I want another baby but Fiancé doesn't want another right now

[misstiff]

Hello all,

Im 22, and my partner is 27 I'm really suck and conflicted. We already have a son nearly two. But I want another. My partner doesn't want to have one just yet and I don't want to pressure him into having another Baby I don't work so he's does everything for me and my son which I always show him gratitude. So we have come to an agreement to try on 28th of March( yes he's told me when we can try and not when I wanted to) originally he told me to wait until after the holiday which is in may to try but I think it's rediculous that a man is telling me when I should carry his child! I love him but I don't want to force him to have another child with me when he's not ready. He says if I wait then I'm not getting what I want and if he gives me what I want he doesn't want it just yet it's a lose lose situation

I'll guess I'll just have to wait till end of March to try as that's the date he picked :/
You know you might not get pregnant straight away whether you start trying now or a whole 28 days later. You might be young but it could still take months. It's strange to quibble over a few weeks; not seeing what the problem is.

"I tell him how grateful I am on a daily basis."

Really? Why? You've been at home two years and you repeat this over and over every day?! Must get a bit tedious for you both

OP going back to your question

Why are you so worked up about waiting 26 days?

Rose, I don't really know. But apologise for getting my words mixed up. I guess it all sounded better in my head than it did typing it

I never throw anything back in his face matter of fact. I tell him how grateful I am on a daily basis.

Actions speak louder than words.

You've literally said on this thread that you think this man is "telling me when I should carry his child".

He is being an adult and telling you honestly what he can cope with at the moment. You are kicking up a fuss

You are absolutely being ungrateful.

OP, in the nicest possible way, yes you are (as you said in one of your replies) being a bit silly!

It's 4 weeks. As impatient as you are to get started, that is absolutely nothing in the scheme of things and by the sounds of it you have a lovely, casting fiance whom you love. Think of it as giving him a present of a bit of time if you like - your generous enough for that, I'm sure, and you love him. Why not try to make the 4 weeks extra special somehow to make the most of it being just the three of you so you're not just counting the days?

I second the other posters' comments about getting married and protecting yourself and children financially, though. Do the legal bit quietly and the big celebration when you can afford it, perhaps. Noone need ever know if you don't want them to!

Okay

Get him to set a date for this proper wedding he wants. Sounds like he's not sure about a wedding either again relationships board is full of women who were told I want to do it properly or I want to wait for xyz before a wedding. Wedding never happened and then they post wanting to know legally what's their position with houses and finance

I don't understand how you could think it's reasonable to chastise a man for being honest about when he's ready for another child. Especially when it's a case of a month or two. Surely you can see that?

Jesus Christ on a Harley! It’s b26 days, you aren’t guaranteed to get pregnant the first cycle so it’s practically a mute point. If you’re on the jag, implant or coil you need to wait regardless.. even the pill might take a bit for your own hormones to level back out properly.

He initially wanted to wait longer, so he’s already compromised quite a bit.. maybe he’s worried about financially supporting all 4 of you on his current income..

You’re 22, you’ve got more time than you’ll ever need. Relax. You might think you’ll be back to work by 25 but realistically there’s more barriers than just school/nursery and hopefully it will all be smooth sailing n go to plan but who the fuck knows.

I have been you op and there is some very sensible advice. We did decide on more children shortly after DC1 who we had at a young age. I knew that my career prospects would be in tatters so I really had to throw myself into supporting DH who is now a high earner and luckily I had a large sum of cash. You really do need to get married before you have more children otherwise you are in a very precarious position. If your boyfriend left tomorrow just think about how you would cope. I am happy and I am thankful for my DC and we are better off than most now but there have been hard times and times where we've really had to work as a team and be patient.

personally I think he's trying to keep you sweet, he's not ready for another baby yet, (he's allowed a say after all). A month makes no difference and he's going to keep pushing that date.
TBH I imagine he's saying this because you won't listen to his rationale behind wanting to wait to have another.
Honestly i would look to get married before having another child- and having a child c. 25 years old is still young!

It's not just about him leaving though. What if something happens to him? One of my aunts married young and pregnant and six weeks after the wedding her husband suddenly died at the age of 24. A lot of companys have money set aside for employees wives and childres in case something happens. I'm not in the UK but where I live you get extra benefits from the government if your husband dies and you have children. You also have a responsibility towards your existing child to get the best life possible for them.

I asked my husband to wait to try until after out holiday which was 4 months away at the time we decided that we definitely did want to start trying for a baby imminently. It was our first so I didn’t even know that it turns out I did indeed end up with hyperemesis but even the idea of ‘normal’ morning sickness on a long flight and then a much longed for holiday was not acceptable to me. My husband didn’t think it was entirely necessary to wait (though again, with hindsight of how ill I actually became, he was most appreciative of my insight on the matter) but not for one second did he moan or try and change my mind. I wasn’t ready to start trying there and then so we didn’t. And had he not wanted to start trying, I wouldn’t. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, if one of you is not ready, you don’t do it. And that is the difference between being an adult in a relationship and pretending to be one. Your fiancé and you are a team and you need to stop acting as though you’re not. Its not about what you want or what he wants individually, its about communicating and coming up with what is the best thing for you both, and your child as you already have one. You need to learn to compromise and not stamp your feet because you don’t get your own way because that just makes you a little girl playing dress up and not the adult you’re playing at being.

Plus I have another friend with two primary school aged children and her husband is currently being investigated for cancer. Things happen.

I don't normally comment on threads where the OP is getting insulted but in this case I can't help but to agree with most people opinions.

He can by all means tell me what month he wants to try but to pin point the exact date is not fair im m the one carrying the child and stuff. I'm bothered because it's literally a month difference. Like you shouldn't make someone wait a month a year is completely different/ understandable.

Its comments like above that shows your age, just because your the one who carries the baby doesnt make it solely your decision. Your partner is the one who has to work to support you and the family so yes he is entitled to choose when to try for a second child.

In relation to the waiting a month I can relate in a way. It was November when we decided we were going to try for a baby but to wait until the new year, like yourself I thought it's only a month so why not try now, and did say this to DH but he said he preferred to wait and that was that, I didnt bring it up again and was happy to wait cause that is what he wanted.
A month is nothing.

I think you've come on here thinking that people will agree with you but in reality not many people do - and you dont like it.

Why not start saving for a wedding then if you won't have a registry? At least then you're protected and not stuck with 2 small kids if things go wrong

Blimey I've heard of men wanting to wait years or being vague about it "Let's try for a baby one day" etc but you're complaining about 4 weeks!! He's ready to start trying THIS Month and you're not happy? Just be happy you can start trying so soon.

Can you not see it from his viewpoint. He's working hard to support 2 people and now you want to throw another responsibility into the mix.

You said you don't work. Not even part-time, so we can assume you won't work after the next baby is born then. So for over 7 years your poor partner has to work his ass off to support 3 people.

What his opinion of when you should get back to work? Did you discuss this before having children? Or did you assume you'd never have to work again?

You want a baby now, he doesn't. It's a difficult one. Although my sympathies are with your partner.

Ok, first, I don’t really understand. You want another baby. He didn’t, but not had agreed to try for one. I mean... you win. You’re getting what you wanted here. How it that not the focus.

Secondly, I don’t see that anyone’s asked this yet so.. do you track your period and know when you ovulate. Because that would be way more helpful for you. The 28th might be perfect.

I don’t get this though, really.

I'm the one carrying the child and stuff.

But he's the one paying for the child. And stuff.

I have a separate source of income which is my allowance he gives me each month but that's it

Which is not the same as having an independent income that you earn.

It's nonesense I never stated that his opinion is invalid in the relationship?

Seems like as long as his opinion is the same as yours it's fine. The problem arises when he doesn't agree with you.

The man doesn't want another baby yet, for his own reasons. Conceiving a baby should be a two-yeses situation - either you both really want it or it doesn't happen. You're trying to railroad him into something he just doesn't want.

People aren’t being nice to you, but I think it’s the fact your OP was trying to make this nice guy sound bad and controlling, when really he’s probably just tired from work plus having a toddler! You can’t blame him for not being ready, surely? You say you don’t want to force him...but you are!

You probably don’t want a big age gap between your kids which is understandable, but I think waiting another 2 years like he wants is reasonable. Just let your DS have you all to himself for now or even compromise and try in 1 year! It should be a mutual decision otherwise your fiancé might come to resent you. You’re so lucky to be a SAHM so young!

Op don't come on MN for advice 😂 it's a negative place where people love to judge and throw shade x

How about offering him a deal? He agreed to a registry office wedding and you won't make him have another baby - it's a win-win!

For the record, OP, I am not that much older than you, so I am not saying this as someone old and bitter who can't relate to a 22 year old, like you seem to think.

Different people like to live their lives at different paces and it can be hard to understand the one sort if you are the other. You are very young and seem to have a focus on getting a lot of "settling down" things out of the way fast so that you can be settled and sorted by a young target age, including children and marriage. Other people would feel like they have missed out by doing so, both in terms of the freedoms that come from a childless life, and not having to view a wedding as purely a practical necessity to be married, rather than an experience that they have hyped up as "the best day in their life". I can relate to your partner wanting a "proper wedding", me and my partner have one DD and aren't yet married, because we don't have the money to have the kind of ceremony I want (which wouldn't be huge but wouldn't be at a registry office), and I have accepted that this makes me vulnerable in the meantime, because it is important to me to have this experience. The fact that your partner is the same and also feels he is not ready for a second child, indicates to me that he is similar, and you are essentially trying to rush him into missing out on a lot of things because you are comfortable with moving at that pace so don't see why it would bother him. But he may grow to bitterly regret that over the years, which would be a sad reality to condemn him to.

At the same time, from a more practical angle, him regretting those things will make him highly likely to decide the relationship was a mistake and leave you with two children, either divorced or unmarried, and a resentful ex who isn't fully invested in his kids because he was pressured into having them.

It is extremely important that you and your partner be on the same page about what pace you want your life to be going, both for your sake and for his. Having to wait for something (you) is better than being pushed into them when you aren't ready (him).