Pregnant after loss and dreaming of rainbows....

[Avocuddles]

Hi,

Starting a thread for ladies in early pregnancy after one or more miscarriages or stillbirths. A safe place to let off steam and hopefully grow healthy rainbows together......

@Treaclepie19 thanks so much for letting me know and so sorry about that 😔 I've ever gotten so far but I think I'm just overthinking things. I'm going to try to decide about these things when I get there 😁 we don't have anything unusual running in our families, it's just because of my age really! What do you think you will do this time testing wise?

@SunStruck I'd have a good chat with the hospital but you shouldn't need too many extra tests if all is looking good. It was obvious something was wrong with our little one because of the high nuchal.
I'm 29 and my husband is 30, no family history of it and it wasn't passed on from either of us. Just a complete fluke.
This time I'm going to take it scan by scan. If the nuchal looks good we may try and be brave and not have the amnio. We will have the NIPT regardless because it's non invasive.

I've had some thought about telling people the pregnancy news.

I've only told one person and that's my eldest daughter who is 20. (I had her at 19 and I'm 40 now so we are very close). However I can't offload onto her about my current situation as I don't want to worry her whilst she's away at uni. I'll have to tell her if it's bad news after our scan tomorrow.

So now I'm in the position that I'm going through an awful thing and no one knows anything except you guys on here. I feel awkward telling people now as if I'm looking for sympathy and support from the same people I didn't trust to tell about the pregnancy in the first place. Not even our families know.

So now with hindsight if we get pregnant again I will be telling people like friends and work colleagues. (This will work for me but maybe no one else so I'm not preaching here).

I also feel that it's such a taboo subject and I don't want to contribute to the silence about miscarriage.

I'm not going to be updating my status on fb or anything as I'm quite a private person but I'm not going to hide it away to ensure other people feel less uncomfortable.

I'm ranting now I know.

I also feel that the next person who asks me 'when are you going to have another baby?' Is going to get a truthful answer. If they can't handle the answer they shouldn't ask that question.

Rant over. Can you tell I'm having an angry day?!

That's exactly how I feel @avocadoincident. The only thing stopping me telling everyone is my husband because he wants to keep little one to ourselves for a bit. I've told a few people though. I'm not going to lie this time, I just won't bring it up.
I will be telling people if it goes wrong though whether they know or not.
I hope all goes well with your scan.
Mine is tomorrow and I'm getting nervous now.

@avocadoincident I realised after my first loss that when it comes to telling friends, if I would tell them if I lost a pregnancy then what's the harm in telling them about it in the first place?. I haven't got out of my way to tell people but if I speak to them and they ask a question that would necessitate lying then I'm honest with them - exactly as @Treaclepie19 says I don't bring it up, but if it comes up then they can know. The only ones I'm being evasive with are both of our families. They both live some distance away which makes it easier to hide, I don't want them unnecessarily sharing in our worries at this stage so will hold off a bit longer if all is looking well.

I definitely agree that there is too much of a taboo around miscarriage. Although I haven't talked about my own experiences, I've shared a few miscarriage based articles online (in particular in baby loss awareness week) and that has started conversations with friends and colleagues who I had previously had no idea had been through it. These forums are so helpful in making us feel a little less alone, but its still a lonely experience the rest of the time and anything we can do to feel a little more supported is good.

@Treaclepie19

My husband didn't want us to tell anyone either just to give us some space with the news. And I do get that, I actually enjoyed my secret for a while. But our pregnancies aren't like other people's and we need support.

Good luck tomorrow and to everyone else @Avocuddles . I'm still feeling excited for all the women here having scans tomorrow... even me as I'm ever the optimist but not looking good for me.

Straight after the scan we have an appointment with the consultant who will go over the post mortem results of the daughter we lost in October. It's going to be a tough tough day.
I'll update everyone when i know anything.

I talk about baby loss a lot. I have a blog as well about our TFMR because it's such a taboo. I think it's important.

@avocadoincident be really kind to yourself. We're all here for you as much as we can be.

I did the same re. telling people. I like this private time of just us knowing I’m pregnant... when I miscarried only my parents knew. But I told lots of people about the miscarriage. Whenever anyone asks about us having a 2nd baby, I tell them. If people ask how I am, I’ll tell them what happened. I’ll do the same this time. Keep the news to myself until I’m ready to share (I’m quite a private person), but if I lose the baby, I’ll be open about it. To me that’s important. But everyone needs to do what’s best for themselves. x

It's so difficult to know the best thing to do, we are very much agreed that our families should be the first to know (and in Dhs case in a particular order as he has a separated family and his MIL is a huge gossip) and his mum especially was so upset when we lost our first that it feels a bit cruel telling them when it's still all uncertain. BUT we have still told them about every MC we have had so it also seems a bit pointless hiding the good news! I have told my mum because we see her all the time and she's quite good at not getting excited, I find that's the worst thing when you tell friends they get excited immediately and I'm just not in that place, I need them to be cautiously optimistic but I can't talk about prams or nurseries yet so I will probably keep it quiet until we feel comfortable being excited. We will probably tell families after next weeks scan if all goes well 🙏🙏🙏

@SW83 and @avocadoincident I’m so sorry to read your updates. I’m thinking of you. Especially when you’re already having to discuss your daughter’s post-mortem tomorrow.

In terms of telling people: last time the first anyone knew I was pregnant was when I had the emergency operation. It was a really weird experience and I felt like we’d missed out on the happy announcement. We’ve told a few close friends but we’re not telling anyone else unless/until we make it to 12 weeks. I haven’t told work yet either, so I’m just booking half-days off to cover appointments at the moment...

I strongly agree about giving a truthful answer to people who ask about future pregnancies. Like @Avocuddles said, if you can’t handle the answer don’t ask the question - and tbh I’ve never understood why you would ask something so personal to someone you barely know. I also agree about trying to break the taboo around miscarriage - if we feel able to be open hopefully it’ll give support to anyone going through it in the future.

Reading these updates I'm struck by how wise and thoughtful everyone's words are. What you're all saying about telling people is really making me think about my own choices - you are a wise lot. Is that something about what we've been through? I sometimes feel like I'm part of a club I didn't used to really know existed and didn't want to be a part of but it has absolutely changed my perspective of what's important and how I see the things I used to take for granted, and has definitely changed how I support people. Either way, what a wonderful source of support this thread is, I am so grateful to have virtually 'met' you all.

Best of luck to those of you who have scans and appointments tomorrow. We're all here for you, whatever happens. I will be nervously waiting to see if my period comes, as it may well do if my pregnancy hasn't stuck. Trying not to read into lack of symptoms. Fingers crossed.

Big love to you strong, brilliant women. 💪

Sorry I realise that last post sounded a bit grand. Sat in an airport on my own feeling pensive 🙈. Anyway, thinking of you all ♥️ xx

@Hagster I think you're right. Loss makes you see things and the world in general differently.

I'm so nervous for tomorrows scan. My stomach is upset again this morning which I'm hoping is just hormones and ibs combining. The same thing happened last Saturday. Ugh.

Not grand at all @Hagster I feel the same. Not sure what I would've done without this thread this weekend.

@Hagster I totally agree. While this is an awful club to be in the support and care everyone here shows is massively important and it's really helped keep me sane recently.

Luckily the constant sickness seems to have calmed down, I'm back to "normal" for me levels of nausea and the lovely metallic taste in my mouth that ruins food🤦.
I've managed to go to one of my exercise classes this morning which has really boosted me up a bit, even though I was weak as a kitten and didn't manage much strength training.

@avocadoincident I sincerely hope tomorrow goes well for you. Maybe "well" is the wrong word, but that your scan is a positive experience and that the consultants appointment isn't too difficult to bear. Sending you lots of virtual hugs and positive thoughts xx

Completely agree with you all on sharing the news - with my first pregnancy I did tell more people than I’d wanted to, but we’d been TTC for a couple of years and my close friends were often asking how I was doing and if there were any updates from doctors appointments. Honestly just being pregnant felt like we’d won the battle already at that point - I was quite naive to what could go wrong after that (and thankfully didn’t have to find that out until later). 💛

These pregnancies, I’ve also been of the mindset that if a friend would be someone I’d turn to if I miscarried, then I didn’t mind telling them I was pregnant. I’ve been very open about my miscarriage, I had absolutely no idea what was coming and how to deal with it, so I wanted to be open so that my friends know they can talk to me if it ever happens to them. 💛 But it’s such a personal choice, and while I’d love to break the taboo, I also sometimes just don’t want to talk about it. There’s no right answer, I think it’s just what feels right for you, and what makes things easier for you to deal with at that time.

This thread is really like therapy isn’t it 🤣🤣🤣

Good luck to everyone having their scans tomorrow, will be thinking of you all xxxx 💛

@SW83 I'm so sorry 

@avocadoincident how are you feeling? Silly question i know

@SunStruck I echo what @Treaclepie19 said. If there's no particular reason to have extra tests I would start with the harmony. I found the CVS really uncomfortable and quite harrowing both times. Although it was always after a scan that didn't go well which didn't help. I'm having harmony this time and then we'll see what the nuchal looks like at the scan.

@Treaclepie19 TMFR is such a taboo and it shouldn't be. I'd love to read your blog x

Oh and regarding telling people, it's so personal but we've told family, close friends and people at work who need to know.

I'm all good, just getting to grips witg our new boiler and depressed at the state of our building site of a house. Still all a good distraction while I wait for my 10 week scan on Wednesday!

Good luck to all having scans tomorrow

www.facebook.com/lifewithoutjesse/
Here's my blog @Seahawk80
Thank you :) x

@Seahawk80 I feel calm to be honest. I'm such a fool of an optimist that I'm holding onto hope whilst preparing myself for all eventualities tomorrow. At least the scan is first thing.

I've got to pack two sets of notes from two different pregnancies which feels bizarre.

@Treaclepie19 I'm getting onto that blog now.

I've also been finding podcasts really helpful too. I just search miscarriage podcasts and the available material is endless.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow @avocadoincident
It's hard to process it all isn't it?

Thanks ❤

Thanks @Treaclepie19 I will have a proper read - such a lovely idea to keep your sons memory alive and open up the conversation around TMFR. Someone I know who has a decent instagram following had a tmfr fairly recently and just didn't feel able to talk about it, although she did make it public that she'd lost her baby and it made me so sad and cross that it's such a taboo.

It's so sad. Even now I have days where I feel like a fraud because "we had a choice"
It's ridiculous even saying that out loud because it makes no difference. We still lost our little boy that we wanted so much.

@Treaclepie19 I've been reading through your blog. You have done a wonderful thing sharing Jesse's story, and I'm struggling to find the words to say how it made me feel other than that I just want to give you and your family the biggest of hugs right now. Hope the nerves let you get some sleep tonight - I'm definitely feeling very on edge at the moment, I'm not sure if I'm counting down the hours waiting for it to come, or willing time to slow down so I can remain in ignorance....

@avocadoincident will be thinking of you tomorrow, I hope both the scan and the consultant appointment go as well as they can.

Thabk you @Avocuddles. It's been therapeutic to write everything down and if I can help one person feel less alone then it's all worth it in Jesse's name.

I hope we can both get some rest tonight. I feel the same way. Sort of want to stay in this bubble where I don't know anything but equally want to know if baby is even there.