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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Pregnant but my Mum is devastated

140 replies

Starburst90 · 23/11/2019 12:57

I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant with my first child (6 weeks) but my Mum has not taken it well at all.

She says it’s awful news, has been the worst 2 weeks of her life, she’s cried every single day and refers to the day I told her as “black Saturday.”

Her main reason for not approving is that I’ve only been with my partner since June so it is a new relationship. I’m about to turn 29 though, have my own house and we both have jobs so I feel like people do manage in trickier situations. She also says that my partner will leave me and I won’t be able to cope by myself as my family live 1hr away so I would have limited support. Whilst I’m obviously hoping that won’t happen, I’d like to think that if I was left as a single parent I would be able to survive, as many others do.

She keeps making snipes about my situation which is leading to arguments because I feel she’s being overly negative and I don’t want what might be my only pregnancy to be tainted by the fact she can’t accept it and is miserable all the time. She says she can’t help how she feels and I’m being inconsiderate for not understanding what I’ve put her through by getting myself in this situation. Does anyone have any advice how to deal with this?

OP posts:

wooleytoes · 23/11/2019 16:35

I have to admit if my daughter was in your position I'd be very worried for her no matter her age.

That being said your mother's behaviour is out of order and I don't know what she thinks she's going to achieve beyond pushing you away.

georgialondon · 23/11/2019 16:37

Love how she's making it all bout her!!

5zeds · 23/11/2019 16:40

Oh congratulations. It’s lovely news and she’s being horrid. Just stop contact, she’ll either change her behaviour and be nice or you can find support elsewhere

blueshoes · 23/11/2019 17:29

The absolute best advice I can give you is don't be a SAHM for years and years, use childcare when baby is a bit older and get up the career ladder as much as you can.

This. You are only scatching the surface of your partner if you have only known him for 6 months. Let things settle down but always keep your job.

Thatagain · 23/11/2019 19:12

Your mother has issues op. Don't see her untill they are sorted. I am a gp so I can say that. Congratulations on your first pregnancy. Hope all goes well for you all.

Nonnymum · 23/11/2019 19:40

Firstly congratulations. What was your relationship with your mum like before? Is she a worrier and did she find parenthood hard? If so she might just be projecting her own thoughts onto you and be concerned that you wont be able to cope Also has she tended to live through you? Been over invested in what you do as though she wants to fulfil something in herself. If so she might worry that you won't be able to be as successful in your career now. But really that is her problem not yours
Either way she is wrong to react as she did. It's your life and your baby, I think you need a serious talk with her about how you feel and why she is being so horrible. But if she can't be happy for you and accept your baby into the family with love then you are better off without her and she will be the one missing out on something precious.

BennyTheBall · 23/11/2019 19:43

Her reaction is somewhat over the top.

I can understand she might be concerned that you're in a new relationship that might not last. I would be worried too if you were my daughter. But she needs to be supporting you and seeing the positives here.

Pinkblueberry · 23/11/2019 19:51

She says it’s awful news, has been the worst 2 weeks of her life, she’s cried every single day and refers to the day I told her as “black Saturday.”

How does she react when there’s actual bad news ffs. She sounds like the queen of drama queens and a bit of a self-centred prat. Quite frankly I’d tell her fine, no need for you to be involved. I understand wanting a good relationship with your mum and wanting her to be there for you - but I doubt you’ll ever really get that, she sounds like an absolute drain and is behaving in a way that’s just plain disgusting. You’re having a baby, you should be happy, she should be sharing your happiness and instead she’s turning it into a horrible experience. I’ve never said this before but here goes - go NC for a while. I feel so sorry for you for having a person like that for a mother.

Lindy2 · 23/11/2019 20:01

I was expecting you to say you were 16 and still at school.

You're 29 and perfectly able to make decisions for yourself and live your life how you wish.

Yes, a longer relationship probably would have been better but you are in a relationship and you have a stable home of your own for your baby.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I would limit contact with your parents for now. Attitudes like that are not what you need during your pregnancy and not what you need when baby arrives.

holly40 · 23/11/2019 20:07

Golly. I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive her and get over this. She's said some truly horrible things.

SingingSands · 23/11/2019 20:19

I'm really sorry your mum is being like this. My mum was the same - horrified - and I had been with my boyfriend for 6 years, owned my own home, was in full time employment! Her first words to me were "oh no, oh my god, how will you pay the mortgage?" which was a horrible thing to say.

We had arguments, she did a lot of flouncing. She said "that baby will be a bastard" - as we weren't married.

I think, like your mum, my mum didn't like the fact she had no control over the situation. She's more traditional than she thinks and was appalled we were having a baby before being married.

Fast forward a few months and she started to thaw a bit. Fast forward to the birth of my DD and her first visit, where she cried and said "thank you for making me a grandma".

Give yourself a bit of space from her for a few weeks and let her get used to the idea. And you don't need a daily text asking how you are - you just need her to accept your situation and stop making you (and herself) feel so awful!

Elmo311 · 23/11/2019 20:19

Don't worry, she will come round once the baby is here, and if she doesn't it is her loss!

I was 29 when I met my other half. We met in March, went on holiday In May, got a house together In June, and I was pregnant by September (planned!) And engaged in October.

We told my mum and dad at Christmas time and they didn't take it well. But now they love their grandchildren ...(oh yeah then I had another one!)

They are Irish Catholic, but I'm very much an Atheist now. It's not what they wanted for me, they wanted marriage etc first but after being in shit relationships for most of my 20's when I met my other half, I just knew :)

We are getting married next year! I think my parents will be relived then!

But I thought they'd stay upset forever and they didn't! They love the kids to bits now and ask how they are before even asking about me!

You'll get through it x

strawberry2017 · 23/11/2019 20:20

I wouldn't be surprised if your grand parents react better then you expect. Don't take her word for it that they won't be happy.
Congratulations! It's very exciting. Length of time together doesn't make a relationship work it's the people in the relationship.
My parents got married after 6 months together and 40+ years later are still together.

user1498572889 · 23/11/2019 20:26

Wow. Nothing like having a supportive mum who has your back. 😔

Namechangerextraordinaire1 · 24/11/2019 07:33

I fell pregnant at 22, to a guy I'd been with for less than a year, who was a lot older than me. My mum was shocked but supportive, my dad spent my early pregancy telling my mum to tell me to get rid of the baby. I wasn't responsible enough for a baby. I couldn't look after a baby. My mum rightly told him that was rubbish and she would do no such thing as tell me to get rid. It hurt, and it still hurts a little bit now, but I know that even though his reaction was horrible, it's because he was worried for me.

Then I split up with my ex when my dc was 1, we were a terrible couple, and once I fell pregnant he became emotionally abusive to me, so I was far better off out of it. At this point, my darling dad started telling me I had to stay with my ex, I wouldn't manage without him, I can't look after a baby on my own blah blah blah. I pointed out that her dad did sweet fa with her and I'd been looking after her on my own for the past year anyway. And then I made it my purpose to prove to him how very very wrong he was!

He absolutely dotes on my dc now and thinks she is the best. His reaction sucked and was very unsupportive and I still don't fully forgive him for it, but I do know it came from the right place, even jf it was completely wrong.

Let your mum calm down, ignore her negativity and enjoy your pregnancy and baby when they arrive. I'm sure once baby is here and your mum sees your ok she will change her tune. In fact, she probably will once she gets over the shock of it

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