17yr old sharing with new baby?

[essexanon]

Hey guys.
Bit of a weird one, I have my first baby on the way. I live in a 2 bed house with hubby and I have custody of my nephew, who is 17. He is in full time education.

When the baby comes, it will be in our room for 6-9 months, after that, I would like the baby to go in the another room but it would mean my 17yr old would have to share his room with the baby.

Is this normal? Has anyone else got a massive age gap with kids Sharing a room?

With a bit of moving around, I could put a temporary screen up and split the room 70/30 so baby has 30% of the room. And it would Be there half first as you walk in the door so I wouldn’t have To Disturb my nephew to get to the baby. But as it’s only a blackout curtain dividing them, I’m concerned his privacy will still be disturbed and they will spend most of the time disturbing each other (him with tv and gaming, baby with crying and playing)

Only other option would be baby sleeps with us in our room until around 2-3 years old, and when he finishes college and maybe moves out. But then does this not disrupt us? Is the baby going to be spoilt and over clingy because they sleep in our room?

Please no comments about him leaving now. I am his legal guardian, and he’s like my son.

Thank you!

You sound really nice OP and I wish you well with the rest of your pregnancy.

I probably wouldn’t put a 17yo in with a baby. I think you’re right to be considering other options.

Ignore the judgemental types calling you selfish - they’ve never walked in your shoes.

Someone early on in the thread tells you what you’re ‘meant to be’ wearing, attached to, co-sleeping with your baby and it sounded more like an instruction than a choice. It’s a choice and not something you are ‘meant’ to do at all so I just wanted to point that out.

Again - wishing you well to wherever you are :-)

But I know when the baby comes, he will give me a break Often and take the baby in his room to play so I can sleep/get on with bits for a while. And he will happily keep toys in his room so he can play with baby when he wants.

@essexanon He sounds like a good lad.

I don't have any helpful suggestions other than what's already been said but wanted to put your mind at rest. My DP is a HGV driver too and whilst he does sleep on sofa working days I've noticed that I wake up to the children's first stirrings whereas he doesn't wake for another 10-15 mins after they start stirring, despite him being a very light sleeper.

Also we have very limited space too and DS, the baby, doesn't have a changing table or anything, just a changing mat we keep down the side of the bed and put in the bed in the middle of the night or keep in lounge.

You need to convert your loft

You would essentially be putting your baby in with another (almost) adult and having them be disturbed by night wakings.

The baby should stay in your room until your nephews room is empty, or you can come up with another solution like loft conversion or properly splitting the bedroom into two.

Two bedrooms can easily be turned into three, if you pop a quick drawing on with approximate measurements we can show you the best way to divide with stud walls.

We’re on holiday at the moment and had our 11 month old in our room last night. My word he’s bloody noisy. I didn’t sleep a wink but DH slept like a baby (ha!) all night. And I had ear plugs in!

DD slept in our bed until 2.5yo (health problem she grew out of). She's one of the most fiercely independent, outgoing 6yos I know (and I've worked with quite a few). Sharing a room doesn't necessarily make them clingy.
DH slept through her frequent wakings and constant coughing. I joke I had no sleep for five years from becoming pregnant with DD1, and DD2 moving into a bedroom with her sister at this point.

Personally I'd try sharing a room with baby and DH and only consider living room option if it's becoming an issue with your DHs sleep. I understand fully in that particular line of work they need sleep.

Would your DH wear earplugs? My dp wears silicone ear plugs and I use them too after a night shift. You cant hear a thing.

A friend of mine had a five year old who she didn’t want being disturbed by the baby so they kept DC2 in with them until she reliably slept through at 2.

First they just had a bedside crib as normal, but at about 7 months they swapped their bed for a double high sleeper, put the baby in a cot underneath and just kept one of those fold up foam chairbeds next to the cot in case it needed to be deployed for co sleeping purposes (even with the most reliable sleeper if they’re ill and up every half an hour, you’ll end up saying sod it for a day or two!).

They actually ended up loving the extra space the high sleeper gave them, and when their DC were 2 and 7 they put them in together in the bigger bedroom, and moved themselves into the smaller room with loads of clever storage under the high sleeper.

You mentioned trying to use a curtain to divide the room some how. Ikea make curtain rails especially for this purpose. They are called Vidga room dividers. The track can be fixed to the ceiling and you can basically box in a bed with curtains. A bit like a four poster! You could do it round the cot or your bed, whichever works best.

This is a picture of why you can do. You could of course use blackout curtains.

www.ikea.com/gb/en/images/products/vidga-room-divider-for-corner-white__0609423_PH147513_S5.JPG?f=s

I was in a room with my parents until I was nearly 8! We only had a 1 bedroom flat, so four of us shared (my brother came along 2.5 years after me).
You won't be doing the baby a disservice by keeping them in with you. My parents had very strict rules about staying in your own bed and not getting in with them. The cats were more likely to climb into their bed in the middle of the night than me or my brother!

Completely unfair on your nephew. Keep the baby in your room or move house.

I think getting a sofa bed would be a good idea as PP said. If you're concerned about your partner's shift pattern and safety at work if he's tired, then at least you'll have somewhere for him to escape if baby is a noisy sleeper (mine was very noisy for around 4 months) and/or waking a lot.

Either way, having the baby in your nephew's room is entirely inappropriate. You may even find you get more sleep with the baby in your room - my daughter sleeps for much longer at a time if one of us shares the spare bed with her as we can quickly settle her if she gets wriggly, whereas if she's in her own room she's usually past the point of just needing a quick back rub or pat and then she'll need a feed to settle down again.

what's the long term plan? is DN likely to be independent short - medium term? off to uni?

i would be keeping the baby in with me, i wouldn't be comfortable with a baby and a teenager in together. SIL has to have her baby in with her 6 year old and that's causing them enough difficulties, and their 6yo is very amiable and laid back, and an excellent sleeper, but this still causes them problems.

RTFT !

They have no money to move or build extensions either

The baby was unplanned

So was the nephew

• When they bought the house, they didn't know nephew would be living with them

OP:
You are really kind to take in your nephew 💐 but this obviously complicates all your lives a lot

See how your DH gets on with earplugs and / or white noise
You can have rules about always putting them back in their own cot; maybe you can curtain off a corner of your room
If you do have to sleep downstairs, I agree with prioritising a good sofa bed / daybed, or your back will soon be knackered

I think the baby needs to stay in with you for a long time. Your nephew really needs to be able to study at this key stage of his life, so critical for his future ... and baby would prob much prefer to be with you ... it's the best thing for the time-being. And well done for supporting your nephew.

Your doing great!

My only tips is to think about really good/well designed storage for stuff in Nephew's room. Can you get any kind of extra shed or anything? Or even one of those Yellow Box type storage spaces? (Or do you have relatives with space to store stuff.) As you may find people give you stiff that is a bit advanced for baby.
Good luck!

Thank you all for your kind words, support and ideas. I’m going to keep baby in with us, with white noise and earplugs at the ready for OH and see how we get on. Worst scenario we will look at a sofa bed for downstairs if OH does get disrupted easily.

Thanks for the kind words on nephew- yea he’s a good kid, typical teenager lazy sometimes but would do anything for me and has even taken over some of the household chores since I’ve become pregnant. (Was like asking for a kidney before).

I’m sure it’ll all work it’s way out in the end, these things tend to. But I just like to be organised and have a plan in place before.

Thanks all! And congratulations As well to all of those expecting too!! 😘

Sounds like you’ve got it sorted op, and got some constructive help from some posters. I can sympathise as was in a similar situation, but with DSS instead of DN and only at weekends. DH is a driver too, so I understand that worry. Our house was tiny. DS was in with us until 6 months, and after that he went into DSS room during the week and back in with us at weekends (we used a travel cot). It’s not ideal but it worked, as I’m sure your set up will too. DH also found it very easy to go back to sleep when he was woken by the baby. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and wishing you well once little one arrives.

Ps our longer term solution was to move into a bigger house, which wasn’t as nice, so cost exactly the same, but the extra space was more important at that point. But that was after a few years once we’d saved moving costs. DSS and DS have a great bond now as I don’t think DSS ever felt pushed out by his little brother.

I don't think it's right to put baby in with your nephew at all. Better the baby disturbs you as it's your baby!

@OP does your nephew have a social worker or is it just an informal arrangement that he lives with you? If no social worker it might be worth trying to speak to one or get advice or referral through his school. This would be to make sure you are getting any financial help you can with this. Extra money might allow you to buy more suitable furniture that might make things a bit easier. Maybe go to the CAB and see if they can signpost you anywhere? I understand as well that you might have perfectly legitimate reasons for keeping this arrangement informal though.

OP I'm sure you know about this already but there is some financial support available and you might be able to claim child benefit for your nephew
childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/family-and-friends-care/#What-financial-support-is-available-for-Kinship-and-Family-Friend-carers