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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Pregnant but my Mum is devastated

140 replies

Starburst90 · 23/11/2019 12:57

I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant with my first child (6 weeks) but my Mum has not taken it well at all.

She says it’s awful news, has been the worst 2 weeks of her life, she’s cried every single day and refers to the day I told her as “black Saturday.”

Her main reason for not approving is that I’ve only been with my partner since June so it is a new relationship. I’m about to turn 29 though, have my own house and we both have jobs so I feel like people do manage in trickier situations. She also says that my partner will leave me and I won’t be able to cope by myself as my family live 1hr away so I would have limited support. Whilst I’m obviously hoping that won’t happen, I’d like to think that if I was left as a single parent I would be able to survive, as many others do.

She keeps making snipes about my situation which is leading to arguments because I feel she’s being overly negative and I don’t want what might be my only pregnancy to be tainted by the fact she can’t accept it and is miserable all the time. She says she can’t help how she feels and I’m being inconsiderate for not understanding what I’ve put her through by getting myself in this situation. Does anyone have any advice how to deal with this?

OP posts:
SweepTheHalls · 23/11/2019 12:59

Tell her that she's being ridiculous and that she needs to not contact you until she has stopped being so stupid. Congratulations! Flowers

VincentVanGoughandhisear · 23/11/2019 13:00

Crikey, talk about an over reaction!

Let her get on with, have sometime away from her and enjoy your pregnancy!

Congratulations!!

Velveteenfruitbowl · 23/11/2019 13:01

Does she usually make things about herself or find excuses to make you as unhappy as possible?

CobaltLoafer · 23/11/2019 13:02

What a narcissist. Tell her she’s ruining ‘what could be your only pregnancy’ and stop being so selfish, that you are happy and if you end up a single mum she’s off the hook, so chill out.

I’m sure she’ll come round in time but maybe have a break from her while she’s being such a drama queen!

TheBeesKnee · 23/11/2019 13:03

Is your dad around? Do you have any siblings? Could anyone have a weird with her?

It sounds like a crazy overreaction, what do you think is driving her to behave this way?

coldfeetallthetime · 23/11/2019 13:03

This is madness!! Is she quite well?

My mum has the same if not worse reaction but the difference is I was 18 at the time! Your mum is way way overreacting. Do not stress yourself. Let her get on with it and come back with her tail between her legs when DG is here.

Irishgene · 23/11/2019 13:03

Tell her to mind her own business, I agree with @SweepTheHalls....no contact until she sorts herself out!

lanbro · 23/11/2019 13:04

Is she always so unsupportive? I managed to get pregnant after just a few weeks with a new boyfriend. I was also 29. When I told my parents I was expecting disappointment but they were amazing and just said they would support me whatever I decided, I was also living back with them temporarily!

Your mother's reaction is ridiculous, tell her you wont discuss anything further with her unless she has a change of attitude

Laterthanyouthink · 23/11/2019 13:05

Is it because she would have liked you to have been married first?

Ikeameatballs · 23/11/2019 13:05

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I’d have one final conversation with her. Explain to her that your are happy about your pregnancy and that you want her to be too. She should get in touch when she can be happy and offer you support, if needed. You’ll wait to hear from her. Then leave it.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 23/11/2019 13:06

What an awful woman. Get some distance, you don't need that kind of negativity. I was 17 when I told my mum I was pregnant and she isn't great in lots of ways but didn't react at all like your mum.
You sound pretty sorted to me and she should be happy for you.
Congratulations!

India999 · 23/11/2019 13:06

Congrats on your pregnancy!!

Do what makes you happy.

BlobbyTheLump · 23/11/2019 13:09

She sounds awful.

Honestly, I'd send her a text just saying 'I'm really happy about my pregnancy and I hope you can find it in yourself to be happy too. Until then I'd appreciate if you could keep your negative comments to yourself.'

And leave it there.

Every time she mentions something even remotely negative, grey rock her. Don't bite or even reply.
Google Grey Rock, it's very effective.
Maybe even think about going low contact for now.

Look after yourself Thanks

CareOfPunts · 23/11/2019 13:09

Does she usually make things about herself or find excuses to make you as unhappy as possible?

This. She sounds narcissistic, awful woman.

Bluerussian · 23/11/2019 13:12

Starburst90, your mum is wrong to take such a stance. You're a grown woman with a job and a home so in a better position than many who find out they're pregnant.

She will feel differently when the baby arrives but do tell her that she is upsetting you so much, it's spoiling your pregnancy which is a precious time. This is not about your mother though she is trying to make it so.

Congratulations to you!
Flowers

Butterymuffin · 23/11/2019 13:13

Does she have form for this?

my family live 1hr away so I would have limited support.
Wow, doesn't sound like you're missing out much if this is the kind of 'support' you'd be getting!

How do you normally have contact with her? I would drop that right down and if she complains, tell her why. It's her being the inconsiderate one!

Bouledeneige · 23/11/2019 13:14

She sounds horrid. Tell her to either choose to be helpful and kind or step away from your life.

I'm curious why you think this will be your only pregnancy? Is that because you don't think the relationship will last? Or you only want one child? I'm presuming not age as I didn't have my two till I was 36 and 38.

Original poster
Starburst90 · 23/11/2019 13:15

Thank you, I do feel like it’s a massive over reaction but of course she says I have no idea and I’m acting like a teenage who thinks they have all the answers because I’ve not been through it before.

I think she had undiagnosed post natal depression after having me, so I wonder if her extreme reaction is due to it dragging up some difficult feelings that were never dealt with relating to that. I wonder if talking to a counsellor might help, she feels her reaction is perfectly natural though as I’ve not been with my partner very long. She’s already says I’ve got to think how I’ll tell my grandparents who’ll be “totally heartbroken”, I almost feel like I’ve committed a crime!

She does try her best by texting me each day asking if I’m ok but we can’t have an actual conversation without it getting back to all of this. It’s just a shame because I’d like my mum to be there and be supportive. With it being so early I’ve only told one other friend but it’d be nice for my family to be on board!

OP posts:
Roomba · 23/11/2019 13:15

My sympathies - I got a similar reaction to my first pregnancy aged 29 and it wasn't even a new relationship. She said how on earth could I bring a child up with my 'poxy office job' (I had a good job, own home and earned 3x what she ever had at the time). When I told her about my second pregnancy, aged 35, she screamed at me that my father was crying in the background and it was all my fault, I'd ruined my life and would never cope with two children!

Both times she managed to calm down by the time my DC were born and then turned up cooing and wanting to be a doting grandmother. She seemed amazed that I didn't wish to text her 5x a day with baby updates and invite her to stay for a month to 'care' for us... Suspect she hated not being the centre of attention - and your mother may be the same? Tell her to speak to you when she's decided to be happy for you and not before as she's spoiling your pregnancy and stressing you out (not good for you or the baby!).

GeoffreyAndBungle · 23/11/2019 13:17

Ugh is she usually so vile?

my mother was exactly the same even though I was 33 and had been with my partner 2 years when I got pregnant with a much planned babyConfused However my mother is a horrible narcissistic specimen.

I just told her to get over herself as DP and I were very happy- I told her any more negative comments and I would stop all contact. She managed rein it in for a bit because (she told me) she thought I'd stop her from seeing her grandchild but she was back to normal narcissistic behaviour pretty soon after DC was born. We have been no contact for many years.

econowifey · 23/11/2019 13:17

I was 27, in hindsight not with a good partner. My mum stopped talking to me, offered to pay for an abortion, it was awful. I was just saying we'll be fine etc etc
Well she was right about the ex, and it was a bit of a rollercoaster but all worked out in the end. DS is 11 now.
I do still think about that time. Someone said to me Mum was like that because at that time she only cared about me and not the baby. Only worried about the impact on me. I can see that now I guess.
Best of luck with your pregnancy!

gavisconismyfriend · 23/11/2019 13:17

You’re 29, you’re haven’t “put her through” anything. You’re living an adult, independent life and she doesn’t like it. Keep living your life OP. Your mum can either come round to it and engage with her DGC or not, her choice, her loss. I wish someone had told me that at your age, I’m 47 and still struggling to extricate myself from a parent who can’t see beyond herself. Share your pregnancy joy with those who will be happy to celebrate it with you and leave your mum to stew in her own bitter juice.

Roomba · 23/11/2019 13:20

She’s already says I’ve got to think how I’ll tell my grandparents who’ll be “totally heartbroken” - I got 'It's a good job your grandparents aren't here anymore, I wonder what they'd be saying about all this?'

My mother definitely had postnatal depression (she was almost hospitalised with it), so I think she judged me by her own experience and decided I would suffer the same. Thankfully not so, she now says she admires how I 'coped' (as if it were a great trauma not two amazing, welcome DC) as she'd never manage what I do. Sounds like your mother is similar.

Boymummy3 · 23/11/2019 13:26

I'm really sorry but if my mum reacted like that I would tell her to get out of my life and don't bother with my child once it was born!
She sounds absolutely awfull..
She should be supporting you in what is one of the best times of your life.

I honestly would have a word with her be Frank and say if you can't be happy for me I would rather you not speak to me. It sounds like she needs telling straight and some home truths. X

TheletterZ · 23/11/2019 13:30

My mum had PND, undiagnosed and dismissed ‘you should be grateful you have a baby’ etc....
It made the relationship between us very difficult when my eldest was born and less so with the next.
Also, she probably had a vision of you happily married with a white picket fence and all the trimmings and you aren’t living that by being a real person.
You have a choice, either tell her that if she can’t be happy for you then you will have little or no contact. Or, just ignore the comments.