Pregnant after loss and dreaming of rainbows - 3

[Avocuddles]

Just setting up placeholder for new thread.....

@AnxiousLady1 that's what the group is for, to off load our anxieties and have a judgement free space to just talk about how we are feeling. I think after a miscarriage regardless of how far a long we all have those moments of sense of doom. I'm 17weeks and panicking about my next scan in 3 weeks. Can't shake they will find something wrong with one of the twins, especially with it being more common for heart, chromosome and brain problems in twins, and don't want to be on my own. I'm even at the point of trying to convince my partner to pay for a private scan so he can be a part of the scans and actually see his babies (they're his first) and saying that the price (£80) is worth it as an early birthday present, but the reality is, I just want to see them both alive again.
It's normal to have anxieties and expect the worse when all you have experienced is the worse. But statistics are in your favour, it's unlikely there will be anything wrong. Unfortunately we just come from a demographic that has heard all the things that can go wrong. Try not let it eat you up to much and just focus on each day rather then the end point of the scan x

Updating my weeks

@Bellsx 21wks (due 20/08/20)
@Rachael321 21wks (due 20/08/20)
@Pugmum19 18wks (due 31/08/20)
@UrsulaSings 17wks (due 07/09/20)
@Hoping2020 19wks (due 13/09/20)
@SammiLou2312 18wks⁣ (due 17/09/20)
@Knotemma 17wks⁣ (due 23/09/20)
@LilMrsS 16wks (due 24/09/20)
@didslysquiddlydoo 16wks due 26/09/20)
@TunnocksTcake 16wks (due 26/09/20)
@avocuddles 16wks (due 27/09/20)
@Sunflower1608 16wks with twins (due 28/09/20)
@SunStruck 16wks (due 28/09/20)⁣
@Scout20 14wks (due 29/09/20)
@Littlegoth 16wks (due 30/09/20)
@HighHopes20 13wks (due 03/10/20)⁣
@Treaclepie19 15wks (due 07/10/20)⁣
@Aria2015 10wks
@tmc14 13wks (due 11/10/20)
@Hagster 13wks (due 12/10/20)⁣
@seaduck 12wks (due 17/10/20)
@DressingGown87 13wks (20/10/20)
@rachelrainbow (11 weeks, due 1/11/20)
@Doughnut100 11 wks(due 05/11/20)
@teaandtantrums90 10 wks (due 07/11/20)
@Shefliesonherownwings 9 wks (due 10/11/20)
@MOGMOGMOG85 6 wks (due 13/12/20)

@AnxiousLady1 - Good morning, sorry to hear you’re having a difficult morning. I convinced myself before every scan of this pregnancy that I was going to be told it was another MMC (I’ve had two before and a natural MC in-between). I think it’s a self-preservation technique, we prepare ourselves for the worst so if it’s anything other than that, it’s a bonus. I’m in a similar situation myself just now as haven’t had a scan for five weeks now and waiting for my 20-week one on Friday (had a reassurance scan cancelled due to COVID). Although I know being past the 12-week mark should make it different, I still have a lot of the same feelings. What I’ve had to tell myself to get through it is that feeling a certain way won’t change the outcome. A lot of ladies on here use the mantra ‘today, I am pregnant’. Well today, you are pregnant. Unless someone tells you otherwise (everything crossed they never do), the situation as you know it is that you have a lovely little baby growing inside you. I know getting to Friday will be hard, the first few months of this pregnancy were definitely the hardest for us. We were just living from scan-to-scan but each scan so far has brought tears of joy and delight when I never thought that would happen and there’s no reason they can’t for you too. The odds, even with previous losses, are in our favour. Everything crossed for you for Friday. Please keep posting and sharing, we really do know how you feel x

@AnxiousLady1 Sending you lots of love ❤️ I made the same decision as you, not to have early scans due to CV risk (and I consider them only a brief reassurance anyway because of my history of previously having a positive early scan and then a shocker of a MMC). I think it's normal to have doubts, but I'm strongly in the same frame of mind as you re scans. Thing is, if an early scan showed there is an issue, I'd have to go to the EPAU to have it confirmed, then have a follow up in a week or two and the whole process would be dragged out with multiple trips to hospital. I've been through it and I know now there's nothing in it that would help me and even if the worst was to happen, finding out at the 12 week scan is only 4 weeks later, it's not a major difference in a grand scheme of things, but it saves extra trips, stress and money.

You're so close to 12 weeks now, you've managed so well ❤️ You're probably anxious now because it's approaching soon. It will be ok though, I'm sending you positive vibes ❤️ xxx

@AnxiousLady1 sorry you're having a tough day. I would advise stepping away from the statistics if you can and looking for something positive you can focus on. It doesn't have to be a pregnancy related positive. Just something you can achieve today. Maybe a walk, pick up a craft you haven't done for a while, anything like that.

I'm starting to feel the nerves for my anatomy scan (a week on Thursday) and I have picked up my knitting again. I personally find having something to do with my hands really helps me manage my anxiety, I think it's gives me something to channel my nervous energy into, and I have to focus on what I'm doing and be in the moment.

Keep talking to us, but it might help to actually talk it out with a partner or a friend too, just to get things off your chest. Writing my feelings down works well for me, but I know some people need to speak them allowed to process and work through their emotions.

I would say though, your feelings are valid and justified. Pregnancy after loss messes with our heads in so many different ways. Be kind to yourself, practice some self care and take care x

Hi @AnxiousLady1 I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I'd say it's probably inevitable you'd start to feel dread as you approach your scan given what happened last time. It's probably much more to do with your prior experience than anything to do with the fact that something bad has happened if that makes sense... I had an MMC too and it stopped developing at 6 weeks, which for me is today. I'm doing ok so far but I think by the time I get to my scan (in 2.5 weeks - I'm doing it privately as I really want my partner there) I'm going to be feeling so sick. In a way until you've had a scan you can just keep going distracting yourself and doing ok and when that scan comes up you know you're going to have to find out what's going on... I'm really crossing my fingers for you for Friday, it's going to be such a relief if all is good news! xxxx

@Sunflower1608 Understand your nerves on the next scan. Twins sounds incredible. My mum had twins after a MC and keeps telling me (when I worry about another MC) she equally had the same concerns as you the whole way through (that one would not be okay). Both siblings came out completely fine, and more than 20 years later have never had a single issue.

@Hoping2020 - best of luck with your scan Friday too! 20 weeks still feels like a lifetime away to me.

@MrsMGE - that was how DH and I felt about additional private scans, but now I'm nearing tha 12 week hurdle there's some self doubt about whether I'd have been better off (mentally) knowing sooner if it goes wrong.

@Knotemma - Trying to keep myself distracted today, and I'm sure work will keep me occupied again from tomorrow. I generally find myself quite lethargic or have headaches during day, which hinders any sort of productivity. I also question whether those feelings are from hormones or Ive just gotten too used to being lazy in lockdown!

@MOGMOGMOG85 - It does make sense that as my only experience to date has been a negative one, I am going to assume that history will repeat itself, as you suggest. Its almost impossible to imagine things going well, but I know this will ease as it progresses (fingers crossed).

Definitely know the worry is coming from the scan date drawing nearer. I had a dream last night that I started to bleed, so I think that made me then wake up worried/start to dwell a little on this not ending well. But thanks for all your support ladies. It really does help to vent. xxx

@AnxiousLady1 I doubt you would be, bad news is bad news and IMO it would only extend the process tbh. I found out at 8 weeks and nothing's happened at all till 10, I had to have medical management. I know deep down that had I found out later, I would have had less scans, less time to wait, less time to dwell on it and probably I would have been closer to things happening naturally. My second MC was natural and there's no comparison between medical management and natural miscarriage in my view, I'd never go for medical management again. So on balance, I've concluded even if it's the worst news again, it's better all round to wait. Don't beat yourself up now, you've made it this far and have not miscarried. You are pregnant. The chances of an MMC happening again now are very low. Everything is on your side, even the much hated statistics ❤️

@AnxiousLady1 I'm sorry you're having a tough day. But you're not alone, we all understand those fears and anxieties and we're all here to support you. We've had two private scans this time and I've convinced myself before each that it's all gone wrong. So far it's all been fine. I'm sure you will be too, try to stay strong. Hugs.

DH told me today that I'm looking pregnant. I'm only 10+4 so was hoping to hide it a bit longer but it's only really been 5 months or so since we lost Isla at full term and I was still carrying some tummy weight when we fell pregnant this time so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Could also be all the crap I've eaten lately too! Anyway I took a pic to see and thought I'd share. Back in the maternity jeans too!

Sorry to hear you are having a bad day @AnxiousLady1 it's natural to be worried as its such an uncertain time, even if you haven't had a loss previously! All you can do is keep taking each day as it comes and try not to worry too far ahead into what may or may not happen
I know that's far easier said than done and it's difficult for me to remember that myself too, but it's always worth a reminder. Remember - today, I am pregnant!
Hope that you have had a relaxing day and have at least managed to take your mind off it. We have had incredible weather today so have had a very lazy day indeed, but that was definitely well needed.
Tomorrow is another day and hopefully one where you feel much better

@MrsMGE Sorry that you had negative experience with the medical management. Strangely I ended up going through both options last time. I confirmed the MC at 8 weeks and opted to allow it to happen naturally (which was 12 weeks). Had a nightmare 2 weeks of that, then a scan later showed pregnancy was still in there so had to have an ERPC. Whole process was 2 months so really rough. I swore at the time if it happened again I'd immediately opt for medical management but I know that ERPC wouldn't be an option now. Weirdly I told myself at the time that the fact the pregnancy had remained in there might be a good sign that it really implanted or something. But that's just my weird way of thinking!!

@shefliesonherownwings Looking great!! I've been taking pics of my stomach also as I'm slightly baffled at it right now. Can't work out if it's 95% food baby 😂😂 Been afraid to share in case it is just food baby 😂😂

@whiffle77 definitely keeping myself distracted thanks. Had a nice walk in park nearby with my dog. He's my furbaby. I already dread how jealous he will be of an actual baby!! 😂

@AnxiousLady1 I see, lovely. That's of course one of the scenarios where medical management would be a necessity (and yes, I've heard re no ERPCs now too) and that's the only time I'd do it again. For me it was really bad, but I think I could digest it as a follow up, rather than the main treatment. I see you're prepping for the worst, I understand that. Whatever happens, you will be fine and look how well you've done so far. You're a strong lady and I believe 100% that luck will be on your side this time ❤️🍀 xxx

@AnxiousLady1 you're doing so well, it's not long until the 12 week hurdle. I have had both negative and positive early scan experiences. In my current pregnancy I've had early NHS ones via the fertility clinic which all turned out well and provided (temporary) reassurance, but I would be very reluctant to have an early private one again as in my second pregnancy my private experience left me far more anxious that if I'd never known - I could tell from the measurements that things didn't look good (as I was very clear on my dates) but they were adamant that all would be fine and I was definitely wrong withmy (not wrong) dates. I was then left in a weird, incredibly anxious state of limbo not knowing where I stood which ruined my every waking hour and meant I spent half of my working days sobbing in the toilets. When I did miscarry again it wasn't a total surprise but it really broke me knowing that the sonographer had insisted all would be good.
The way you are feeling is completely natural but try to focus on the fact that you are, statistically, far more likely to get a 'good' result at your scan than a negative one. As so many others have said this is a brand new pregnancy and whilst it is impossible for any of us to now dwell on the past hopefully you will soon get some reassurance. I felt physically sick at all of my scans (and probably will do again at the 20 week one) but that feeling of elation when all turns out ok is beyond compare.

@Shefliesonherownwings that is definitely a gorgeous little bump! Mine is still stuck in a weird limbo between food baby and actual baby bump, though I imagine if I was slimmer / didn't have ridiculously big boobs it might be a bit more obvious!

Has anyone else been getting terrible indigestion since day 1? I started getting it before I tested positive, it was one of the things that made me wonder as I NEVER usually get it. And in the evening I just am in constant low-level pain from it, it's awful! I thought it was supposed to be caused by the baby pressing on something but that doesn't explain it for me at 6 weeks. Very odd, and annoying.

@MOGMOGMOG85 I've had it really bad. The hormones make your entire digestive slow down (hence heartburn, constipation and indigestion) combines with all your muscles relaxing allowing food and acid to escape upwards. I've found bigger meal at lunch and smaller at tea works well for me. Avoiding acidic or fatty foods to

@Sunflower1608 thanks for that! I had to google what high acid foods are and I think I'm in the clear - except perhaps carbonated drinks. I've been drinking those to help with nausea but perhaps they aren't helping with everything else! xx

Hey all, I'm 5+1 and I've had some mild cramps and some CM this morning, also tripped and fell up about 3 steps but luckily my arm broke my fall, I know cramps are so normal in pregnancy but I just don't like them xx

@MOGMOGMOG85 yes definitely have had a lot of digestion issues! It's fine to take gaviscon (liquid or tablets) if that helps. Hormones do so many weird things to the body.....

@AliSxo cramps are always disconcerting but like you say unfortunately very typical especially in the first few weeks of pregnancy. I hope they settle down for you soon.....

I have a dog too @AnxiousLady1 I'm also not sure how he will cope with a baby!! I dote on him, and he is very lazy and enjoys a quiet life... he's got a big shock coming!!

@Whiffle77 Ours sleeps in the bedroom too. Some major changes coming his way 😂

Updating my weeks (and the other 17 weekers!)

@Bellsx 21wks (due 20/08/20)
@Rachael321 21wks (due 20/08/20)
@Pugmum19 18wks (due 31/08/20)
@UrsulaSings 17wks (due 07/09/20)
@Hoping2020 19wks (due 13/09/20)
@SammiLou2312 18wks⁣ (due 17/09/20)
@Knotemma 17wks⁣ (due 23/09/20)
@LilMrsS 17wks (due 24/09/20)
@didslysquiddlydoo 17wks due 26/09/20)
@TunnocksTcake 17wks (due 26/09/20)
@avocuddles 17wks (due 27/09/20)
@Sunflower1608 17wks with twins (due 28/09/20)
@SunStruck 17wks (due 28/09/20)⁣
@Scout20 14wks (due 29/09/20)
@Littlegoth 16wks (due 30/09/20)
@HighHopes20 13wks (due 03/10/20)⁣
@Treaclepie19 15wks (due 07/10/20)⁣
@Aria2015 10wks
@tmc14 13wks (due 11/10/20)
@Hagster 13wks (due 12/10/20)⁣
@seaduck 12wks (due 17/10/20)
@DressingGown87 13wks (20/10/20)
@rachelrainbow (11 weeks, due 1/11/20)
@Doughnut100 11 wks(due 05/11/20)
@teaandtantrums90 10 wks (due 07/11/20)
@Shefliesonherownwings 9 wks (due 10/11/20)
@MOGMOGMOG85 6 wks (due 13/12/20)

Also including a gratuitous 17 week bump shot as I've been photographing myself weekly and this feels like the first week where it looks more like a baby bump than just the results of a lot of lockdown biscuits!

That's defo a bump @Avocuddles 🙌🙌

Lovely bump @Avocuddles! That is definitely not a biscuit bump!!

@Avocuddles gorgeous bump!

Gorgeous bump @Avocuddles, definitely a baby bump and not a food bump now!

@AnxiousLady1 I'm a dog & cat mum, I'm wondering how they'd cope with a little human being. I'll be playing baby sounds in my third trimester to get them ready for it.

@Avocuddles Beautiful bump, so happy for you, lovely ❤️😍