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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Pregnant but my Mum is devastated

140 replies

Starburst90 · 23/11/2019 12:57

I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant with my first child (6 weeks) but my Mum has not taken it well at all.

She says it’s awful news, has been the worst 2 weeks of her life, she’s cried every single day and refers to the day I told her as “black Saturday.”

Her main reason for not approving is that I’ve only been with my partner since June so it is a new relationship. I’m about to turn 29 though, have my own house and we both have jobs so I feel like people do manage in trickier situations. She also says that my partner will leave me and I won’t be able to cope by myself as my family live 1hr away so I would have limited support. Whilst I’m obviously hoping that won’t happen, I’d like to think that if I was left as a single parent I would be able to survive, as many others do.

She keeps making snipes about my situation which is leading to arguments because I feel she’s being overly negative and I don’t want what might be my only pregnancy to be tainted by the fact she can’t accept it and is miserable all the time. She says she can’t help how she feels and I’m being inconsiderate for not understanding what I’ve put her through by getting myself in this situation. Does anyone have any advice how to deal with this?

OP posts:

perplexedagain · 23/11/2019 13:35

Is there a reason she is concerned your relationship won't last? Does she not like your partner? How has your partner reacted to the news? You haven't mentioned any of this in your post.

flouncyfanny · 23/11/2019 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaptainMyCaptain · 23/11/2019 13:36

When I was pregnant and unmarried at 25 my mother threatened to kill herself if I didn't have an abortion. She was pretty awful to me throughout the pregnancy but grudgingly accepted it eventually. However, she was with me during the birth and absolutely doted on my daughter all her life. Your Mum might come round, just don't be deflected from what you want.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 23/11/2019 13:37

Jesus christ! Shes being Batshit! I told my parents I was pregnant 3 months into a new relationship whilst going through a divorce they were a bit concerned but happy

Aquamarine1029 · 23/11/2019 13:38

I doubt this is the first time your mother's narcissistic tendencies have reared their ugly head. If I were you, I wouldn't be communicating with her in any fashion for quite a while. Stop allowing her to treat you so appallingly.

She says she can’t help how she feels and I’m being inconsiderate for not understanding what I’ve put her through by getting myself in this situation

She may not be able to help how she feels, but she is more than capable of controlling what she says to you. I hope you remind her of that.

RockinHippy · 23/11/2019 13:38

My own DM did this same thing when I was 41. It's batshit crazy & makes the news of the baby all about her. Classic narcissist behaviour. I was even letting the family name down & was compared to a cousins 16 yo DD

Ignore & distance yourself, sadly it will only get worse

Notthebradybunch · 23/11/2019 13:41

Tell her it's your life, you're a responsible adult, it has absolutely nothing to do with her, your choice and she needs to get over herself! Is she usually this extreme with her reactions?!

Angiemum24 · 23/11/2019 13:43

I think someone doesn’t want to be called granny or isn’t the centre of attention anymore. Tell her to grow up and get over, you’re 29 for god sake!

MilliiMoo · 23/11/2019 13:43

Is there a history of her supporting you when your in difficult situations?

Ugzbugz · 23/11/2019 13:44

I thought you was going to say you was 16!! You could be with someone 10 years plan a baby then split up! Has she had to help raise other grandchildren? Is your partner happy? Just ignore her

Original poster

Starburst90 · 23/11/2019 13:45

Yea she says it’s only because she cares so much and can’t bear to see me go through this. She has always been there for me but tends to have quite strong opinions on things. For example my ex of 6 years who I lived with broke up with me this spring then just a couple of months later I met my current partner, she says I should never have started dating someone so soon after.

It’s hard because I’m an only child so have relied on her and my Dad for supper. My dad is less dramatic about the news but obviously has to come out in support for my mum who’s taken it so hard.

OP posts:

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 23/11/2019 13:48

My mum got all weird when I was pregnant with dc1 (30 and married), dad said it had stirred up a lot of upset for her, shed had bad postnatal depression with both me and Db and this brought all those bad memories back.

My aunt was near hysterical when my cousin went into labour, but the my aunt nearly died having my cousin and she was just remembering how dangerous it was.

A generation back didn't get a lot of support. When she says your family are an hour away, is this because she relied on her family looking after her a bit and is worried you won't have that as an option?

I'd go with sitting her down, telling her you understand this might be bringing up bad memories for her, and shes worried about you, but you are pregnant now, this baby is wanted, you will not allow her to make the narrative in the wider family that this child is a problem that isn't wanted and loved. You hope she'll be a good granny, but she needs to get over the fact you aren't doing this the way she would like you to.

Drum2018 · 23/11/2019 13:48

Massive CONGRATULATIONS to you and your partner.

Tell your mother she needs to shut up and stop bringing negative vibes into your lives regarding your baby. If she has issues surrounding unmarried mothers then she needs to cop on and take a leap into the 21st century. I hope your partners family are more supportive. I'd give her a wide berth now until she realises how ridiculous she is being.

I had a friend whose son and girlfriend had a baby. They were relatively young. The girls family were very supportive but my friend was disgusted and gave out about her family condoning it. I could not believe friends attitude. To my knowledge she never accepted the baby as her family. Needless to say I couldn't maintain a friendship with her as I was appalled by her attitude.

MilliiMoo · 23/11/2019 13:51

In what way have you had to rely on them for support?

friedbeansandcheese · 23/11/2019 13:51

Well, you have been with your partner a very short time. Maybe she’s just concerned about you and how you will cope.

Are you and your oh happy about the baby? And get on well?

But her reaction is way OTT. I’d tell her that if she can’t be civil to you, you won’t see her until she’s calmed down and can be polite. If she has form for this, though, I’m not sure if she will change her behaviour. But you can change how you react to her.

blueshoes · 23/11/2019 13:53

I think your mother is catastophising. Her PND history could be part of the reason.

That said, as a parent, I would be concerned you have only known your partner since June. I would advise every women to get married before having children (unless they think they will outearn their partners for the time they are together) but if you have only been with your partner for 6 months that would be rushing into a big decision.

So I would be disappointed and fearful of the direction your life is taking but I would not express it the way your mother has.

MilliiMoo · 23/11/2019 13:54

Totally agree Blueshoes

Thankful2020 · 23/11/2019 13:55

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

I thought you were going to say you are 18 or younger. Your mum is being dramatic and rude. I can understand she is worried because you’ve only known your partner for a few months. She should keep her feelings to herself. Try and avoid her for the duration of the pregnancy. She is already spoiled some of what should be a special time for you and your partner. Keep away from your mother and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

blueshoes · 23/11/2019 13:55

You were also on the rebound from a long term relationship when you met your current partner.

GrapefruitGin · 23/11/2019 13:55

Congratulations OP!
Sounds like you need to distance yourself from your mother, enjoy your pregnancy and do not focus on her negativity.

MilliiMoo · 23/11/2019 13:57

How is your Partner sbout the pregnancy.

Sagradafamiliar · 23/11/2019 13:57

It's not because she cares, it's because she's thinking of herself and herself only. Don't put yourself in these toxic situations a second longer, you need only support around you in pregnancy.

Thedonkeyhouse · 23/11/2019 13:58

She says she can’t help how she feels and I’m being inconsiderate for not understanding what I’ve put her through by getting myself in this situation

FFS that's awful.

You are going to have a baby, you don't have time for an adult baby in your life.

I'd be going low contact with her from this point forward. You don't need the stress and she's clearly not going to be supportive if this is her attitude.

MerryDeath · 23/11/2019 14:00

she sounds awful. i had my first child in similar although slightly less desirable circumstances and tbh my mum and dad were not thrilled (with valid reason) but they hid it (i can still tell obv we are no fools!), were absolutely supportive and my DS is now 2.5 and they love him and are very involved with him and continue to support me when me stupid life choices rear up, so in conclusion it's bullshit behaviour from her because she's your mum and even if she doesn't approve she should be kind and respectful no matter what... you aren't a criminal... so if it were me i'd give her a wide berth and hope she stops being a dick once she's got used to the idea or if not when she claps eyes on a grandbaby

dreichwinter · 23/11/2019 14:03

I thought that you must be 16 or younger at first and even then it wouldn't be a helpful response.
This has got to be about her and her issues. Try not to give it too much head space.

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