I want another baby but Fiancé doesn't want another right now

[misstiff]

Hello all,

Im 22, and my partner is 27 I'm really suck and conflicted. We already have a son nearly two. But I want another. My partner doesn't want to have one just yet and I don't want to pressure him into having another Baby I don't work so he's does everything for me and my son which I always show him gratitude. So we have come to an agreement to try on 28th of March( yes he's told me when we can try and not when I wanted to) originally he told me to wait until after the holiday which is in may to try but I think it's rediculous that a man is telling me when I should carry his child! I love him but I don't want to force him to have another child with me when he's not ready. He says if I wait then I'm not getting what I want and if he gives me what I want he doesn't want it just yet it's a lose lose situation

@arriettyjones

seriously!!!? So because he suggested she give up work he's controlling! Get a grip - so many other threads on mumsnet where women want to stay at home but there husbands want/need them to work. Poor bloke has done everything "right" according to mumsnet but still considered controlling.....Men can't win can they

And OP yes you sound very young - he's the one paying the bills so if he wants to wait a month he wants to wait a month - not like he's asking you to wait 10 years 🤷‍♀️

@misstiff where is your fucking ambition and get-up-and-go?

You're 22 for fucks sake, not 62.

If you were 40-50 and he'd offered to let you doss around doing nothing with your life I'd understand it because you've spent decades working your arse off and if you could afford to, go ahead.
But you are TWENTY TWO. It shouldn't have even crossed your mind to become an unemployed bum at that age.

It's all very well you saying you'll go back to work at some point. But do you think any decent employer is going to want a 30 year old who hasn't ever had a decent job in her life? You'll end up doing minimum wage work for the rest of your life.

Your bloke sounds really nice. A saint, in fact.
But if you think a 27 year old is going to stil be happy at 57 years old working full time, paying for a wife who has contributed fuck all in decades and providing for children/teens/university/weddings/grandchildren etc all on his own, you are very much mistaken.
It's not fair on him, no matter how happy he says he currently is.

Why aren't you at least studying for a degree or something whilst sat at home doing nothing?

Have some self-respect, OP.

You’re being very aggressive @BobbyBlueCat

If OP was open minded to your view I don’t imagine your tone will endear you to her.

Don't have another baby before you get married.
He's a great guy I'm sure but you are extremely vulnerable. He persuaded you to give up work meaning you have low employability, being so young you won't have much experience in any career and taking several years out will set you back to the point that 18 year olds are at - who won't have to leave dead on time to collect kids and will work for lower pay.

At least if you're married you'll be financially protected if you split up. And please don't be so naive as to think you would never split up or he would never not take care of you if you did.

This comment; I have a separate source of income which is my allowance he gives me each month highlights how naive and vulnerable you are. Don't be that woman. Get married, have another baby then get back to work.

@BobbyBlueCat to suggest that staying at home with a toddler is doing 'sod all' or 'being a bum' is just quiet frankly a load of crap! I'm a stay at home mum to a 19 month old who is currently pregnant with my second.. and I can assure you it's no holiday or picnic... my partner wouldn't be able to do the job he does which involves him working all hours of the day, every day of the week.. if I wasn't at home looking after the toddler... which is a conversation we both had in depth about. Day care costs are extortionate.

You are very aggressive in your comments calling someone a 'bum' because the OP would like to have another baby regardless of only being 22, I don't understand what right you have to say that... you might want to be a little more kinder in future you don't know the whole story or what else is going on in someone's life... and your remarks could really hurt and affect someone.

Quite* typo

you are so, so vulnerable without marriage and with no income. If he goes under a bus (hope not) how stuffed will you be?

you have one dependent already. Get married (frilly frock party can wait and if he has any sense he will get how vulnerable you are), get life insurances, get guardians and wills sorted.

this is all imperative for the child that you have.

Fucking hell @BobbyBlueCat - raising a child is "doing nothing with your life" and being a stay at home parent makes you an "unemployed bum"? I hope you aren't passing this warped perception on to your own children.

And @ArriettyJones, a father offering to work so his partner can care for their child full time is not "controlling".

Being a stay at home parent is just as valid as pursuing a career.

Let’s flip this around for a second, if the man was telling you that he wanted you to stop taking birth control & get pregnant within a certain time frame that you weren’t ready for this would be worrisome & controlling behaviour! You are 22 years old with a toddler & no financial income, I know he’s happy to pay for you but maybe he’s not telling you all the facts of how much pressure that is on him & that’s the reason he doesn’t want another child. He might already be struggling to provide or even with just the pressure to provide without throwing another baby in the mix. I’m 24 years old so I’m not far off your age & I’m sorry but from what I’ve read (including your comments to reply) you sound like a brat. You may say that you tell him you appreciate what he does for you but your actions are saying something different by not respecting his decision.

On another note, I suffered a loss over a year ago & I was desperate for another after this, my partner wasn’t & it became very difficult to wait, but I had to respect his decisions as we are a team & to create a life you have to both be 100% committed.. flash forward 1 year & we are happily pregnant & BOTH excited for this. Please be patient & accept your partner’s wishes, you may not understand the lasting damage you could cause this poor guy in years time.

OP, stop being grateful for stuff, you are raising your child - his child too. You are in a precarious position, having chosen to start a family over education or furthering a career, each step you are making takes you one step further away from being financially & emotionally independent. Get your qualifications, get your career plans sorted out asap. Childcare qualifications may be a good start, then you can get paid as a child minder while staying in the home and allows you to take on more once yours is at school. You are shooting yourself in the foot here

BobbyIt's all very well you saying you'll go back to work at some point. But do you think any decent employer is going to want a 30 year old who hasn't ever had a decent job in her life? You'll end up doing minimum wage work for the rest of your life.
......
Why do you think that? For one thing I expect the op will return to work before she is thirty however plenty of people go back after thirty and do very well, I've known plenty. If skills are rusty there are classes to help returners or even the possibility of retraining for something different.

@BobbyBlueCat Goodness, your first post was bad enough but the last one is just outrageous.
A sahm is not a bum.
You do what works for you and leave sahms and their partners to do what works for them .

I don't understand the timescales why does he want to wait until 28 March? It's not going to make much difference if you start trying now or if you wait until the end of the month is it? Is it a control thing or does he have a practical reason why?
Does he really want another child?

And @ArriettyJones, a father offering to work so his partner can care for their child full time is not "controlling".

Being a stay at home parent is just as valid as pursuing a career.

Absolutely. SAHMing is great. I’m a big believer in SAH with preschoolers myself (although usually you can’t do it forever, you need a plan for later.)

But there is a big difference between a man offering to support a SAHM and him TELLING her to quit her job and then telling her repeatedly that he does not WANT her to work. I think the prospective SAHP gets the bigger say on this.

The actual quote from OP was;

I did have a job before falling pregnant with our first then he said quit your job and I'll look after you. He keep saying he doesn't want me to work and he wants me to be a stay at home mom cause he can afford to look after us.

I don't think you are mad at all but cannot understand why waiting four weeks to try to conceive makes such a difference to you. Or is it that your partner is making the decision which is the problem?

There's always the possibility that you don't become pregnant at the time either of you choose.

When you are eventually pregnant with your second you'll look back and wonder why you were so bothered.

Good luck.

When people are talking about vulnerability, they don't just mean splitting up. Have a read of this

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-51676780

I have a separate source of income which is my allowance he gives me each month
You have misunderstood what is meant by separate, OP. Separate means if he were to die or leave you, that money would still be coming in. Separately from anything to do with him. It really is very important. When people split up, it's not always because the man is a bastard; sometimes both people can be a lovely person. It can be because they realise they have different priorities and core values eg one of them doesn't want a second child!! You really are extremely vulnerable. You are currently safe and lucky and happy. Don't throw it all away

You sound like a child!
Kids having kids 🙄

He's leading you into a path that often ends in utter poverty. Wake up and grow up! Do not add another child into your already financially vulnerable situation without first getting married. Tbh, your engagement is meaningless and he's feeding you lines right out of The Script - excuses not to get married. Bullshit he has 'pride' and his other stalling tactics to not get married. He's got you right where he wants you, you should be thanking your lucky stars he isn't pressuring you to have yet more kids.

It's shocking how many women completely fuck themselves financially for their boyfriend.