and decide later this week. I hope your scan goes well, will be thinking of you and sending positive vibes Xxx