Pregnant but my Mum is devastated

[Starburst90]

I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant with my first child (6 weeks) but my Mum has not taken it well at all.

She says it’s awful news, has been the worst 2 weeks of her life, she’s cried every single day and refers to the day I told her as “black Saturday.”

Her main reason for not approving is that I’ve only been with my partner since June so it is a new relationship. I’m about to turn 29 though, have my own house and we both have jobs so I feel like people do manage in trickier situations. She also says that my partner will leave me and I won’t be able to cope by myself as my family live 1hr away so I would have limited support. Whilst I’m obviously hoping that won’t happen, I’d like to think that if I was left as a single parent I would be able to survive, as many others do.

She keeps making snipes about my situation which is leading to arguments because I feel she’s being overly negative and I don’t want what might be my only pregnancy to be tainted by the fact she can’t accept it and is miserable all the time. She says she can’t help how she feels and I’m being inconsiderate for not understanding what I’ve put her through by getting myself in this situation. Does anyone have any advice how to deal with this?

Blimey I fell pregnant in much worse circumstances (no partner, no house, just qualified and only 26yo) and my mum was much more supportive, thank God!

Your mum sounds mad tbh.

Honestly, she is scared for you. She's not 'vile', 'awful', 'self-centered' etc. Us mums of 20-something dds still think of you as our babies and only want 'the best' for you which in our cosy little minds is a worthy husband, decent house, good health, good incomes then a huddle of gorgeous grandchildren. If you deviate from that we immediately think of all the pitfalls and sometimes we voice them, sometimes we manage to keep our mouths zipped! We can't help it! Just repeat to her 'I'll be fine mum, I'll be fine'. She'll soon come round and want to be part of it all. Good luck with the pregnancy x

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I’m so sorry to hear your mum has reacted so badly to your joyful news and keeps trying to make you feel bad about your pregnancy.
Your body, your choice, you are totally right that many people have managed in worse situations. I’m sure you’ll do fine.

I want to give you some advice based on my own experience. My DM has done many awful things when I was pregnant with DS last year. Just as an example, deliberately making me upset by reacting very cold and uninterested to an echo photo I wanted to show her and when I told her I was hurt by her reaction, blocking me on whats app and making it clear my invitation to spend Christmas with my parents had been withdrawn (it happened the day before Christmas). DH was abroad so as a result, spending my last Christmas in my homecountry pregnant and all alone, mostly crying on the sofa. This is 1 example and one of the things that has changed my relationship with her forever as I will never forgive her what she did at that time. She managed to ruin many moments during my pregnancy. I should have cut her off the first time she pulled one of her mean tricks on me but I kept believing that she would change and come around. I think you should tell her that you expect nothing but support from her and if she can’t give you that, she should stay away completely. Don’t give her any more chances to ruin this special time that will never come back and poison it with bad memories. I wish someone had given me the same advice last year.

All the best and enjoy your pregnancy

My mum had a similar reaction when I fell pregnant first time too. I was a few years younger and we weren't living together but had known my partner longer and we both had decent jobs. She was very unsupportive, didn't ask how I was at all and said some very hurtful things for which she never apologised. We barely speak now after years of her being unsupportive and pretty disinterested in my DC.
Whilst I can understand a parent's concern when their daughter becomes pregnant under less than ideal circumstances, the reaction that is verbalised to the woman needs to be massively tempered and supportive.

I think you need to tell your mum clearly how you feel if you are able to and then leave all communication for now. Is your partner being supportive?

One thing, I don't understand what you mean by this 'It’s hard because I’m an only child so have relied on her and my Dad for supper.'

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Your mum is a twat. As a PP said, ignore her and step back. Limit the time you spend talking to and seeing her.

Your dad doesn't "obviously" have to support her btw, he should be supporting you and rejecting her bullshit, but he is probably a classic enabler (impossible for him to be much else when married to your mum).

She will get worse, not better, so you really need to put some boundaries in place and focus on yourself and your baby.

You might find the Stately Homes thread helpful.

It fucks with your head when your dd is up-duffed. Absolutely fucks it up. I remember thinking "No! I go to midwife appointments, you're the baby!" Give her a few weeks to get used to that.

Added, you aren't married, it's not yet a long term relationship, she'll be worried about you and the baby in the future. And who knows what she's said to her friends about unmarried mums in the past, with 'My daughter would never do that!' tagged on the end. That's a bit uncharitable of me, but you never know.

The bit that worries me is that she thinks this is something you are 'putting her through'. That smells of narc. But maybe she's just struggling with the situation and trying to express herself.

Keep your house, keep your job, keep seeing yourself as a competent single mother, don't tie yourself in to the new man until the years have passed and he's proved himself.

Congratulations, and good luck.

Congratulations by the way. I was going to ask if you are an only child, but I see that you are. She is projecting her own shit on you and is being entirely selfish. How she feels does not matter a jot here, only how you feel and how your partner feels. Tell her to figure out her own feelings herself, you don't need that pressure. she can’t bear to see me go through this that's like saying you were her worst decision or part of her life, yet she is entirely involved in your life and does love you? Point this out to her, a new little person will bring so much joy.

Congratulations!

Mine was the same, it was awful. My pregnancy was fucking awful timing for lots of reasons. But we were happy. She ruined what should have been a lovely time. Years later we don’t talk now. It’s tainted it, she told me to get rid of it, I wasn’t ready to be a mother, completely belittled me and my choices. Even down to laughing at what I was proposing to take baby out in. Ultimately scales lifted as your instincts kick in to protect your child. It’s one thing feeling like that about me, another to start on my child (now children).

I wish you well, enjoy your pregnancy and surround yourself with love

Honestly, she is scared for you. She's not 'vile', 'awful', 'self-centered' etc. Us mums of 20-something dds still think of you as our babies and only want 'the best' for you which in our cosy little minds is a worthy husband, decent house, good health, good incomes then a huddle of gorgeous grandchildren

wow- I'm the mother of 20 somethings and I don't think like this at all!

My mother is also a pain in the arse make it all about herself under the guise of 'caring'. It's exhausting and such a negative drain emotionally!
Try and draw back OP and congrats

Congratulations OP.

She definitely sounds ridiculous. My mum was disappointed when I found out I was pregnant, but I was 22 and not financially secure. She certainly didn't act like your mum did though and was nothing but supportive throughout my pregnancy.

Hopefully she'll come around. Try not to focus on it for now and just enjoy this time.

I’m so sorry OP, your mum sounds absolutely horrible. Pregnancy is a wonderful thing, as long as you are happy that’s all that matters (and I’m sure your mum will come around!) lots of love x

@lexplorer- that is nonsense. Not all mum of 20 somethings think of them as babies and of course you can learn to keep your mouths closed rather than making damaging, unkind and unsupportive remarks to a vulnerable pregnant woman.
I would have found it reasonable if my mother had admitted that she was worried for me, asked if I was okay, visited, asked practical questions but she flew into a rage and said hurtful things. There is a massive difference and it is not possible to justify this sort of reaction by saying that you were worried. Surely a mother in her 50s (on average) is well aware by that stage that life doesn't always go to some perfect plan!

My dd got pregnant and had no proper place to call her own ,no money and no job. With support and encouragement she has turned her life around and now has 2 beautiful dc . If you don’t take a chance you will never know what could have been. Ignore your dm and have a good life. Congrats ❤️

Having got pregnant very quickly in what turned out to be a violently abusive relationship - my ex moved into my home, by the way - I'm assuming it's just your house, not his as well - one of the things that became clear when it inevitably fell apart was the ex's determination to get his hands on my home.

I'd be quietly horrified if either of my DDs, having just split up from a long term relationship, met somebody else (whether I liked them or not) and were pregnant just 20-odd weeks later with no access to practical support because they lived a long way away, as I'd have visions of them being maltreated and unable to do a thing about it because they felt trapped - as well as wishing that they'd spent some time being young, free and single, rather than going from being 'old' and restricted straight into being restricted (and probably skint) for the rest of their lives because of being a mum.

So ashtray you'd be gushing with delight if one of yours said they were pregnant with a fairly new boyfriend? Not me nor any of my mum friends!

My goodness OP - I though you were going to tell us you were 14!

You are 29, well able to make your own decisions.

I had been dating my boyfriend for 6 weeks when I became pregnant. I kept the baby ( and boyfriend) still blisfully happy 23 years later.

As a mum to 3 adult DDs, I can see where she's coming from..... you've hardly known this person for more than a few months, and having a child with someone is a lifetime commitment, even more than marriage. You don't know this person as well as you could have done to make this choice.

I'm not saying her drama is fair on you, but she does have a point. How does she get on with your partner? I'd bet from her reaction that she doesn't approve of this relationship at all.......

She's your Mum, it's her job to look out for you. And right now, she's worried sick. I think you need to cut her some slack, tbh. One day you'll be going through this with your own DC.

There's ways of being concerned and keeping your trap shut. I was 20 and pregnant and my mum made it all about her...

And congratulations OP!!

I wouldn't be gushing with delight, I'd take my lead from the happiness or not of my child. I wouldn't be doing this:

She says it’s awful news, has been the worst 2 weeks of her life, she’s cried every single day and refers to the day I told her as “black Saturday.”

This is outrageous behaviour and I would avoid or even cut off anyone behaving so incredibly badly about my life choices. Unexpected babies are actually very common and I would not want this level of ridiculousness around me and i don't know any good mum who would behave like this.

She says it’s awful news, has been the worst 2 weeks of her life, she’s cried every single day and refers to the day I told her as “black Saturday.”

Congratulations on your news OP!

Your mum is a right bundle of joy, huh?
Does she have a disrodered personality?
Making your baby all about her, doom-mongering, & expecting you to life your life according to her diktats suggets so.

For the time being, just make pushing-back-but-inoffensive replies like "it's ok mum, you're not having a baby, so you don't need to concern yourself, DP & I are going to manage just fine."

If you want to explore the possible disordered personality/thinking, this is a fantastic book & a brilliant toolkit - www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&ei=Qj_ZXeSCLdLDgQaj1peQDA&q=understanding+the+borderline+mother&oq=understanding+the+borderline+mother&gs_l=psy-ab.3..0l10.2453.4565..4768...0.2..0.99.867.11......0....1..gws-wiz.......0i71.LTVW0dQnkd0&ved=0ahUKEwjkq6DswoDmAhXSYcAKHSPrBcIQ4dUDCAo&uact=5

Sorry about the length of that link!

ashtray didn't see she would be gushing Lexpolorer- see her post.

I wouldn't be gushing either but I would also be aware, as a potential grandmother, that this wasn't all about me, wasn't my problem or my life and I would have the sense to keep my mouth closed if I couldn't be more supportive. I would strongly give you this advice. As you can see, these sort of responses have totally ruined a lot of mother-daughter relationships.

My mum was like that, not quite so extreme but went on and on about how she wasn’t ready to be a grandmother. I told her to get to fuck. (I was 33)

But how is your partner about the pregnancy? How has your relationship with him been till now? Yes your Mum is saying inappropriate things but from what you have said, your parents are your support network. I'm guessing you don't want to lose that.

Does anyone have any advice how to deal with this?

Yes: You're 28 - cut her loose or at the very least, tune her out.

Speaking from experience, I wouldn't be having daily contact with someone that negative and narcissistic as it would take its toll on my mental wellbeing.

Focus on your pregnancy, job, partner etc and limit how open you are with her - you're just making yourself vulnerable to more negativity and abuse.

Also, join an NCT group and look for other opportunities to build your network outside of your family - it's a lot easier to walk away from narcissistic parents (or to at least feel like that's an option if necessary) if you're secure in yourself and don't feel reliant on them.